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Original poster

Have I spoilt the evening?

281 replies

Iknowdino · 17/01/2026 16:15

So husband and I rarely do anything together just us 2. We went to a concert he booked back in November but he only took me after asking a few mates and not finding anyone that would go, definitely not my kind of thing. Previously can't think of when we last did something just us 2 probably 2024 for my birthday. We do lots together with DDS as a family though. Don't even sit in together and watch a film or anything as DDS are teens and always around.

Got a rare night to night as they are both off on a sleepover. Dh has been asking what I want to do all week. Mostly saying how much sex we are going to have. I said I wanted to go out for tea as we havent in ages. He has made comments twice in the week about staying in and getting a take away and about getting something nice in to cook. Both times I have explained I don't want to do this. He will want a Chinese takeway which is crap for me as I am gluten free and no Chinese takeaways around here cater for gf. I explained I don't want to cook as I want a night off from cooking and cleaning and he doesn't cook so would fall to me to buy and cook the meal even if we share cleaning off.

Tonight is the night of the sleepover. He arranged to go out all day and had called me on the way home to ask what I want to do tonight. I said I thought we were going out. His response was, "we don't have to go out, I'm not bothered". This has really upset me and I was pissed off. I said "well if you're not bothered let's not go out" and now he is in a foul mood and not speaking to me saying I've ruined the night. Have I over reacted?? I'm not raging or in a huff it just upset me that he clearly doesn't want to go out and I was stupidly looking forward to it. I just feel like he is intentionally sabotaging it, trying to upset me then telling me I'm the reason we can't go out! Or maybe he doesn't want to be seen out in public with me??

OP posts:
WhatYouWearing · 17/01/2026 17:21

ForTipsyFinch · 17/01/2026 16:23

Why do you think you overreacted?

Although it does sound like nothing was organised, his behaviour now sounds ridiculous. Why don’t you take yourself out with a friend?

Overreacted? They haven’t been out together since 2024!! Hardly an overreaction.

longtompot · 17/01/2026 17:21

Iknowdino · 17/01/2026 17:14

He would never accept that!! It would give him a heart attack to eat different things! I have tried to suggest going out while the kids are at home but it's all met with a no.

Show quote history

Seriously! He is really ok with you and dd just eating rice from the Chinese takeaway, rather than you ordering Indian and he orders his usual dinner?
The more you write about him, the less I like him. Added to what you said about almost leaving him in 2019, and him saying he would do something like counselling about it, and then since then, he has done nothing.

Uhghg · 17/01/2026 17:21

Iknowdino · 17/01/2026 17:09

It wasn't dramatic it was matter of fact. I said if he wasn't bothered about going out we would stay in. I have been very clear about wanting to go out and when he has said about staying in I have said no and why throughout the week. I don't think it is too much to ask for some minor enthusiasm when he knew it was what I wanted. And maybe I am pissed off about it but wouldn't you be too? He has clearly just shown me that he isn't interested in what I want or doing anything that isn't exactly what he wants.

Show quote history

But you weren’t enthusiastic about his plans either?

He didn’t really want to go out and had been honest about that.
But you didn’t want to stay in and you’ve been honest about that too.

You both wanted to do different things and one of you was bound to be less enthusiastic than the other one.

If you then said let’s not go out and decided to stay in - would you not be annoyed if he said you weren’t enthusiastic enough about staying in?

I just feel this is a mountain out of a molehill and I appreciate that’s probably because there are so many issues in your relationship.
But it didn’t need to be this stressful.

You were the one who wanted to go out and he unenthusiastically agreed.
Don’t ruin your own evening by starting an argument or saying you don’t want to go out anymore.

He rang you to see what the plan was and as it was you that wanted to go out I would have said “I really want to go to this Greek restaurant. Is that ok with you?” and he’d likely have gone along with it.

If he’d refused or been sulky at the restaurant my opinion would be the total opposite but I feel like you handled things poorly and it’s led to both of you feeling stressed out.

lessglittermoremud · 17/01/2026 17:21

Iknowdino · 17/01/2026 16:34

It's not sex, we have sex 2-3 times a week. The only connection we have is sex. I only get a cuddle if he is grabbing my boobs or bum. I have told him so many times that it's not ok to just start feeling me up without even so much as a hello, how was your day. I'm just a housemaid he can have sex with.

Show quote history

I think that’s more of an issue that not agreeing on staying in/going out.
He doesn’t want to spend time with you unless he’s pawing at you…. Sounds like a charmer!
If I said to my DH I wanted to go out for tea on an evening that was child free, he would say book a table somewhere not just ignore my preference.

