Have I spoilt the evening?

[Iknowdino]

So husband and I rarely do anything together just us 2. We went to a concert he booked back in November but he only took me after asking a few mates and not finding anyone that would go, definitely not my kind of thing. Previously can't think of when we last did something just us 2 probably 2024 for my birthday. We do lots together with DDS as a family though. Don't even sit in together and watch a film or anything as DDS are teens and always around.

Got a rare night to night as they are both off on a sleepover. Dh has been asking what I want to do all week. Mostly saying how much sex we are going to have. I said I wanted to go out for tea as we havent in ages. He has made comments twice in the week about staying in and getting a take away and about getting something nice in to cook. Both times I have explained I don't want to do this. He will want a Chinese takeway which is crap for me as I am gluten free and no Chinese takeaways around here cater for gf. I explained I don't want to cook as I want a night off from cooking and cleaning and he doesn't cook so would fall to me to buy and cook the meal even if we share cleaning off.

Tonight is the night of the sleepover. He arranged to go out all day and had called me on the way home to ask what I want to do tonight. I said I thought we were going out. His response was, "we don't have to go out, I'm not bothered". This has really upset me and I was pissed off. I said "well if you're not bothered let's not go out" and now he is in a foul mood and not speaking to me saying I've ruined the night. Have I over reacted?? I'm not raging or in a huff it just upset me that he clearly doesn't want to go out and I was stupidly looking forward to it. I just feel like he is intentionally sabotaging it, trying to upset me then telling me I'm the reason we can't go out! Or maybe he doesn't want to be seen out in public with me??

He "made comments" but did you actually discuss your plans and come to a conclusion beforehand? What made you think you were going out?

If he’s been out all day then a takeaway and sex would probably be a nice way for him to round his day off.
He sounds selfish and thinks no effort required. You should still go out, even if you go alone it’ll give you a break from cooking.

Just book a table?

Yes it was definitely voiced by me that I was keen to go out on several occasions. There was no firm plan as in time or place but I said we could decide on the day where we wanted to go depending on what we fancied eating that day. We discussed options.

He's been out all day and just wants to come home. He's really not bothered about what you want, what you would like to do. I think probably you don't shout loud enough. You should have booked somewhere and told him where you are going. My sealed envelope prediction is that he'll start being more amenable when it's too late to go anywhere.

So you both made comments about the different things you wanted to do, but didn't actually agree?

"Voiced by me" and "making comments" doesn't really sound like a normal adult conversation, hence along for clarification!

That's how it feels, that he can't be arsed and is essentially saying going out with me isn't worth the effort. I have made it very clear this week that I want to go out. I'm not asking him to put any thought into where or book atable or out. I am happy to do that. Just a bit of enthusiasm would be nice. Rather than feeling like an effort. He didn't have to go out today. He could have spent the day with me doing something nice but chose to go and do something that he could have done another time. I have done my own nice things today it's not like I've moped about waiting for him.

Why do you think you overreacted?

Although it does sound like nothing was organised, his behaviour now sounds ridiculous. Why don’t you take yourself out with a friend?

As far as I was aware it was agreed we were going out for tea tonight and the location was to be agreed today. That's what we discussed and decided on. It's true he said options to stay in but it feels like his only options were to stay in and that feels so odd to me. He is more than happy to go out with friends - been out twice this week so it's not like he likes to stay in and do nothing. He actively arranged to go out with other people

I have made it very clear this week that I want to go out

But did he agree? It sounds like you'd decided you were doing that and started looking forward to it (understandably), but he hadn't committed and had stated a preference for not going out, yet you thought the plan was to do what you wanted (because you understandably deserve it).

Edit- crossed messages - ok so you did actually discuss it and he had agreed that you'd be going out. It didn't sound like that from your earlier posts.

Have you had a clear and direct conversation about the fact that you want to do more things as a couple and you both need to make some changes and put more effort in as you’re not happy?

I don't. This is what he has said. That I've got annoyed and spoilt the evening. He isn't speaking to me now because of this. I am fine apart from being sad that my husband can't be arsed to spend any time with me.

Yes he agreed with what I said about takeaway being shit for me and with what I said about cooking. I get that he said he wanted to stay in but it was agreed we would go out. He could have said definitely not but he didn't. Then at least I could have made other plans or not bothered to look forward to it. Feel like I'm in a prison in this house!

You said you wanted to go out so you could take yourself off to the cinema, perhaps grabbing yourself a takeaway of your choice en route if you don't want to eat out alone.

Or you could organize an Indian takeaway, then head off for a long bath with a glass of wine and a good book.

You've both got into a rut of not going out or making the effort. He's also got into the habit of not listening to you. Once he hears your plans, he may a) surprise you and want to come along (to the cinema) b) enjoy an Indian or c) sulk. Either way you get a nice evening and he gets food for thought.

Next time he asks you what you want to do ask him if he's really asking you, or if he already has an idea he wants to suggest. (You might also point out that saying "Lets have lots of sex" is about as much of a turn on as a pole of ironing.)

Yes it's been something we have been discussing since 2019! I tell him I need more and he dismisses it. I told him after many discussions in July I wanted to leave the relationship and he begged me not to, saying we would do more and go to counselling but he hasn't sorted anything. And I brought it up in October and still nothing.

Why didn't you reply with "I thought earlier this week we agreed we'd go, where shall we go?". Seems you blew an argument over a lack of communication.

Yeah sorry OP but you’re being quite difficult and have now put a dampener on an evening you were both looking forward to.

He’s told you that he’d rather stay in
-if you’ve got teens surely you can go out in the evenings without issues and so having the house to yourself is more of a treat.

But you’re adamant you want to go out - which is fine.
But then you’ve not suggested anywhere.

Why would he suggest anywhere when it’s you that wants to go out?
Tell him you want to go X place and he can say yes or to choose somewhere different.

You obviously have some idea of what you want to do and so tell him.
Why can he tell you exactly what he wants to do but you won’t say it back.

It's not sex, we have sex 2-3 times a week. The only connection we have is sex. I only get a cuddle if he is grabbing my boobs or bum. I have told him so many times that it's not ok to just start feeling me up without even so much as a hello, how was your day. I'm just a housemaid he can have sex with.

He won't have an Indian takeaway only a Chinese one. We never get takeaways because he refuses anything other than Chinese and me and dd have coeliac so can't have anything apart from some boiled rice

This makes him sound vile.

You have deeper problems than dinner.

I think it's time to act on it then, pointkess making ultimatums if you don't follow through.

I’m waiting meeting @Iknowdino if you’re the only one who thinks you agreed to go out. It seems pretty clear that he doesn’t think that’s what was agreed. I would also be upset in your shoes, but the communication was a bit vague and passive

I have suggested loads of places! All week I've been looking at menus and naming some nice places but said we would firm up the plans on Saturday depending on what we fancied as I can't decide what food I'm going to want a week in advance.

If staying in was really what he wanted, he could have made it more clear and explained why like I did with my reasons to go out.

And yes we can go out whenever but we don't. I've tried to get him to go out but he doesn't want to. Says we all go as a family, then it's too expensive to all go so we never do.

@Iknowdino Why not get dressed up and take yourself off for a meal out? It will prove a point that you meant what you said and you're sticking to it. Also it will make him think about what he is missing out on when he sees you looking fab and confident.

I often eat out alone. Its liberating!

Have a great evening with even better company - yourself!