DH threw toy at me & it hit our baby

[Mayday85]

Title says it all. I’m in shock. My cozy, safe family has collapsed.

I blame myself partly, or maybe fully. I don’t know. We’ve been struggling with our baby at night. He barely sleeps and will cry loudly, waking our 2 year old. He’s got reflux poor thing. We have to rock him vigorously to calm him, for most of the night. Tonight he was screaming and I snapped at something DH said. I told him to F off twice. He threw one of those plastic eggs at me but it hit our baby on the head.

My worlds collapsed. He’s an amazing dad and everything he does is for our family. But I can’t be with him anymore can I?

We aren’t usually argumentative. We don’t row much and don’t swear at each other. I know we both sound awful reading this back, but we’re good people. Calm and happy parents.

I live away from friends and family. I can’t talk to anyone about this. What do I do? Please be kind. I’m not usually someone who would swear like that. I’m ill and tired and overwhelmed.

You both need to be kind to each other. You’ve both snapped and both done something that’s upset yourselves as well as had something done to you. You know there’s no way he meant to hit the baby. As long as this is 100% a one-off I think you should be very kind to one another after an awful incident.

I think you are blowing this out of proportion. It was a small plastic egg, not a dinner plate and I assume it hitting the baby was an accident?? I'm also assuming DH is extremely remorseful/beside himself with guilt?? Is baby unharmed?
You are all sleep deprived and by the sounds of it and at your wits ends. I too had a baby with reflux and I didnt sleep for about 4mths! To say my fuse was short was an understatement!!!!
You need to get professional help so you can all get some much needed rest and support. Going completely dairy free cured my babies reflux within a couple of weeks (EBF). I also started to co-sleep which was also a game changer! It might not be how you envisaged parenting but sometimes you need to do what works for you.

Agree with this.

I don’t think I’d leave over it tbh. You’re in hell right now.. don’t make any decisions. Get help with baby. Do what you have to do to get any more sleep. Send DH to hotel tonight, you go next week. For sleep, not a divorce!!!
goid luck.

Yes sleep exhaustion is torturous and horrible. We've all been there.

Not all of us throw hard objects at our partner whose holding our baby though!

I couldn't stay with him. I'd never trust him going forward. It takes seconds of anger turned physical to significantly harm a baby for life, or worse. 😔😢

I'd ask him to leave op. If he won't I'd take myself and the kids elsewhere.

Sleep deprivation and screaming babies will test the strongest relationship in the middle of the night. He shouldn't have thrown it, but you shouldn't have told him to F off. He didn't mean to hit your baby.

Don't end your relationship over it. You'll come out of the other side eventually.

My now ex-husband and I were older parents. God, those 1st 5 years were hell. I love my kid to bits - he is now a young adult. But please be kind to yourselves. We weren't. I'm not sure it was the only reason our marriage ended, but was a factor. But it also doesn't mean that his life pre-children returns to normal and yours doesn't. Take care.

It would be very different if he’d thrown it with the intent to hit your baby. I’m sure he feels absolutely terrible about it. Tiredness makes things so much worse.

We also had a reflux-y baby who didn’t sleep. With limited family support. 6 months before COVID.

The early years nearly broke us - we nearly split, it was horrendous. We said some awful things to each other in sleep deprived states.

We came out the other side, stronger actually. DS is now 6. Be kind to each other. You will get through it. Tag team and sleep when you can and seek out and use any kind of support you can find.

❤️

Seek help for reflux. Try an elevated bed, perhaps 20 degrees up at the head. Be wary that there might be "silent reflux" such that it doesn't come out but gets into the lungs. It will settle over time or with medication but is horrible when out of control.

