Please help. I need out of this nightmare

[helpsoworndown]

I really don’t feel able to go into the ins and outs of everything that has happened over the past 12 months. But I need help and advice and any support at all please. I need to leave my partner of 10 years. Long story short, an event that happened last year has left me with PTSD (my partner’s adult son was involved), and essentially he’s talking about rebuilding a relationship with his son after going NC with him for what he did. Anyway, I’ve been really clear that I cannot cope with this, I’m still awaiting trauma therapy for the event itself and I’ve been trialled on all kinds of different meds over past few months to help, nothing helps. The latest meds I’m on have made me feel like a zombie. He’s started talking about rebuilding the relationship with his son and I just can’t cope, I’m in full panic mode and I need out. Problem is we’re tied into a tenancy agreement til May and also we have a primary age child together too, so the guilt of breaking our child’s family would kill me but I just can’t, I need mental peace and I won’t ever find it with him. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but just need to reach out to anyone, anywhere, before my head explodes.

Rape? Grievous bodily harm?
You think those don't also justify him having to choose?

I love my kids unconditionally but yes those would also be a no

I’ve said to my partner so many times that I need to leave as I can’t cope with it. He is opposing this saying “we can work things out”.

You don't need your partner to agree before you leave. You just do it.
You don't need him to approve, or give you permission. It doesn't make any difference if he opposes it. You don't keep telling your partner that you "need to leave" and then not actually leaving - that is just words, not action.
You need to just do it.

He just wants [...] I’ve said [...] He doesn’t want that either? So feels like I’m the only one who has to compromise my boundaries and my feelings of safety.
Stop trying to find a solution that he wants or agrees with. There isn't one (apart from you giving in to him 100% as if you don't matter).
You can't make him put you first.

You just have to leave.

You lack imagination.

@GentleJadeOP
i have never demanded anything? I’ve told him my feelings and boundaries - he agreed to accept them. He told me he could, because he was equally angry and upset with what he had done to us (one of the victims of the offence was our young daughter - his sister). My partner agreed his actions were unforgivable and he said he felt able to support me - there were no “demands”. Now he’s changed his mind, and I am as yet to process the trauma of what happened and the impact it had on me. So I’m in a position now where I feel I have no choice but to leave - but he is making me feel like I’m being unfair saying I can’t cope with it and I need to leave. I’m not sure how you’ve managed to twist this into me demanding anytbing tbh. That isn’t what happened, and I mever would.

can you please move on from my thread if you have nothing useful to contribute as you are derailing it and others are actually posting useful advice at what is an incredibly traumatic time for me. thanks

Thank you. You’re right. I really need to start putting myself first. I’ve been collateral damage for too long now.

Thanks to everyone who’s posted in good faith and tried to help me - it’s not gone unnoticed and it’s much appreciated.

It is difficult without knowing the scale of the incident that occurred.
As a parent, there’s virtually nothing my DC could do that would mean I cut off all contact. It would have to be highly criminal and depraved actions. And even then I don’t know if I’d be full NC as there are reasons behind everything.
So if there’s been an argument or a falling out, while it might be awful, he might not be in a place he feels NC forever is what he wants to do and it probably isn’t fair to ask that of him.
It would be best to seek advice from someone who you can explain the full story of what’s gone on. Women’s Aid can be really helpful, especially if you need help with your housing rights and tenancy. If you leave & have nowhere to go do make sure WA advocate on your behalf with the local authority if you apply as homeless and in need of emergency accommodation or temp accommodation.

Also consider that your shared child is likely to still have contact with her father, and potentially the son. Only you can know, but is it safer if you are there and able to protect to some extent? Hard to know without knowing the details.

Victim support also worth contacting if it was more a general criminal action rather than DV or SA.
Look at your council website for support.
If you can’t talk to your partner, writing it down and giving the request to him may be easier on your mental state. Basically, it is you or his son and he needs to understand that he has to decide and take onboard the reality.

