Have I spoilt the evening?

[Iknowdino]

So husband and I rarely do anything together just us 2. We went to a concert he booked back in November but he only took me after asking a few mates and not finding anyone that would go, definitely not my kind of thing. Previously can't think of when we last did something just us 2 probably 2024 for my birthday. We do lots together with DDS as a family though. Don't even sit in together and watch a film or anything as DDS are teens and always around.

Got a rare night to night as they are both off on a sleepover. Dh has been asking what I want to do all week. Mostly saying how much sex we are going to have. I said I wanted to go out for tea as we havent in ages. He has made comments twice in the week about staying in and getting a take away and about getting something nice in to cook. Both times I have explained I don't want to do this. He will want a Chinese takeway which is crap for me as I am gluten free and no Chinese takeaways around here cater for gf. I explained I don't want to cook as I want a night off from cooking and cleaning and he doesn't cook so would fall to me to buy and cook the meal even if we share cleaning off.

Tonight is the night of the sleepover. He arranged to go out all day and had called me on the way home to ask what I want to do tonight. I said I thought we were going out. His response was, "we don't have to go out, I'm not bothered". This has really upset me and I was pissed off. I said "well if you're not bothered let's not go out" and now he is in a foul mood and not speaking to me saying I've ruined the night. Have I over reacted?? I'm not raging or in a huff it just upset me that he clearly doesn't want to go out and I was stupidly looking forward to it. I just feel like he is intentionally sabotaging it, trying to upset me then telling me I'm the reason we can't go out! Or maybe he doesn't want to be seen out in public with me??

Omg no sweetie please leave. He's a piece of shit. Revolting. Thats not love, thats objectifying you and treating you like a sex doll. Fuck him please leave him. Do you have a job?

Maybe you can start with some secret therapy? get yourself stronger. please dont let him waste you life, we only get one chance at one. Live yours

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I already feel so heartbroken about the time I have wasted on him and I know I'd be much better off. I just don't know what's keeping me here. I feel like maybe having something tangible would help as I convince myself it's all in my head and I'm rocking the boat over nothing??

Yes, I have a decent job and could more than manage on my own. It's so stupid. There are women that would love to be in my position so they could leave and yet here I am!!

That quote women will do anything but leave has really stuck with me!!

Why are you punishing yourself? Has he made you feel that this is all you deserve?

I feel like maybe having something tangible would help as I convince myself it's all in my head and I'm rocking the boat over nothing??

Well he's a sex pest to start, expects you to look/dress a certain way, doesn't let you eat the food you would like...

I get it. Really. But if you could manage practically speaking that's brilliant and a step in the right direction.

Next up, remember you don't need to explain yourself. He'll tie you in knots and you'll convince yourself you're being unreasonable. You're not!!! Practice one or two things, really short, and repeat only those. They pounce if they see weakness but if you're utterly adamant from the word go and just grey rock the rest of the time they eventually understand you mean it.

Perhaps start making plans he won't know about yet. Look into where to live etc. Start trying it on in your head. But the not really believing it's "bad enough" to leave is a BIG symptom of abusive relationships, the effect it has is so insidious. You don't have to believe it 100% of the time. You can recognise when you wobble, name it to yourself ("ah, there it is again. It'll pass as it's a feeling and I know for certain I'm doing the right thing"). Etc.

Get a trained abuse counsellor for yourself (and read the books). It'll all empower you. He has weakened you but you're still in there and you know in your heart you have to get away. Set a mental date in future if you like then work towards that and only let him know once all is completely sorted.

My then 16 yr old daughter when I eventually told exh I was leaving said v seriously "Promise me you'll never go back, Mum. You'd be punished for the rest of your life". She was right. I never would have anyway but that spoke volumes.

Something tangible???

What, like your husband refusing to speak to you because you were wearing tights and didn't look "sexy" enough for him?!?!

Come on OP.....

Dear God, you need to get rid of this bloke. He doesn't see you as a person at all, does he?

I know and I get that it seems that way but he is so very convincing. I think oh it's not right I have to look sexy for him all the time, then I bring it up and he tells me that it's only right that he finds me sexy, means he loves me, that we are so much better than everyone else because we aren't like those other couples that aren't constantly at it. That we love each other so much more. That I'm better than any other wife because I want to look good for him. And then I believe it and think how stupid I was to think otherwise..... And what he says just makes sense. Then I just think it's me being difficult.