Blueskies77 · 17/01/2026 17:22

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 17/01/2026 16:59

There’s nothing wrong with OP’s communication, this isn’t a communication issue, FFS!

This is a man refusing to agree to anything except what he wants- a Chinese and a shag. That’s literally all he wants so he doesn’t agree to anything except of her suggestions. That’s literally OP can’t eat Chinese is apparently irrelevant- he wants a marathon sex session as his kids are out, and a Chinese. Why bother taking his wife bangmaid somewhere she wants to go? No point, no need.

100% agree!

user2848502016 · 17/01/2026 17:22

He sounds quite self centred- why would he want Chinese takeaway when he knows you can’t eat it?
Sounds like you’re leaving all the decisions up to him, is there a reason for that? Why can’t you do what you want sometimes?

”Can’t cook” is a shit excuse for an adult too, anyone can bung an M&S dine in meal in the oven and put it on a plate!

I’d go out by myself and leave him to it

Anyahyacinth · 17/01/2026 17:23

user2848502016 · 17/01/2026 17:22

He sounds quite self centred- why would he want Chinese takeaway when he knows you can’t eat it?
Sounds like you’re leaving all the decisions up to him, is there a reason for that? Why can’t you do what you want sometimes?

”Can’t cook” is a shit excuse for an adult too, anyone can bung an M&S dine in meal in the oven and put it on a plate!

I’d go out by myself and leave him to it

She is 🇬🇷♥️

CharlotteLightandDark · 17/01/2026 17:23

surely he can’t prevent you from ordering your own takeaway though? You don’t have to just go along with his preferences, what’s the worst he can do?

also do you make plans with your friends as much as he does? You totally should be!

glad you booked a table, leave him at home if hes sulking, eating out alone is fine!

lessglittermoremud · 17/01/2026 17:23

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 17/01/2026 16:59

There’s nothing wrong with OP’s communication, this isn’t a communication issue, FFS!

This is a man refusing to agree to anything except what he wants- a Chinese and a shag. That’s literally all he wants so he doesn’t agree to anything except of her suggestions. That’s literally OP can’t eat Chinese is apparently irrelevant- he wants a marathon sex session as his kids are out, and a Chinese. Why bother taking his wife bangmaid somewhere she wants to go? No point, no need.

Exactly

TheLadyWithoutTheLamp · 17/01/2026 17:24

@Uhghg the man is a flipping sex pest

Fgs stop sticking up for him! Where's your solidarity?

Edit - also he's incredibly sulky and childish

RandomMess · 17/01/2026 17:25

He basically can’t be arsed to be a decent partner to you can he.

Original poster
Iknowdino · 17/01/2026 17:25

Uhghg · 17/01/2026 17:21

But you weren’t enthusiastic about his plans either?

He didn’t really want to go out and had been honest about that.
But you didn’t want to stay in and you’ve been honest about that too.

You both wanted to do different things and one of you was bound to be less enthusiastic than the other one.

If you then said let’s not go out and decided to stay in - would you not be annoyed if he said you weren’t enthusiastic enough about staying in?

I just feel this is a mountain out of a molehill and I appreciate that’s probably because there are so many issues in your relationship.
But it didn’t need to be this stressful.

You were the one who wanted to go out and he unenthusiastically agreed.
Don’t ruin your own evening by starting an argument or saying you don’t want to go out anymore.

He rang you to see what the plan was and as it was you that wanted to go out I would have said “I really want to go to this Greek restaurant. Is that ok with you?” and he’d likely have gone along with it.

If he’d refused or been sulky at the restaurant my opinion would be the total opposite but I feel like you handled things poorly and it’s led to both of you feeling stressed out.

Show quote history

He wasn't honest though. If he had said I really want to stay in with you and have a nice edging with the house to ourselves, relax, have a cuddle and some sex. I'd have been happy. It's about the "I'm not bothered" comment. You can make effort and stay in but he hasn't done that either!!! I'm crying out for some effort from him and have said on so many occasions and I get nothing. He knows I've booked a table and he has fallen asleep!!!!

OP posts:
Anyahyacinth · 17/01/2026 17:25

Uhghg · 17/01/2026 17:21

But you weren’t enthusiastic about his plans either?

He didn’t really want to go out and had been honest about that.
But you didn’t want to stay in and you’ve been honest about that too.

You both wanted to do different things and one of you was bound to be less enthusiastic than the other one.

If you then said let’s not go out and decided to stay in - would you not be annoyed if he said you weren’t enthusiastic enough about staying in?

I just feel this is a mountain out of a molehill and I appreciate that’s probably because there are so many issues in your relationship.
But it didn’t need to be this stressful.

You were the one who wanted to go out and he unenthusiastically agreed.
Don’t ruin your own evening by starting an argument or saying you don’t want to go out anymore.

