Please help. I need out of this nightmare

[helpsoworndown]

I really don’t feel able to go into the ins and outs of everything that has happened over the past 12 months. But I need help and advice and any support at all please. I need to leave my partner of 10 years. Long story short, an event that happened last year has left me with PTSD (my partner’s adult son was involved), and essentially he’s talking about rebuilding a relationship with his son after going NC with him for what he did. Anyway, I’ve been really clear that I cannot cope with this, I’m still awaiting trauma therapy for the event itself and I’ve been trialled on all kinds of different meds over past few months to help, nothing helps. The latest meds I’m on have made me feel like a zombie. He’s started talking about rebuilding the relationship with his son and I just can’t cope, I’m in full panic mode and I need out. Problem is we’re tied into a tenancy agreement til May and also we have a primary age child together too, so the guilt of breaking our child’s family would kill me but I just can’t, I need mental peace and I won’t ever find it with him. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but just need to reach out to anyone, anywhere, before my head explodes.

She doesn't have to.

And OP, your husband doesn't have to agree to you leaving.

The title of the thread begins: ‘Please help.’ I don’t think that’s asking for opinions.

At the moment, it must feel like a nightmare you can't wake up from.

I don't think your DH realises how badly this has affected you. He may have a pipe dream of everything going back to how it was, because he really doesn't like this new reality (an objectionable son and a traumatised wife) and would like to pretend it's not happening.

But he has to face up to reality. Getting away is what you need to do right now. You need to protect yourself, however unreasonable it might seem to people around you who, crucially, are not experiencing this the way you are. Your visceral fears and reactions are REAL, and they won't go away by pretending all is sweet and dandy.

It sounds like the OP was attacked and DH son was involved and only not gone to prison because there wasn't enough evidence on him.
Obviously OP is traumatised by it.
She cannot have the male in her life and she doesn't have to back down on boundaries just because DH now wants a relationship with the son, who has traumatised his wife!
Perfectly reasonable to say if you want contact that's fine but we cannot be together for the obvious reasons.
They have to separate.

Is there any way the police who organised this could give you pointers or advice?
surely for this level of police involvement there must have been some restrictions on the ds?
The fact that your dh doesn’t seem to care that his young daughter was almost killed and his letting her attacker be around her? That’s awful. Hop

Surely OP can get an order restricting the son from being anywhere near the smaller child?

And she doesn't have to but clearly it was something extremely bad or the police wouldn't have moved her and the daughters to a temporary home.

Stop it. You're really not being pleasant.

This all sounds so much worse than awful.
Is there any possibility of you approaching the police ‘body’, that dealt with your relocation. Would they know of any other services who could help or discuss assisting with your present ‘situation’?
I hope you can quickly start to feel a little better for yourself & your DD’s.

yes I know, which is why I’ve said to my partner so many times that I need to leave as I can’t cope with it. He is opposing this saying “we can work things out”.

It's not his call to make. He wasn't the one whose life was threatened. He isn't the one suffering unbearable PTSD. If he doesn't want you to leave, tough.

On any thread where the OP is saying her partner has to choose between her and his child, posters will always say the child is the priority and that's what he's doing. Whether or not that's reasonable in the circumstances is up for debate but he is.

You were in a bad way from what happened. You're in an even worse way now that DP is talking about resuming contact. And it wll be worse still for you if he actually does, to the point where I fear for what you might do to yourself.

Leave. Don't let your partner guilt you into staying. He can dream of happy families all he likes, it's not your responsibility to make those dreams come true.

And when you do split get yourself a shit hot lawyer. If you and your daughter had to be moved by the police for your own protection there is a very good case for saying that he doesn't get contact, or only supervised at a contact centre. He should not have contact where DD could be exposed to his son.

A shared child who will be better off being with one parent and their siblings rather than stay in a toxic family environment where potentially the youngest could be abused/bullied but it's older sibling.

Honestly.

And please remember that you can call the samaritans at any time too. I have found them really helpful when I have been going through hell

Have you actually read OP's posts?

This response is so remarkably tone deaf to OP's description of the seriousness of what happened, to the effect on her, and the unreasonableness of her partner's subsequent response.

All of this, OP. Good luck to you.

