I do love DH and he’s a good man, but … money

[yellowprimrosepink]

Money is a constant bone of contention in our marriage (and we are married so theoretically share everything but in reality we don’t.)

The background is that we met late (we were both 38 at the time) so I guess had separate lives and finances. I had a fairly good job; nothing to write home about but enough. DH however earns well - around the £95,000 mark. So when we had children, I went part time and then more part time to manage school drop offs and so on and now I’m two days a week, I earn next to nothing. However DH is away, a lot, he’s able to do this because I’m always there. But the comments I get about ‘leaning on him’ and so on are really starting to piss me off.

I know he gets stressed about finances but if it wasn’t for his job I could work and therefore earn more myself. I know that’s not totally fair of me as if it wasn’t for his job I wouldn’t be able to be part time. I just wish he valued what I do.

It’s hard, it’s so bloody hard - that is basically the crux of it. I’m trying not to make it harder by also wrecking my relationship but sometimes that’s hard too 😂

I recently had a conversation with my DP about how hard I found out life at rhe moment. I often don’t talk about it because it feels like moaning really doesn’t help but I think it did help. Probably because I wasn’t moaning, I was sharing, opening up. I often feel we are in different camps these days and we need to be in the same one, ideally.

Thinking out loud here, you say you met at 38 and then had two children. Presumably you hadn’t known each other long before you decided to have a baby together. When did this side of him - lack of generosity, not seeing you as a team - come out, so to speak?

You often hear about men showing their true colours after pregnancy, especially if the relationship is relatively new.

So this attitude of his may have very little to do with your current finances and he’s actually just a sexist.

I wouldn't waste my energy arguing with him OP.

Try to do the maths and work out exactly how much it would cost to get childcare if you were working full time, and what the implications that would be on his job. Work out the cost of having a cleaner (as I assume he won't be picking up the slack there), and a plan for exactly who pick up which child before & after work - it'll have to be 50 / 50 if you are also working full time.

Leave that with him, in writing and don't argue about it.

Let him stress & stew over the figures and the facts, but I'm afraid it's unlikely it'll work. His issue seems to come from a deeper emotional selfishness & stinginess.

Exactly this

He’s a prick

I think you need to thrash out the assumptions you have each made about your set up. When things like this rumble on they become secrets, and secrets are generally bad for marriages as they creep into how you respond to other things. It sounds like you basically love him, recognise his qualities, and want to feel valued by him, and he is maybe not aware and not appreciative of the whole picture because you have never broken it down together. In a side note, I do think you need to move towards a joint bank account, maybe with side accounts for fun/personal spending that you don't have to share with each other. But all those bills are household bills and should come from the household pot.

Get a full time job and ensure that he does his share of domestic work, child rearing etc

I know what you mean. It is getting easier but like this weekend … it’s damp and muddy and miserable and getting up the enthusiasm to go to a crowded soft play or swimming is hard. We could probably both use a weekend ‘off’ to reset but that can’t happen. So we trudge on.

Yeah, the comments about you 'leaning on him' are so telling.

You're supposed to be able to lean on him! He's your husband. He's supposed to support you and the kids. He leans on you all the time, right? He leans on you for childcare, cleaning, cooking, etc.

Maybe next time he tells you he's off on a work trip for five days or whatever, you should tut and sigh and tell him he's leaning on you for support again.

Oh well if you can do it then she must. Not everyone is the same. Some people cope with more than others. That is ok.. I ran a half marathon pregnant and back running 6 weeks after each c section. Does that mean everyone should be able to.. no we are all different.

Each to their own. But I'd divorce him.

I'm not sure I fully follow your post, but if you add up what it would cost to pay someone to do what you do,
Eg. Breakfast club, afterschool
Overnight nanny
Cleaner
Housekeeper
Taxi
Etc etc.

All of those are $$$

So if you weren't doing them, he would have to pay someone to all that.

It helped me value my contribution...when I clean the house, I'm contributing €50 to the household as that's what the cleaner charges.

The situation could improve if your DH is prepared to look for a new job which doesn’t involve travelling (loads of those at £95k and more!), which would allow him to contribute at home in a more hands-on way at home, and for you to increase your working hours as he would be there to provide support. What do you think his response/reaction would be if you suggested that?

Yep… the key thing is trying to trudge on as a team. It’s so easy to get stuck ‘against’ each other instead of ‘for’ each other. Good luck OP - at least January is nearly over. Before we know it, it’ll be March and spring will be here 😊

Why don’t you just have a joint account for bills? You both put in a certain amount and then have a similar amount to spend?! Then he doesn’t judge your spending and you don’t judge his! Also if you can’t afford hello fresh then don’t do it. Maybe he feels you are being extravagant with money and even though he earns a high wage he doesn’t get to enjoy it.

DH and I earn very different salaries. DH - 150K and myself 50K. He doesn’t ask what I spend money on, I work hard and I am allowed to spend my money, same applies to him. We have a joint account for bills and a joint account for savings. We have individual ISA’s and individual personal accounts with fun money. As long as you both are on the same page with regards savings goals it should be fine. Problems arise when two people have very different idea with regards money.

absolutely

Tell him you're tired of the comments, so you're looking forward to him doing his share at home to enable you to work full time as well.

Does he ever have the children on his own? What would happen if you simply weren't there for a week? May give him a better understanding of the value of what you actually do.
You may be 'leaning on him' more than 50% financially, but he is 'leaning on you' more than 50% with the children and home. You can't change one without the other.

