DH threw toy at me & it hit our baby

[Mayday85]

Title says it all. I’m in shock. My cozy, safe family has collapsed.

I blame myself partly, or maybe fully. I don’t know. We’ve been struggling with our baby at night. He barely sleeps and will cry loudly, waking our 2 year old. He’s got reflux poor thing. We have to rock him vigorously to calm him, for most of the night. Tonight he was screaming and I snapped at something DH said. I told him to F off twice. He threw one of those plastic eggs at me but it hit our baby on the head.

My worlds collapsed. He’s an amazing dad and everything he does is for our family. But I can’t be with him anymore can I?

We aren’t usually argumentative. We don’t row much and don’t swear at each other. I know we both sound awful reading this back, but we’re good people. Calm and happy parents.

I live away from friends and family. I can’t talk to anyone about this. What do I do? Please be kind. I’m not usually someone who would swear like that. I’m ill and tired and overwhelmed.

Some really lovely responses. Thank you. I wasn’t expecting so much kindness and am so grateful.

We’ve chatted this morning. He’s still incredibly remorseful and said he wasn’t wanting to hurt me, he was tidying at the time and threw it not with intent to hurt me. I believe this. I am also incredibly remorseful. Today we’re both sad but will move on from it.

Plan going forward is both of us going to my parents house, which is large enough for us all and they can support and we can get sleep.

Those sharing their experiences of their babies, I’m reading them all and will take on board the advice. I’ve suspected allergies and tongue tie, but been dismissed. I need to push harder for a resolution, but also accept there might not be one!

We’ll ride it out and learn from this. We’ve both crossed a line and don’t want to do it ever again. Like I said before, we’re both very calm people normally and don’t shout or swear at each other. We will learn from this. Thank you everyone again

You have a sick child like this and close zero sleep (catch up naps are a drop in an ocean) for months on end. GERD which is what your child clearly has is nothing like baby reflux that most readers will be thinking of. I have experience of this and ours was part of a wider set of health needs. It’s nothing at all like normal newborn sleep deprivation, like nothing at all. I and my partner have been so sleep deprived at times we have been hallucinating and suicidal.

My advice is - 1) get all the medical help you can/need and don’t stop fighting for this 2) consider allergies (non IgE or IgE) and work out whether wheat or dairy or egg makes things worse - nothin got better till we’d excluded those 3) Take every offer of help you can get, and pay for anything you can afford - a cleaner, a babysitter to watch them in the house whilst you sleep 4) Be kind to yourself and your husband - this is literally what they do to torture prisoners because sleep deprivation can send you mad.

Ps (5) most parents will have no clue and the reality is that the advice you get from them is useless xx

Oh and (6) calpol is your friend - acid burning your oesophagus is painful xx

Reflux is horrendous and your bsbys sounds worse than mine. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I really don’t think your husbands actions should be jump to LTB. youre both having a really tough time right now. If you can get more help, throw money at the problem whether it’s household help or childcare so you can both get more sleep, R&R so you can function better. 💐

You’re going to be just fine, it was a silly mistake which you’ve both learnt from.

Sometimes things have to come to a head to make you make some changes, like going to your parents.

Don’t be sad tomorrow, it’s a new day.

There's a reason sleep deprivation is used as a torture technique. When you've also got the stresses and strains of an existing active toddler and then a baby who won't sleep because of not being well, you also add in helplessness and guilt that the anger at no sleep is not helping. Then a tired toddler waking and work and house work and bills... Yeah. This wouldn't necessarily be the end for me depending on how he was when he went forward.

From what you've said he sounds like it shook him and it genuinley was because of the sleep deprivation.

The case is how to follow it up now. Is there anyone who can stay and let you get some sleep during the day? Or take toddler and little one for a whole to let you sleep even if during the day? Can you take turns this weekend and let the other stay in bed and tag team for a short while?

Change your milk too to dairy free - try goats milk formula for a start. If this doesn’t work ask for prescription formula for babies with milk protein allergies - that also includes breast milk so if you’re feeling him then you need to stop unfortunately. A lot of reflux is linked to milk protein allergy - not just cows milk but all milk. And a LOT of them also have issues with wheat and gluten and end up diagnosed with coeliac disease. Basic foods such as potato and more bland food - avoid all stone fruits as this aggravates reflux - and keep an eye out for other allergy symptoms when trialling food which does include vomiting and screaming and throwing themselves around in pain which I know reflux does too. Ask for domperidone to be prescribed alongside the losec too. The losec won’t work on its own it needs a combination of both drugs. I used a neurofen syringe to put the tablets in - the liquid will carry on making them worse due to the added ingredients - so put the tablet in the syringe, suck up the water into the syringe and slowly move it around and it will dissolve very quickly and then squirt down throat. Best way to get a tablet into babies:) the tablets have little balls in them which don’t dissolve in the water but do in the stomach - hence not leaving it too long in the syringe

I hope yous can get some well needed rest at your parents. Being a parent is tough especially with a reflux/colic baby.

