Found condoms and wet wipes in DH's work/ travel bag (yes another one of these!)

[Ohtheregoesgravity]

I've read many similar threads on here, maybe adding another will help develop a data pool for trend analysis or FAQs for other Mumsnetters (ha!) but really, I just need to recount my experience and maybe get some advice specific to my circumstances - even though it's on a common topic.

Several condoms dated 2029, together with individually wrapped wet wipes multi pack - many of which are open - found in DH travel/ work backpack. No open or used condoms, just the wipes. Been in couples' therapy for 2 years, been intimate twice or thrice in that time so I probably deserve it if he's cheating. I just thought he was still in the 'we are working on it' headspace. I was looking for pens or pencils for DS1 (6) homework last night (just moved house - no idea where the pens are yet) not looking for trouble. So I behaved calmly (I'm generally very expressive and emotional)and took out a sample of both on the floor by his bed, where I thought it would be obvious to him I had found them. I know he found them as I was flossing with my back turned as I hear me swearing and him jumping up to move them (DS1 and DS2 (3) were in their beds). The paraphernalia wasn't there when I turned and there has been no mention of it (not how I expected it to play out but determined not to be super emotional, which is what he would expect, and use to deflect from the problem at hand)

A few other things have my Spidey senses going. DH has been hugely and noticeably protective of his phone recently. He's always on it, won't show me me anything on his screen if he is looking at something and commenting on it, would rather send it to me (although he always would turn the screen to show me in the past). It never leaves his sight, it was on a charger close to me one night, next to the night stand with my water on it, I reached to get my water and he was barely awake and managed to sense, wake up and grab the phone as I reached my glass. He was never a fan of handing over his phone to DS to watch something as a distraction if we'd gotten desperate for him to sit still ( I am always happy to, unless I'm out of charge). Now, it is the only scenario where he would sooner make a scene (usually hates this) than hand it over.

He works in the office more, and goes for more conferences (locally but long days or the odd overnight) social meals and drinks after work. I thought it was due to his new job, and my job is the same. The odder thing is how many short notice travel ones he now has, they weren't mentioned to me as an initial criterion for the role.

He's been very amenable to sleeping in the guest bedroom in the last few months too. DCs have been waking up a lot at night and coming into our bed. In fact he's most recently been insisting that they start the night in bed with me while he sleeps in the guest room, citing 'we would all get better sleep'. Which we actually have.

I should ask him outright, about the condoms. Maybe tonight after the kids are down (we may not get a chance in the morning, getting kids ready, and DH is working from the office all day). But he may have gotten rid of the evidence, and he has been known to lie and gaslight in the past to get out of things.

What would you think and do? If he has been cheating, the marriage becomes irreparable, in my view - couples' therapy be damned.

You are clearly incompatible. Better to leave or ask him to leave than live like strangers. Only having sex twice in 2 years shows you don't fancy each other any more. He's found someone else which is why is so amenable to sleep in the spare room. Sort out mortgage and pension paperwork and get yourself a solicitor.

Don't mention it.

Sort your finances out and speak to a lawyer. Once this is done, when he is asleep, take his phone and lock yourself in the car/drive away so you can have a good look without him snatching it back. It won't matter at this point if he knows you've taken it, but it's almost guaranteed you will find something (based on his phone guarding behaviour). Take screenshot and send them to yourself and save them/back them up before you give his phone back. Then you can tell him your lawyer will be in touch. Good luck OP, sorry this has happened to you x

Sorry op there isnt really an innocent explanation for this. Its possible that he is visiting prostitutes on his lunch break or during his 'long conferences'. Lots of men seem to do it, many of them dont even consider it cheating, just out sourcing a service.

OP you sound almost relieved.

I'm not surprised, couples therapy for two years without any progress whatsoever it seems (no sex or intimacy, but you can correct me if I am wrong).

You have the opportunity here to both be adults and admit that your relationship has long run it's course. That you can both now move on.

He has probably met someone else at his new job. Cheating is not an ideal choice, but you've both been in stalemate for a long time.

Time to start divorce proceedings and for you both to move on.

You did actually say 2029! Unless your op got edited.

He's having an affair. He's extremely unlikely to admit it and will gaslight you, especially if he's had the gall to remove the items you said without mentioning them.

It's hard to leave when you want proof, but honestly, all the things you mentioned absolutely are. If you need concrete, hire a PI next time he's on a 'work trip'.

I'd get your ducks in a row and then calmly announce it's over. Get some real life support.

Sounds like your relationship is over, and you are both pretending it’s not. Get your ducks in a line and get on with ending the relationship.

