Husband is a good father/husband with a bad habit (coke addiction)

[ThatBlueShaker]

Mum of three, turning 40 this year in August. My husband and I have been together since we were 18. We met on the first day of uni and were basically in a relationship within a month. We were together all through uni for three years. After we graduated, he went travelling and ended up in Switzerland teaching people how to ski. I stayed in England, worked at Waitrose for about a year, then went travelling around South America for about nine months.

That time was really fun. I met lots of new people and slept with new people too. It was all new to me because I’d only ever been with one person, whereas even before we met, my husband had already had other relationships.

When I came back, he was back in England too and we got back together. I love him so much. He’s a great father and a great partner. The problem is that he does coke every time there’s a social event. I never used to mind because it was only when we were out or when he was with friends, but now I really hate it. I want to be able to go out with my husband without him messaging his dealer.
He says it helps him in social situations. Sometimes, if he has an important meeting at work with a big client, he’ll do coke to calm himself down. It’s become so normalised that I sometimes forget other people’s husbands aren’t coke addicts. Last night we went to the pub with friends while his parents had the kids. Two drinks in, he was already off to the toilet. When he came back, he was a completely different person. Some of his friends do it too lawyers, finance people and they say they can’t function without it.

He is an amazing dad to our kids (9, 7 and 5 two boys and a girl). They adore him, and I’ve never felt like I’m parenting on my own. His friends, my friends, my family, teachers pretty much everyone around us have commented on what a great father he is. The same goes for being a husband. I can’t fault him. I’ve never felt unloved.

Today I decided to talk to him about the coke. I told him that this year he needs to get help and quit, otherwise he needs to leave the house. I was crying when I said it because it’s not what I want. But seeing him last night, and noticing just how different he is on coke, really hit me. The difference is stark, and I don’t think I’ve ever truly paid attention to it before.

Well you’ve given him an ultimatum so see what he does next I suppose

It’s so normalised in his circle a lot of his friends are very wealthy and spend a lot of money on coke. Even at our wedding I have him the pass to do so he did ask me. Our wedding anniversary, any nice occasion. He goes to watch the football with his friends when it’s a late game at Emirates they support Arsenal and they’re doing well at the minute, he comes home, kids are in bed and I can tell he’s been on it. I don’t get how he functions because then the next day it’s all worn off no “comedown” he’s up been to the gym before I’ve even woken up prepared breakfast for the family and get the kids ready. It’s so odd how high functioning he is.

20 yrs of being a functioning addict I doubt he’ll seek help he says he will but he might not stick to the help given.

These threads usually start with the same thing: he isn’t a great father / partner, he is a drug addict. He keeps secrets and spends family income on it. He will only give up his drug of choice when he wants to.
Would he still be able to work if he is arrested for possession?
Then, the OP is advised that the marriage is over, although there is a small chance if they give up immediately. The OP doesn’t like that & continues blindly, risking everything they’ve worked for.

Please @ThatBlueShaker learn about coke addiction & what it can do to a user & their family.

He’s been an addict for as long as I’ve known him. He doesn’t lie about doing coke he’s always been straight forward about that I’ve never told him not to till now I guess.

Forby anything else he’s snorting family money up his nose. That stuff is expensive. If he’s doing it at work, that’s a full on addiction and that’s never going to end well. It’s no way to live and I 100% think you’ve done the right thing with the ultimatum. Be aware he may choose the drugs though, mine did 😏

You have been underreacting for a long time, OP. This isn’t remotely normal. He’s old enough to know better.

it’s all I’ve known when it comes to him. I think I haven’t been bothered by his addiction because everything he says he’ll do he does.

Sorry in my book drug addicts are not good fathers.

He says it helps him in social situations. Sometimes, if he has an important meeting at work with a big client, he’ll do coke to calm himself down.

It doesn’t calm him down. He’s an addict and he gets withdrawal symptoms. It won’t get better OP.

You can still love him, but from a distance and with sadness. Please untangle yourself and your children from this mess. You’re in danger of normalising use and your children are vulnerable to using because of that.

His behaviour will deteriorate: that’s what this substance does. He can’t stop and he doesn’t really want to. It will ruin his health and your marriage.

It’s awful for you but the PPs here do know the reality.

The 22 years I’ve known him he’s pretty much been in active addiction I guess and last night was the first time I actually noticed how different he is. I’ve always been fine with him doing coke it’s never been a secret that he’s kept, if he goes out with his friends maybe watching football or someone birthday etc.

I want him to try go to seek actual help I said to him if not we will need to separate. He has said that our marriage and children mean more to him but maybe he’s just saying that did the sake of it.

He probably means it when he says it. For those few seconds. 22 years addiction is really ingrained.

I suggest that tomorrow, you contact support groups for people with an addict in the family. You’re going to have to chart a course for yourself and your children and put them first.

It will take you some time to come to terms with the grim reality of what this all means. But the truth is, it’s having a very bad effect on your relationship, on your marriage, on his health and on your children’s welfare. You might wish to think it won’t affect your children, but it really, really does.

I’ve thrown my husband out for this. I knew he took it for big events but it has escalated massively over the years. It isn’t obvious when he is on it, or at least it wasn’t. I can’t even comprehend the amount of money he has wasted and the lying. His health is fucked and he has no job (he got sacked) and no home.
Don’t believe the lies.

22 years is a long time with someone to just write them off. It hasn’t affected our marriage as of yet but seeing him last night is what’s made me want to give him an ultimatum. Our kids adore their father and he’s an active father he loves them, the addiction has yet to stop him from wanting to spend time with his children.

