Struggling with how to respond to DP

[Strategies25]

I’m kind of hesitant to post this as I know everyone will just say ltb.

but I’m really struggling so feel like I’ve got to share my feelings.

DP basically constantly makes me feel like shit. And I really can’t deal with it.

we are a step family which is a nightmare in itself. But we’ve got all our kids tonight and I said we should do something to make it feel special. He said there’s no point as him and his son will go to bed early as they’re doing parkrun tomorrow.

so tonight is basically a normal night with me doing house work and everybody on a device in a different room. I doubt we’ll even say happy new year today or tomorrow.

we never do anything socially together although we do have separate friends. No one ever comes to the house. I said we should invite our next door neighbours round for a drink over Christmas. He said it would be fcking boring and he didn’t want to talk fcking shit to them.

today I’d suggested a family day out to a country park with a great play area the children love. He was silent when I suggested it a few days ago. I invited my brother to come as he is available over Christmas. DP likes my brother but I knew he would somehow take offence that he was coming.

when I said he was coming he said pointedly ‘I’m sure you’ll have a great time.’ Im trying really hard to have direct communication, as I would have normally said: ‘does that mean you’re not coming?’ Instead I said: ‘Are you going to come?’ He didn’t answer me for about 20mins. He was just silent.
he finally said his son would like it so he’d come.

then I was making packed lunches for everyone and he said him and his son wouldn’t have one. I said something about it being a day out. He said in that case I’d have to take a separate car, as he was leaving after an hour.

at this point I had a go at him, as I always try to plan‘family days’ and he always undermines me, and he started mocking me for being ridiculous for getting worked up over a sandwich.

anyway, I could handle all of that, but what was really humiliating was how he completely ignored me all day in front of my brother. I was just so upset and humiliated.

we were doing an assault course, DP managed to do a hard one and landed right in front of me and my brother. I said well done, he didn’t even look at me or acknowledge that I’d spoken.

then when I did one he walked off half way through with the children, and didn’t even wait to watch me finish. My brother stood and waited for me with a really pained embarrassed look on his face.

at one point I helped DP’s son with his coat and ended up carrying it for a bit. DP came up to me to get it, and I gave him both coats - his son’s and my son’s. Then at the next obstacle he put them both on the ground. DP’s son got his, and DP just walked off leaving my son’s coat in the ditch.

once again my brother was really embarrassed and went back to get it.

and all of that has literally been in the last few hours. But that is daily life for me.

If he starts asking for ‘another chance’, remind him he had countless days to decide to treat you better, and chose not to. That ship has sailed. And if he claims that it was because of how you are/your fault - then the relationship doesn’t work, and is over. Nothing he can say now, makes this OK. Watch him twist and turn, flip flop between begging and snarling - but get him gone. Freedom awaits!

You need to get rid of him, that’s it.

He’s a nasty, spiteful person who doesn’t care about upsetting you - there’s really nothing more to it. You sound far too nice and lacking in backbone which is the type of woman these men usually target (or train over time to be that way).

Oh, he sounds like a textbook narcissist too.

He hates you. You live with and understand yourself to be in a relationship with a man who hates you. Do you see that? Your children must be in despair watching all this. You may have ended it but I don’t think you’ll follow through, I think he will talk you round. I’d love to be wrong but I don’t think I am.

but his son really disrespects me in a way that is embarrassing. And my dc are really angry about it all. My son said how can you date someone who doesn’t even talk to you.

Awful that your dc’s are aware of this and having to see their dm treated like shit. Get him out asap. Then enjoy your peaceful life! You’ll probably stop needing therapy too.

He is a complete wanker. Tell him to get out of your house.
How dare he treat you like that when he is living in your home.
Make this year about you and your kids.

He's not remotely different to your ex. He's just a lot more subtle in the way he abuses you – gaslighting, using coercive control, emotional bullying. Insidious, toxic manipulation.

When I started reading your posts, I thought you might actually be my NDN. Gorgeous, lovely, kind-hearted woman who has two children and an amazing job (think barrister-level career) but is in a relationship with the most horrible, narcissistic, gaslighting bully who presents a gregarious front to the outside world but is vile to her indoors. We no longer speak to him (he's fallen out with all the neighbours) but I've made it clear to her she can always flee to ours if she needs a bolthole. Now they are moving and I will never stop worrying about what will happen to her and her DC if she stays with him.

Text book narcissist. He will NEVER change, he will find another victim.

