I do love DH and he’s a good man, but … money

[yellowprimrosepink]

Money is a constant bone of contention in our marriage (and we are married so theoretically share everything but in reality we don’t.)

The background is that we met late (we were both 38 at the time) so I guess had separate lives and finances. I had a fairly good job; nothing to write home about but enough. DH however earns well - around the £95,000 mark. So when we had children, I went part time and then more part time to manage school drop offs and so on and now I’m two days a week, I earn next to nothing. However DH is away, a lot, he’s able to do this because I’m always there. But the comments I get about ‘leaning on him’ and so on are really starting to piss me off.

I know he gets stressed about finances but if it wasn’t for his job I could work and therefore earn more myself. I know that’s not totally fair of me as if it wasn’t for his job I wouldn’t be able to be part time. I just wish he valued what I do.

If you don’t like the status quo then go full time and use a childminder / before and after school club - lots of working full time (single) mums do it - I don’t buy the whole “he’s able to do this because I’m always there” I find it a bit of an excuse tbh

Yep. Still living at home but grown up now!

This post itself shows how he is in fact leaning on you, not the other way around.

But for every women that claims it's just as hard not working there's another like the below. I can't see any of the posts below ever being written by a man.....

My sil is 44, rich and has NEVER had a job, lucky her! She has no trouble filling her day and has a great life.

Dp earns the money then gives it to me. Why would I feel oppressed?

I haven't worked in 8 years and bloody love it! I got to go shopping without ds today and have a long lunch with a friend. Going to the gym now.

I dont work, I was able to be a sahm with my sons, both in 30s now. I lunch, dressmake, walk my dogs for miles, spend time with friends and family etc....
I also volunteer for a small homeless charity, something I am so passionate about, being literally close to home.
I feel totally fulfilled!

My DSis married a very high earner and has never worked a day in her life.

My DH works 80 hours a week for a signficant amount of money, which allows me to be a SAHM and indulge myself, allow me to do all of my volunteering and my hobbies.

I work just a few hours a week in a job I love doing, I don’t have to work for financial reasons. I’ve accidentally ended up with a really high earning DH. I enjoy having lots of time to myself, I have hobbies, an amazing spa membership and an extremely fortunate to have some really good friends whom I’m able to see nearly every week.

My SIL is lucky enough to not have to work due to DB’s income. She has nice things, goes out for lots of lunches.

I'm a SAHM who has teenage children and is fortunate to be married to a high earner so I haven't needed to work since having kids. We do have a lifestyle that most people would find impressive.

I choose not to work. DH works really long shifts and odd hours so can be out of the house either days or nights, with each week being different. When the kids are grown I'll go and get some post-sahm work. Maybe in a shop, factory, cafe or something similar.

The funniest post was Monday morning when she started by posting “it’s going to be a long week, hoping the nanny isn’t late” followed by “anyone know a place I can get nails done, not happy with the place I’ve been going as I think they overcharge and wanting a day to pamper myself a bit.”

I feel lucky that I don't need to work. I am not getting any benefits because dh earns enough.

I'm lucky in that I didn't have to carry on working.

My friend is married to the son of a billionaire and sometimes I have to block her on social media because her life is one long holiday.

I am lucky enough not to work and stay at home with my son, as DH is a high earner. I feel extremely grateful for this every day, and try very hard not to take it for granted.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3764425-To-think-you-are-very-lucky-if-you-dont-have-to-work

I don’t know if I’ve followed your post correctly but are you meaning that you work two days (he is WFH and available to do school drop off/pick up on your working days) and he only works away Tuesday-Thursday with weekends off? Is that correct?

My dh earns more and if he ever made comments like this I’d never forgive him. Truth is, he’d never think that way. He sounds like a prick. Sorry. You sound like a lovely hard working mum though.

But he is reliant on you to look after his children - perhaps he needs reminding of this.

Perhaps what she would earn by working full time would be offset by the amount of childcare they would need? Especially when he works away so much and presumably can’t or doesn’t help with drop offs and pick ups.

Did he want to have children? Sad fact is a lot of men have children to keep their wives happy.

Yes very much so.

