Struggling with how to respond to DP

[Strategies25]

I’m kind of hesitant to post this as I know everyone will just say ltb.

but I’m really struggling so feel like I’ve got to share my feelings.

DP basically constantly makes me feel like shit. And I really can’t deal with it.

we are a step family which is a nightmare in itself. But we’ve got all our kids tonight and I said we should do something to make it feel special. He said there’s no point as him and his son will go to bed early as they’re doing parkrun tomorrow.

so tonight is basically a normal night with me doing house work and everybody on a device in a different room. I doubt we’ll even say happy new year today or tomorrow.

we never do anything socially together although we do have separate friends. No one ever comes to the house. I said we should invite our next door neighbours round for a drink over Christmas. He said it would be fcking boring and he didn’t want to talk fcking shit to them.

today I’d suggested a family day out to a country park with a great play area the children love. He was silent when I suggested it a few days ago. I invited my brother to come as he is available over Christmas. DP likes my brother but I knew he would somehow take offence that he was coming.

when I said he was coming he said pointedly ‘I’m sure you’ll have a great time.’ Im trying really hard to have direct communication, as I would have normally said: ‘does that mean you’re not coming?’ Instead I said: ‘Are you going to come?’ He didn’t answer me for about 20mins. He was just silent.
he finally said his son would like it so he’d come.

then I was making packed lunches for everyone and he said him and his son wouldn’t have one. I said something about it being a day out. He said in that case I’d have to take a separate car, as he was leaving after an hour.

at this point I had a go at him, as I always try to plan‘family days’ and he always undermines me, and he started mocking me for being ridiculous for getting worked up over a sandwich.

anyway, I could handle all of that, but what was really humiliating was how he completely ignored me all day in front of my brother. I was just so upset and humiliated.

we were doing an assault course, DP managed to do a hard one and landed right in front of me and my brother. I said well done, he didn’t even look at me or acknowledge that I’d spoken.

then when I did one he walked off half way through with the children, and didn’t even wait to watch me finish. My brother stood and waited for me with a really pained embarrassed look on his face.

at one point I helped DP’s son with his coat and ended up carrying it for a bit. DP came up to me to get it, and I gave him both coats - his son’s and my son’s. Then at the next obstacle he put them both on the ground. DP’s son got his, and DP just walked off leaving my son’s coat in the ditch.

once again my brother was really embarrassed and went back to get it.

and all of that has literally been in the last few hours. But that is daily life for me.

Just tell him not to come back after his park run. He can take hua belongings with him, or you will pack them up while he is running and collecting them off the doorstep.
Ask your DB to be with you.

@VoltaireMittyDream, I would happily be part of the LTB squad!! Wouldn't that be fab to be able to do?! I hate guys who do this sort of shit to women (well, I hate anyone who treats other people like this).

@Strategies25...I don't blame you for being at the end of your tether. Are you able to speak to your family about this? When I split with XH, there were a few weeks beforehand where I was getting the realisation (and almost getting my head around giving myself permission) to say, "enough is enough". Reading some of the posts on here, and realising how similar the situations were with mine, really helped. So I put in boundaries with XH/his behaviour (he's an alcoholic) and made them clear to him. On Xmas Eve, he overstepped those boundaries, went AWOL...and ruined yet another family day when he eventually showed up pissed. I stuck to my guns, told him to leave and not come back until he was sober (so I initially slung him out on Xmas Eve - neighbours had come over as we had things planned). He came back after Xmas with a view to us sorting shit out, but then flounced in Jan when I dared to continue protecting my boundaries. We then agreed separation whilst he got sober (so we could work on marriage), but he then fucked off with the OW who'd been in the background for feck knows how long.

It is scary to say, enough is enough and get out. The family home in my situ, thank the Gods, was a rental (and luckily just in my name) so it was easy to sling my XH out. He stayed with my exSIL for a time then pissed off with OW (exSIL slung him out when she found out about OW). I did have people (neighbours - good friends of mine) with me when I first told him to leave, and when he tried to break into the house (he was pissed/high/abusive/all of these on the Xmas Eve), I called the police. My DBs came and changed the locks on my house on Xmas morning before I went to youngest DB's house for the day with the DC and rest of family.

