DH threw toy at me & it hit our baby

[Mayday85]

Title says it all. I’m in shock. My cozy, safe family has collapsed.

I blame myself partly, or maybe fully. I don’t know. We’ve been struggling with our baby at night. He barely sleeps and will cry loudly, waking our 2 year old. He’s got reflux poor thing. We have to rock him vigorously to calm him, for most of the night. Tonight he was screaming and I snapped at something DH said. I told him to F off twice. He threw one of those plastic eggs at me but it hit our baby on the head.

My worlds collapsed. He’s an amazing dad and everything he does is for our family. But I can’t be with him anymore can I?

We aren’t usually argumentative. We don’t row much and don’t swear at each other. I know we both sound awful reading this back, but we’re good people. Calm and happy parents.

I live away from friends and family. I can’t talk to anyone about this. What do I do? Please be kind. I’m not usually someone who would swear like that. I’m ill and tired and overwhelmed.

Lack of sleep is horrendous and turns us into horrible people. Most people would be pissed off if they hadn’t sleep and someone told them to fuck off twice. Most people would be concerned about someone throwing something to express their anger and it inadvertently hitting their child.

For a one off, caused by lack of sleep and verbal provocation, I wouldn’t say I couldn’t be with him anymore. Or do you think he’s the one that wants to end things with you because of your behaviour?

‘We aren’t usually argumentative. We don’t row much and don’t swear at each other. I know we both sound awful reading this back, but we’re good people. Calm and happy parents.’
Well now, I think this is completely believable because I know what a fiend I can be when tired to the extent that you are at the moment. It’s unbelievable how it changes a person, this extreme tiredness.

Maybe I’ll be shot down for this, but I don’t think this would be the end for me. I’d insist on DH going for therapy to control his anger, physical outbursts are absolutely never acceptable, but I’d perhaps be inclined to accept that sleep deprivation is a torture method for a reason. His reaction to this would definitely count for a lot.

I am truly sorry you’re finding this stage of life to be so gruelling. Better times ahead, I hope.

What did your DH say when he saw what he had done?

Do you feel that you and your children are safe?

I’m going to add my voice to those saying don’t be hasty if this is out of character.

No one is perfect. No one reacts perfectly to everything all of the time. The world is not black and white. And sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

Agree with the previous posters here.

There’s a reason sleep deprivation was used as a form of torture.

What was his immediate reaction after the egg hit your baby?

Sounds like you both need some sleep, then you’ll be able to think clearly about whether this is indicative of really worrying behaviour or just two tired people. Right now, you urgently need a sleep plan. Any relatives could call for some babysitting whilst you both sleep?

It's not your fault or his really. When things calm down you will see that it was fatigue and frustration on both your parts. Say sorry and let it go for now. I'd say same thing to your husband if he asked. You both need to acknowledge how hard it is to be yourselves at the moment. Get rested as much as possible. Sending strength

I think it's important to consider how he reacted after it happened?

i think you are overreacting. You told him to fuck off and he threw a plastic egg at you? I mean it’s not ideal but it’s not marriage ending.

I think you need to speak to your health visitor. What stood out is that you have to rock him “vigorously” - this is a strange description to use. How vigorously & what age is the baby? If you cannot cope, you need to put him safely in his cot and leave the room for a few minutes. Sounds to me like tempers are fraying on both sides, and it is a hard time. You need a rota so you both get a break and some sleep.

I agree with this.
Apologise to each other, acknowledge you were both in the wrong and move on.

You both need some rest. This isn't the end of the world. Could you take it in turns for a couple of hours so you can both have a couple of hours sleep?

Loads of babies need vigorous rocking!

How did DH react? I'm inclined to agree with other posters. Sleep deprivation is awful. And he threw something that couldn't have properly hurt you...I'm not saying it makes it okay but it changes the intention somewhat. If it's out of character like you say, don't be hasty. But find whatever solutions you need to find to get you both through this hard period.

Firstly

Does your baby have allergies... my ds was a bit like this and had cmpa. Do get him checked there is also medication available to reduce reflux.

This is bringing back memories of the vomit the permanent smells and the vom...

In our house when we had a 22m old and newborn it was fucking chaos.
My dh and I were at breakpoint and both def did things we regret due to sleep deprivation and being on our last good nerve.

Only you know if your dh has a mean streak and has abusive tendencies OR it a regular human who lost it and this isnt in character.

The first 12m of our youngest life was a WILD ride and we had to learn to give grace and pull together in some pretty stressful / testing situations and sometimes we didnt... we just had to grimly and miserably trudged onward alone as the only way out was through...

I also wasnt fully myself until 6m or so pp

My first was also a reflux cmpa round the clock constant puker. He would sleep for 45 minutes, scream and puke for 2 hours, then sleep for 45 minutes. All night. For many months. Me and dh almost broke up too, it was fucking horrible, living on your last nerve on no sleep, and snapping and over reacting to each other.

Was he devastated to have hit the baby? This would be the key for me.

I’d expect him to be contrite as fuck though. To be fair you should be as well. I’d be as gutted if my husband told me to fuck off as if he threw a plastic egg at me.

You both need to apologise sincerely to each other, acknowledge the situation you are in, and cut each other a bit of slack.

I need my sleep, and I know what I can be like with a lack of it, nothing worrying but I don’t like the way it can turn me.

I think what’s needed here, is for the two of you to sit down and have an honest chat and accept how hard it is for both of you and try and find a way to make sure you are both getting more sleep.

Throwing the toy is terrible behaviour, worse than telling someone to fuck off (which is also unacceptable).

But as a one off, it's not really LTB territory. Don't catastrophise.

A lot will depend on your DH's reaction, and whether he has ever been aggressive or 'accidentally' hurt you before.

Never underestimate how awful sleep deprivation is.
Has he ever been remotely violent or aggressive before with you or the DC?
Has he apologised?
If you truly feel like it was a one off and an accident that he hit the baby I wouldn’t automatically end a marriage over a one off lapse of judgment.

You should make plans for you both to get more sleep though, can you each take a night or two “off” a week and sleep in a different room?

Agree. Way out of proportion.
You're both struggling wasn't ideal but huge overreaction to even post let alone leave over.
If my husband had done that I'd have tossed it back or said fuck off again probably 🤷‍♀️

Get a grip. You are both sleep deprived and beyond grumpy. It was one time. If it happens again you have an issue.

That's not to say you let it slide - but it is not the end of all things.

My little one is 4 now but I remember those sleepless nights and the bitter words and arguments with my husband. It feels like a fever dream now. We called each other names we had never used before or since. It’s not an excuse but sleep deprivation and stress will bring out the worst in anyone. I hope your husband feels bad about what he has done but so should you. Could either of your mums come over to stay for a couple of days while you get some sleep? I would also recommend getting in contact with your health visitor. Having a baby is hard. Use the help you have around you. There is no medal at the end for struggling through.

Sleep deprivation drives you out of your mind. When my first was born he woke every 2 hours, every single night. We were on our knees.

Be kind to yourselves and each other.

Yes of course swearing and throwing things are absolutely unacceptable but they may be forgiveable. What has he said about it? Is he upset with himself or is he defensive? If he is contrived that is better than if he is attempting to blame you, for example.

Most important is finding a way to sleep. In turns perhaps? Sort the sleep first. You can't think clearly when you are dangerously exhausted.