Please help. I need out of this nightmare

[helpsoworndown]

I really don’t feel able to go into the ins and outs of everything that has happened over the past 12 months. But I need help and advice and any support at all please. I need to leave my partner of 10 years. Long story short, an event that happened last year has left me with PTSD (my partner’s adult son was involved), and essentially he’s talking about rebuilding a relationship with his son after going NC with him for what he did. Anyway, I’ve been really clear that I cannot cope with this, I’m still awaiting trauma therapy for the event itself and I’ve been trialled on all kinds of different meds over past few months to help, nothing helps. The latest meds I’m on have made me feel like a zombie. He’s started talking about rebuilding the relationship with his son and I just can’t cope, I’m in full panic mode and I need out. Problem is we’re tied into a tenancy agreement til May and also we have a primary age child together too, so the guilt of breaking our child’s family would kill me but I just can’t, I need mental peace and I won’t ever find it with him. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but just need to reach out to anyone, anywhere, before my head explodes.

It's up to the parent.

Some parents would cut their children off for any of these offences, or less and some parents will never cut a child off, no matter how heinous and dark their actions are. It's their prerogative.

This sounds so traumatic, OP. I agree with pp that you need to leave with your children.

Ultimately, your partner is letting you know that you and your children can't feel safe if you're in a relationship with him. I hear you saying that he can't have a relationship with you and also with his son at the same time. That this is not safe for you and even if his son wants to make amends, you are in no place or state to be able to entertain this.

I think this is completely fine and understandable. There isn't really any point discussing it with your partner as he is not listening to what you're saying. This is your choice to make. I hope chatting to Women's Aid has helped.

He's clearly feeling stuck and frustrated at this nee reality and needs some support and guidance on how/whether to still be a parent to his son. But given the circumstances that can't come from you, nor should he be hindering your own ability to recover by discussing it. The possibility of rekindling with his son must feel so threatening to you. If there is a particular thing that he could do right now that would change things for you then tell him he needs to do that to help you or you will be leaving (e.g. make an appointment for x therapy session and speak to your GP this week). Otherwise you need to step away from this situation. Is there any way you could.leave in a non-permanent way in case he pulls things together in your absence?

You deserve better than this OP. It sounds like you have a viable option for moving out with your children - I think you should do that and live in peace without this hanging over you. The idea that you should have anything to do with someone who has caused you such serious harm is unthinkable.

Really this is actually by the by, the issue op is raising its her partners ability to be tactful and supportive around her and manage his own emotions around whatever has happened so he can be stable and consistent for the family.

Op I am wondering if your partner actually understands how trauma works and I'm wondering if doing some sort of mediation with a trained professional (maybe the counsellor you've been seeing if they think it's a good idea) to help him really understand what you need and also why you need it in a supported setting. It sounds like you've both been through a hell of a time and are both very emotionally fragile right now .

I think ultimately if you need space from him then that has to be okay, even temporarily for now until you have some time to heal.

Alternatively is it worth scoping out in therapy whether there is space for him to have a relationship with his son that entirely excludes you, where you don't need to hear about it, you never need to see him, and your partner doesn't speak to you about it? As a parent I'm not sure I could cut my son off if he did something horrific, I'd feel responsible for him to try and help him be a better person or at least manage the harm he has potential to cause, so I understand why your partner would like a relationship with him. This just needs to be taken slowly and it needs to be done in a way that supports you feeling safe. It does sound like the idea of this has triggered a self protection flee response (completely and totally normal) so I would try not to make a quick decision on this, but speak to your counsellor. I'm glad you're in the waiting list for trauma specific work it's just a shame you have to wait at all. Is your current counsellor trauma informed and have you looked into their training around trauma?

You need to get out. You have nothing to guilty bad about. You have to protect yourself and your child.

Yes and it’s the OPs prerogative to keep herself and her child safe. If that means getting away from anyone associated with the son, even her own DH then she’s right to do that.

It is the most natural thing in the world to protect your children and to ensure your own safety. The OP doesn’t have to justify that.

The PP who said you need to feel safe OP was spot on. That’s the most important thing for you and your daughter. Your daughter cannot heal if you are anxious about your stepson being on the scene albeit only in connection with your DH. You are right to set your boundaries very clearly on this. Obviously it makes it hard for him to choose between his children but that is s much easier choice than you having to choose between your marriage and feeling safe for you and your daughter.

OP have you managed to find anything that helps regulate your nervous system at all? I find things like Pilates and t’ai chi and being in nature work for me but there are other options below until you access your trauma therapy.

https://healyournervoussystem.com/47-practices-to-heal-a-dysregulated-nervous-system/

Good luck xx

I agree with all of this.

You dont need consent to leave, OP, and should do so for your safety/wellbeing and the safety of your children.

