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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling with how to respond to DP

223 replies

Strategies25 · 31/12/2025 18:16

I’m kind of hesitant to post this as I know everyone will just say ltb.

but I’m really struggling so feel like I’ve got to share my feelings.

DP basically constantly makes me feel like shit. And I really can’t deal with it.

we are a step family which is a nightmare in itself. But we’ve got all our kids tonight and I said we should do something to make it feel special. He said there’s no point as him and his son will go to bed early as they’re doing parkrun tomorrow.

so tonight is basically a normal night with me doing house work and everybody on a device in a different room. I doubt we’ll even say happy new year today or tomorrow.

we never do anything socially together although we do have separate friends. No one ever comes to the house. I said we should invite our next door neighbours round for a drink over Christmas. He said it would be fcking boring and he didn’t want to talk fcking shit to them.

today I’d suggested a family day out to a country park with a great play area the children love. He was silent when I suggested it a few days ago. I invited my brother to come as he is available over Christmas. DP likes my brother but I knew he would somehow take offence that he was coming.

when I said he was coming he said pointedly ‘I’m sure you’ll have a great time.’ Im trying really hard to have direct communication, as I would have normally said: ‘does that mean you’re not coming?’ Instead I said: ‘Are you going to come?’ He didn’t answer me for about 20mins. He was just silent.
he finally said his son would like it so he’d come.

then I was making packed lunches for everyone and he said him and his son wouldn’t have one. I said something about it being a day out. He said in that case I’d have to take a separate car, as he was leaving after an hour.

at this point I had a go at him, as I always try to plan‘family days’ and he always undermines me, and he started mocking me for being ridiculous for getting worked up over a sandwich.

anyway, I could handle all of that, but what was really humiliating was how he completely ignored me all day in front of my brother. I was just so upset and humiliated.

we were doing an assault course, DP managed to do a hard one and landed right in front of me and my brother. I said well done, he didn’t even look at me or acknowledge that I’d spoken.

then when I did one he walked off half way through with the children, and didn’t even wait to watch me finish. My brother stood and waited for me with a really pained embarrassed look on his face.

at one point I helped DP’s son with his coat and ended up carrying it for a bit. DP came up to me to get it, and I gave him both coats - his son’s and my son’s. Then at the next obstacle he put them both on the ground. DP’s son got his, and DP just walked off leaving my son’s coat in the ditch.

once again my brother was really embarrassed and went back to get it.

and all of that has literally been in the last few hours. But that is daily life for me.

OP posts:
Sicario · 31/12/2025 21:18

You're under no obligation to give him any notice. You don't owe him an explanation either.

A simple "this isn't working for me any more and I want you to move out" will suffice.

Of course he will then go through the usual stages of trying to make you change your mind, then getting angry when you don't capitulate, so brace yourself.

And the moment he shows you any hint of abusive behaviour, verbal or otherwise, you call the police and have him removed like the parasite that he is.

There's a much better future waiting for you out there.

Gasbox · 31/12/2025 21:38

Please don't try to deal with this alone OP, if you're going to ask him to leave I really think you should have some back up. You just never know how these situations might escalate and, without wanting to sound melodramatic, a bit of embarrassment is nothing compared to possible physical harm. You have too much to lose to risk it, your DC need you in one piece.

You either need to tell your whole family and get as many of them round as possible when you tell him or you need to speak to Women's Aid and make a proper safety plan, maybe the police too. The contempt he's showing you is worrying, coupled with suddenly finding himself minus a roof over his head and his convenient victim to bully and belittle and it's a recipe for his abuse to escalate.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 31/12/2025 21:41

VoltaireMittyDream · 31/12/2025 18:44

This makes it logistically so much easier, OP.

He may be angry and resentful but that’s not your responsibility.

I can’t believe men aren’t embarrassed of themselves when they behave like this. It’s such a shocking lack of basic healthy social shame.

I really do think there should be an elite corps of Mumsnet LTB operatives who could stage interventions to liberate women who have been ground down over years in shitty relationships. Escort the cocklodging / controlling / abusive / cheating / chronically petulant and arsey manchild off the premises and pack his shit up and secure the house and sort the logistics of separation while plying the newly emancipated MNer cups of tea and pep talks and stocking up her fridge and freezer.

I would absolutely donate to a fund to set this service up.

