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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help. I need out of this nightmare

192 replies

helpsoworndown · 18/01/2026 21:12

I really don’t feel able to go into the ins and outs of everything that has happened over the past 12 months. But I need help and advice and any support at all please. I need to leave my partner of 10 years. Long story short, an event that happened last year has left me with PTSD (my partner’s adult son was involved), and essentially he’s talking about rebuilding a relationship with his son after going NC with him for what he did. Anyway, I’ve been really clear that I cannot cope with this, I’m still awaiting trauma therapy for the event itself and I’ve been trialled on all kinds of different meds over past few months to help, nothing helps. The latest meds I’m on have made me feel like a zombie. He’s started talking about rebuilding the relationship with his son and I just can’t cope, I’m in full panic mode and I need out. Problem is we’re tied into a tenancy agreement til May and also we have a primary age child together too, so the guilt of breaking our child’s family would kill me but I just can’t, I need mental peace and I won’t ever find it with him. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but just need to reach out to anyone, anywhere, before my head explodes.

OP posts:
ImogenBrocklehurst · 18/01/2026 21:19

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Is this a decision you’ve just made? Do you have plans in place?

Ebedee · 18/01/2026 21:24

Please reach out to women's aid

Gazelda · 18/01/2026 21:28

Can you work on a plan to get things organised to enable you to leave in May? Would he hold off his reconciliation until then out of respect for you? Does he understand why you feel this is such a betrayal?

don’t feel bad about your young child. Many, many separated couples manage to successfully co-parent.

can you access any private therapy to support you through this?

Firstsuggestions · 18/01/2026 21:28

Im so sorry youre going through this. You can absolutely leave and there are lots of great people on this forum who can offer advice and guidance on how to do this.

First thing, is he definitely set on rebuilding the relationship or is he feeling guilty about it all and just starting a discussion. I won't speculate on what happened or pry if you aren't comfortable discussing but it's incredibly hard for a parent to cut a child off even when they've done something unthinkable. This does not mean you have to be involved or condone it. If your partner is just opening up the conversation can you suggest he seeks individual therapy to process it.

Be very clear on your boundaries be it, 'No I cannot be with you at all if you are in contact with him' or 'If you want to have some contact I understand but you cannot talk to me about him, he must have no access to our home/ daughter and it must only be after the son has sought professional help' or whatever your stipulations are.

However, if reading that you are thinking 'No, I can't, I just want out' then that's totally valid. Do you work or have your own source of income?

Endofyear · 18/01/2026 21:35

I'm sorry for what you've been through OP. Can you talk to your partner and tell him how you feel? It may be that he will hold off from a reconciliation with his son until your tenancy ends in May and you can find somewhere else to live for you and your youngest. If there is any chance of his older son posing a risk to your child then you need to get some advice (legal) on how to prevent him having contact. If you need to leave, do you have a relative you could stay with until May (while still paying your half of the rent?)

TheGirlattheBack · 18/01/2026 21:37

Do you think it’s possible that what you’re feeling is PTSD flight mode?

How have you replied when your DH talked about reconciliation? Have you told your husband that under no circumstance will you ever have anything to do with his son going forward?

Im sorry you’re going through this 💐

JLou08 · 18/01/2026 22:05

How is your relationship with your DH? Do you generally feel that it is safe or is he a risk to you?
If he is a safe person you can trust (his son aside) could you talk to him split amicably? As long as the rent is being paid, the landlord is unlikely to mind you being removed from the tenancy if DH is willing to be sole tenant. DH may also suggest he leaves and you become sole tenant. Talking about how significant this is for you might stop him restarting the relationship or at least postpone it until you are settled.

Original poster
helpsoworndown · 19/01/2026 07:18

Hi all, thanks for your replies. Just trying to take them all in. I’ve already talked to him, I said I needed a bit more tact and sensitivity around the topic instead of him just raising it and landing it on my plate like that, he couldn’t understand why that was needed. (??) We’ve had so many conversations about my feelings around it all over the past year, how could he not know? My feelings can’t be important to him. He wasn’t directly involved in the situation that happened - it was totally on his son - but he seems to be backing down on the NC position and wanting to reach out to him, without considering where that leaves me. I do have a well paid job and also an adult daughter who would be moving with me, so financially we could work it out between us. It just feels so scary and huge and I’m so worried about my younger child and the impact on her. But right now she’s seeing mummy sad and anxious so much of the time, this cannot be good for her either 😔

OP posts:
WideOpenBeaches · 19/01/2026 07:24

Put YOUR oxygen mask on first. Your little one needs you!

