DH threw toy at me & it hit our baby

[Mayday85]

Title says it all. I’m in shock. My cozy, safe family has collapsed.

I blame myself partly, or maybe fully. I don’t know. We’ve been struggling with our baby at night. He barely sleeps and will cry loudly, waking our 2 year old. He’s got reflux poor thing. We have to rock him vigorously to calm him, for most of the night. Tonight he was screaming and I snapped at something DH said. I told him to F off twice. He threw one of those plastic eggs at me but it hit our baby on the head.

My worlds collapsed. He’s an amazing dad and everything he does is for our family. But I can’t be with him anymore can I?

We aren’t usually argumentative. We don’t row much and don’t swear at each other. I know we both sound awful reading this back, but we’re good people. Calm and happy parents.

I live away from friends and family. I can’t talk to anyone about this. What do I do? Please be kind. I’m not usually someone who would swear like that. I’m ill and tired and overwhelmed.

Absolutely this. My DH accidentally bumped DS’s head on the car door frame putting him in his seat at about 8 weeks old and he still brings up how bad he felt about it, 17 months on.

Extreme fatigue will mess with anyone’s normal functioning and personality, the action itself is far from ideal but not necessarily a dealbreaker so long as it’s not a pattern. His reaction to it is the dealbreaker.

Its worth keeping in mind thay sleep deprivation is used an an actual torture method.
Neither of you are in your right minds right now, it will pass.. I don't think this is marriage ending.
It is unfortunate it hit the baby, I imagine he is feeling like shit about that.
Can one of you sleep in a different room or with a friend and take it in turns to get actual sleep for a whole night to catch up
Two people who havent slept is going to cause blow ups like this
If this is the worst argument you have ever had I think you guys are ok

I think before excuse him as sleep deprived we need to know whether he is actually getting up in the night.

I bet he feels awful. No this is not a LTB scenario. I feel for both of you. Both overtired.

You are being ridiculous. You swore at him and he threw a bloody kinder egg.

It is not ok for you to tell him to fuck off and it’s not ok for him to throw things at you.

But if you both acted out of character then I wouldn’t jump to any permanent decisions right now.

Obviously you need to sort your sleep out.
Is there a way that one of you can go to bed very early (like 6pm) whilst the other sorts both kids and the goes to bed later.

I knew someone where parent A went to bed at 6pm and parenting and night wakes were parent Bs responsibility until midnight.
Then after midnight parenting and night wakes her parent As responsibility as well as sorting the DC in the morning.
It meant both parents had a decent 6 hour sleep each night.
They even slept in separate rooms and handed over the baby monitor at 12 so the other parent could get a better rest.

You both need to do whatever you can to get some sleep.

It's different to say really.

I am worried though that you are saying it's all your fault. This is a typical thing for a domestic abuse victim to say. Throwing toys is also the kind of thing abusers do and having a baby is a common time for abuse to start or escalate if the abuser wants to be the centre of attention. I know you say you don't argue much. I didn't argue with my abuser either and he was often very kind. He bought me lovely birthday and Christmas presents.

I bought an iPod with my birthday money (many years ago, obviously). My abuser threw it plus the packaging and instructions across the room. I never did find the instructions again.

On the other hand, it could all be sleep deprivation.

There is absolutely no judgement here. Carry on. See how he behaves.

What matters here is his behaviour after he hurt your child. Is he sorry, horrified, apologetic?

If not there is a problem.

A momentary flash of anger after being sworn at is not a marriage-eventing event. I mean it’s not ideal but don’t break up your normally happy family over this. You were both at fault, - apologise to each other, learn from it and move on.

I've done things I regret when sleep deprived.
If you think it's worth working on, try and set up shifts so you can both get some rest. Even if it's taking the baby downstairs or one of you sleeping downstairs or with the toddler. Get naps during the day. Take leave from work. Get support with childcare. Whatever you can do to get the sleep you need. Don't worry about keeping on top of the housework or keeping strict routines. Right now you need to prioritise getting the sleep you need to prevent something like this happening again.

