Please help. I need out of this nightmare

[helpsoworndown]

I really don’t feel able to go into the ins and outs of everything that has happened over the past 12 months. But I need help and advice and any support at all please. I need to leave my partner of 10 years. Long story short, an event that happened last year has left me with PTSD (my partner’s adult son was involved), and essentially he’s talking about rebuilding a relationship with his son after going NC with him for what he did. Anyway, I’ve been really clear that I cannot cope with this, I’m still awaiting trauma therapy for the event itself and I’ve been trialled on all kinds of different meds over past few months to help, nothing helps. The latest meds I’m on have made me feel like a zombie. He’s started talking about rebuilding the relationship with his son and I just can’t cope, I’m in full panic mode and I need out. Problem is we’re tied into a tenancy agreement til May and also we have a primary age child together too, so the guilt of breaking our child’s family would kill me but I just can’t, I need mental peace and I won’t ever find it with him. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but just need to reach out to anyone, anywhere, before my head explodes.

This. I understand the OP doesn’t want to say what happened, but hard to give any advice.

Very little would stop me seeing my adult kids or grandkids. 🤷‍♀️

You do not need permission from anybody to leave a relationship. You can break a tenancy agreement also.

However, there will be an expectation that your daughter has a relationship with her father. If you do split up, are you ok with her seeing him / spending time with him without you? Is she safe with her dad if he resumes contact with his son?
I think the earliest posters are right - Women's Aid are the people with the legal knowledge in this area. Please make an appointment to talk to them. This isn't just about your PTSD, this is about your safety and your daughters.

@helpsoworndown

Listen, you are not the one who is 'breaking' your family. HE is doing that himself. You are just reacting, like someone who steps around broken glass when someone else smashes a window or a vase.

And remember that divorce is commonplace these days. Chances are DD has almost as many kids in her class in single parent homes than in 'intact' homes. I'm not saying she won't be affected, but there will be children she will see daily who are settled and happy and she will 'absorb' that. Plus since this incident involved her it sounds as if she saw or heard her brother's actions so it's imperative that she be kept safe from him for her own feelings of security.

Here are your 'practical actions' as I see them;

Step one, stop talking to him about this. Stop trying to get your points across or trying to convince him to change. It's an exercise in futility and does nothing but make your anxiety worse. Just let him talk and only reply 'No' to any suggestion that you have his son in your life or in your presence (same regarding DD). Don't JADE (Justify, Argue/Apologize, Defend, or Explain your position. As the MN adage says "No is a complete sentence".

Step two, if your adult DD isn't in your complete confidence, now is the time. Tell her that you are going to leave and the two of you start making concrete plans; look for places to live, set budgets, do 'logistics'. Not only is this practical, but doing these things is a real boost in your feelings of 'positivity' and that translates to courage and action. Believe me, I know whereof I speak!!

Step three, see a divorce solicitor and SAY NOTHING. Find out about breaking the tenancy and whether the circumstances can be considered in allowing you to remove yourself from the lease. Also be prepared to give a 'snapshot' of family finances & assets to see how divorce may affect you financially, for good or ill. Ask about child arrangements in light of the brother's actions. Yes, DH will have access, but can there be a stipulation that DH is not allowed to have him around when he sees DD. Forewarned is forearmed, knowledge is power.

You can do this. Remember it's a marathon, not a sprint. But all you need to do is start moving forward.

Seriously? I can. Use a bit of imagination.

I dont want to speculate on OP's trauma but from what she says a crime was committed against her person and it was found that DH's son was complicit in some way.

Would you want to condone that kind of behaviour, I certainly wouldn't.

'Very little' causes a person to develop PTSD and 'very little' causes the police to move a person and her young daughter to a place of safety because their lives are under threat.