Contact Women’s Aid and they’ll probably refer you to a local DA agency who’ll be able to help. They are often able to jump through hoops to get help for individuals that are very hard to do on your own.

BitsyBop · 19/01/2026 07:26

@helpsoworndown are there not legal restrictions in place for the son given his actions? Is there a family liaison officer or someone who was involved who can give advice?

3luckystars · 19/01/2026 07:27

Trust your body.

Of course he wants a relationship with his son. But that comes at a price and either there is a way to do so that it has no impact on you, or you have to end the relationship. So sorry you are suffering x

AmberFawn · 19/01/2026 07:30

You can’t process trauma and heal unless you feel safe. I wouldn’t feel safe in this environment.

Original poster
helpsoworndown · 19/01/2026 07:38

@WideOpenBeachescould womens aid help me even if it’s not my partner directly who’s caused the trauma?

OP posts:
GentleJadeOP · 19/01/2026 07:42

Whatever his son has done, he’s still his son! Can’t you just keep the son separate from your own life but he sees him in private? How would you feel if it was your child that your husband was going to leave you for because of something he had done?

Original poster
helpsoworndown · 19/01/2026 07:42

@BitsyBop hard to explain without getting into the details which I don’t want to do; but no, no legal restrictions against the son. Another person was convicted though for their involvement in the offences against me - we found out afterwards that the son was involved but the evidence against him wasn’t enough. Partner cut off contact on learning of his involvement and stood by me (at least initially). I’m still waiting for trauma therapy and trialling different meds so nowhere near in a place to discuss contact being reinstated, and he knows this. Yet has chosen to drop it on me now.

OP posts:
Original poster
helpsoworndown · 19/01/2026 07:45

@GentleJadeOPyes I know, which is why I’ve said to my partner so many times that I need to leave as I can’t cope with it. He is opposing this saying “we can work things out”. He just wants to put it all back together now it was before the traumatic event and I just can’t. I’ve never said I expect him to go along with how I feel and cut his son off - I’ve said we can separate so things are easier for him too to have the relationship if he wants to. He doesn’t want that either? So feels like I’m the only one who has to compromise my boundaries and my feelings of safety. 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
helpsoworndown · 19/01/2026 07:49

AmberFawn · 19/01/2026 07:30

You can’t process trauma and heal unless you feel safe. I wouldn’t feel safe in this environment.

Thanks for understanding. My entire body is just constantly in fight or flight. It’s exhausting 😭

OP posts:
WideOpenBeaches · 19/01/2026 07:52

@helpsoworndown They will sort YOU out in the first instance and may be able to help elsewhere.

Original poster
helpsoworndown · 19/01/2026 07:53

Sorry just to add, I feel like I just need to get it all out as it’s been 12 months of hell. I’ve encouraged him so many times to access his own support / counselling for his own feelings and he’s paid lip service to this every time then just not done anytbing about it. So occasionally I see bursts of anger from him (often in front of me and our child), which I assume is because he can’t deal with his feelings about it. It’s genuinely terrifying (one time he attempted to get out of a loving car I was driving in anger for example). I’m not perfect but I’ve accessed counselling, I’ve sought out medication from the GP to try and help, I’m on a waiting list for trauma therapy. He’s done nothing to help himself and that’s now impacting me too.

OP posts:
Original poster
helpsoworndown · 19/01/2026 07:54

typo - *moving car

OP posts:
Enrichetta · 19/01/2026 08:01

Call Women’s Aid today.

Move into a 30-day Air BnB tomorrow.

Start looking for a permanent rental on Wednesday.

Find a counsellor on Thursday.

Do something just for yourself on Friday.

Meet up with friends and/or family at the weekend.

It may take longer than a week, but these are the steps I’d suggest.💐

Januaryfalls · 19/01/2026 08:01

WideOpenBeaches · 19/01/2026 07:24

Put YOUR oxygen mask on first. Your little one needs you!

Contact Women’s Aid and they’ll probably refer you to a local DA agency who’ll be able to help. They are often able to jump through hoops to get help for individuals that are very hard to do on your own.

Are you able to tell him to leave?

Financially can you cover everything if he goes?

Could your adult daughter or someone else advocate for you?

No means no. I willl not discuss this. X was involved in the ……… I will not discuss any contact at all. If you want ANY contact with X on any level then you must leave with immediate effect as you are adding to the trauma.

GentleJadeOP · 19/01/2026 11:37

Apart from murder or child abuse, I can’t think of any scenario where you husband should have to choose not to see his own son. It’s unacceptable to demand him to never see him again

Imbusytodaysorry · 19/01/2026 11:39

@helpsoworndown your child needs their mum to be ok. Everything else will work if you are in a good place mentaly .