Dating thread 54-New year new irons?

[bluedabadeedabadoo]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating -Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Hi all. New thread created.

Hope you all find it ok.
So I met with Mr Psychologist today (going to call him Mr P). It was nice but this definitley remains in FWB territory 🤦🏻‍♀️ The messages in the lead have all been about sex. He came round, we had sex, watched a tv programme then he left. After the sex we did cuddle in bed for about 15 mins which was nice and it did feel good, warm and meaningful. I did however feel in that moment the worry of being over invested.
The sex was just out of this world even though there was actually no PIV. He is so attentive, keen to please and loves pleasuring me.
I had a message when he got back thanking me for a lovely evening.
I’m still enjoying this and trying to just take it as it comes and enjoy it but there remains that fear in the back of my mind that I will get over invested and get hurt.

I hope everyone’s new year has got off to a good start 🙂

Thanks for the new thread, @bluedabadeedabadoo!
i totally understand where you are, as I’m in a similar place myself. Trying to enjoy it for what it is, the sex is off the charts by the doesn’t want a relationship so I don’t want to get over invested. Would it help to continue dating other people?

@BoxOfCats I wish I could but I can only focus on one person at a time 🤦🏻‍♀️

How's everyone's week going?

I went for a drink with a guy on Tuesday who is so funny, kind and nice to be around but I absolutely don't fancy him. We got a bit drunk and had a kiss (annoyingly good) and he wants to see me again. Wondering if it can grow?

Having a drink tomorrow with a guy who is local, good looking and interesting so keen to see how that goes.

Feeling much better about the fireman, decided to match his energy (which is non existent) and it's made my brain feel better already!

Happy New Thread! 😀

@bluedabadeedabadoo I'm in the same position with the fireman. When he's here he's amazing, sex is incredible and we are very similar in our interests etc. Trying to just take it for what it is but know it's difficult!

It really is. I don’t think I can do it. I’m already finding myself disappointed that I haven’t had a message from him today yet which is unusual to be fair but if I’m just taking it for what it is then it shouldn’t upset me!
Glad you are managing to get back out there.

I'm going in peaks and troughs, not being bothered about him then spiralling. I haven't heard from him in 3 days which is the longest he's been absent for, and messages are usually instigated by me. Trying to focus on "if he wanted to he would".

You've got this x

Yer I’m the same. He is very consistent usually though. Usually messages every morning and quite a few times during the day and again at night time. I get massively obsessed with patterns and changes to patterns as I tend to use it to predict what might happen which I know isn’t healthy.
the frustrating thing with Mr P is that he says he DOES want a relationship but the actions are now definitley FWB as all our investment is now in sex and not in developing a relationship.

how are you feeling about him not being in contact? Do you think you will just leave the ball in his court now or reach out?

I'm going to attempt to leave it in his court. While I'm not adverse to a fwb relationship, there's absolutely no "f" on his part right now.

Oh, I skimmed through the previous thread and this looks fun. Are we just chatting about our dating life? Correct me if I missed the point.

Current lay of the land: Mr Activity Centre. Been seeing each other sporadically for just over a month. And I mean sporadically because he has about gazillion children and is a bit short on time. Sex is amazing and now feels like it's taking up most of our time. Am I enjoying it? Sure. Trying hard not to smell a rat.. maybe we should be spending more time getting to know each other in other ways. When we meet, we usually spend a few days together and we do come up for air intermittently.
Both agreed from the start that we are looking for a committed relationship. Never had that discussion since. What the hell, I spent a fortune on new lingerie and I have three more sets to premiere. I'll reassess after that 😜

Hey and welcome to the thread. I’m pretty new too but yes pretty much just to discuss dating experiences.
Your current situation sounds almost identical to mine with Mr P although don’t spend as long together when we do see each other.

It's tricky, isn't it?
Well, one thing I like about Mr AC is that I know he will honestly answer whatever question I ask him. We got pretty deep into his personal history on date nr 2 because I had a lot of questions. So I can approach it with him, I'm just not sure it's the right time just yet.
Other than that, it's all been pretty nice - candlelit dinners, walks in nature, daily phone calls... trying not to overthink things for now. Early days.

Are you managing to keep your anxiety in check? I am also a massive pattern-checker so I know it can be rough to break that habit.

Unfortunately with me and Mr P things turned spicy via text after the 2nd date so has been very focussed on sex since, including dates. We did also talk openly at the start about what we wanted but I feel that this is different to what he described. I do need to broach it but feel it’s a bit soon as it’s only a month in so I feel it’s too soon and plus I’m enjoying it.

