I do love DH and he’s a good man, but … money

[yellowprimrosepink]

Money is a constant bone of contention in our marriage (and we are married so theoretically share everything but in reality we don’t.)

The background is that we met late (we were both 38 at the time) so I guess had separate lives and finances. I had a fairly good job; nothing to write home about but enough. DH however earns well - around the £95,000 mark. So when we had children, I went part time and then more part time to manage school drop offs and so on and now I’m two days a week, I earn next to nothing. However DH is away, a lot, he’s able to do this because I’m always there. But the comments I get about ‘leaning on him’ and so on are really starting to piss me off.

I know he gets stressed about finances but if it wasn’t for his job I could work and therefore earn more myself. I know that’s not totally fair of me as if it wasn’t for his job I wouldn’t be able to be part time. I just wish he valued what I do.

I'm a teacher myself and I completely get it. I worked part time many years as that's all my mental health could manage and my husband was completely on board with it.

Your husband is being very unfair. You are working, and you are doing most of the legwork. You are a partnership. You don't have a yearly figure tied to your head. Your contributions are just as much if not all monetary. You're bringing up his children!

So what if that's the case? Nobody wants to work full time, and I'm sure nobody wants to be a single mum and work full time either.

The OP clearly can work part time, and is a lot easier for her because her husband works away. It would be very difficult for her to work full time as a teacher while he works away with young children. It would cause stress to anyone and would likely cause issues in the marriage.

Has her DH considered this?

I’d say to him very clearly that the next time he insinuates that you’re leaning on him, rather than it being a partnership, that you’ll check into a hotel for 2 days and see how he gets on managing it all by himself.

Mean it, and do it, ideally early morning on a day when he’s meant to be flying somewhere for work.

If 2 days isn’t enough, then the next time do 3 days. Some people don’t learn by being told, they need to be shown!

Who manages the money and do you have equal access to it?

He relies on you just as much as you rely on him. You are a team. In my marriage that team worked well when I was a SAHM and works well now we both work. We discussed every change and how it worked in practice. Most of all we always value the other’s input and commitment.

If you can’t talk without becoming defensive write it down. You can work more but how will he mange the childcare, the drop offs, the working away etc etc.

The problem is he is not seeing that he depends on you as much as you depend on him. It’s ok to rely on each other but it needs to be valued.

What's he like with the children? Is he involved with them at weekends or does he just want to decompress?

I'd tell him he needs to look at changing his job to something that doesn't involve travel and has more regular hours so he can do his share of the domestic stuff. You're not going to do it all on your own and work FT. You don't care about the drop in salary as you'd rather things were on a more equal footing between you than how they are now. He has kids and they need looking after, that's his job too.

Honestly this is shit of your DH.

I'm a SAHM, and my DH would never come out with that crap. Because he has respect for how hard I have to work with childcare and household stuff. He could never do his job otherwise (long hours and travel), and he knows it, and regularly says as much to me and to other people.

Thank you. There’s a lot to think about here.

The work thing … I can only reiterate that my going to work full time at this stage would have a hugely detrimental effect on me and the children. I know people do it; some of my friends do, I have great admiration for them but I know I would end up stressed, exhausted, angry, resentful and a very poor mother and indeed teacher for it! Some things just are not worth money. Plus, I have another eighteen months with my daughter before she starts school and I won’t be sacrificing that for anything, not for anything. Sorry - I’m not meaning to sound like a grump. Just that I won’t even consider that option at this time. In the future possibly but not now.

I do think there is an element of DH seeing the children as ‘mine’ … he does pitch in at weekends but he definitely isn’t one of these men who will say ‘why don’t you have an hour to yourself darling, I’ll take them to soft play.’ That’s not to say he won’t, but it’s only if I have something prior arranged that forces his hand if you like.

I think just as I sometimes long for my old life DH maybe does too. And perhaps there is an element of us both being reluctant to let some luxuries go that we probably really should but we just don’t seem able to talk openly about it because there is this secretiveness there with money on both sides which I don’t like.

You should start pointing out how much you do and save him. 'Oh, you're working away tonight? It's a good job I'm not working, it would be a nightmare to find overnight childcare and would cost a fortune'. 'DC is sick today, don't worry though, I'm not in work so no need for you to call in sick and lose out on business. It would be stressful for you if you had to juggle this'. 'It took me hours to do the cleaning today, lucky I'm not in full time work or you'd have to be doing half or paying a fortune for a housekeeper'.

I should also mention he takes ds to school and picks him up Mondays and Fridays as he wfh. These are also my working days.

So it isn’t as if he does nothing. I suppose ideally I’d like a more open dialogue. Less of a mine and yours and more of an ours. But that probably is not realistic. Maybe if we’d been younger when we met. But it’s harder in some ways to build a life together when you sort of already have (if that makes sense.)

