Have I spoilt the evening?

[Iknowdino]

So husband and I rarely do anything together just us 2. We went to a concert he booked back in November but he only took me after asking a few mates and not finding anyone that would go, definitely not my kind of thing. Previously can't think of when we last did something just us 2 probably 2024 for my birthday. We do lots together with DDS as a family though. Don't even sit in together and watch a film or anything as DDS are teens and always around.

Got a rare night to night as they are both off on a sleepover. Dh has been asking what I want to do all week. Mostly saying how much sex we are going to have. I said I wanted to go out for tea as we havent in ages. He has made comments twice in the week about staying in and getting a take away and about getting something nice in to cook. Both times I have explained I don't want to do this. He will want a Chinese takeway which is crap for me as I am gluten free and no Chinese takeaways around here cater for gf. I explained I don't want to cook as I want a night off from cooking and cleaning and he doesn't cook so would fall to me to buy and cook the meal even if we share cleaning off.

Tonight is the night of the sleepover. He arranged to go out all day and had called me on the way home to ask what I want to do tonight. I said I thought we were going out. His response was, "we don't have to go out, I'm not bothered". This has really upset me and I was pissed off. I said "well if you're not bothered let's not go out" and now he is in a foul mood and not speaking to me saying I've ruined the night. Have I over reacted?? I'm not raging or in a huff it just upset me that he clearly doesn't want to go out and I was stupidly looking forward to it. I just feel like he is intentionally sabotaging it, trying to upset me then telling me I'm the reason we can't go out! Or maybe he doesn't want to be seen out in public with me??

Why didn't you just say 'well I thought the plan was to go out? I was looking forward to it. It'll be fun. Let's go to xyz favourite place.'

I wouldn't just cancel the whole thing. It feels like maybe the mood wasn't quite right. The build up to it seemed good but then the moment wasn't there?

I don't know. You should both try and just arrange another date night.

Women are socialised to accept poor behaviour from men...there are plenty of books to read to get yourself up to speed.

Women are also taught it is their role to hold the family together

That love is endurance. Huge numbers of experts, books and women to explain this if you need that extra support to understand

Your marriage is over.

Please go out, on your own if you need to. Go have a glass of wine, eat something yummy and go back to bed.
please please do what you need to do, he might join but go anyway!

Tbh, I’d have gone out with friends, before he got home, and left a takeaway menu on the table. But then, I’m single and loving the fact that I can do what I want, when I want, without having to choose between someone constantly bashing and criticising me, or asking “how high?” when they told me to jump.

OP booked the Greek restaurant for 6pm 🇬🇷♥️

Thank you.

Hopefully he will be good company for OP on their rare night out.

Hi op I hope you have gone out and I would definitely be saying no to sex and if he grumbles just say you spoilt my evening ignoring my needs and wants and then falling asleep so I really can’t be arsed with sex you have your hands use them. Op don’t back down he’s a selfish cunt. He went out knowing he had no intention of going out with you. You need to tell him your life isn’t making you happy and family days are not enough you want date nights and now dc are older there is no excuses you manage to go out with other people.

This would piss me off no end.
I had one like this OP. They don’t change. You’re going to spend your life begging for one on one time and simple every day things such as going for lunch together become a “once every few months treat”. Yuck. Like fuck I would live like that!

life is too short to be having to ponder and look forward to a fucking evening meal together

Oh and the sex - tell him you can’t think of anything more repulsive than being mounted by a lazy slob who makes no effort.

No you haven't spoilt anything.If he cared about your feelings he would make some effort.
Time for a conversation me thinks .. or this is what will always happen.
Tell him you want the spark back in things if he wants sex.. tell him to make you feel like you want sex with him.
Selfish arse !!

He would never accept that!! It would give him a heart attack to eat different things!

That could solve your problems!

Seriously what would he do if you ordered chinese for him and indian for you? What could he do? Say "but I wanted to punish you by making you eat nothing but plain boiled rice and now you've spoilt my fun!"

Life's too short OP. You were right back a few months ago when you told him you wanted out.

do you mind me asking if this was the biggest issue in your relationship Op becasue I have been living with soemthing similar for a very long time

why do you say that? im questioning myself here becasue this would be a tiny teeny bad bit of my relationship and happened frequently

If you've been discussing it since 2019 and nothing's changed, what are you still doing in the relationship? Genuine question.

Oh, FFS. You haven't ruined anything and he is the one being odd, although in your place I would probably have locked down a time and place to go before today. I don't know why you said "let's not go out" when he backslid again; you know going out wasn't his first choice but the two of you agreed and of course you should go. If he really felt strongly about staying in he shouldn't have agreed to go out; he should have pushed back harder in the first place instead of mucking your round. You'll know best, but just from what you've said here it sounds like he's trying to wear down your resistance by dragging his feet whenever the two of you are on track to do what you want. That's miserable, but all you can do at this stage is be completely firm with him.

So @Iknowdino are you really just sitting there whilst he sleeps? Can you not go out?

I really hope you are out now and enjoying your evening! Hope it also spurs you on to realise that you deserve more than what your dh is able to offer in your relationship. Use this as a time to have a rethink of what you want your future to look like and what example you want to set your dc about healthy relationships.

Lastly, tomorrow night order you and your dc takeaway for tea from 3 separate takeaways and make sure none of them is Chinese!

Oh and before your brain starts telling you that he’s a good dad and you would be the one breaking up your family - this is not true. Your H has had nearly 6 years of fake future promising you so he will be the one breaking up your family. He’s not a good day if he treats his dc mum as a maid who services him but isn’t allowed to order an Indian.

Hopefully she is sitting at a nice table in the Greek restaurant eating and drinking whatever she wants without anybody telling her she can’t.

Well it sounds like he can expect to be met with a “no, I can’t be bothered” next time he asks you to do one of the many things that make his world run smoothly, then. Make it really clear that if he can’t be bothered to acknowledge what you want/need and try to make it happen, you’re not going to reciprocate.

Its so obvious op, he wants to do as little as possible and enjoy shagging all night and your idea of going out means he now has to put effort in to get his leg over.

You can imagine it now, as soon as hes finished stuffing his spring roll into his face he'd be wiggling his eyebrows and suggesting an early night like a randy, sad little teenager.

Instant hymen restoration complete 🤢

Enjoy your meal. Make sure youre far too tired and tipsy to service him when you get home. Wanker.

Does this reflect your personalities in general - eg he’d always rather stay in and you’d always rather go out? In which case I think you’ve both been trying to stare each other down to get what you want - which is why a compromise or firm plan should have been made earlier.

But If he’s usually very outgoing and likes being out with his mates then he’s just being a selfish arse.

He did it on purpose - he knew full well you wanted to go out and that you’d be frustrated when he pretended he’d forgot. Then he could blame your frustration on you being an unreasonable bitch and use it as an excuse to go into a mantrum and not go out.

So he got to go out all day with his mates and now has got his own way about the evening too.

I couldn’t be with a selfish twat like this.

Op says he has already been out twice in the evening this week with friends and is proactive about making arrangements to see them. It’s just his wife he can’t be bothered to go out with - or indeed even his own dc for a family meal

Why can't you order 2 different takeaways?