My second also had CMPA and until we had him
on allergy milk it was hell and awful for everyone in our home, baby included. My husband and I would take turns and do shifts so I would do from midnight on and he would take over when home from work and do 5pm-midnight so I could eat and sleep uninterrupted. We would never have both sat up all night because then both of you are run ragged and sleep deprivation is awful. Definitely take baby to the Drs. A baby swing was a lifesaver for our CMPA reflux baby too

Echoing what others are saying; sleep deprivation is torture, and you're ill and overwhelmed. Try and get some rest/sleep and stop panicking. Sure the baby's head is fine? You're in shock but if it's completely out of character and he's sorry/remorseful tomorrow then I wouldn't be thinking of ending your marriage over this either.

Unmumsnetty hugs! (DH and I had similar episodes when we were in the newborn trenches but survived - the kids are now teens).

Your family hasn't "collapsed", OP. You both just had a tough day/night, and got a bit tetchy. Understandable if you're sleep-deprived.
Just forget about this minor incident, but do seek some support that might improve the baby's sleep.

Tbh sounds like you started it. You’re both knackered and overwhelmed. I’d expect an apology. And then I’d move on… and maybe you can both try to control your frustration better.

Your family will be fine.

Very much this. If your LO has reflux you need to help them to relax and not tighten up their poor diaphragm with vigorous rocking or back slaps.

Ask your health visitor to show you good techniques or try gentle rocking or baby massage. Talk to your Health Visitor too about anything else that might be going on such as CMPA.

Lack of sleep and even the thought of not getting sleep after a previous sleepless night is a stressful place to be.

I'm assuming the plastic egg was quite light and no harm was done.
Once the dust has settled apologise for swearing at him and hopefully he will reciprocate, which will open up conversation about what happened.

Had it been a hard boiled egg, I wouldn't be so forgiving.

Don't beat yourselves up, you're good people under pressure. Reflux is painful and you feel helpless that you can't make baby comfortable. Call your health visitor, go to your GP, find out how to deal with the reflux. Don't be fobbed off. You both acted out of character, it happens when you're tired and feel helpless. Don't blame each other, you'll get through this.

You need to take it in turns to get a lie in on weekend mornings, one gets a Saturday, one gets a Sunday and if a lie on isn’t an option, then a couple of hours in your bedroom for a nap - both have an allocated day for this.
it honestly changed our lives with young kids! Allowing ourselves both grace and being fair with it, and rest - which is essential for survival during these tides!

Agreed.

Christ OP is being dramatic.. even if her safe, cosy world has collapsed 🙄

You're as bad as each other
Using foul language and throwing things at each other.
Some people shouldn't be parents.
Sort yourselves out.

Adding to everything others have said. Calm down, let this be a wake up call. Ask for help, share the load etc.

I’m not sure about throwing something at someone, even if the depths of extreme tiredness. it’s aggressive and out of control. Also telling each other to ‘fuck off’. It’s so nasty.

I hope you can apologise to each other and get through this. But he wouldn’t be throwing something at me more than twice. If there’s a next time, he needs to go.

This is the crux of it - what did he do?

And saying fuck off and get out or whatever for a new post birth new mum is absolutely not comparable with his throwing any object at you or in your direction - words are not the same as physical action. His choice was walk away he didn’t take it .

Our baby didn’t sleep at all, he rarely napped and cried a lot.
I don’t think I had a full night until he was about 4!!
I remember one awful day when we were so stressed my husband shouted why won’t he just shut the fuck up, and I took great offence and told him to leave the house.
But honestly we were absolutely exhausted and it just tipped him over the edge.
looking back he just said out loud what I was thinking.
If this is a one off, be kind to yourselves and talk about it together x

Okay so I'm currently in the thick of it... up every 1-2 hours with my 6 month old for weeks.

Me and my DH have argued a lot and I've probably sworn a fair bit out of sleep deprivation. However, neither of us had ever come close to throwing something at the other. Did he chuck it hard? I'm not saying you should end it but it's a bit of a red flag imo and people have been quite quick to excuse it.

Sleep deprivation is horrid but not an excuse for violence.