DH threw toy at me & it hit our baby

[Mayday85]

Title says it all. I’m in shock. My cozy, safe family has collapsed.

I blame myself partly, or maybe fully. I don’t know. We’ve been struggling with our baby at night. He barely sleeps and will cry loudly, waking our 2 year old. He’s got reflux poor thing. We have to rock him vigorously to calm him, for most of the night. Tonight he was screaming and I snapped at something DH said. I told him to F off twice. He threw one of those plastic eggs at me but it hit our baby on the head.

My worlds collapsed. He’s an amazing dad and everything he does is for our family. But I can’t be with him anymore can I?

We aren’t usually argumentative. We don’t row much and don’t swear at each other. I know we both sound awful reading this back, but we’re good people. Calm and happy parents.

I live away from friends and family. I can’t talk to anyone about this. What do I do? Please be kind. I’m not usually someone who would swear like that. I’m ill and tired and overwhelmed.

I don’t think it is ok at all that he threw a hard object at her, while she was near their baby! On what planet would that be ok whether she told him to fuck off or not?!

What did he say for you to say fuck off OP? I find that relevant. Also, don’t write this off as some PPs have suggested. Yes sleep deprivation is awful but it’s never ok to get physical no matter how absurd the object. FFS can’t believe the replies I’m reading. I witnessed my mum’s partner throw a cup at her head in a row and it’s one of the worst things I’ve seen.

Is everyone assuming these are the empty ones like you get at Easter or something? Because if it is a Tomy one those are actually quite heavy/solid and I’d be fuming if my partner threw one at me let alone if it hit my young baby in the head.

Totally agree. You are in the trenches at the moment. You can’t think straight for tiredness. A newborn and two year old is incredibly tough.

To clarify some of these responses saying “it’s not bad”, are you assuming a lightweight hollow plastic egg here?

I’m assuming from the reaction of OP that it is the Tomy ones - so around 40 or 50 grams per egg. This is like a golf ball or rock. Would you still feel the same if your partner launched a golf ball or rock at you in a fight and it hit your baby in the head??

This, although on reflection I should have mentioned in my reply OP only you know if your baby requires to be seen by a Doctor & the circumstances after the event. You never mentioned injury which will make posters assume the baby is ok.

I would love to talk to you. I say its all my fault too. my psychologist thinks im in an abusive relationship but my husband is very kind too although I dont tihnk he has even bought me a birthday or Christmas present ever

Lauraloulou1, I really don't think that a small hollow plastic egg, thrown by a normal human hand, would give a budgerigar brain damage, never mind a baby, and the most important thing is that he wasn't even aiming it at the baby. However, if he ever hit a child, or threw something at them in anger, then that would be a completely different matter.

Nearly every mum, and many dads, have been through the torture of not only having sleepless nights (and days), but of also having the sounds of their wailing child piercing through their heads, sometimes for many hours at a time. As lots of other Mums on here have already pointed out, sleep deprivation actually is a well known technique for torturing people, and hearing your own baby screeching non stop for hours on end, is another very effective method of making parents go a little crazy.

So I do think that you are being needlessly unfair and unkind to @Mayday85, by trying to make her think that that one particular bad action by her otherwise very DH, is of LTB magnitude!

When I had a very young baby - many, many, years ago now - my GP, who was a lovely human being, told me how he frequently had to take his baby out in the car in the middle of the night, as that was the only way their very DBaby would calm down and fall asleep! It was so lovely to have such an approachable and understanding doctor to talk to, and I think it is so sad that we will probably never again have a situation where we have a trusted family doctor, who knows and cares for, all of his patients. But that of course would need its own thread...

I have to agree with other pp's.
You don't normally swear but you told him to fuck off TWICE, this is out of character him and he snapped, like you did. The life long effects would be far worse if you split up. No family with small children want to break up realistically, and this was a one off. Just because he snapped it doesn't mean he's violent or a bad father, newborns are the hardest part of your life, and stress with newborns can completely change you for a short period of time. I was like a walking zombie, and I would have been capable of doing things out of the ordinary due to lack of sleep, stress etc.
I think you should address it and move on, but by moving on I mean just let it go.

How do you know it’s a small hollow plastic egg? OP has not confirmed… if it is the Tomy ones (the first one I thought of when I read the OP as everyone has this baby toy) then it is about 50 grams per egg! Same as a golf ball… still feel the same?

Yeah, those hide and squeak eggs were the ones I thought of too. Hopefully it wasn’t one of those and hopefully he was contrite.

