DH threw toy at me & it hit our baby

[Mayday85]

Title says it all. I’m in shock. My cozy, safe family has collapsed.

I blame myself partly, or maybe fully. I don’t know. We’ve been struggling with our baby at night. He barely sleeps and will cry loudly, waking our 2 year old. He’s got reflux poor thing. We have to rock him vigorously to calm him, for most of the night. Tonight he was screaming and I snapped at something DH said. I told him to F off twice. He threw one of those plastic eggs at me but it hit our baby on the head.

My worlds collapsed. He’s an amazing dad and everything he does is for our family. But I can’t be with him anymore can I?

We aren’t usually argumentative. We don’t row much and don’t swear at each other. I know we both sound awful reading this back, but we’re good people. Calm and happy parents.

I live away from friends and family. I can’t talk to anyone about this. What do I do? Please be kind. I’m not usually someone who would swear like that. I’m ill and tired and overwhelmed.

Yes, I know I behaved appallingly by swearing at him and have apologised to him several times. It’s not something I ever do and I feel incredibly guilty that I am the one who escalated this. I’m not normally like this.

You poor things. Don't be too hard on yourselves. It does get easier.

I feel for you, because this does sound really stressful. It’s good you’re under medical care, though, have they ruled out the less common possibilities like pyloric stenosis and eosinophilic oesophagitis?

Put down your phone and sleep as best you can. Honestly it's good advice. Sleep well. You can answer medical questions in the morning.

I say this as someone with medical conditions.

Oh op, I'm so sorry.
you're ok
the baby's ok
your husband is ok

i think you're right - nothing will be the same but you have to tell yourself what can we do to help ourselves so nothing will be the same as this situation again for our family - in the sense that this is your line, your family's line that you need support to get through this so it will never be the same so it can't happen again.

if it's an option to go to your mum and dads do. You both need sleep. It sounds like you're at breaking point, your family and friends would want to help.

take care

I would be very careful OP. I honestly can’t imagine a situation where either of us would throw something at each other, and we have been extremely tired as one of our children didn’t sleep well at all til they were about 7.

It may be a one off but things can escalate. I’d be really concerned if my partner did this as it shows a lack of control. Parenting can be stressful and exhausting but you can’t just lash out, no matter how tired you are.

Be very careful. If you put it down to exhaustion this once, that’s up to you, but if it ever happens again, you have to act.

This. Keep it simple, I think OP is overreacting and has possibly read too many LTB threads.

You're just a couple of young stressed out parents who had a bit of a dust-up. Nobody got killed. One day you'll have a laugh about it.

My DS has gerds which started at 6 weeks old. He cried almost constantly and never slept more than 90 minutes for two years. He was on medication, special formula and saw multiple specialists. He threw up multiple times a day and I carried bags everywhere. It was a living hell the first few years. My DH and I were so sleep deprived and shattered every moment of every day. I was mental all the time, snappy and just ragged.

Be kind to yourself and your DH. This is a very awful time. It seems you are both taking out your anger on each other which happens when you are so sleep deprived. Your DH seems mortified that he snapped. If it is a one off then I think it is explainable due to exhaustion. Maybe you can have someone watch your little one on a weekend day sometime and you and your DH can just sleep and try to reconnect a bit.

Take heart, many of us have been there and there is a light at the end. Just hang in there, it will get better ❤️

I think if one of you were deliberately violent to your child it would be very different. That’s not what happened here.

You’re both exhausted, sleep-deprived, and worried. You told him to fuck off and he chucked a plastic egg at you, inadvertently hitting your baby but not hurting them or leaving a mark.

You’ve both acknowledged this is a wake-up call which underlines the fact you’re both at breaking point. That’s the important thing. Neither of you have minimised your actions and you’re acknowledging that something needs to be done before you snap.

He’s taken time off work sick. Perfect. Can you alternate the childcare so you both get some unbroken sleep during the coming days to top up your reserves? Sleep when you can, as much as you both can. Day or night. Whatever it takes. That’s all you both need. I had a baby with reflux that was so severe it disturbed his heart rhythm. It’s an absolute fucker. Hopefully the Omeprazole brings relief (I’m assuming you’ve already had the advice about elevating the head of his cot slightly?)

