Struggling with how to respond to DP

[Strategies25]

I’m kind of hesitant to post this as I know everyone will just say ltb.

but I’m really struggling so feel like I’ve got to share my feelings.

DP basically constantly makes me feel like shit. And I really can’t deal with it.

we are a step family which is a nightmare in itself. But we’ve got all our kids tonight and I said we should do something to make it feel special. He said there’s no point as him and his son will go to bed early as they’re doing parkrun tomorrow.

so tonight is basically a normal night with me doing house work and everybody on a device in a different room. I doubt we’ll even say happy new year today or tomorrow.

we never do anything socially together although we do have separate friends. No one ever comes to the house. I said we should invite our next door neighbours round for a drink over Christmas. He said it would be fcking boring and he didn’t want to talk fcking shit to them.

today I’d suggested a family day out to a country park with a great play area the children love. He was silent when I suggested it a few days ago. I invited my brother to come as he is available over Christmas. DP likes my brother but I knew he would somehow take offence that he was coming.

when I said he was coming he said pointedly ‘I’m sure you’ll have a great time.’ Im trying really hard to have direct communication, as I would have normally said: ‘does that mean you’re not coming?’ Instead I said: ‘Are you going to come?’ He didn’t answer me for about 20mins. He was just silent.
he finally said his son would like it so he’d come.

then I was making packed lunches for everyone and he said him and his son wouldn’t have one. I said something about it being a day out. He said in that case I’d have to take a separate car, as he was leaving after an hour.

at this point I had a go at him, as I always try to plan‘family days’ and he always undermines me, and he started mocking me for being ridiculous for getting worked up over a sandwich.

anyway, I could handle all of that, but what was really humiliating was how he completely ignored me all day in front of my brother. I was just so upset and humiliated.

we were doing an assault course, DP managed to do a hard one and landed right in front of me and my brother. I said well done, he didn’t even look at me or acknowledge that I’d spoken.

then when I did one he walked off half way through with the children, and didn’t even wait to watch me finish. My brother stood and waited for me with a really pained embarrassed look on his face.

at one point I helped DP’s son with his coat and ended up carrying it for a bit. DP came up to me to get it, and I gave him both coats - his son’s and my son’s. Then at the next obstacle he put them both on the ground. DP’s son got his, and DP just walked off leaving my son’s coat in the ditch.

once again my brother was really embarrassed and went back to get it.

and all of that has literally been in the last few hours. But that is daily life for me.

The thing is, it doesn’t sound as if he likes you, or cares how you feel, and he doesn’t care about your DC. You’ve bent over backwards to be nice, and it hasn’t worked. You’ll be doing everyone a favour to call an end to it now.
It is terrible for your DC to see you constantly belittled, and to be around a man who has no respect or care for you.
It’s like ripping off a plaster, you know you have to do it, it will hurt, so it’s best done quickly. Don’t drag this out.

keep resolve op and get him out. He’s vile!

Yes all of that is true and he’s living here for free.

He was trying really hard yesterday and today to be a really caring reasonable nice guy.

but he said two horrible comments to me in front of my dc. I would have normally laughed them off to save face in front of my children. Instead I didn’t do anything.

what I was trying to get help for at counselling was the fact that I just cannot respond when people are rude to me. There is nothing there. I know objectively it’s bad but I just can’t summon up a response. I’ve heard it described as freeze or flop which is an alternative trauma response to fight or flight. I literally just flop over dead every time.

I guess I know that now, but it’s instinctive, and knowing that hasn’t made it any easier to change.

I’m going to tell my parents he’s moving out. But just three days ago I was saying how amazing our relationship was. And I really don’t want to unravel everything for them.

and also I’m really upset and fearful. I don’t know why he started hating me so much when I’ve tried so hard, and he thought I was so amazing at the beginning.

just to put things in perspective I’ve had over 10 emails in the last 24 hours from my ex demanding money and manipulating our custody schedule to have the children more. And I’m trying to follow through on getting my partner to move out. And it’s my son’s birthday this weekend so I’m trying to organise presents and party and make that a nice time for him.

The bit about being worried about unraveling everything for your parents - that's important OP. You're pushing on and coping with everything to stop other people feeling bad. Your parents, your STBX, your ex and your DC, all whilst you are going through something horrendous. Your STBX is being a total bastard to you, and you're trying to work out what you have done wrong to make him act like this? Nothing. You did nothing, you are not responsible for his behaviour. You didn't stop being perfect.

This likely relates to your freeze/flop too, I wonder if fawning is in there too. Have you always been hyper responsible? Always tried really hard to keep others happy? 'Fix' yourself?

I'm not judging or being critical, I totally get it.

Op, your parents already know he’s treated you like garbage. Your brother knows, your friends know. Everybody knows and you are stuff there smiling and nodding frantically telling them you are SO happy and he’s SO great but they all know. They see it with their own eyes, he’s a fucking monster.

@Strategies25 you are not responsible for how other people feel. Your only responsibility atm is to YOURSELF and your DC. The ex and the stbx are irrelevant. Get rid of the current abuser, see your solicitor and let him deal with the ex. Admit to your parents that you’re v unhappy, tell the truth. Get any support you can from friends and family.

Some posters have said your parents will absolutely support you. They may or they may not. If they don't, it's a them issue. My family didn't support me to leave abusive ex and that was a them issue too. You will never feel certain you've got this right until you're out of there, because that's what abusers do - they just attack and undermine you until you don't know what's true any more. You will not regret getting rid of this parasite and finding your peace.

Ops parents helped and supported op leaving a previous abusive relationship - I think that’s why posters are assuming they would again. I also think that is partially why it is hard for op because she feels as though it is her fault she is in another abusive relationship and doesn’t want to let her family know. She, wrongly, possibly feels shame or embarrassment for being in this position again.

