Struggling with how to respond to DP

[Strategies25]

I’m kind of hesitant to post this as I know everyone will just say ltb.

but I’m really struggling so feel like I’ve got to share my feelings.

DP basically constantly makes me feel like shit. And I really can’t deal with it.

we are a step family which is a nightmare in itself. But we’ve got all our kids tonight and I said we should do something to make it feel special. He said there’s no point as him and his son will go to bed early as they’re doing parkrun tomorrow.

so tonight is basically a normal night with me doing house work and everybody on a device in a different room. I doubt we’ll even say happy new year today or tomorrow.

we never do anything socially together although we do have separate friends. No one ever comes to the house. I said we should invite our next door neighbours round for a drink over Christmas. He said it would be fcking boring and he didn’t want to talk fcking shit to them.

today I’d suggested a family day out to a country park with a great play area the children love. He was silent when I suggested it a few days ago. I invited my brother to come as he is available over Christmas. DP likes my brother but I knew he would somehow take offence that he was coming.

when I said he was coming he said pointedly ‘I’m sure you’ll have a great time.’ Im trying really hard to have direct communication, as I would have normally said: ‘does that mean you’re not coming?’ Instead I said: ‘Are you going to come?’ He didn’t answer me for about 20mins. He was just silent.
he finally said his son would like it so he’d come.

then I was making packed lunches for everyone and he said him and his son wouldn’t have one. I said something about it being a day out. He said in that case I’d have to take a separate car, as he was leaving after an hour.

at this point I had a go at him, as I always try to plan‘family days’ and he always undermines me, and he started mocking me for being ridiculous for getting worked up over a sandwich.

anyway, I could handle all of that, but what was really humiliating was how he completely ignored me all day in front of my brother. I was just so upset and humiliated.

we were doing an assault course, DP managed to do a hard one and landed right in front of me and my brother. I said well done, he didn’t even look at me or acknowledge that I’d spoken.

then when I did one he walked off half way through with the children, and didn’t even wait to watch me finish. My brother stood and waited for me with a really pained embarrassed look on his face.

at one point I helped DP’s son with his coat and ended up carrying it for a bit. DP came up to me to get it, and I gave him both coats - his son’s and my son’s. Then at the next obstacle he put them both on the ground. DP’s son got his, and DP just walked off leaving my son’s coat in the ditch.

once again my brother was really embarrassed and went back to get it.

and all of that has literally been in the last few hours. But that is daily life for me.

Whatever you do, don't fall for it.
It's perfectly normal to leave a level 10 abuser then go into a relationship with a level 7 abuser, btw. Have you read Lundy Bancroft? All the answers are in his book.

Don't fall for it OP, tell him to get packing!

People like him aren't your team-mate. They see themselves as your rival. He hates that you own your house and are successful at your job. I bet he ruins every Christmas and birthday as well, doesn't he? Can't handle someone else having attention. His son is horrible to you because he's learned how to treat women at his father's knee.

Ignore his sweet talking. He despises you. Get him gone today. Get your brother over to help you throw him out.

OP, if you were literally begging him on your knees, that really is not normal. I think counselling would benefit you because you need to understand why you have endured such appalling behaviour for so long and why this is your second abusive relationship.

He's abusing you. Just because this abuse is different from the last doesn't make it less abusive. Abuse comes in lots of different forms.

He's actively sabotaging you. He is emotionally abusive. He gaslight you. Now you've said your done He's going to love bomb you and try to manipulate you.

He won't change. We'll He might but it won't be sustained change. He's not changing because he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you. He knows he's hurting you remember you've been on your knees being him to change and acknowledge you and he's chosen not to. If he changes for the next few weeks, it will just be in order to manipulate you to get back in your box, because he doesn't want his life to change and he wants you you continue to do your maid, nanny role.

He’s a master manipulator just sometimes his true mask appears. Ignoring someone you love, live with and are in a partnership with is one of the worst ways to abuse them.

Well, of course he's sad. He's living in your house with you running after him, behaving as badly as he wants. The danger for you as I understand it is that he will start acting ways that you love so that you forgive him. Don't fall for it. Your children recognise how bad, your feelings recognise how bad it is. He even provoked you into saying that you want to split when you weren't ready to so he could continue.

But I genuinely don’t know how to do things differently

ok op. So I would consider myself a person with healthy boundaries. I think I probably give off ‘you dont treat me like shit’ vibes anyway, but if I didn’t, the very first time he behaved in any one way of your details in your op, I would have ended the relationship. That isn’t acceptable to me. You either make me happy and treat me respectfully, or I’ll rather be single. There is enormous power in being happy single, you can walk away always.