So unfair on you I agree.
He needs to go part time so you can increase your hours, and then the paying work is divided equally between you. If you don't then you continue to eat crumbs from his table.
He'll resist so he gets to keep all the money.

Can he not do more to facilitate you working eg my dH does 4 drop offs a week because I work 4 short day. Will he not do that?

Life is expensive and he could be feeling the pressure of being the breadwinner, his salary is decent but hard to support a family of four on.

And you're still insisting that he is a good man?

The bar is in hell honestly.

Your take home pay is a really good financial contribution - imagine if you didn’t have it! The only way you could up your hours is if he’s available to do more school runs. Make sure he doesn’t drop those Mondays and Fridays WFH.

He is not a good man OP; he is a self serving one and he is certainly no father of the year. I suppose he thinks he is doing a lot by taking his son to and from school on Monday and Friday. And I would also think he tells you that too.

You're facilitating both his life and career by caring for his children whilst he works full time. He regards childcare and the home as your job whilst he regards his full time job and the money earned from it as mainly his. He is not too old to change but does he want to change; my guess is no he does not. He seems quite happy as he is and does not really care that you are feeling unhappy. He's previously paid lip service to this whole issue and continues to do so.

What do you mean exactly when you write, "And perhaps there is an element of us both being reluctant to let some luxuries go that we probably really should but we just don’t seem able to talk openly about it because there is this secretiveness there with money on both sides which I don’t like".

What is going on there?.

Is all money earned by both of you seen as family money with both yours and his earnings going into a joint bank account?.

No - that’s the whole point of my post, sorry if that wasn’t clear, he has his money; I have mine, and if I need some of ‘his’ he does have a way of making it clear he’s not thrilled after a certain point.

I don’t believe he’s an evil horrible abusive man. I just used to try to not involve him in finances but that’s impossible. We’ve just had an argument - a jokey sort of one but still - about hello fresh. It drains me.

You shouldn’t have put yourself in this situation. No good comes from making yourself financially dependent on a man, as you’re finding out. But you’re here now. I would prioritise increasing hours/earnings and pay for childcare. The longer you stay very part-time, the harder it will be to build your career back up.

Also, a household income of £95k and change might be okay when the children are small, but they’ll get more and more expensive as they get older and you may find your quality of life eroding on that salary. Then you’ll really see the resentment come through from your DH.

I disagree with those saying ‘LTB’. You need access to his salary while you rebuild your career and you won’t have access to it if you separate (or indeed after divorce). Plus it doesn’t sound like much else is wrong with the relationship.

I’m not financially dependent on him especially @Crushed23 . But thanks for that.

Very few people, male or female, would be able to have a child or children without an element of being reliant on someone else. But it’s help I’m after here, not being told I have lived my life wrong, and if only I’d done it right I wouldn’t be in this position.

Honestly, it seems like some men have children in the belief that they will actually just look after themselves.

No - that’s the whole point of my post, sorry if that wasn’t clear, he has his money; I have mine

So you have 2k and he has 5k & the finances are not shared? how are bills split?

I think the point is that until you become dependent on someone you don’t really see the full picture.

And having children does tend to make women dependent, at least financially. And at least for some time.

The longer the imbalancegoes on, the more normalized it becomes. The man you are describing OP is not a good man. He wouldn’t say the things he does if he thought you were his equal. Give that some thought

100% this. ^

Well, they aren’t, he pays them, to be fair.

I don’t have 2k. That’s what I’d have on three days. I am on two currently. More like £1200. But I am currently paying back some overpayment from maternity pay so less than that. I pay for dds nursery which is £300 p/m. Then phone etc.

I think he is basically good but I also know good people can become toxic over time and I am mindful of this. It’s easy for habits to become entrenched and hard to break.

I’m not sure that’s true. Plenty of self-sufficient single parents (often women because the father is a piece of shit…), as well as women earning enough to be able to walk out of marriages and stand on their own two feet.

I also think it’s a lot to do with how you were brought up / your social circle. Among the women I know, no one would ever abandon their career and make themselves financially dependent on a man. It would be unthinkable. But I know (from MN) that this is not so rare in other social circles / generations.

As for advice, you’ve been given a lot of advice, particularly around increasing your earnings. You don’t seem keen to do that, so I’m afraid you’ll have to just live with his toxic attitude or just ignore him / grey rock. If he makes a passive aggressive remark about you receiving a parcel (this is bonkers btw), just smile and say “you’re right”. Play him at his childish games. I don’t know what else to advise 🤷‍♀️ Best of luck anyway. Side note - I love stories of people meeting later in life. I’m 36 and in a new-ish relationship and totally recognise the whole ‘lives built separately’ dynamic!

With your latest posts you seem to be describing financial abuse.

You are married, your money should be shared equally . He earns that salary because you enable it .

My ex once said words to the effect of “ Without you I wouldn’t have kids do yes. It’s up to you to sort this ( some child related issue) out.

Your husband seems to be singing from the same hymn sheet TBH