Update us about WA and good luck OP.
PTSD is horrendous, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Even Jade ✌🏼🫶🏼

OP first of all I’m sorry you in this situation. It sounds utterly terrifying. I hope the counselling can help you.

Id also like to echo what a PP said about not needing your DH’s permission or agreement to leave. If that’s what it takes to protect your mental health and your DDs’ safety, then that’s your decision to take.

Have you been given access to Victim Support? Has your DD? Just a suggestion.

I truly wish you all the best.

Op I'm so sorry this was done to you and that you are now being retraumatized.

Regarding the guilt you feel at 'breaking up the family' for your youngest child -

I want to tell you that a father who would allow the mother of his child to be terrorised in this way (or who pretends that this is not what is happening) is NOT a good father.

He is a danger to both you and that child, literally in terms of both your physical safety, and both your mental health.

It might help to reframe leaving the relationship as protecting your child in your mind.

@MeganM3 It could be something like debt bringing bad people to their home and op and her child bore the brunt of the visit/lesson as the son wasn't there. Or a traumatic break in that the son knew about, etc,.

There are many things it could be, but what actually matters is how op feels.

I kinda agree that some things would be harder for a parent to cut off their dc permanently (eg, if the son didn't know it was going to happen and it was a result of poor decisions rather than malice), but it's only been a year, and for all we know he was part of it, albeit in the background.

@helpsoworndown either way, op, your feelings are valid and you have a right to feel safe.

Would you be able to cope with your dh seeing his son away from the house and its immediate vicinity, either now or in the future?
Do you see a point where this may change?

It sounds like you've been upfront with him regarding how you feel, but it doesn't sound like he's listening.

He's trying to find ways around it so that he can still see his son, and whilst on some level that's understandable, he needs to be clear that it will mean the end of your relationship if it happens before you're ready for it.

Good luck and 💐

How exactly is this unfair on the husband?

I can see both sides of this. It's unlikely that there's anything my child could do to make me go NC for life. I do empathise with him wanting to rebuild the relationship. However, I can see why you don't want further contact. It seems to me the most sensible option is for him to rebuild the relationship separate to you and for you to remain NC with the adult son.

Leaving him does not seem to resolve any of the issues. He will return to contact with the son, he will most likely have unsupervised contact with your daughter and without your involvement your daughter will see the son without you there to set boundaries and protect her.

Ohh OP, focus on you. I have ptsd from an incident and it left me with many triggers in my uk home. Sleeping minimal hours, lucid dreaming, even doorbell would set me off even though I ordered the items. There were many, many triggers. When my youngest was invited to a school due to her sport abroad, I took the opportunity to try a new life.
I cannot express how it changed my life. I still have the same triggers but less every year. I started sleeping a lot better. Overall I've had a better quality of life even without facing the trauma head on (which I may do eventually but I'm busy). Such a huge change. I lived like you, op, for around 5 years. It's not worth it. All the best.

This must be so awful for you, Op.
Has your husband considered having a relationship with his son that's completely away from you? Your husband is in a situation of having to choose between his children. It's Sophie's choice. A terrible position to be in too.
I'd let him re-establish contact provided he always met him in the nearest city and never gave him your home address. That's reasonable. If he pushes for more, you have to leave.

I think there are many more reasons (violence,drugs,alcohol,abuse physical,psychological,theft,coercion) are all reasons i've seen cause estrangement in families) than murder or child abuse why someone may not be in contact with their adult child ,It is hard to fully comprehend what has happened in OP case as she didn't feel able to share the detail but it is clear whatever happened terrorised the OP and left her mentally unwell. It was significant enough to cause estrangement for months .

I'm concerned that your H will allow his son back into your life incrementally, OP, if you say yes to anything.

First it'll be 'I'm going meet son down the pub. Don't worry, he won't come here'.
Then, after a while, you'll find SS in your living room, having turned up early to meet your H
Then your H will say 'I've asked S round for Sunday dinner this weekend.'

Drip, drip, drip.

Don't permit that to start.

I'm stunned by the posters here who can't get their head around this situation and imply it's not serious. We don't know what he did, we don't need to but we must a accept what OP says. A substantial subset of women who are killed by men they know are killed by sons, step sons & sons in law. Don't forget that.

FFS Can't you read through the lines and guess what might have happened? You can NC with children for any reason you like.

Perhaps go back and have another think , as there are so many situations where this would be appropriate.