This vile man doesn’t even like you op, he is simply using you for your home. That isn’t on you, and is no reflection of you; just of how awful he is.

Have your brother there, and tell him today to move out. If he is horrible back to you, the worse he is, the happier you can be k owing it’s the last time anyone will speak to you like that.

you’ve got this 💪

Cause he's a cocklodger. He can go to his mum's or something since she raised such a peach.

Kick him out today. Don’t back down and fall for his lies.

Abusers can be quite plausible to those in the outside world.

He targeted you deliberately to abuse you. He sensed vulnerability that he has indeed further go into exploit and use against you. He likely also went to learn that you had been in a previous abusive relationship too.

Such men too can and do target single mothers because they think that these women are so desperate for male company that they’d put up with any old shit.

Do not fall for his apparent niceness now, this is a hoovering attempt to draw you back in.

Please enrol yourself on to the Freedom Programme and tell your son this man is never coming back into your lives ever again. Be on your own with your child, better than to be so badly accompanied. Do also read the Lundy Bancroft book and get therapy to repair your boundaries which have already been weakened by previous abuse.

That’s really helpful thank you!

and you do need to read this too.

Op I am so sorry if this comes out wrong but are you worried about your family finding out you are in another abusive relationship? As in do you feel they will judge you? Because they won’t. They love you. They are already probably worried about you. Abusive men like your P ‘get away’ with it because of secrecy and shame of the abused partner. The best thing you can do is shine the biggest fucking torch on your relationship and let those closest to you know exactly what it is like and what he is putting you through. Then they can help you get out. You would for your loved ones wouldn’t you? Get him out today so you can really start the new year in a positive way with nobody around who will suck away your self esteem and make you doubt yourself.

Op , get this abusive loser in the bin. Nobody likes him, not your family, not your work mates, nobody. And he certainly doesn’t like you. He despises you, and he makes it clear in every single choice he makes. He’s intentionally hammering you into the ground and making you feel like shit so he feels better about his horrific personal insecurities. But that’s not your problem.

you have already wasted SIX YEARS of your life on this piece of shit loser. Imagine if it was your child being treated like this by somebody that claimed to love them, consider the standard you are setting to them for future relationships ..…. Use that sheet to find your strength and get him out of your house TODAY. Like get rid. Where’s is going to go? NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Get him in the bin and start your new year by blocking him on every single platform.

he’s the worst type of parasite , stop him draining you.

Oh OP. Just get out. He's awful.

Sending you strength OP, so glad it's your house so you can demand that this cocklodging abuser and his son leave immediately. If you feel vulnerable ask your brother and /or parents to be there too to support you. Don't listen to any sob stories or attempts to make out you are overreacting, everyone on here supports you and can see how vile he is. Good luck, this really can be the start of a Happy New Year for you!

He sounds like an abusive bully. You don't need to put up with behaviour like this AT ALL. Teach your kids it's ok to walk away from a relationship when its abusive and you are unhappy in it.

Don't worry about what anyone else thinks, their opinion doesn't matter. It sounded like your brother was supportive of you. I'm sure he wouldn't mind helping if you needed it.

I really don't understand why some men are angry abusive arseholes and expect woman to put up with that kind of behaviour. Get rid as soon as, don't let them walk all over you.

Of course he is! Please stay strong and make him leave today. Reading how he treats you has really upset me. It's the first day of the new year. Please make it the first day of a new happy life for you and your kids 💐

He’s a disrespectful, sulky manchild. Reading back what you have written should make you see that he’s the problem, not you. Tell him how you feel and then make him leave. It won’t be easy but worth it in the long run. He doesn’t care about you and your kids.

Well done for ending it! Now stay strong. Please please call your brother or another relative to come and help. Main bag packed and gone today and set a date (next weekend?) for rest of stuff to be collected again with a relative present. Locks changed today. Ring doorbell or equivalent if you feel unsafe.
Do not fall for the loving behaviour now. He showed his true colours to your brother and your work colleagues at the event you attended so everyone is aware and supporting you. Good luck x

Get rid of him today. It would be ridiculous to let him stay until the end of the month.

@Strategies25 well done. You've taken the first step to a new peaceful life.
Now get this snivelling little bully and his mini me packed and out of your house.
Stand firm. You can do this.

And if he threatens to kill himself ignore him, he is only wanting to keep abusing you.