This reminds me of abusive relationships I have been in. Someone loosing their temper and throwing an object at you is abuse. It will likely escalate.

Definitely LTB territory for me. Every parent has been sleep deprived at some point and I can understand saying something in anger or slamming an object down in frustration etc but to pick something up that is potentially quite hard and throw it at you? That's bad enough but when you are also holding the baby? That crosses a line for me.

I don't think it's that bad tbh

Tomorrow is another day

You and your husband need to get some sleep.
Everyone snaps from exhaustion.
Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture.

Do you have any family who could babysit while the two of you get a night off?

If your child is not sleeping, there is no point in both of you being awake all night.
You need to take turns and maybe one sleep downstairs if the noise is too much upstairs (assuming you live in a house).

No-one can function without adequate sleep.

They're both suffering from sleep deprivation - save the hyperbole.

Driving around in a car with a baby works for a lot of people - it's definitely worth a try for OP.

My son took a long time to settle at night.
I chose to sleep with him in the guest room so that my DH could get a decent night's sleep while I was on maternity leave - it worked for us.

A cup can do damage - a plastic egg less so.
Hopefully your mother was okay.

Literally this. You’re both stressed and sleep deprived - your world hasn’t collapsed, as you put it.

Thank you for the kind replies. Even the slightly harsh ones (although the person who said we shouldn’t be parents was a bit much…) It has really shaken me, which is why I used such dramatic language.

Baby is 6 months. He is absolutely fine, although it was a Tony egg and they’re quite heavy, so that is why I was more dramatic. No bump or red mark even.

His reflux is pretty bad. We’ve had multiple hospital admissions and he’s vomited every solid we’ve given him. It’s hell. We are under a paediatrician and dietitian and he’s on ompeprazole now finally so I’m hoping there’ll be some improvement. He actually slept for three hours solid yesterday at one point in the night, so maybe things will improve.

DH is distraught and has struggled to get to sleep tonight. He’s apologised repeatedly and offered to leave or to take me up to my mum and dads for a bit. But I’m staying and he’s going to go off sick from work for a little bit. We’ve both been highly anxious about our baby and like other posters have said, we need to show one another some kindness.

Lastly, I don’t believe he is abusive and feel this is a one off. Literally nothing like this has ever come up before. I hope it never does again and we can go back to how we were.

Your world has collapsed? That’s a bit dramatic. You’re both tired by the sounds of it.

Also, I know I used quite dramatic language in my OP. I genuinely feel quite silly now. I did feel like nothing would be the same again. My mood has been really low, so this event felt like the world ending.

Can anyone watch the baby for a night? Sounds like you’re both pretty anxious and feeding off one another. Sleep deprivation is hell.

it will all be fine

Ok I’m glad you came back to clarify a few things. However, your response is focusing entirely on your DH who threw an egg at you and missed and hit your baby. Nowhere have you acknowledged that even by your own description you snapped at something he said and then told him to fuck off twice. I really hope you see that alongside your husband who is devastated he reacted the way he did that you acknowledge that you’re not entirely blameless in this situation. Yes his response to you was completely inappropriate. So were you by telling him to fuck off twice.

as I said before, neither of you come across as blameless in this.

Omg please don’t feel silly! I’m currently awake and scrolling mumsnet because my 14 month old is having his nightly party and I am SO TIRED. Sleep deprivation has made me feel quite genuinely unhinged at multiple points in the last few months. It’s actual hell. And you sound like you’ve been having such a hard time of it. My DS had silent reflux and would scream and refuse every bottle and we’d have to feed him in 30ml bursts at first, but omeprazole saved us! He’s now off it and a big chunky toddler who eats nearly an adult sized portion of pasta for dinner, so there is hope for you guys too!

Unfortunately he still wakes up in the night and is currently having a party while I watch on the monitor silently begging for him to settle himself without me going in. I’ve never felt unhinged like I have in the last 1.5 years. The sleep deprivation and stress of young kids is absolutely fucking horrendous at times. Please don’t feel silly, those feelings aren’t silly. Your poor DH too. It’s not ok that he threw something but I totally agree with PP it doesn’t sound like a deal breaker just a couple of very very tired parents.

if you’re finding that your mental health is really suffering have you considered chatting to your GP? I did in the end and have been on medication which personally has helped me loads. Still do get my unhinged moments when I’ve had four hours sleep three days in a row! But the horrible lows aren’t nearly as bad.

Try and be kind to yourself OP X