Lack of sleep and a very stressful situation people are bound to snap. Hopefully it is a one off situation and after some rest, yous can get back on track.

Agree, shocked how many people think its understandable because he is sleep deprived. You are both, he crossed a line into physical lashing out.

As most have already said a lack of sleep is horrendous. My son used to cry like this after feeding and he also wouldn’t sleep without being held. It was the hardest thing in the world. The exhaustion is like nothing else. Me and my partner used to do shifts through the nights so that we could get through. Both of you being up isn’t healthy. Him throwing something isn’t great but give yourselves both a break.

My worlds collapsed. He’s an amazing dad and everything he does is for our family. But I can’t be with him anymore can I?

This is incredible hyperbole - it's a plastic egg not a rock, not a serious attempt to harm, done by someone in a high stress, low sleep, argument situation. this is not abuse. Yes of course you can stay with him if this is just it.

Agree with this.
way dramatic unless he injured the baby? It was an accident fueled by high expressed emotions on both sides annd lack of sleep. Unless he does stuff like this all the time?

Also wtf is a 😬 Tony egg ?

Really great decision to go to your parents and prioritise sleep. With the benefit of hindsight with a reflux (later found out also autistic) baby, we tried to carry on as if this was normal. But actually a serious lack of sleep is “emergency mode”. I wish we had called for help in the same way we would have done if our baby had been in hospital or one of us. It’s a “calling in external help” situation and neither of you should feel bad that you feel totally stretched beyond all limits. Forgive one another and keep asking for help. But also know that things will get easier in the long run. Wishing all the best OP.

OP I had to INSIST that my child’s doctor let us trial an amino acid milk. At first they made us trial a milk that works for some babies with CMPA but there was barely an improvement. The moment my child went on to Neocate I had an entirely different baby! No reflux, able to wean (dairy free), able to sleep, not crying all the time, pooping 1 time a day vs over 10, no more nappy rash, just all over calm and settled.

Id be booking a drs appt today! Read up on CMPA and go in armed with information and insist that your child be allowed to trial the milk. It was too hard trying to BF as dairy is in so many things and I realised my milk was making my child sicker each time I had an accidental exposure. The formula was life changing for him and us. If the dr won’t listen ask for a second opinion it’s honestly shocking they haven’t trialed him for a CMPA milk already but we have to be our child’s advocates. You shouldn’t have to live at your parents to cope, a lot of us wouldn’t have that option. Get baby the help he needs! Omeprazole is just a shitty cover up for an underlying issue and it can cause baby longer issues in the future: you need to get to the actual why of his symptoms.

First thing I thought when I read your post and replies was: “Yup. Been there (sleep deprived, at my wits end and DH the same” Then- I bet he has a milk intolerance (my 3rd DC had this and me and her going off all milk saved us.) Or tongue tie? DC also had this and luckily they grew out of it. It was hard and I only got support from La Leche League for both. Nurses and doctors etc were useless. Good luck.

I just wanted to say hang in there, things will get better. This is a very difficult stage but you will all get through it and come out better on the other side. Everything is magnified and made worse when you haven’t slept. You and DH are both doing your best at a very tricky time. You will get past this and come out stronger.

Glad is all worked out and great idea to go and stay with your parents and get some rest.

Typo from OP. She means Tomy.

Good news 😊

Hello OP. We’re really sorry you’re having such a hard time. As many of us know too well, looking after a baby who cries a lot and doesn’t sleep can be utterly exhausting, and it’s completely understandable if you’re feeling overwhelmed.

We often direct Mumsnetters in a similar situation to Cry-sis: https://www.cry-sis.org.uk/ - you might find it reassuring to give their helpline a call.

Very best wishes from MNHQ.

You are in shock. Your partner is in shock. You both reacted from extreme tiredness. You swore st him twice, he threw a plastic egg. Niy a reason tomconsider leaving an otherwise lving and caring husband.

I forgot to mention that along with the Omeprazole for my DS we also switched him to Alimentum formula which was very helpful. It is expensive but made for babies with reflux, colic and allergies. The proteins are broken down to digest easier. That meant a lot less throwing and spitting up. We had to start him on rice cereal early too and it helped. Our pediatrician was amazing trying to help us. Make sure you have a pediatrician that understands, listens and supports you and your baby. It does get better.

Tomy. It’s a very well-known baby toy if you had a baby in the last 10 years. And each egg weighs about 50 grams. You can google it.

It’s an important distinction because most people assumed it was a hollow plastic egg ie not weighing anything. Of course throwing one of those wouldn’t hurt.

But a 50g Tomy egg? Wouldn’t want one of those hitting me in the head.

Anyway I see OP has updated and has chatted to her partner.

I did google Tony egg. Nothing came up .

hence asking.