Coke is a social thing for him he’s been at it since he was at boarding school, it was very normalised amongst them at an all boys boarding school.

I want to give him a chance I can’t just write him off when for the past 22 years I’ve never said anything about it.

I guess so.

I just meant physically , him being there , always at our eldest sons hockey games , always spending time with all of them has yet to miss an important event in their lives so far but my kids are still young eldest is only 10.

What lies?

I am very sorry about your husband I hope you’re doing much better.

He isn't a good husband or father, don't delude yourself. Good husbands and fathers don't put coke above everything.

I'm sorry to say that the problem is you've enabled his addiction by marrying him and having children with him while knowing he was an addict. That's sent him a message for 20 years that doing coke is fine and you don't have a problem with it.

Because of this he won't stop because he won't think you're serious. If you want him to stop you'll have to accept your marriage is over, because he won't stop while you stay, I can almost guarantee that.

He needs to hit rock bottom in order to realise he needs to change. For some people that impetus is the end of a marriage, but others don't stop even after losing their spouse and children.

If you don't want your and your children's lives to be dominated by his addiction then unfortunately you need to leave him or tell him to leave. As your children get older they'll see the effects for themselves. Do you want them as adults to think of you letting them grow up in a household with an addicted father? It may help you to be open with his parents and friends why the marriage has ended.

If you stay coke will win.

Heart attack waiting to happen.

I shouldn’t have normalised it. Truth is , it never bothered me, it’s not as of for 22 years he wakes up and does coke first thing in the morning. I can’t just write someone at the one instance I’ve mentioned that I think he’s an addict prior to today I’ve never mentioned it or even had an issue with it. Barely given him a chance.

I personally do believe addicts can change, my older brother was an addict and he’s 10 yrs sober this year, married with children they’re a great family, he’s doing very well.

Do you not think addicts can get sober ? I like to hear other perspectives.

I am not suggesting that you write him off, though I am also not clear what you mean by that.

You would benefit from support groups and from planning out how to protect you children and your finances. You will still love him, but you don’t have to let him take the family down with him.

22 years is a long time to be addicted. It would help to take stock of where you really are in this.

If he gets caught with this he end up in court. The police can test him on the roadside for drug use and he possibly could lose his driving licence.
He using family money for this habit and it's expensive. Your kid's are 9, 7 and 5 and as they get older your expense will go up. If he using this in work to deal with customers or clients what happens if his bosses realise that he high?

Also cocaine has have major effects on your system and you heart rate. I heard a few years ago that a former co worker who I will call John had a stroke. John was a sociable, intelligent man with a good work history. He had several qualifications including various computer courses. I knew he did cocaine the odd time back then.
I think that John had a stroke after taking cocaine. The stoke left one side of his body weaker and slowed down his walk. He was doing contact work when this happened and was let go. He was unemployed when another friend of mine met him. John asked my friend for help with getting a job. He then turned up to an interview late, dirty looking and did poorly at the interview. My friend said I can't ask anyone I know again to give John a chance after he did this. This job was part time but it could have led to more hours in time.

You need to consider long and hard do you stay with your husband if he continues to do this. The reality is that it's effecting his life now because of the cost and it seems he can't manage without it. He doing it in work and every night you go out he doing it.
What happens if he gets a heart arrest or a stroke as a result of this? What happens if he loses his job for being high and saying or doing something that upsets a customer of where he works?

Your were right to tell him what you did, he needs help getting off this and unless he makes changes I would be walking away for both you and your kids sake.

I think some addicts can get sober and remain so, but not many.

I certainly don't believe for a second that a 22 year addict is going to suddenly stop at the request of his wife who has enabled it for that length of time, no.

I think you're deluding yourself if you think that's going to happen. The only thing that might give your husband the impetus to stop is a traumatic event such as a heart attack or stroke, or you leaving him, or being fired from his job.

You asking him to do so, asking him to go to groups or seek help won't have any effect. He might go to one or two, have a couple of nights out without it but he'll be back on it.

This is a man who has used his whole adult life. He doesn't have the mental wherewithal to face normal social situations without it. It would be terrifying for him to do so. That's why I think he won't ever stop while you remain with him.

I've taken lots of coke in my lifetime, my husband too. Thankfully those days are long gone. We moved on, we grew up. I can't think of anything worse now.

Your husband is a serious addict. Him and his friends must be unbearable to be around. Ego central.

And no, he's not a good dad or a good husband. He's acting. Playing a role. The only thing he actually cares about is coke. He'll be doing all sorts to balance it out and lying in the process - pain killers, sleeping pills... he is an addict and a liar. The person you love doesn't exist. It's a character he's created and he acts every day. The amount of money he must have spent is staggering - think of how this could have been used towards your kids' futures.

Yes I believe addicts can get sober, but they have to want to. He doesn't want to. It's you that wants him to.

Sounds like he is self-medicating. He needs to deal with his anxiety and develop new coping mechanisms. That won't happen in a week. What does he say? Does he want to stop?

My parents used to do coke every weekend and it impacted their parenting. They’d be out doing coke and drinking on a Friday and then we weekends they were grumpy, hungover and not pleasant to be around. One parent eventually started smoking crack cocaine which was their rock bottom. My parents split and both stopped taking drugs.

People always assume kids don’t know but I knew that bag of white powder I found when I was looking for something in the house was suss. I knew my parents were coming back high on a weekend. I was writing letters to agony aunts in shout magazine at 11, and by the time I was 15 and it was a full blown addiction I knew I was able to not go to school and no one would notice. So yeah protect your kids. Sounds like he’s going it far to often and it will impact your kids