I don't think there's ever a right or wrong time to sling someone out as it's never that fun a thing to do....but what will help is getting support of family and good friends. Have your brother with you. Maybe get a locksmith in to get locks changed. You mentioned in posts that he has family (where he plays the "hapless victim")....and that "Everyone loves him". Well. that's great... he can fuck off and stay with them...even better if his DC isn't here this weekend! I'd not give him a month to get out. Sod that, he can piss off this weekend/asap.

Also FWIW, he's behaving like this as he's taking you for granted, and arrogant enough to presume that you'll keep putting up with all his nonsense indefinitely. XH was the same: never thought I'd leave (not that I left)/stick to my boundaries....and he never thought I'd file for divorce (and stick with it). He thought he could throw all the contempt and disrespect in the world at me and I'd take it (because to be fair, I bloody had put up with so much shit already - more fool me). He thought I'd crumple and he thought I'd take him back after he and OW split up. It was the biggest shock of his life that I stuck to my guns, and I don't regret it for a second (only thing I regret is not doing it sooner).

Two sayings rang in my mind from the threads I read at that time, and I think they can apply here too:
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
"You can't control other people's actions/behaviour, but you can control your response to them."

I wish you all the luck in the world. x

Exactly. You could end it because he had smelly feet if you wanted. He doesn't get to say your reason isn't valid. You're not sacking him from a job.

It sounds op like he's completely checked out of the relationship in his head and can't even be bothered to pass himself with the bare minimum of respect towards you. And it sounds like you do a lot.

It doesn't matter if everyone thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread if that's not how he is behind closed doors. The fact his contempt for it extends to your children is worrying. Definitely time to make plans to get him out of the house. Give him notice and on the date he's due to be out I'd keep a note of his schedule and quietly arrange for the locks to be changed when he's gone. If he doesn't leave on time I'd change them anyway and pack for him.

One person alone cannot make a relationship work.

Another one here saying I wouldn't give him until the end of January.

Of course he will throw a fit and use all kind of tactics to guilt trip and blame you. It's not your problem.
Don't give him another 31 days to sweet talk you into changing your mind.

The guy is about to loose a roof over his head in which he could behave appallingly with little comeback.
He will absolutely manipulate you into that nice place you both were at the start.
The face he shows now is the real him. He doesn't get to put the mask back on.

Don't give him until the end of January - maybe a week but that's it. He's not your problem anymore and his behaviour is just beneath contempt. The fact that your child has commented and your DB witnessed it helps confirm that your DP is out of order.
Rip the plaster off and enjoy a much better New Year!!

He is gaslighting you too. My first thought is he sounds like a narcissist ex of mine .
It’s like sleeping with the enemy . They aren’t your partner they are always working against you.
If you can’t do it for yourself do it for your children. Remember you don’t need to explain yourself. Just tell him you’re not feeling it anymore and he has to leave asap.
If need be get your brother involved.

It sounds like he doesn't like you very much or your kid. He treats you with contempt. You basically live separate lives, and it sounds like he'd prefer not to spend time with you at all. I think he likes you for the services you provide him. Basically, you are his maid and his childcare beyond that he has no interest in you or your happiness.

OP can your brother be there? He clearly can see what is going on. There is NO shame in needing help. I am beginning to learn this myself and just like to rely on myself and like you, like to then show I've got things worked doubt. But actually that's also a trauma response.

You are strong, you are brave and you are worthy and you CAN do this.

He is an awful abusive bully. He will say things to drag you down and make you further feel like shit. Posting here was your first step.

I love the idea of a crew of mumsnetters! I'll be there! I am so done with people being bastards to others.

Oh...and Happy New Year OP

Also he's already really horrible with you! So when he's horrible with you when you tell him to leave (which he will be) it will just be the usual. Remember this. This is what he is anyway.
Your kids are picking up on it. Please do to for ALL of you. When he's standing there being his normal dick like self saying horrible things to you while he thinks he can manipulate you into submission. Picture your children's faces. Picture your free and easy life once he is gone. This is going to be your New Year

Not much point demanding more respect from someone who holds you in total contempt. You are perfectly placed to LTB. He neither likes nor respects you. He definitely doesn't love you. Get the kids out of the way, have your brother round or support and tell him he's moving out. You can't blame your therapist for your situation, but I do understand that having support can sometimes make it more bearable to stay. This is what you need to speak to your therapist about.