Show quote history

I would volunteer as a Mumsnet LTB operative.

arcticpandas · 31/12/2025 21:43

Strategies25 · 31/12/2025 18:49

I’m really glad I posted tonight, but really horrified too. As that was literally me recounting the last couple of hours. Whereas if someone asked me I’d say we had a really nice day.
and I’d probably forget how bad I felt.

our relationship was great at the beginning and I guess I keep hoping I can get back there.

everyone loves him and thinks he’s the kindest nicest man ever.

but his son really disrespects me in a way that is embarrassing. And my dc are really angry about it all. My son said how can you date someone who doesn’t even talk to you.

I guess I genuinely thought at the beginning I was showing my dc a good relationship.

but he’s rude about me to his children, and makes himself out to be the hapless victim to his family.

It gets worse I see. You do NOT want your children to witness you being treated like shit so if not for you- leave him for your children.

Purplecatshopaholic · 31/12/2025 21:45

Good grief op, he’s a shit and you need to get rid. You can do sooo much better. Raise your bar and stop putting up with his crap. Get rid of this selfish, inconsiderate loser and be happy.

dupemethrice · 31/12/2025 21:47

He’s a child. Emotionally immature selfish and rude. Anyone who gives the silent treatment doesn’t deserve a relationship

MissBridgetJones · 31/12/2025 21:49

@VoltaireMittyDream

I am in. Tell me more about the plans for a crack team of Liberators that will be assembled. Love your work so far! HNY!

Gasbox · 31/12/2025 21:52

MissBridgetJones · 31/12/2025 21:49

@VoltaireMittyDream

I am in. Tell me more about the plans for a crack team of Liberators that will be assembled. Love your work so far! HNY!

Me too, would it be weird to say that would actually be my dream job?

BeepBoopBop · 31/12/2025 22:01

Can I join too? I’ll do his packing!

OP, you do not have to live like this. You weee embarrassed in front of your brother because you knew it was wrong. It IS wrong, it is very wrong. And if he turns it back on you, he is gaslighting. Calling you mental - gaslighting. Calling you ridiculous - gaslighting. The biggest gaslighters are narcissists. They are the most cunning, manipulative and spiteful of people. Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder and see how many boxes he ticks. And even if he isn’t, bloody well get rid. He is a thoroughly nasty piece of work. Don’t wait till he starts on your children, although he is already with the coat scenario. That was to make your son feel less than. Do it for you, but most of all your children.

Dweetfidilove · 31/12/2025 22:09

Strategies25 · 31/12/2025 18:33

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat I really don’t know except telling my parents to help me really.

We’ve been together for 6 years and I’ve been having counselling for 3 years. In a way I’m wondering if that’s been enabling me to stay longer. And I’m frustrated it hasn’t helped me with demanding more respect.

Show quote history

@AttilaTheMeerkat is correct re the example he is setting and if you stay long enough, the children will have no respect for you either.
He is so contemptuous of you, he can't even fake it in front of your brother.

You are fortunate enough to have family thst cares for you and will help you. Please let them help you make the break.

jeremyclarksonsthirdnipple · 31/12/2025 22:13

Bet you a pound to a penny your parents already know..your brother will have said something.I bet they are waiting for your call and are waiting to support you.

gamerchick · 31/12/2025 22:16

Strategies25 · 31/12/2025 19:06

We don’t have our dc this weekend so I could do it then and say move out by end of Jan.

I’m worried he’ll say I’m being ridiculous- or as he’s said in the past f*cking mental to have an issue over nothing.

I’m really dreading him being horrible to me but I couldn’t face the shame of saying it in front of anyone. I’d rather they see I’ve got it all worked out for myself

It doesn't matter OP

Look, tell your brother you want him out and would he be there.

Tell your now ex that he's not welcome in your home and he can fuck off now please.

You'll feel like shit for a few days and then you'll feel lighter.

Chasbots · 31/12/2025 22:18

Yep, I would enjoy being a liberator. Little pricks of men grinding women down are just so weak when push comes to shove…

Wellretired · 31/12/2025 22:26

OhRight7 · 31/12/2025 19:12

Demanding more respect from someone that is incapable of giving it to you would be a waste of energy. Instead focus on the huge lack of respect you have for yourself by allowing this man to continue to treat you so badly. He’s shown you who he is, believe him and kick him out.
Not only is he treating you terribly, he’s teaching his own child to and it won’t be long before your own kids start to lose respect for you too and your own relationship with your kids break down.
You need to get rid of him and just focus on building your self esteem again. Life is too short to live in a miserable existence with someone that doesn’t actually love you. His behaviour is the opposite of love…

Show quote history

This!!

ChikinLikin · 31/12/2025 22:29

Tell him to leave this weekend, with support from your brother and parents.
He is a nasty man who will seriously damage your son's self esteem and mental health if he stays any longer.