I really, really don’t want to do this. The more separate finances are, the better as far as I am concerned, which is the opposite to how it should bra maybe but is true.

Well if you want separate finances and you don’t earn much you are putting yourself in a position where you have to ask for money if you run out. Also if you don’t ask you will end up paying a bulk of the expenses from your smaller wage and have no savings while he will have huge savings. Not a good idea as it makes you vulnerable if things go pear shaped!

what advice do you want ?

some say go full time /work more. You say no

a cm would make your childcare easier rather then 2 drop offs

dh can only earn good money as you are there doing ‘childcare’ house management and being flexible so he can work

to make things fair. All money in account. Both have x to spend

why are you paying for childcare out of your small salary - should be a joint thing

This

But actually draw up a time table. And a rota for who needs to take time off when the children ill or on holiday from school.

Why? That makes no sense. You have a way smaller income than he does. He is supposed to be supporting the family financially while you support the family physically. How can you both do this if you keep your finances "as separate as possible"?

If you want to do that, then yes, you need to be more frugal. Shop in Aldi, cook from scratch. Hello Fresh is wildly expensive. Walk more, to save petrol. Don't buy yourself new clothes. Get the kids' uniforms second hand. Etc.

You won't have to go to your husband to ask for top ups. But you will start to resent and hate him when you are going without basic things and he is putting thousands into savings accounts or buying himself a new car.

You're supposed to be a team. You've got kids together. You really, really need to be able to figure out money.

I perfectly understand where you are coming from OP. The fact is you know you can’t go back to work because he won’t step up and you’ll be left with more stress and it will massively affect your children. The person least affected will be your DH.

However I would say this, I’m willing bet you’ve nit got much of your own money and aren’t paying into a pension? Fast forward 20 years - your DHs resentment about you not earning and contributing will potentially be massive given he’s already on that road and you will have no pension. He doesn’t respect or value you. I’m willing to guess he loves playing the family man with friends and family but that’s because it’s all about him.

I think you have 2 choices - tell him that given his attitude you will be going back to work, he either supports you or you pay proportionately for childcare, cleaner, gardener etc or he accepts and respects what you do and starts paying into your pension.

I honestly think we’ve reached the stage where we go to work and force men to step up or we insist partners/husbands pay us for our childcare/cleaning etc.

I have had a v similar set up to you. Kids came along. I stepped down, term
time only role, education based 3/week. Kids got a little bit older and I increased it to 4 days.

DHs career has progressed well and he out earns me by multiples.

However it was clear and consistent agreement that we choose this for our family. Not because I fancied poncing about in cafes with my little darlings. Cos that never really happened! But his life and career path was smoothed immeasurably by me being able to look after the kids as my primary role.

crucially money has always been shared. Family money with separate fun spends that have been agreed. Everything else goes into the shared pot.

Married 22 years.

I have a “big” ish job now. DH has never ever made me ask for money. Questioned what I have spent, scrutinised my activities. Never. Money is shared. We discuss big outgoings but we trust one another.

I think you should start noting down everything you do for the day for the house, him and children. And invoice him.

Tell him- this is what it costs.

I think tell him you're hearing his comments and you'd like to understand how he feels about stuff and you'd like to share how you feel. That you'd like to have a chat about it at the weekend or whatever and because it's sometimes turned into an argument before, you want to agree to communicate in a constructive way (and maybe use chat gpt to help you do this) like no interrupting, no over arching accusations (like 'you always do x', no putting words in the others mouth 'well you clearly think', you can both discuss feelings and things you find challenging and statements have to be backed up with examples, and you have to repeat back what the other has said to make sure it's understood.

Tell him you appreciate his hard work and financial contribution. And tell him you want to explain how your day looks with kids, it's not just sitting around chilling. And that in your view he takes on your share of finances and you take on his share of parenting (and savings on nursery fees). His work is incompatible with being there for the kids so you've picked up the slack here happily but the comments (give examples) make you feel like he thinks you should also be contributing more financially. Which isn't possible with the additional stuff you do for his share of parenting.

Tell him you've noticed he increased comments and that this is making you think he doesn't seem happy with this arrangement. What does he think is a solution here given it will be very difficult for you to remain in the same or similar job and drop off / pick up kids, take them to hobbies and be there when they're sick as your current career doesn't have that flexibility. Ask him to brainstorm options and tell him you've already put a few ideas down

• Keep the status quo but try and shoew appreciation for the others efforts. With counselling if necessary so that you can both have a bit more understanding of the others point of view
• He changes his job to have a bit more flex to pick up more at home and you change your hours
• kids in childcare full time while you retrain to a career that has greater flexibility although this may take a while to come to fruition
• you get a nanny to sort out everything at home while you focus on rebuilding your career, possibly switch to an au pair when they're at school

You need to factor in that if he goes over 100k you'll be worse off if they're in childcare as will lose any free hours. So as a family while kids are small you might be better with him dropping a day or half day while you increase hours.

I think the key is stay so calm and reasonable that he is forced basically to listen and respond in a similar manner.

@Yellowprimrosepink Any increase in salary would be countered by childcare costs.

But you'll be contributing more to your pension and progressing your career.

It really does get to me when women just look at the current financial cost of something and don't look ahead to the future consequences of their decisions.