Struggling with how to respond to DP

[Strategies25]

I’m kind of hesitant to post this as I know everyone will just say ltb.

but I’m really struggling so feel like I’ve got to share my feelings.

DP basically constantly makes me feel like shit. And I really can’t deal with it.

we are a step family which is a nightmare in itself. But we’ve got all our kids tonight and I said we should do something to make it feel special. He said there’s no point as him and his son will go to bed early as they’re doing parkrun tomorrow.

so tonight is basically a normal night with me doing house work and everybody on a device in a different room. I doubt we’ll even say happy new year today or tomorrow.

we never do anything socially together although we do have separate friends. No one ever comes to the house. I said we should invite our next door neighbours round for a drink over Christmas. He said it would be fcking boring and he didn’t want to talk fcking shit to them.

today I’d suggested a family day out to a country park with a great play area the children love. He was silent when I suggested it a few days ago. I invited my brother to come as he is available over Christmas. DP likes my brother but I knew he would somehow take offence that he was coming.

when I said he was coming he said pointedly ‘I’m sure you’ll have a great time.’ Im trying really hard to have direct communication, as I would have normally said: ‘does that mean you’re not coming?’ Instead I said: ‘Are you going to come?’ He didn’t answer me for about 20mins. He was just silent.
he finally said his son would like it so he’d come.

then I was making packed lunches for everyone and he said him and his son wouldn’t have one. I said something about it being a day out. He said in that case I’d have to take a separate car, as he was leaving after an hour.

at this point I had a go at him, as I always try to plan‘family days’ and he always undermines me, and he started mocking me for being ridiculous for getting worked up over a sandwich.

anyway, I could handle all of that, but what was really humiliating was how he completely ignored me all day in front of my brother. I was just so upset and humiliated.

we were doing an assault course, DP managed to do a hard one and landed right in front of me and my brother. I said well done, he didn’t even look at me or acknowledge that I’d spoken.

then when I did one he walked off half way through with the children, and didn’t even wait to watch me finish. My brother stood and waited for me with a really pained embarrassed look on his face.

at one point I helped DP’s son with his coat and ended up carrying it for a bit. DP came up to me to get it, and I gave him both coats - his son’s and my son’s. Then at the next obstacle he put them both on the ground. DP’s son got his, and DP just walked off leaving my son’s coat in the ditch.

once again my brother was really embarrassed and went back to get it.

and all of that has literally been in the last few hours. But that is daily life for me.

I can't believe the audacity and complete lack of respect he shows you in your house that you kindly have allowed him to live in rent free! And his son (his mini me) is just modelling his Dad. I think you need to get your brothers help here and be very firm, he is out by Sunday 6pm etc and mean it (text/email to reiterate). You will bag his belongings etc /change locks and he can hit the road. If he does not leave you will escalate. Be prepared for a love bombing big time but as you already told us that does not last - he reverts to type. Get him out OP- we are all rooting for you. You sound a complete catch and deserve the very best.

I'm going to tell my parents he's moving out. But just three days ago I was saying how amazing our relationship was. And I really don't want to unravel everything for them

@Strategies25 Please don't let this be a reason to remain with your abuser. Would your parents want you to stay in another abusive relationship, just to avoid causing any worries for them? Of course not. You need to tell them.

I’m going to tell my parents he’s moving out. But just three days ago I was saying how amazing our relationship was. And I really don’t want to unravel everything for them.

"Mum, Dad, I've been in denial about how bad <newex> has been to me and my child(ren). On <date>, he dropped my son's coat in a ditch in front of my brother and the scales fell from my eyes in that moment. I've told him to leave by <imminent future date> and asked my brother to be there to make sure he leaves."

They will be relieved because DB has probably told them about the dropped coat already. It is already unravelled for them.

Your reasonable reactions to his behaviour are his fault, not yours. You worry too much about keeping up appearances to people outwith your house and you and your DC are suffering for it.

He is a arse!! Your exh sounds like a nightmare too. And it is not your fault they have both treated you so terribly.

You are under a lot of strain right now. It sounds like you get on well with your brother, can you ask him for help with getting your partner out?

This!!

This!

and also I’m really upset and fearful. I don’t know why he started hating me so much when I’ve tried so hard, and he thought I was so amazing at the beginning.

They always are. If they were awful from the get go it wouldn’t get to the point where you let them move in with you.

He thinks he’s got you where he wants you and can treat you like shit now. Then when he sees you getting fed up he puts on his nice act to reel you back in.

The “nasty” him is who he really is. He just pretends to be nice sometimes bc he has to to keep you sweet - he knows he can only push it too far with you and you hold
the cards with the house.