I suffer massively with anxiety when it comes to dating so I do find it hard but I journal regularly, when I feel uncomfortable my therapist told me to just sit through it and take deep breaths. I also find chat GPT a great way to help me to rationalise and make sense of how I feel and put things in to perspective. Right now I just keep telling myself that it’s early days, have fun and enjoy it and if it’s meant to be it will be. I kind of know this isn’t going anywhere long term (neither of us have actually said this) so I think being of this mindset is helping a bit but I am very scared of becoming unintentionally over invested.

So I found myself getting a little anxious today and decided that I do need some clarifying on what me and Mr P are and if he’s still open to a relationship. He said that he doesn’t think we will work out long term due to issues with being able to co-habit and the distance. Co-habiting would be really tricky and could only really ever be a long term goal when our eldest kids have left home which is a while yet and he says this is not something he would be happy with.
I don’t know if this is true. Part of me thinks it isn’t, but if there are barriers to achieving what he wants, then it is right to say now so this could be true.
He would like FWB so I’m just considering this. I will likely give it a go with caution. Part of me thinks as long as I do know where I stand then I may be ok. I think what I’m going to struggle with most is not having the daily contact with him and negotiating how we manage endings after sex as we have been cuddling in bed afterwards.

Ive never had a FWB before. What do people usually do in regards to these things, and do you watch tv together before/ after sex too or is it literally just sex?

I’m not in too different a position myself. Matched with Mr Nomad on Tinder in September. We get on like a house on fire, but we don’t live in the same city and unless one of us has a drastic career change, it’s unlikely that we would ever live in the same place. He has said he isn’t up for a long distance relationship but is keen to keep seeing each other. So I guess you could say it’s friends with benefits or a “situationship”.

We act pretty much like we are in a relationship. Dates, cuddles, emotional support. He is kind, caring and considerate. Despite the distance, we speak almost every day. I’ll be flying 2 hours to see him next week so we can spend 5 days together. He’s doing a 2 hour round trip to collect me from the airport, taking me out to a lovely vineyard for lunch, has a bunch of activities planned for us while I’m there. He’s introduced me to friends before. Pretty much everything you would otherwise expect in a relationship.

The main thing I have struggled with is what it means for exclusivity. I have said to him that if at any point he wants to see other people, could he let me know so that I have the opportunity to step aside, and he has agreed to. I do find it hard not to get too emotionally invested as I know there will be an expiry date, but for now I’m just enjoying it for what it is.

Well I failed at my own advice last night 🤦🏻‍♀️ had a few drinks last night and sent something marginally sentimental to the fireman. He didn't reply so I deleted his number. Take all temptation away! Sigh.

Good for you, deleting his number. Onwards and upwards!

Some dating developments for me…

1. Mr Nomad, the man who doesn’t want a relationship but treats me as if we are in one, has just asked me if I’ll go on holiday with him to South East Asia in the middle of the year. So far the longest we’ve spent together in one go is 3 days (due to not living in the same city), although I’’ll be staying with him 5 days next week . He wants me to go on holiday with him for a month! Which feels like quite a commitment, given our non-relationship status. Part of me would really love to go though!

2. Mr Charismatic, a man I dated very briefly mid last year, slid into my DMs again just before Xmas. We had amazing chemistry but he had something happen in his work & personal life that was very stressful, and he ended up telling me he wasn’t in the right headspace to continue dating. (Or maybe he met someone else, who knows…). He’s currently travelling abroad until early Feb but has made it very clear he’s ultra keen to meet up when he’s back. Technically Mr Nomad and I are not in a relationship so I’m still pondering whether this is a good idea or not…

Oh bless you but well done for deleting his number!

Thanks all, I'll be surprised if I ever hear from him again, which is sad because he was fun. But there you go.

Haven't heard from local guy about tonights drink...

I think with FWB it needs to be clear what the situation is. Questions need to be asked like will he be sleeping with others etc? From reading you're posts I could see from the start that's all he wanted but if you enjoy it that's ok.

I couldn't do it personally but that's me

Thanks. He did say that he didn’t want FWB but this quickly turned away from dating and into solely sex after a few weeks so I’m not sure that’s true.
in terms of sleeping with others, I expect he will be if the opportunity arises but he knows I will only have safe sex anyway. I probably would end it by the time I got to that point.

I think there are a number of men who say they want a relationship and make an effort for a few weeks to basically revert to fwb
i had a guy who even text me after he’d had a few drinks to say if I only wanted sex he wasn’t interested . Clearly a shit attempt at reverse psychology as he absolutely didn’t want a relationship with me or anyone .

@bluedabadeedabadoo thank you! Just found the new thread.

Lunchtime date with Mr Narnia tomorrow 🙂

How's everyone?