Please help. I need out of this nightmare

[helpsoworndown]

I really don’t feel able to go into the ins and outs of everything that has happened over the past 12 months. But I need help and advice and any support at all please. I need to leave my partner of 10 years. Long story short, an event that happened last year has left me with PTSD (my partner’s adult son was involved), and essentially he’s talking about rebuilding a relationship with his son after going NC with him for what he did. Anyway, I’ve been really clear that I cannot cope with this, I’m still awaiting trauma therapy for the event itself and I’ve been trialled on all kinds of different meds over past few months to help, nothing helps. The latest meds I’m on have made me feel like a zombie. He’s started talking about rebuilding the relationship with his son and I just can’t cope, I’m in full panic mode and I need out. Problem is we’re tied into a tenancy agreement til May and also we have a primary age child together too, so the guilt of breaking our child’s family would kill me but I just can’t, I need mental peace and I won’t ever find it with him. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but just need to reach out to anyone, anywhere, before my head explodes.

It might be worth ringing Shelter for advice re the tenancy. Or Women's Aid but Shelter are possibly more likely to answer the phone.

Yes it was me.
I read that somewhere that this is the case.
Definitely worth checking out.
I am so sorry things are so hard but you really need to put yourself, your well-being and your children ahead of your husband and his son.

I don't believe you have any future with a man who will have any further contact with his son in these circumstances.

You cannot change this situation sadly.
Your relationship is collateral damage in all this.

Put yourself first for the sake of your children and get out of there.

@helpsoworndown

This is what AI responded to a google for 'UK law, breaking a lease due to violence by a third party at the address"

"In the UK, if violence by a third party makes your home unsafe, you can often end your tenancy early without penalty by giving written notice, especially under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, which protects victims, though you need to provide evidence like a police report or doctor's note, and you should seek help from support organizations like Shelter or Citizens Advice for specific procedures, as the perpetrator's status (joint tenant/owner) affects options like Occupation Orders".

I'd contact the organizations mentioned but I wouldn't wait to leave. I'd give the written notice with copies of police/court docs mentioned above and skedaddle. It can all be worked out later. Good luck

OP: Shelter have a very helpful advice line, maybe ask them about removing yourself from a tenancy where you are unsafe?

I've come back to wish you good luck, I hope it doesn't take too long. Please keep us up to date, we're all concerned for you.

Thanks everyone. I asked him to leave this evening, he was walking about the place pretending nothing was wrong and I just snapped; said I need him out of my space. He’s left the house and is driving around apparently (??) He has mates houses he can go to or his mums, but he said he hasn’t bothered to contact them yet, which makes me think he’s going to sleep in the car and then make out he’s the victim. I can’t be bothered I’m too tired for any of it. I e called my sister this evening and sobbed til I couldn’t breathe. She was so supportive and calm, it was everything I needed. I’m so glad to have her. My eldest daughter is at her boyfriends so I’m feeling a bit wobbly as she always makes me feel grounded. Just me and the little one this evening and actually, now he’s left - I feel peace inside and weight lifted. Think that tells me all I need to know .

I plan to email letting agent tomorrow and call womens aid - been so busy at work I haven’t had a chance yet. I appreciate every single one of you for your support, I really do

You've got this, OP. I'm so glad you've found clarity and wish you all the strength you need to get yourself and daughters safe and sorted.

Yes, how your body reacts to him not being there tells you everything you need to know.

I often think our bodies are wiser than our brains.

Our tenant emailed me to say her partner had gone leaving her with the baby, she had contacted housing benefit etc. I just replied how sorry I was and to keep in touch.

Eight years later she said she'd got a new guy, he was moving in I said fine. I didn't put him on the tenancy (probably MN influence all the tales I'd read about bastards and cock lodgers over the years).

Last month another email, he was leaving. I thanked her for letting me know.

I don't think agents will be that surprised or concerned.

OP you say you have an adult DD who will move in with you.

Whats her financial situation?
Could she find a place asap and then at least you’ll have somewhere to go for now/in the future.

Even if it means you sleeping in the front room for a few weeks until you find somewhere more suitable/can get off the tenancy.

@Uhghg
adult DD is only 20, so shes only just establishing her career. Up until recently she was just doing minimum wage jobs in a bar etc. She’s recently secured a new job though to get her foot on the ladder in her chosen field and if all goes well she’ll be earning 25k by the summer. She has a car to run but no finance on it, paid for outright. I am in a good job earning around £55k. So we can definitely do this by ourselves can’t we? It’s just so scary to think of being on my own after so long with someone 😔 I’m aware that sounds pathetic for a 40 year old woman but there we are.

It's not pathetic Op, you've got used to being part of a couple and now it's scary to have to go it alone. You'll be better in time, your Ex has rattled your boundaries and made you feel unsafe, now you can settle and hopefully feel calmer and more comfortable

Nothing pathetic about you at all!!
You're amazing

Hi @helpsoworndown you are only 40 and still have your life ahead of you - if you leave now. The person who is making you unhappy, scared, worthless and all the other negative things you may apply to yourself at the moment, is not bothered how you feel or care for the impact on your mental health caused by his actions. I don't know if your son has witnessed any of his threats or any violence, but it can't be a nice safe atmospere for a child. Your H has clearly worn you down (no pun intended) and you will start to feel better the moment you are out of that toxic environment. Please don't wait until you are 45, 50 or 60 yrs old, because I fear you may be so damaged by that time, that you have no hope and no strength to find any. The older you are the harder it is to move on and make a new life for yourself, and so easy to think "I'll do it tomorrow" and before you know it the best years of your life are gone. Take care of you and your son and daughter and those closest to you, and once you have other accomodation secured and you are able, move out and don't look back.

Op it’s not pathetic when people are in relationships they want them to last especially if they are good and when kids are involved it’s even more important to want that. Op it’s understandable your scared your having to do something you didn’t want to do but with your dp throwing this at you and with what’s gone on you need to do it but it’s not necessarily what you would choose . Op your doing this for protection from someone who has really hurt you and your dc. Yes you can afford it and make sure dp pays maintenance your being pushed to do it remember this is on your dp and his awful son not you,

@helpsoworndown

You can do this. You're smart and savvy about your finances and those are the main things you'll need to start afresh. And I get the worry about being on your own after being part of a couple. It's an adjustment and you'll find yourself having to do things you haven't done before because they were 'his job'. But you'll be surprised at how self reliant you can be. And you'll take great pride in that when you do realize it!

FWIW, I recently left a marriage of 38 years due to my DH's drinking. I was with him longer than I lived with my parents, longer than I was single in my younger days. The main thing you will find is that the peace and calm you will have in your new home is priceless. And you won't be alone, you'll have DD and your little 'un for company. I'm doing fine, you will too.