How about having a partner that just fancies you rotten and would like to have sex with you daily regardless of what you wear/ how you look?

Why do you have to get dressed up for him to be attracted to you?

it's only right that he finds me sexy, means he loves me,

If I've understood though, he doesn't find you sexy-unless you look/dress a certain way?

So he doesn't love or even fancy you unless you dress to his preference
And he can't even be bothered to take you out unless you insist

it's only right that he finds me sexy, means he loves me, that we are so much better than everyone else because we aren't like those other couples that aren't constantly at it. That we love each other so much more. That I'm better than any other wife because I want to look good for him.

That's not convincing though is it?

He should find you sexy because he loves you.

Even couples that aren't "constantly at it" can love each other!

Especially if it means that no one is being coerced into sex that they don't want!

He tells me that it's only right that he finds me sexy, means he loves me, that we are so much better than everyone else because we aren't like those other couples that aren't constantly at it. That we love each other so much more.

Without wanting to sound harsh (or smug), my DH fancies me / finds me sexy whether I'm dressed up to gout, in my pyjamas or just got out of bed with my hair a state and wearing a pair of joggers and a hoody...

Your husband only fancies you if you look a certain way 😐How is that in any way a positive thing?!

Dear Lord it gets worse. I hope you read all this back @Iknowdino and LTB.

What do you think would happen if, God forbid, you got ill?

He doesn’t see you as a person you know? He is one of these men who sees women as commodities. He is possibly a narcissist. The see their wife & kids as extensions of them and it’s all about the facade. If you step out of line he’ll let you know he’s very disappointed in you. I bet he does it with your dcs too.

A lot of things shouting out textbook narc to me about this man. Does everyone on the outside think he’s wonderful, charming etc? Does he drop everything to help others whilst you get the bare minimum?

You are an object to him. They’re incapable of love bc they’re empty inside, it’s not that he doesn’t love you - it’s that he can’t. They’re damaged people, it’s a personality disorder.

Whatbyou need to focus on is how all this is making you feel and whether that’s how you want to feel for the rest of your life? Is the, say, 20% of the time he’s good to you worth the other 80% and the feeling of walking on eggshells or always being on pins waiting for an attack or a grope?

You need to imagine how nice it would be to be free, if that’s what you really want.

It sounds like you have a very toxic bond with this man which is caused by your lack of self esteem. You know he’s abusive but you’re questioning everything and second guessing yourself.

Is it really worth the price you’re paying just to be part of a couple?

Op what was his upbringing like ?.

who Care What his upbringing was like!!?! Does not matter at all!

He sounds abusive, controlling, manipulative and narcissistic. You sound like you are deeply unhappy and I think you could do so much better.

I have wondered if he could be a narcissist but it's thrown around so easily these days so didn't want to think he is something that he's not. He definitely sees me and the kids as extensions of him and the things we have as his worth. I do worry about getting older or ill as I know I'd have no support. Once I got really ill with strep and he wasn't happy. Wouldn't even go into the chemist to get my meds, I had to go in and collapsed on the floor while waiting. His comments when I really hurt my ankle, thought it might have been broken were "as long as you can stand up long enough to make the tea"!

That was my ex husband, as much use as a chocolate teapot. I couldn't trust him with my debit card, I had to send my DD (13 at the time) instead. He couldn't do the shopping - even with a list, DD said that 'he just stood there as if everything would jump into the trolley by itself' & I was expected to cook a nice tea standing on one leg (I had a broken ankle). I also realised that I was paying all the bills (I already knew that but it dawned on me that I didn't need him at all.).
Dear reader - I chucked him out!

Op he’s a fucking charmer no wonder you can’t walk away. Omg what a vile man. God help you if you gain weight or don’t carry on looking sexy.

So I've got a bit of further information, I said I was looking for some solid proof (even though I know I didn't need it). Well I've found it. So I'm definitely going to be leaving and have come up with a decent plan. He is away this week, so please lovely mumsnetters- what do I need to get my "ducks in a row" this week would be a fab opportunity to gather as much as I can. Thanks

I've always wondered how I find my anger as I'm told to, and I just couldn't. But feeling a bubble of it now, so need to ride with it!