Sorry Op for talking about you as though you are not here! It is not your fault the way your stbx is behaving. That is a fault within him that you cannot fix and nor should you or your dc have to live with. Please lean on your loved ones. You have a lot going on at the moment - let somebody look out for you and care for you whilst you navigate all of this

Yeah. They're just waiting and hoping for the end!

It's a lot, and it must seem very overwhelming. Try to separate out each issue.

Could your boy stay with your parents for the weekend so he's no present for the kick off with P? Tell him he's gone and the relationship is done.

Exh, I'd ignore his emails. If he wants money he can go via CM. Try to put a buffer between you and him. CM or your solicitor. Just because you get a communication doesn't mean you need to engage with it.

Don't worry about your patents. You can't control how they react. Ultimately, they don't have to live with him or his abuse. If its a surprise to them just be honest and tell them you've tried to shield them from how bad it is and you've also been lying to yourself about it.

Sorry you’re having a tough time OP on a lot of fronts by sounds of it. Too little too late by your DP. Occurred to me what you described was efforts on your part to be a family whereas he viewed your kids as yours and his as his… glad you finally said enough. In the tough times remind yourself you’ll be in a better place soon.

He’s a horrible bastard. I hope you find the strength kick him out

Freeze or flop is survival behaviour. Its something your body and mind have learned to do - not every situation is amenable to fight or flight! And maybe is been something you learnt quite young. So don't berate yourself for it, though you might want to learn to be different in certain situations. But right now - you're doing well. You've recognised what's going on and taken first steps. Talk to your solicitor about the ex. Get help from your parents if you can. If you gave friends or other family who can help, ask them, including things like birthday parties.

Op, your children can see it, your family can see it. He is an abusive man who does not like or care about you or your children. You are lucky to be in a position where you don't have to put up with this. Stop throwing money at counselling (it won't work because he will continue to be abusive). Talk honestly to your brother who has seen this all first hand and ask for his support in ensuring your dp moves out of your house immediately. If he has family or a friend he can move in with, get your db round to support you and tell him to leave immediately.

I was writing it all I was mortified at how awful it was. Then when I read it back it didn’t seem that bad?! Except for how it makes me feel and look.

You are confusing two very separate things - how he makes you feel, and how the situation looks to other people.
You mention in a few of your posts about how other people will think and feel if you split up, e.g. your parents.
I'm going to let you in on a secret: life is a million times easier and more enjoyable when you learn to really, really, really not care what other people think of you.

Seeing him through your brother's probably made you realize quite how awful he is. I doubt your family like him if he is how you describe him.

I hope you do get rid of him as he will wear you down even more if you stay with him.

Even the biggest arsehole in the world could be seen as being perfectly reasonable to want increased custody of a child who is being bullied by his mother's boyfriend whilst she does nothing.

You're forgetting about how it felt for your children to see your son's coat abandoned in the dirt and you not reacting. Or how it feels for them to hear the way he speaks to you when they can do nothing - you say your son has spoken to you about it, yet you still have him in your home today and the only difference is that you haven't made a display of laughing it off this time.

When OP gets this man out (and that IMO should be today), she should tell her kids that she did it to protect them and apologise for not doing it sooner. Not to self-flagellate, but to make it clear to them that she is putting them first from now on.

I’ve had over 10 emails in the last 24 hours from my ex demanding money and manipulating our custody schedule to have the children more.

You have an abusive man living in your home. He's taking money to support that you could be using for your own family. He says shitty things about you in front of your kids. It's possible your kids are upset by this and have told their dad and want to spend more time at his.

And abusive guy is still there despite the "breakup".

Hes abusive in a different way. I agree that you need to do this for your children if you can't for yourself.

They have spoken to you about how he makes them feel. Thsy see his son disrespecting you .

Its not often that theres a thread where its unanimous and theres usually.a debate on here about the right thing to do.

In your own first post you knew what would be advised but posted anyway, you know what you need to do. Start this year feeling lighter and cut this blood sucker adrift.

Please get rid of him. It is not fair on you or your son. Don't be kind to him. Just tell him that you don't want him in your house and he has to leave. Give him 1 month to find somewhere. Don't take no for an answer. I really feel for you - it is horrible when someone behaves this way and appreciates nothing that is being done for them. If he pushes back just say you don't like him or his behaviour and there is nothing he can do apart from leave. You would rather be on your own than tolerate him in your house any longer.

Jeses Christ ! This man is abusive. Seriously abusive.

I've seen so many threads on here lately. The woman owns her own home is financially independent, has a successful career. Then this lovely guy moves in, separated/divorced, sometimes with his own kids. He gives up a rental or lets out his property. Everything seems hunky dory.

Then they start chipping away with sarcasm, put downs. They've landed on their feet, squirrel their own wages away because well she's got more than him.

They really hate all women who are smarter than them, more successful. So let's take them down a peg or two. After all they're the inferior sex.

This Modern man just wants a passive partner they can take out their failures on

Sorry, that was full of mistakes & I am unable to edit.
iIt sounds like you spend alot of time trying to make things right , but for the wrong people.
You dont need to worry about telling your parents immediately , you dont need their permission or approval. Noone knows what goes on behind closed doors. You may have said everything was going well, but they have seen how he treats you. All you need to say is he was increasingly treating your children with spite.
Grey Rock your XH for now. There is no obligation to agree, discuss or reply. He can wait, or better still take you to court if he's not happy. You are finished being a doormat
Tell your sponging bully X boyfriend his kid isnt coming this w/e. Its your sons birthday & you won’t have it ruined.
He can go & flat hunt. Because he is history
Show your kids you are their rock.
You can do it.