Was it a a light plastic thing or one of those heavy ‘hide and squeak’ things? How is the baby? How did he resound afterward?

I agree with the others, assuming he was remorseful, the baby is ok and that you can talk it through together for how to handle better in the future.

Agree - this isn’t the time for LTB. You both need to sleep, cut yourself and each other some slack. A baby and a two year old is hell IMO. A baby with colic is absolute rock bottom. Find a night nanny, or get some sort of help for a few days to give you a bit of time.

I think throwing an object at you whilst you were (presumably) holding your baby is disgusting. Whether or not it’s a plastic egg. I get it, you’re both sleep deprived I have 2 under 2 aswell but to physically throw an object at you and it hit your child..awful. You told him to F off, he could’ve done the same but he didn’t. I wouldn’t end my marriage over it but I’d be having a serious serious conversation with him tomorrow. Ps, this is not your fault! You both need a good night sleep (or any sleep) and chat tomorrow but let him know he crossed a line.

Is the baby ok? Sorry if i have missed but if it very small infant then you may need to go to hospital? Sorry you are going through this. New parents crack all the time but having to explain this to an nhs doctor could mean this turns into something different. A crack to the head with plastic is a serious thing for anyone - seek medical help if you need and worry about everything else after!

A baby with bad reflux is SO HARD to deal with. No one can understand unless they’ve been there. It really does take you to breaking point.
You both behaved badly (him more so) but under the circumstances I wouldn’t make a snap decision that it’s over.
Try and get some family or other support if you can. Talk together about how a line has been crossed, how it can never happen again, realise this is so incredibly hard but ultimately temporary, and try and put in place strategies for getting through it.
I promise you it ends - my reflux baby is now mid-teens and it all feels like a lifetime ago but I know how incredibly hard it is when you’re living though it.

Lack of sleep is a killer, people literally go mad and act out of character after a certain point. Both of you must prioritise getting enough of it over everything else - money, convenience, everything. Be creative. Ask for help. Arrange to take it in turns to sleep elsewhere if sleeping in your home is impossible. Do hope you find a solution soon.

Is he sorry? Was he shocked he hit your baby? To be honest it sounds like you TOGETHER need to manage this much better. There are two of you so you need to be pretty much sharing the load. One puts the 2 year old down and goes to sleep. Then switch every 4 hours or so. Or do half and half - one sleep 8-2 other 2-7 or something. It's tricky but you need to make sleep a high priority.

Why is no one worried about the baby here?? Yes mothers know how mad new born tiredness makes you but he is a dad so unlikely as bad and also HE HIT HIS KID WITH A PLASTIC OBJECT!! Why are we cutting him so much slack when, depending on age, kid could have term brain damage???

I had a reflux cmpa baby and it was the hardest thing I've ever done to be a parent in those circumstances, my husband too. Lack of sleep, having to hold him all might and take turns
With husband, we were demented.

However, words of anger and frustration are one thing, but picking up and throwing something is another. He should never have done that to you let alone when you're holding your baby. He needs to grovel, if he has no previous form for this at all. He needs to understand that despite the stress, strain and exhaustion, the act of looking for a missile to chuck, picking it up and letting it go is choice after choice.

I think you both need sleep. There is no point you both being awake and annoyed at each other. Can you take the baby downstairs and sleep there and dh can swap with you at some point?

My first baby was similar, she was exclusively breast fed yet had CMPA, I was the one chugging down pints of cows milk not knowing it could give her symptoms. Wish I had known sooner, we were fried by the time it became apparent (at weaning) and we both became horrible people. Normally I'd be zero tolerance at any signs of abuse, but I'd say you are just at the end of your tether, sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason.

Have you had a baby with bad reflux? It’s not just newborn tiredness - multiply that by a thousand and you wouldn’t even be close. Oh and add a baby that never stops screaming with discomfort day and night.

How’s the baby?

Has the world really ended? You were as bad as each other, and are both sleep deprived which is a nightmare. Try and discuss this together in the morning.