Also consider that your shared child is likely to still have contact with her father, and potentially the son. Only you can know, but is it safer if you are there and able to protect to some extent? Hard to know without knowing the details.

That would be my concern so legal advice would also be beneficial

There you go, then. I hardly think OP is feeling this way because her DH's son borrowed their car without asking.

It's obvious to most of us why. It's fine if you don't get it but maybe just sit this one out.

The offence was serious enough that the police relocated me and my children from our home to a temporary place of safety due to credible threat to our lives. So no, not just because he borrowed a car, not even on a par with - this was not just a minor falling out.

thanks to everyone else, again. You’ve been amazingly helpful. going to call women’s aid as soon as I can.

I would leave with your children OP. Your DP has demonstrated clearly that he is willing to put your life and your DD’s in danger again by reintroducing this person to your lives. I would get out, get CMS and insist on supervised contact. Her and your safety are more important than his ego or his relationship with an adult son who has threatened your lives.

From my outside perspective this seems like part of the tragic consequences of your partner's son's actions, OP. I can understand why, despite everything, he wants to have contact with his child, but how can he expect you to cope with that?

Ultimately I think you need to leave with your children, especially since one of them was also a victim of this person's actions. It's heartbreaking and unfair, but you're certainly not in the wrong for needing to maintain this boundary. Keep yourself safe and keep your children safe. I'm glad to see you're contacting Women's Aid.

There's just not enough information to say.

Was he involved in that he was a perpetrator of the offending or for example did he run up a drug debt that brought dangerous people to your door? I think it's fine to have clear boundaries around your contact, your daughter and your home, but it would have to be something really really bad to cut out your own child, so I see his dilemma.

Nothing gentle about your response!
Just read all @helpsoworndown posts. Her partner has decided to re-establish a relationship with his son who was involved in not only putting his partner's life in danger but also his own daughter and others. He is the one who is making the choice.
@helpsoworndown you have given enough information here for all to have a clear understanding of what a difficult and dangerous situation you have been in. You are right to prioritise your childrens and your well being and safety as a priority, unlike your partner.
There are many here who will have gone through similar trauma and will help you. Ignore the others.
Wishing you strength as you go forward.

You don’t have to compromise. Your boundary is you cannot manage a relationship if he maintains contact with his son. But realistically this is not something you can force or influence so you have to leave.

stop offering it to him as question or an option to be discussed. Because for you it isn’t, you have to enforce your boundary not try and haggle with him. That’s not fair to you or him.

obviously you have the instinct to preserve the family you have made, but you have to come to terms with the fact it’s ok to put yourself and your wellbeing at the forefront. dc will manage and you can both aim to make it as amicable as possible. While keeping yourself safe as a priority.

I can. I'm not going to do a speculative list, but I can think of many situations where he has to choose one person or the other, at least for many years.

Really? You can’t think of any other reasons at all??

I'm so sorry you've been through such a terrible time. PTSD is relentless, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I think being in a constant fight-or-flight state has affected your thinking. You are in survival mode, and thus are looking for ways to survive - this means, right now, getting as far away from the situation as possible. Hence, the overpowering urge to run.

I think that it's hard on your DH because effectively he's having to choose. But it might be helpful to think of this as just what you need to do right now. It doesn't have to be forever, it doesn't have to be absolute. In time, you may feel able to move back together if, say, you have zero contact with the son, and there are no e.g. photos of him in the house. But right now, even that is too much for you.

You can't say now how you will feel once you have had the time and space to heal, because as yet, you haven't HAD the chance. He needs to let you have that chance.

If your partner's son is a danger to you and/or your daughter, then you need to leave your relationship.

I think for any parent it would be hard to go NC with their child but there has to come a point when certain offences are so horrendous that no normal person could continue a relationship.

Your partner may want things to go back to how things were before the incident, but that's impossible and can't happen. Your partner is being unrealistic and unreasonable to expect it.