ManchesterGirl2 · 31/12/2025 22:36

Strategies25 · 31/12/2025 19:06

We don’t have our dc this weekend so I could do it then and say move out by end of Jan.

I’m worried he’ll say I’m being ridiculous- or as he’s said in the past f*cking mental to have an issue over nothing.

I’m really dreading him being horrible to me but I couldn’t face the shame of saying it in front of anyone. I’d rather they see I’ve got it all worked out for myself

So what if he says you're "ridiculous" or "fucking mental"? That's just verbal abuse, i.e. more evidence that you are doing the right thing for yourself and your children by leaving

Onemorechristmas · 31/12/2025 22:36

Just hopping on to say good luck, OP! If you don’t manage to do it for yourself only, please do it for your children. What a horrible way to live

WigglywagglyWanda · 31/12/2025 22:42

Oh god op. I thought this was going to be like a lot of other threads this time of year with folk complaining about their husbands having a sulky fit. The afternoon you describe made me have goosebumps as it is so similar to what I went through years ago with ny ex.

It wasnt one afternoon where he was in a bit of a bad mood though. Its been like that for a long time, and you have been the boiled frog dealing with it and getting therapy when this is something being done to YOU😡

I bet your brother was itching to say something, you saw his expression that he was very embarrassed and uncomfortable, and that shite of a partner had no respect for you, behaving like that. I mean how utterly childish throwing your sons coat on the ground.

Yep. Get yourself geared up this weekend, if you dont want anyone there at least tell your brother and have him a phone call away in case you need him.

I dont know that id give him till the end of January, probably a couple of days to pack, because it gives him carte blanche to make you feel youre being unreasonable, and you aren't.

Please do carry this through, I hate the jumping to LTB that happens here too often but in this case its warranted.

findingjoy22 · 31/12/2025 22:45

Hard to read. I literally cringe since it reminds me of my ex DH. I used to feel like I could be hit by car and he would have stepped over my dead body without flinching.

getting out is an inside job, work on your self esteem. Figure out a way to find contentment and peace regardless of him. Do what you need to preserve your soul.

LeDix · 31/12/2025 22:46

You don’t need his permission to end it.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 31/12/2025 22:47

Strategies25 · 31/12/2025 19:06

We don’t have our dc this weekend so I could do it then and say move out by end of Jan.

I’m worried he’ll say I’m being ridiculous- or as he’s said in the past f*cking mental to have an issue over nothing.

I’m really dreading him being horrible to me but I couldn’t face the shame of saying it in front of anyone. I’d rather they see I’ve got it all worked out for myself

I’m worried he’ll say I’m being ridiculous- or as he’s said in the past f*cking mental to have an issue over nothing.

This is a silencing tactic that also serves to make you doubt yourself.

MeTooOverHere · 31/12/2025 22:51

The nerve of him - living in your house and behaving like he owns it.

waterrat · 31/12/2025 23:02

hi op

It's interesting that you say you wanted the counselling to get you to a point where he treated you better. What the counselling COULD achieve is you leaving him and accepting/ believing you don't need him and do not need to be treated like this - and that you have plenty of choices in this life.

You are still trying to change him. You can only change yourself.

You even in one of your posts talk about his reaction to you leaving - who cares? It doesn't matter if he accepts it or agrees with your view - that's the point of leaving.

You get to begin again - new life, happy life, days out without him glaring at you or ignoring you

that is the choice you have for you and your children.

You could have spent that day out happily enjoying your kids and your family - it's up to you if you decide to live the future in a better way or not.

waterrat · 31/12/2025 23:03

I have to say you sound very scared of him - I wonder do you need support to ensure you really do leave? HIs opinion should not be relevant - get your situation sorted, know what steps you are taking then go - don't wait around for a big row or to take the response from him.

99bottlesofkombucha · 31/12/2025 23:06

Strategies25 · 31/12/2025 19:06

We don’t have our dc this weekend so I could do it then and say move out by end of Jan.

I’m worried he’ll say I’m being ridiculous- or as he’s said in the past f*cking mental to have an issue over nothing.

I’m really dreading him being horrible to me but I couldn’t face the shame of saying it in front of anyone. I’d rather they see I’ve got it all worked out for myself

Once he’s left he never ever needs to step foot in your house again and can never ever be horrible to you in your own house or encourage his son to be. Do it this weekend, get him OUT. Tell him you’ve realised it sound be healthier for everyone if his utter contempt for you and your kids (he dropped your sons jacket and walked off from it, he literally hates your kids?) never ever comes in your house or life again and the only way to do that is that he leaves, immediately.

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