He rang you to see what the plan was and as it was you that wanted to go out I would have said “I really want to go to this Greek restaurant. Is that ok with you?” and he’d likely have gone along with it.

If he’d refused or been sulky at the restaurant my opinion would be the total opposite but I feel like you handled things poorly and it’s led to both of you feeling stressed out.

Show quote history

You have to read and understand that staying in would be WORK for OP

It's really not difficult to understand

CherryBlossom321 · 17/01/2026 17:27

Iknowdino · 17/01/2026 16:30

Yes it's been something we have been discussing since 2019! I tell him I need more and he dismisses it. I told him after many discussions in July I wanted to leave the relationship and he begged me not to, saying we would do more and go to counselling but he hasn't sorted anything. And I brought it up in October and still nothing.

Show quote history

Sounds like this problem isn’t going to be resolved. Time to move forward and take your life back.

diddl · 17/01/2026 17:28

If you go out alone Op, what will his mood be like when you get back?

I don't understand the food thing?

thecomedyofterrors · 17/01/2026 17:29

Go out! Yourself! Have a lovely meal. Maybe cinema after? No sex and a good night sleep. You’ll love it.

NewGoldFox · 17/01/2026 17:29

Free yourself ✌🏻
He sounds like a selfish cunt.

HollyhockDays · 17/01/2026 17:31

It sounds like you are both expressing what you want but not resolving the issue.

When he said he wasn’t fussed you should have said “well I am and I’ve booked x restaurant for 7.00”

Original poster
Iknowdino · 17/01/2026 17:32

Uhghg · 17/01/2026 17:21

But you weren’t enthusiastic about his plans either?

He didn’t really want to go out and had been honest about that.
But you didn’t want to stay in and you’ve been honest about that too.

You both wanted to do different things and one of you was bound to be less enthusiastic than the other one.

If you then said let’s not go out and decided to stay in - would you not be annoyed if he said you weren’t enthusiastic enough about staying in?

I just feel this is a mountain out of a molehill and I appreciate that’s probably because there are so many issues in your relationship.
But it didn’t need to be this stressful.

You were the one who wanted to go out and he unenthusiastically agreed.
Don’t ruin your own evening by starting an argument or saying you don’t want to go out anymore.

He rang you to see what the plan was and as it was you that wanted to go out I would have said “I really want to go to this Greek restaurant. Is that ok with you?” and he’d likely have gone along with it.

If he’d refused or been sulky at the restaurant my opinion would be the total opposite but I feel like you handled things poorly and it’s led to both of you feeling stressed out.

Show quote history

He will expect I high level of enthusiasm from me when we get home and he wants sex!!

Maybe I can't be bothered to dress up and put make up on. Maybe I can't be bothered to fuck him all night. Pretty sure he would throw his toys out the pram at that!!!!

OP posts:
PrizedPickledPopcorn · 17/01/2026 17:32

You must go out. He isn’t ever going to consider you and put effort in if he gets away with this.

He could have suggested an M&S dine in for two, if he was prepared to make a minimal effort, but he hasn’t even done that. He wants food she can’t eat and a shag and has no interest in compromise. Selfish fucker. Find your anger, OP!

WallaceinAnderland · 17/01/2026 17:32

OP why is your bar so low?

SereneGoose · 17/01/2026 17:33

Can you go out without DH? I would. Have a good time ...no need for him to be part of your party.

BadgernTheGarden · 17/01/2026 17:34

From what I can tell he said he wasn't bothered about going out which was his position all of the time, you should have booked something so it was positively decided. Is it too late now to say I booked xyz at 7:30.

EquinoxQueen · 17/01/2026 17:39

Well he has given me the ick and I don’t even know him.

what I would say is he is very manipulative, the reason he has the huff is he wanted you to validate the ‘I’m not bothered comment.’ And you haven’t. He wanted a compliant ‘ahhh ok let’s just stay in and get a take away…’ one that you can’t eat.

given your previous thoughts about leaving and his lack of effort to improve the situation, it seems as if he try’s to through you crumbs but doesn’t follow through. I’d suggest this is the cherry on the cake and you need to have a think about your future with man. He wants sex but doesn’t want to go out with you but heads out with friends more than once a week… and you clean and tidy and dress nicely because that’s what he likes. Is he from the 50’s? I’m sure you’d want more than this for your child if she is a daughter.

ithinkilikethislittlelife · 17/01/2026 17:40

I really hope you are getting ready to go out and he’s got over his sulk and has apologised and is getting ready to have a lovely evening with you. Evenings without the kids and a chance to talk as grown ups together is so important, a chance to look at each other properly.

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