Happy new year, OP.

Please be strong in your resolve.

Does he have money? Travelodge etc is cheap this side of new year. Get them out. He's a grown man who's behaved appallingly and his future plans are no longer your problem. You will feel such a weight off your shoulders once he's gone.

He is vile. Really vile.

I don’t think you have a choice. For your self preservation, you have to leave him.

Yes that’s how I feel- like he’s always working against me.

I’m horrified at how bad it all sounds as that is literally 0.001% of how bad it normally is!

The main issue is how much he undermines my job. I’ve done really well to get a really good job, after a period of redundancy and unemployment. So he should be happy for me.

but he always sneers at the job and there were 4 big occasions recently where he actively worked against me.

one was a big event I planned with celebrities. One that he’s a fan of. He wouldn’t acknowledge me at all for the whole period of 3 weeks when planning ramped up. And has never once asked about it in retrospect. With this event I literally begged him on my knees to acknowledge it and support me as it was a really big deal to me. He never acknowledged it. But he did sleep downstairs for a couple of nights so I got a good sleep.

one was a luxury work trip he’s still furious about.

one was a work family event- where I had to beg him to come. The concession was he came but didn’t speak to me or anyone the whole day. We turned up late and left early and everyone was asking why.

and recently my work Christmas party- didn’t speak to me for days about that.

@Strategies25 - get your brother round and just get rid. For your sake and for your children’s sake. You owe it to them to get rud of this horrible guy.

This guy holds you in utter contempt. He is a nasty piece of work. In fact, you are with an abuser. The happy beginnings of the relationship are long gone. You won’t get them and his niceness would mean nothing now anyway - it would only be an act - because his nastiness is his true self.

As to everyone loves him: i’m sure that’s wrong but anyway it’s common for abusers to nurture a very acceptable public face; it doesn’t matter what others think - what matters is you and your DCs.

Get him gone ASAP. You can start packing his stuff while he’s out. You owe him nothing.

The other thing that makes this difficult for me, is that I was in a very abusive marriage, the police and women’s aid were involved, and my family worked for years to get me out.

my ex is still causing problems for me and upsetting my family.
which is why I’ve been trying really hard to pretend to them that this is good. And I genuinely thought it was.

He’s so different from my ex. And I lived as a single mum for 5 years before I met him. So I would have thought i wasn’t rushing into anything.

I feel I must somehow enable people to be abusive towards me. But I genuinely don’t know how to do things differently.

God I hate him.

Please get him out of your life. He’s disgusting. Who cares what he says or thinks? He is of zero value.

Anyway, we spoke briefly last night, he kind of forced my hand to say it was over. I wasn’t really ready to say it straight away.

and this morning he’s trying to be loving and sad to make me change my mind

Stay strong - you've told him it's over, which is why he's now behaving like this.
He is abusive to you - you've survived an abusive relationship before, you can again!

This gets worse and worse. But you're sorting it now, op. Well done.

Do get back up if you need it. It's not weak to ask for help from family.

I just read something that said something like:
People who need therapy don't take it. But their victims do.

@Strategies25 that's interesting. Why do you say that? That he resents it being your house?

Does he have his own house?

@Strategies25 - you don’t enable people to be abusive to you. It’s their fault, not yours. Unfortunately, abusive people can sniff out people who will be vulnerable to them. But that’s still on them, not you.

“As I feel I’ve been trying harder and harder to make it work in the last few years. By reading books and planning date nights and doing whatever I thought he wanted.”
A relationship where one person always does what the other person wants is a bad relationship. This is one of the reasons why you are vulnerable to abusers. He started treating you badly; instead of calling him out and getting rid, you started trying to change yourself. You thought it was your job to fix his bad behaviour. It never was. This thinking has led to you putting up with years of shit treatment. It’s still his fault. But you’re vulnerable to shitty treatment because you blame yourself instead of the perpetrator.

Have you heard about the shark cage? This could be helpful to you:
https://ccp.net.au/the-shark-cage-metaphor-in-abusive-relationships/

Stay strong, get him to leave and don’t look back. This is just a different type of abusive relationship, show your children you won’t be treated this way. Happy 2026 without this man.

Have you read It’s not you by Dr Ramani? Take a look at her videos on YouTube. Also Lundy Bancroft, Why does he do that freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html