Good post and whole heartedly agree. Save solicitors fees and use chat gpt. Be as specific as you can and it will tell you what to do.

When you do bring this up you need to stick to your guns and grey rock him until he admits to what he’s done. There is no reason for him to have condoms in an overnight bag unless he is cheating. Keep saying you will leave unless you provides the truth. I would also ask to see his phone.

Good luck OP.

Great advice @buymeflowers

OP said in original post 2029.

This was exactly my thought too.

DH has been hugely and noticeably protective of his phone recently. It was on a charger close to me one night, next to the night stand with my water on it, I reached to get my water and he was barely awake and managed to sense, wake up and grab the phone as I reached my glass.

He works in the office more, and goes for more conferences (locally but long days or the odd overnight) social meals and drinks after work. The odder thing is how many short notice travel ones he now has, they weren't mentioned to me as an initial criterion for the role.

He's been very amenable to sleeping in the guest bedroom in the last few months too. DCs have been waking up a lot at night and coming into our bed. In fact he's most recently been insisting that they start the night in bed with me while he sleeps in the guest room, citing 'we would all get better sleep'.

Along with the condoms and wet wipes (ew), the above all absolutely SCREAM affair I'm afraid. Particularly the last point.

Definitely affair or sex workers.

I just thought he was still in the 'we are working on it' headspace

This is the common line I see in your post and posts of a similar nature. Woman is blindsided because even though there are problems, she thought her DH was in the same place. Then finds out he's not. Two years is a long time to be in therapy with no progress.

You don't "deserve" to be cheated on. No one does. But you do need to be honest with each other. If he is having an affair, which seems highly likely, he's already "moved on". I don't see any other option but to split.

I’d say affair. Sex workers don’t really message the men they have as clients I imagine.

100% having an affair. Just tell him you know and watch him squirm.

are you the husband?! Don’t be so ridiculous!

I am a slightly older mumsnetter. I have seen this scenario a number of times. It is just about possible that you have a partner who is carrying old condoms, that his friends have put them there for a sad joke or that he just likes to wear a condom when he wanks in a hotel away from you.

However, in all the occasions where my friends have experienced this, it has been a partner playing away. I would be looking to prove this one way or the other. Get access to his phone. Check where he is and see if it makes sense.

If he is cheating think carefully what you are going to do and get your ducks in a row.

I thought she said 2029

Yep.

I'd be doing something with it now

I'd blindside him and present it as a fait accomplit.

And I would NEVER let on that i knew he was cheating (and he is def cheating or trying to... both sit in the same camp for me. Its intent. His intent is to be unfaithful / choose someone else)

I think you know. It’s not even a question at this point. Please know that his cheating is not your fault and you didn’t “deserve” it.

Why did you show your hand and leave them out for him to see like that?!

His phone, messages, emails, texts whatever will now all be wiped and deleted.

It's obvious he's cheating from the find, the phone secrecy, and the change in work patterns etc.

Do you need further proof op? Or are you done? Do you want to talk to him about it? Are you familiar with the script?

You're right! I did, just before getting the kids up for school I asked him outright why he had wipes and condoms. Complete denial - every denial you can think of, do I surely not (until I mentioned I saw evidence and left it out for him and he hid it- to which he said he was hiding it from the kids finding it no other reason). He said wet wipes are for the kids but they are unmarked, not for resale multi packs that are individually wrapped in silver paper that smell to strongly to be used on the kids and are not the brand we use for the kids and I said this. I said there were many open wet wipes wrappers too. He then deflected to the condoms. He said they are likely old condoms, I told him the date, that they were in the front pouch of his daily backpack/ travel bag and shiny new. He said he had no idea where they were from. He then went to his washbag to point out that he had old condoms in there (where he used to keep them for our use) but unfortunately for him there was only one open pack of the brand new ones.

I said fine, would you let me look at your phone then as this would help ease my mind. I offered him to look through mine. Absolute refusal - bordering in getting into an argument so I let it drop. And asked him to reflect on what he would think and do if the roles were reversed, he'd found what I had found, and I also denied view of my phone. He's had problems with parents lying and gaslighting him too so I also asked him to think about how he has felt when people responsible for hurting him have point blank denied it.

We are in a stalemate now. He's gone to work. I've gone to work, via taking the kids to school.

💐 no-one deserves to be cheated on x

Each thing alone might not mean anything, but added together it sounds a bit grim. If he is someone who denies things then you need evidence, so you need to gather it somehow. Then decide what to do, get all your affairs in order, and leave. It's sad. I'm sorry. But better to use your energy on the people who love you, and nor on a cheater who is just sapping you.