Please help. I need out of this nightmare

[helpsoworndown]

I really don’t feel able to go into the ins and outs of everything that has happened over the past 12 months. But I need help and advice and any support at all please. I need to leave my partner of 10 years. Long story short, an event that happened last year has left me with PTSD (my partner’s adult son was involved), and essentially he’s talking about rebuilding a relationship with his son after going NC with him for what he did. Anyway, I’ve been really clear that I cannot cope with this, I’m still awaiting trauma therapy for the event itself and I’ve been trialled on all kinds of different meds over past few months to help, nothing helps. The latest meds I’m on have made me feel like a zombie. He’s started talking about rebuilding the relationship with his son and I just can’t cope, I’m in full panic mode and I need out. Problem is we’re tied into a tenancy agreement til May and also we have a primary age child together too, so the guilt of breaking our child’s family would kill me but I just can’t, I need mental peace and I won’t ever find it with him. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but just need to reach out to anyone, anywhere, before my head explodes.

only two people have put that at stake. The dh and his DS.

Relationships can be messy and difficulties are not always easy to resolve.

For pity's sake, just because someone asks for advice doesn't mean they're obliged to list every grizzly detail, in fact, since the Ops has PTSD the last thing she needs is to be forced to write about it.

It sounds like their child was involved so it's presumably OP and his other child's safety, and mental health that are being put at risk

Why should she have to compromise? It doesn't sound like her husband is particularly understanding, I would be icredibly wary of him actually maintaining that boundary, given how jn less than 12 months he's already keen to erode OPs.

Why can't her husband prioritise his younger child and wife, and remain NC with the man that has obviously been involved in harming his family?

Rape or some form of sexual abuse of an adult don't come to mind?

To say what? She’s not trying to stop him having contact with his son, she is just trying to separate from him as a result. And, although she doesn’t need to, she has said more than enough on this thread to make it evidently clear why.

Just leave with the kids. No need to write a post if it’s making you that poorly and mentally unwell. If he can’t stand by you and support you considering the incident was serious and caused by his own flesh and blood and your own child together was also a victim then fuck him off. That isn’t a partner.

Bloody hell - I can think of several without even trying. But I am not going to list them because the OP is upset enough and doesn't need people speculating.

In any case, your post is unkind, unhelpful and irrelevant. The OP is not asking whether she is right or wrong to feel as she does.

You say that you are suffering seriously from the trauma and naturally need to be in a space where you feel safe and in control.

-Living with a man who explodes and who does not seem to understand your need for security sounds like the opposite of that!
-Living where a source of your trauma could be re-introduced isn't going to help in your recovery either.

Your daughter needs you to be safe and able to recover even if having her dad around is great. (It might not be as great as you think in the circumstances.)

Your DH needs contact with his son. You would probably be the same with your own children if they did something unforgivable. No doubt he also needs you but...

You do sound to be saying that you need to leave and that this is your priority.

It is tough having to do this while in recovery from something so serious. 💐

im sorry you are going through this. you should be your partner's top priority.

ii suffer from CPtsd and my psychologist is advising me to leave my husband - even if just for a time.

Clearly whatever his son did is very serious ot leave you Beth PTSD and to cause your partner to go NC with his son in the first place.

Women's Aid have been very helpful for me.

if you want to send me a message I am happy to talk to you.

OP - is your name on the tenancy?

Can you and your dd afford the rent without him?

OP please don' feel you need to justify your actions.

It is irrelevant what others see as manageable crimes.

As you said you have not demanded anything from your DH, you have told him what you will to do for yourself if he has contact with his son.

The fact that DH went NC in the first place illustrates how serious you both thought it was.

He has now changed his mind and therefore you have every right to do so

Your response here is just fab. It showed real strength and was fair and I really think that you will be on the road to recovery in no time. I think 100% you're wise to listen to yourself and you have to put mental health, safety and your children first.

I wish you all the best in your journey to something much more peaceful and I hope it goes as smooth as it can. Sending huge hugs.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and that your husband even thinks it's appropriate to reintroduce his son into your lives. That's incredibly hurtful.

You've expressed yourself really well on this thread, I've no idea what people aren't understanding, and I really hope Women's Aid can help you access the support you need. Much love to you.

It's turned my stomach reading some of these posts, advocating for op to comprmise her own safety, even her daughters safety.

Op it sounds horrific and that fact your dd was involved this man you call dh has no right to his dd if he’s willing to get back into his ds live it would not be fair on dd. So either way he has to choose you both or him and when you move tell him he cannot have access to the address etc for your safety. What a shitty selfish thing to do to you both.

She's said there was a conviction against another person for what was done, but the son's involvement didn't come out until afterwards.

Sounds like there might be a safeguarding issue from you’ve said in later posts. I hope you can get guidance from Women’s Aid on how to access help.

Seriously? I can. Use a bit of imagination.

I dont want to speculate on OP's trauma but from what she says a crime was committed against her person and it was found that DH's son was complicit in some way.

Would you want to condone that kind of behaviour, I certainly wouldn't.

What an awful position to be in. I cannot imagine the amount of fear that surrounds you. Big MN Hug.

PEOPLE! PLEASE!

The OP has not asked for opinions on whether she is right or wrong, reasonable or unreasonable to feel as she does, but what support she can get and actions she can take given her feelings and responses.

Arguing and speculating is not remotely helpful. Or relevant.

I think you should separate but there needs to be some sort of safeguards in place with regard to your daughter if she has contact with her dad and he has started seeing his son again. I wish you strength on finding a way forward.

HRTFT just OP's

Problem is we’re tied into a tenancy agreement til May

You need to take each step at a time.

Is the tenancy agreement a yearly one or rolling?
Can you get in touch with the landlord and ask to have your name removed from the tenancy agreement as you're moving out?

As we don't know, and don't need to know what his DS has contributed to in all this it's difficult to say whether his wanting to build a relationship with his son is the right thing to do or not, does he believe that as it wasn't DS directly then he sees DS as not being involved so it's fine to do so.

He is opposing this saying “we can work things out”. He just wants to put it all back together now it was before the traumatic event and I just can’t.

There's absolutely no way you can be, nor should be expected to do that and he shouldn't even be suggesting it, sounds like his "we can work it out" boils down to you having to live with it, accept his DS back into your life and move on.
Of course he's not going to want you to leave, that doesn't suit his needs.

I'd start looking for another property with your 2 DC, even if you have to do so while still being on the tenancy for your current address, but do make sure you come off of it as you'll still be liable for any rent/damages.

Dear OP, I am so sorry to hear this. If you feel safe to do so, I think you need to explain to your partner that you understand his desire to rebuild his relationship with his son, but that you simply cannot be a part of that.
Would you be able to stand for him to have a relationship with his son as long as he did not come to your home and you never had to see him? Or would your partner having contact at all just be too much for you?
Work out what is best for you, what can work for you, and then lay it out for him and stick to your guns.
Wishing you well xx

He was involved in a situation that led to someone being convicted of a criminal act that left OP with PTSD. If it had been my partner that was the victim, I can’t imagine any situation where I’d want anything to do with this person.

PTSD isn’t a bit of anxiety because someone popped a balloon and made you jump. Whatever happened sounds pretty serious, given that there was a criminal conviction.

You are unreasonable.

HTH.