Prioritise you both getting some sleep. Ask for help from family if you can. Sleep deprivation can be deadly if you reach the end of your tether.

But don’t fixate on what happened today. Lots of parents have made poor decisions when exhausted. No harm done. All will be fine - this stage WILL pass 💐

As long as it’s a one off
sleep deprivation and stress can change you
i mean I heard a full on voice in my bedroom so imagine what else it can do to your brain and behaviour

His reaction after is the answer you need. He was distraught and apologetic. No defensiveness or telling you it was your fault. I could let this go once. If it happened again that would be it.

in terms of your sleep our third was a dreadful sleeper we set up a routine. I went to bed 730/8pm -12. Dh did bedtimes and babies last feed by expressed bottle. He came to bed around 1130/12. I took over and got up in the night while he slept. So he slept 12-7 and I slept 8-12 and probably another 3-4 hours between 12-7. (Dh had work I didn’t) I also happed in afternoon if needed.

Do you feel you can trust your H with the baby if he's feeling frustrated or angry or very tired?

Is the baby safe in his care?

I wouldn't want to be rocked vigorously if I had reflux, I'd want to be held upright.
Vigorous rocking helps very tired babies fall asleep.

Sounds like the most exhausting situation. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture so no wonder you're both behaving out of character. Sounds like it was a one off and hopefully you can move past it.

As others have said, I would concentrate on getting sleep. Whether you run shifts and the other goes somewhere else and sleeps and then returns and relieves the other.

I always used to think if I'm knackered my DC must be equally if not more exhausted. Your poor baby must be so tired. I really hope the meds start to kick in and you're getting the best advice on how to soothe him and position him.

It will pass @Mayday85 and it will be ok xx

I am completely of the opinion that lack of sleep is a form of torture. We are not ourselves when we are very tired. I assume he feels very bad. I would talk to him.

Have you had your baby checked for tongue tie? We were fobbed off by the hospital as they didn’t believe in posterior tongue tie, but our daughter was the same, awful reflux and we were so sleep deprived because I’d feed her for 45 mins minimum, then have to sit up for half an hr so she didn’t spew it all up, and then I’d had about 20 mins to sleep before the whole cycle started again. She was struggling to latch on the breast and we ended up on a feeding plan to top up with bottles (that she couldn’t latch on properly either). We ended up up going private and had her tongue tie snipped and the difference was instant! Her latch was instantly so much stronger and she gained all the weight she’d lost back in 2 weeks. I found the Milk Matters lactation consultant account on Instagram so helpful. Sleep deprivation is horrendous so it’s worth getting a second opinion, even if the hospital say he doesn’t have a tongue tie in my view!

Thinking of the reflux, my son had a problem when he was laid down flat which is why sleeping upright on me worked. My GP, old school, and 20 years ago told me to let him sleep in a sitting position in a baby bouncer.
I thought it was very strange but did it for 2 months and his sleeping was so much better.
I'm not advocating you put your child in a baby bouncer as all sorts of 'rules' have changed, but the position angle for sleep really helped, and like you, I would have tried anything.

Have you got anti-reflux milk?

This, AS LONG AS you can say, hand on heart, that neither of you is abusive, and it was caused solely by sleep deprivation.

You’re both just tired and with a poorly baby too! Both of you need to be kind to yourselves and treat the incident as a turning point. If your DH is going to take a bit of time off work, then tag team with the baby for a couple of days and catch up on some sleep. Go out for a coffee (when you’re both rested) - just get out of the house. I used to find that just leaving the house and doing something simple helps massively. Good luck

OP it sounds a terrible shock but that’s the point - it’s a shock as out of character for you both, but maybe a shock to help you try to navigate what sounds a tricky situation all round. You are in a really hard place parenting wise, be kind to yourself (and him).

God I feel so sorry for you both. Sleep deprivation is awful. Forgive each other if this really is a one off.

My dc suffered terribly from colic until he was 6 months old. The health visitor advised me to have his slightly elevated to prevent the projectile vomiting. Also, my dd kept me up most of the night and I was absolutely shattered from exhaustion. Be kind to yourselves and get some advice regarding the colic.

Do you have white noise for your toddler? We use Alexa and white noiee by sleep jar skill and it drowns out the babies screams in our little two bed.