If the offence was serious enough for you and your daughter, your partners child, to be relocated for safety, then why is your partner wanting to have a relationship with his son? Not knowing the gravity of the offence it's difficult to offer appropriate advice. However, I do not understand how a relationship with his son, whom has caused you to need therapy and medication, could come before your emotional well being and that of his young daughters. You should not have to negotiate feeling safe. Your partner is putting his relationship with his son above your sanity and ultimately, his relationship with you. It tells you everything you need to know.

Can’t you ? Rape, sexual abuse, violence ? OP has a young daughter - what about her safety ?

He is opposing this saying “we can work things out”.

Your partner cannot truly know how you feel, let alone dictate it. He wishes the world were in an alternative reality but the truth is his son destroyed your relationship. It's not on you. He will have to grieve for the past and let you go.

Well it was bad enough to put her life in danger to the extent the police relocated OP and her children. How much worse does it have to get ?

Whatever the circumstances, you owe it to yourself and your little one to be safe and feel secure. If your partner cannot, or will not offer this, or is going back on a previously agreed course of action then, in my opinion, you ought to remove yourself from harm way.

I hope you can do this quickly, and safely and wish a safe future for you and your daughter.

I can fully understand him wanting no contact in the shock of the immediate aftermath and then struggling with that later. No matter what it is his son and he has likely felt a lot of guilt and what if's so it is somewhat natural as time has gone on for him to want to be a better father to his son.

I understand it feels like a total betrayal, but I don't think it is. More a natural evolving.

I do think it's worth having some counselling sessions for you separately and together to work through this and understand what it could look like and what boundaries you could both put in place.

For example could you cope if your home stayed as your safe space and DH met his son at X place miles away on a set evening and agreed not to talk about it. Or went away with him one weekend per month.

OP has given enough information about what happened to inform us of the extreme seriousness of it: that someone was convicted of a criminal offence against her and that her, and her dd were threatened to the extent of being moved to a place of. safety,
What more information do you need for heavens sake for you to realise the seriousness of what happened.

This isn’t messy, it’s criminal and life threatening to the point where the OP and her children were temporarily relocated. Are you seriously saying that you would continue contact with someone who is this level of threat to you and your children ?

For those advising OP to accept some sort of compromise. If the situation is as OP has said, then ANY contact with the son represents a threat to her. Even if DH meets his son without any direct contact between them and OP, she has no control over what happens or what is discussed during their time together. She doesn’t know where the threat lies and neither do we.

Yes they could! Domestic abuse can be from an adult child to a parent or step parent too (or from an ex parter or another family member). It isn't just about partners.

It’s hard to know where to start with so many replies, sorry I can’t reply to everyone but I do really, really appreciate those who’ve posted helpful advice and support. Thank you.

I think the reason he wants to reconcile is because he believes his son was somehow ‘brainwashed’ by the person responsible and that he basically went along with it because he’s young and suggestible. However there have also been malicious lies spread to various people about me (of the worst kind you can imagine) that his son has openly admitted to DH were initiated and spread by him. When called out by DH for this, he refused point blank to offer any sort of apology for his actions or to clear my name of the disgusting malicious lies he’d spread to others. It was at that point DH said he was washing his hands of him. I don’t believe he’s as suggestible and brainwashed as DH makes out - I believe he was an adult making a choice to to put members of his family at risk, including his little sister. And then adding insult to injury with malicious lies, and when called out refusing to apologise. How could I ever have a person like that in my life, or accept them in my partner’s life? It feels like a huge betrayal that he could forgive and forget his son’s part in something that has destroyed me from the inside out and left me with debilitating trauma. But there we are. If that’s what he needs to do; I won’t stand in his way. But I cannot be a part of it, not even from a distance. I haven’t even begun my healing journey yet, there’s been no processing or closure. He’s not a safe person to me anymore because he has the power to expose me to powerful trauma triggers, whenever he decides to. I don’t believe it’s malicious on DH’s part - I think he genuinely is just completely naive and in denial, and wants it to just be what it was before. But it never can be.

Thank you - this articulates perfectly why I don’t feel safe with any contact, in any form, while I am still a part of the equation.