I can honestly say in 25 years my dh has never been nasty to me. We’ve argued, sure - but he’s never insulted me or tried to deliberately upset me. When I’m happy, he’s happy - so he tries to make me happy. There are good men out there.

Ffs @Strategies25 it’s a new year. Start it by dumping this absolute joy sucking fun sponge out of your life. Stop overthinking it and tell him to go. He’s a pig.

I hope you are safe, with just your own DC in your home now @Strategies25

Hope so too. Just read the whole thread, what an asshole he is.

Hope you are doing well OP.

Thanks for checking in @Meteorite87 I’m not doing that good to be honest. He is moving out and I feel really good about that.

im so unbearably sad about the relationship ending and also how awful it got in the last couple of years.

i really can’t understand it and I just feel really sad.

i don’t have anyone to talk to, and I bottle it all up anyway. My parents are happy he’s moving out and won’t entertain me being sad at the loss of my hopes and dreams

Ah so him moving out has been confirmed, but he is still there. That must make things even more difficult.

It is very good that you refused to tolerate the way he was/is treating you. Be proud of yourself for not letting him continue.

You never did anything to cause him to hate you. You offered him a lovely life in your home.
I am sorry you're struggling.

Your parents and other family like your brother must have sensed what the STBXP was like.
Getting away from him is a huge step towards freedom.

I’m so sorry that you aren’t getting the emotional support you need. Of course it’s sad and upsetting things haven’t wired out 💐

I’m so glad this scum is moving out

Please get him out as soon as you can, OP, and keep safe. When is he going to leave? We are all rooting for you. Freeze or flop is a survival strategy when faced with something ovetwhelmingly threatening and is no shame. You are doing well to tell him to go, get your family to help if you can and he is delaying or if you want to move it forward. Don't worry about being embarrassed in front of them, I am sure they saw the truth of of it and are pleased and happy you are doing something about it. Even if they aren't listening to you express your grief and loss about what you wished, worked and hoped for. Witbout him will be so much better for you and DC.

thanks everyone, regarding the freeze and flop response I’ve actually signed up to martial arts classes as I think that might make me instinctively better at defending myself against blows. So I feel quite happy I’m taking positive action.

he goes in one week.

I’m quite horrified at not reacting when things started getting bad. The main things I was thinking about today were him really defending himself at his rudeness about my job by saying me talking about my job is fucking boring. If he’d said that on our first day when he asked what did I do, I would have actually been frightened because it is a direct attack.

he also mocks my kids, behind their back, but also occasionally to their face. If he had done that the first time he met them I would have been absolutely repulsed and frightened and ran away as fast as I could

Don’t torture yourself, OP.

You had 3 years of good before he revealed his true colours. It’s no wonder that you initially hoped the old him would return and it took a while to accept the true him
is a bastard.

Then you probably switched into survival mode, especially if his abuse did not seem as bad as your previous partner’s. In an abusive relationship, you’re wrestling with the fact that the place where you should be safest (your home) and the person you should be safest with (your partner) become places of fear and danger. The cognitive dissonance that generates is huge.

You had a stake in making it work for a range of reasons and you have seen the light and ended it now.

My big concern is - are you truly safe with him still in the house and can you be sure he will leave? Are there people around to
help you with that, if needed?

He’s crippled with misery feeling he’s not good enough, and, unfortunately for him, he’s right. You’ve got my first LTB.

He doesnt like you, hence the contempt. You're good for a roof over his head, thats all.

Well Done, you did it. How is he taking the break up and last minute crawling to get you back? Any remorse, regret from him? @Strategies25

Once he’s out of your lives , you will feel sad for a while, but that will be followed by a sense of relief that you and your children are no longer treated with contempt by that nasty excuse of a man. You are stronger than you realise; you finally had the strength to say enough is enough; you and your children can live your lives peacefully and you no longer need to feel that he is draining you of your self worth.
Well done!

Hi OP, wishing you the very best as you push on through these last few days. Don't feel guilty about feeling sad. Have a really good cry and get all that stress out your system.

You must have a lot of nervous energy right now and I wonder if you can channel that into packing his stuff? So buy some boxes and start putting his things in them when he's not there/in another room. If you feel it's safe get your children involved as well to really show them that when someone treats them badly they can take the rubbish out. Move it out into the garage if you have one.

Also look at buying new bedding so you can refresh your room once he's gone - there's some good sales on at the moment in John Lewis etc. You have proven in the past that you can do hard things - this is another one you can do!

Do NOT let him abuse your children!!! Sod the week! Get him out NOW!! You’ve gone from one abusive relationship to another!! Please do the women’s aid course to learn how not to get into this situation again!!