Posted in error

You have a similar set up to the one DH and I had in that he did long hours and lots of travelling and I did the bulk of childcare but on a much lower wage. Thankfully my DH always valued me though and realised he could only do his job because I picked up the slack on childcare. You need to reinforce that message with your DH and tell him you don’t feel he values your contribution.

I think you need a frank and honest conversation with him. You might lean on him financially but he’s also leaning on you for running the house and looking after the kids. You need to ask him, what it is he wants. Is he prepared to do 50/50 so you can also work.

My dh and I have always had a joint account. He earns now a similar amount to your DH. I work part time and have just dropped from four days to two days. Our situation is a bit different as we have two children who are disabled and in specialist schools and the youngest (14) is profoundly disabled and has just been diagnosed with epilepsy so I’m essentially working two roles in my paid job and unpaid job as a carer and my son’s taxi driver in the afternoon as he got thrown off his bus.

My DH wouldn’t have such a strong career if I hadn’t been doing a lot of the heavy lifting behind the scenes. But he sees it. He grew up in poverty so has always been very money conscious so in the early days when he wasn’t earning as much he’d want us being a bit more careful but he’ll say the money is our money and that we’re a team. He appreciates the value I bring and says he’d be fine for me to quit work if it makes my life easier.

There have been times when it has been tense when we think the other is getting a better deal but we’ve just weathered it by being kind to each other and talking.

It suits a lot of people, especially it seems men not to get involved in the house and raising children and having that easy life whilst furthering their career and then using their money as a stick to beat their wife with, their wife who has given up her career and life choices.

I’m not surprised the birth rate is dropping. Women were told they could have it all when in reality, it can be very hard and even harder if you’ve got an unsupportive partner.

You're doing one of the most important jobs there is.. Being there for your children and providing stability at home is a job in itself. I certainly wouldn't be rushing to get back to work more hours just to up your wage. As you've stated it will be at a cost to your health and to the childrens wellbeing getting them up out super early. These years are invaluable to you and them but unfortunately when men are engrossed in their career they just don't realise what it entails. In my eyes you're doing a grand job. I'd just drop in to him just how important it is to you and to the children how having you there is. Don't be pushed into working more just to justify a wage. They're not little forever. Enjoy this time and try to ignore the lean on me digs. That's his issue he's chosen that job. Hope things work out x

what is he doing when he is travelling?

@yellowprimrosepink I would look to be getting an exit plan in place - both myself and husband work full time - I was the primary carer for years though and as a result my career took a step back while his flourished and his income grew. Money is always the core of our arguments - he likes to remind me how much less I earn (I’m not on a pittance but neither am I a higher tax payer) I’m trying to build my career back up but never make the same kind of money he does. He even suggested I should do more of the housework as I don’t pay as much in. He discounts all what I did in terms of caring for the children and says I was lazy (never gave up work I just went PT to work around school runs etc as we have little family to assist) I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a man like this. I’m working on my exit plan and becoming financially independent. Maybe things will work out better for you but I’d get that plan in place in case it doesn’t .

I would sit the good man down and tell him in no uncertain terms that he has to stop that shitty and condescending attitude towards you.

If not he can arrange for a live-in nanny he can pay for out of his salary and treat her as condescending and mean as he would like.

You're going back to work full time at the earliest opportunity to get away from his nastiness so the nanny needs to be in place asap so you can take up opportunities as they arise.

Alternatively he can arrange his hours around your new full time job and stop the travelling so he's available for his share of drop offs and pick ups.

If he doesn't fancy these options he needs to zip it pronto and actively show some appreciation how well you care for his kids.

You are both, in my eyes, good earners, work hard, do the best individually for your children. Both of you need to talk about finances and what you both physically contribute in terms of family.

Where you both fall down is not being a TEAM. All expenses should come out of the same pot: Food, housing bills, maintenance/updating home, fuel, car payments, clothing for children, activities, phones, nursery, school, work, holidays (including spending money) i.e. everything that both of you incur to make your family function. If there is any money left then divide it in half. Half of that each for savings, half of the remainder each for whatever extras like fun money.

Your DH should be supporting you more so that you feel valued. He goes out to work, you are working outside and inside the home, plus admin. You need to express what you need from him and he needs to take it on board plus some.

Family life is the hardest of all.

Well if he doesn't accept the contribution you make he isn't that good a man ,is he?