Can you see yourself still in this relationship in five or ten years with this abusive, nasty disrespectful person? You’ll not just feel flattened, you’ll be an empty shell of yourself. You really do need to sort this situation out for yourself and your dc sake.

Gosh they sound like my ex! You will be SO much happier and better off without him, and your kids will too.

He will try and be nice and possibly change but this will only be temporary, it never lasts! It's not your responsibility where he goes next so don't feel bad in any way. He is a grown man and can figure that one out himself.

The silent treatment is never ok, please keep telling yourself that. It's an abusive tactic and please don't try to minimise what you have been through. It was nice in the beginning, it always is, because if abusers showed who they were straight away, nobody would ever go out with them. Please please please let go of the idea it could go back to that because it won't. I really hope you make the right choice.

OP, well done for telling him you want to end things (even if he "forced your hand" you still did it).

I just wanted to say, over the next few days / weeks you will likely have feelings of regret. DO NOT ACT ON THEM. Remember how this horrible man has made you feel. Remember the utter embarrassment you are feeling, that you have been in a relationship with someone like this. Going back to him will not make things better. It's not true that "you'll never find someone else" or "better the devil you know" or anything else you may tell yourself.

I say this because I've done it and so have many other smart, wonderful women. Please, learn from us and DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM, do not allow yourself to think "maybe I made a mistake, maybe things might be different next time". THEY WON'T. Getting back might feel wonderful for about two weeks but this will happen again, and again, and chip away at your own self esteem as you put up with more and more.

If what I've just said doesn't resonate, fair enough, and well done. But I wanted to say it, in case it does.

And do find your nearest Freedom Programme and do it.

I wish you all the luck in the world xx

Please don't let him wheedle his way back. He's shown his true colours. You don't deserve his bad treatment. Every time he gives sad eyes etc look at your post and the replies.

Stand firm. He's not a good man, his son is a chip off the old block. Cast both aside for your own family.a

Also recommend the Why she stayed podcast, especially 17 May 2024 episode

Call your brother. I don’t think he will be surprised. Ask him to help you. Get rid of this useless man!

OP, he's acting. Him being nice and wanting to cuddle, it's all an act. And if you let him stay, trust me, he will absolutely launch into you because he will know you want rid of him and he will equally know that he can get round you. But he will make your life a living hell.

It doesn't matter what he says. Grey rock, just keep repeating, 'I want you to leave by tomorrow' (or whatever day you've decided). Nothing else. Don't let him engage you in conversation because he thinks you are weak and that he can manipulate you. You've done so well up to now, just get rid of him and then you can breathe.

He's not acknowledging your work successes because he's jealous, by the way. And he might even try sabotaging future work do's. Get him gone.

Stay strong Op, he ignores you and treats you like shit. Now you've said it's over, he's all nice and loving! Ask him to leave and change the locks. X

I echo the advice from previous posters to have your brother in the house when you deliver the news and set a date for to moving out. Your bro has seen exactly how this man treats you and will want to support you.

This bloke sounds as if he has got major issues......but that's not your concern. Put your children first and get out of this relationship now OP. Tell him to go as soon as you can.....he sounds vile.

Please push on through, of course he's trying to wind you back in. He doesn't want to move & is probably getting a really good (if not free?) deal living in your house.
You are nearly there. Get him gone.
Your description of him sucking the life out of every effort you make is heartbreaking.
He tries to sabotage your work, he is jealous, he actually hates you. He is training his kid to disrespect you
even your kids can see how vile he is to you.
Tell him he is gone, this w/e.

Get him out asap OP. He's going to turn nasty when he realises the fake charm and sad face aren't working. You obviously have a caring family...tell them and make it real, I'm sure they'd want to support you.

So when is he leaving?
sooner the better x

Oh God, what a cunt he is. He’s absolutely horrible. Your h is meant to support you, not knock you down.

Please ask him to leave. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER.

You clearly didn’t go and do the counselling and the women’s aid courses to learn about domestic abuse and how not to get involved with an abusive man again!
PLEASE get this horrible abusive man out of you and your children’s lives! For them if not for yourself and contact women’s aid and get a counsellor

He loathes and hates you. He absolutely hates you. He doesn't love you and is simply with you for a place to stay. That's all. Even flat mates are kinder to each other and more friendlier than this. He absolutely hates and loathes the bones out of you. You have no relationship, and probably never did, because I think he was just looking for a free place to stay. Tell him to get out tomorrow. It's you house. Tell him to get out, and change the locks after. He has no right to be there if you tell him to leave. It's not his house, it's yours. He is a guest in your house. And you want him to leave. So do it today.