Agree 100%. I wrote a longer similar post but lost it, but nobody needs to know the gory details and OP should not feel obliged to satisfy some people's curiosity. From the original post to her later ones it is obvious it was/is serious and OP and her children, both the adult daughter and young daughter need to feel safe, and they don't at the mention of the DH's son coming back into DH's life. I am not going to get into a discussion about this, but there are lots of reasons for NC for life. Most of the cases are on the News, in crime documentaries and the many other SM blogs etc. OP I hope you manage to find some suitable accommodation asap along with the Therapy and help you need for you and your daughter to be able to move on and hopefully gradually put this behind you as much as you are able. If you receive Therapy they will give you the tools to manage the situation, but obviously you won't just forget it. Take care OP.

I can think of other reasons why her husband might not ever want to see him again.
Sexual assault , violence , theft from a vulnerable , being 3 other examples.

It’s an individual moral compass issue.

Yes @helpsoworndown please don't feel forced to share any more details about what happened just because there are some obtuse fuckwits on this thread.

I second the suggestion of EMDR if you're in a position to access private therapy. And I hope Women's Aid are supportive if you do contact them.

You can just say you're done with the relationship and it's over, @helpsoworndown . There's no requirement to reach a compromise.

In terms of the 'how' you go about taking the next steps to separate, this depends a bit on the specifics. One is how reasonable your partner is more generally - though obviously he's not being reasonable about this issue. The other main consideration is contact between your partner and your DD And whether this is likely to compromise her safety. You don't have to say anything about that here. If this is an issue though, I would definitely talk to Women's Aid or your local domestic abuse service about how to ensure your own and your DD's safety when you leave. In that scenario, you should get your ducks in a row before you take any action and also before you talk to your partner.

Finally I just wanted to say that PTSD is really treatable with CBT and EMDR so please know that things can improve. As a PP said, you have to be safe to do this work and currently you're not. Wishing you all the best 💐

This sounds absolutely awful - hope you can get the help you need. Can’t offer much advice but sending a hug and wishing all the best for you and your daughters.

@helpsoworndown I'm not surprised your DP is trying to say his DS was brainwashed and gullible, too few parents can face up to their child's guilt, it's always they were led on, they followed the crowd etc etc. If your DP really looked at his DS in a cold, detached way he'd a) find it much harder to forgive and b) have to face up to his own part in his DS behaviour.

Another here seconding EMDR for your PTSD.

As PPs have said, you’re under no obligation to give further details about what occurred. Indeed, you should not. What i note is that whatever happened, it was regarded as directly and seriously endangering the female portion of the household and led to imprisonment for one of the perpetrators.

Your partner likely feels devastated that his adult son has behaved so horrifically and that is why he is casting around for excuses. And any decent parent who loves their child is bound to find it extremely difficult to break contact permanently. If his son is still relatively young, your partner may feel there is a prospect of him redeeming himself which will be lost if your partner has nothing further to do with him. That may all be true.

But you are allowed to maintain a hard line. You are allowed to say that for you there’s no way back and that there is no way through this. That is actually a natural and healthy consequence for the harm your partner’s son has caused.

I’m so sorry you’re in this position, OP. It sounds horrendous.

Dear @helpsoworndown
im sorry to read your post and for what you have been through 😥

All you can control really in your life are your own actions. You can hope your DH does do what he originally promised to you regarding his son, but you can only absolutely control your own behaviour and decision making.

With this in mind, I would move into a flat with adult DD and young DC asap. You don't have to initiate divorce - but for now you can remove yourself somewhere separate from DH. GIve him time to work through his own grief and priorities.

I appreciate money is involved here but if there is anyway you can take initial steps to move somewhere and protect yourself and your DDs and feel safe, secure and private I would just do that. I was lucky when I did this a friend let me house sit for 6 weeks whilst I worked out my plan.

It sounds truly heartbreaking but do what you can control and act in your best interests at all time x x