Cannot fathom the "but his son.. " posters.
Women and girls dont have to play second fiddle to sons if they've done something horrific, which sounds like the circumstance here, jesus wept.

Speak to Womens Aid, make a plan, go. Live the rest of your life.

This is such a shitty comment. So OP should stay in a situation where she feels traumatised and terrorised in order that she can share the trauma and terror with her daughter? You are gaslighting and guilt tripping her.

Could you have some EMDR therapy privately. Also could he have some contact with his son, but keep you and your child out of it. Having some firm boundaries in place?

OP, do you already have a non-molestation or occupation order?
This can be applied for online: www.gov.uk/government/publications/apply-for-a-non-molestation-or-occupation-order-fl401
“Ask the court to make an order protecting you and any relevant child from abuse or harassment by a named person, or to prevent them living in your home.”

I also think it's probably quite unlikely due to how grave the situation sounds. If he dd was having unsupervised contact with dad and the son was there that is grounds for dad to be moved to supervised contact for failure to safeguard. I also imagine op could go to SS if dad is still in contact with the son and if she felt there were any risk of him facilitating any type of contact and they would put a written contract in place explicitly stating dad is not to facilitate contact between dd and his son. So no op would be under zero obligation to stay.

Can't your partner maintain contact with his son on the condition that his son never comes to your home? Would your partner understand and accept that?

I think what ever happens your marriage is over.
Your husband is minimising your feelings about the "event/s". It is his son, part of him probably can't believe it.

You need to keep yourself and your daughter safe. I would look for a rental, move out and try and rebuild your life.

How old is your younger daughter? Is she also traumatised by it?
I think you need to get out for your own sanity.

Wishing you the bet of luck.
Things look scary at the moment; however living this 1/2 life is not sustainable.

All you can do is say what your boundaries are, then it’s up to your partner as to what he chooses to do. I do feel for him, as it’s his son at the end of the day. But he needs to accept he will have to choose. Yanbu in wanting to leave. After all, you can leave for any reason if it’s not making you feel safe and/or happy.

But why should OP have to compromise that? She has made it clear that she cannot take the risk of being around his son. She has said, I will leave and you can then rebuild your relationship with him. I think that's perfectly fair.

It's also clear that he can't stick to his word. He went NC, now he's backing down on that. So what, he says, okay he never comes to the house - then next year he backs down on that? How can OP trust him? He's made it clear that she can't.

I disagree. I can well imagine the feelings that the situation has evoked in the OP, but i can also still imagine her partner maintaining some kind of relationship with his son....albeit one which does not intrude into the family home or whereby the son has no direct contact with the OP

You don’t need to wait until May to leave. You need to speak to your landlord to get your name removed from the tenancy agreement, once you’ve found somewhere else to live.

You are still dealing with the trauma of what happened, yet your partner is ignoring your feelings and talking about wanting to renew contact. I would also leave in your situation. Start thinking about a better and safer future for yourself and your children.

Because what is at stake is her marriage and also the relationship of their child with her father. The OP does not have to personally have contact with the son.
Unless the marriage was already failing ( before the 'incident'), it might well be worth fighting for,

This , @Rightsraptor has this exactly right. Your DP is losing his anger at his DS's actions and is now trying to have his cake and eat it, he wants you to stay but he will start contact with his son again and in time he will want to try and gloss over the past and want you to forgive and forget. It may be his place to forgive his son but it's not for him to say you should too.
I don't understand why people think you're being unreasonable to say you'll leave, you're not trying to punish your DP for having second thoughts about his DS, you're saying you can't be involved so you need to go.
I hope you get some practical help really soon

And how can she trust that her partner is going to keep to that agreement, when he has already reneged on his previous decision? Why should she trust him? And why can't she put herself first, and free herself from a relationship where she feels unsafe and retraumatised because her partner does not listen or respect her?

Raise your standards.

Absolutely yes you must leave as soon as you can.
Contact Women's aid and the police.
I think a tenancy can be broken due to abuse, even if it is not the person living in the house, but you need to ask this question.

Kindly meant, but your relationship is over.
You cannot fix shat you didn't break.
You need to get yourself and your children out of there and to a new safe home.

I'm so sorry but it sounds horrendous.
His leaving a moving car is further abuse of you.

Stop thinking of him.
Think of yourself and your child.
You can have a co parenting relationship in the future.

Move and never allow either father or son enter your new safe space.

I would be asking for a refuge.
The soon you leave the better.

It sounds considered and reflective to me. There are no easy solutions.

You've no idea what 'my standards' are.

Sometimes life can be very painful and difficult to deal with...but there are multiple vectors here to consider.

I mean she's said it gave her PTSD and involved her and their shared daughter, so obviously not something minor