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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling with how to respond to DP

223 replies

Strategies25 · 31/12/2025 18:16

I’m kind of hesitant to post this as I know everyone will just say ltb.

but I’m really struggling so feel like I’ve got to share my feelings.

DP basically constantly makes me feel like shit. And I really can’t deal with it.

we are a step family which is a nightmare in itself. But we’ve got all our kids tonight and I said we should do something to make it feel special. He said there’s no point as him and his son will go to bed early as they’re doing parkrun tomorrow.

so tonight is basically a normal night with me doing house work and everybody on a device in a different room. I doubt we’ll even say happy new year today or tomorrow.

we never do anything socially together although we do have separate friends. No one ever comes to the house. I said we should invite our next door neighbours round for a drink over Christmas. He said it would be fcking boring and he didn’t want to talk fcking shit to them.

today I’d suggested a family day out to a country park with a great play area the children love. He was silent when I suggested it a few days ago. I invited my brother to come as he is available over Christmas. DP likes my brother but I knew he would somehow take offence that he was coming.

when I said he was coming he said pointedly ‘I’m sure you’ll have a great time.’ Im trying really hard to have direct communication, as I would have normally said: ‘does that mean you’re not coming?’ Instead I said: ‘Are you going to come?’ He didn’t answer me for about 20mins. He was just silent.
he finally said his son would like it so he’d come.

then I was making packed lunches for everyone and he said him and his son wouldn’t have one. I said something about it being a day out. He said in that case I’d have to take a separate car, as he was leaving after an hour.

at this point I had a go at him, as I always try to plan‘family days’ and he always undermines me, and he started mocking me for being ridiculous for getting worked up over a sandwich.

anyway, I could handle all of that, but what was really humiliating was how he completely ignored me all day in front of my brother. I was just so upset and humiliated.

we were doing an assault course, DP managed to do a hard one and landed right in front of me and my brother. I said well done, he didn’t even look at me or acknowledge that I’d spoken.

then when I did one he walked off half way through with the children, and didn’t even wait to watch me finish. My brother stood and waited for me with a really pained embarrassed look on his face.

at one point I helped DP’s son with his coat and ended up carrying it for a bit. DP came up to me to get it, and I gave him both coats - his son’s and my son’s. Then at the next obstacle he put them both on the ground. DP’s son got his, and DP just walked off leaving my son’s coat in the ditch.

once again my brother was really embarrassed and went back to get it.

and all of that has literally been in the last few hours. But that is daily life for me.

OP posts:
VoltaireMittyDream · 31/12/2025 18:44

Strategies25 · 31/12/2025 18:27

Yes as I was writing it all I was mortified at how awful it was. Then when I read it back it didn’t seem that bad?! Except for how it makes me feel and look.

I’m kind of coming to the realisation that he’s not going to change. As I feel I’ve been trying harder and harder to make it work in the last few years. By reading books and planning date nights and doing whatever I thought he wanted.

in terms of leaving that’s the elephant in the room with us. He lives in my house so would need to move out. And I think that’s why he’s so angry and resentful of me.

This makes it logistically so much easier, OP.

He may be angry and resentful but that’s not your responsibility.

I can’t believe men aren’t embarrassed of themselves when they behave like this. It’s such a shocking lack of basic healthy social shame.

I really do think there should be an elite corps of Mumsnet LTB operatives who could stage interventions to liberate women who have been ground down over years in shitty relationships. Escort the cocklodging / controlling / abusive / cheating / chronically petulant and arsey manchild off the premises and pack his shit up and secure the house and sort the logistics of separation while plying the newly emancipated MNer cups of tea and pep talks and stocking up her fridge and freezer.

I would absolutely donate to a fund to set this service up.

RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 31/12/2025 18:46

Has it not occurred to your counsellor that you might need the counselling, not in order to cope with the relationship, but because the relationship is abusive?

Nearly50omg · 31/12/2025 18:46

Why are you putting your children and yourself through this? Your brother is clearly so sad for you and your children and must be sitting on his tongue struggling not to say to you the same thing! Please leave him or make him leave if you can. I was in similar situation until earlier this year. It is easier to stay and just think maybe it’s me and maybe things will get better but they don’t and the children pick up more than you think they are and in fact the children since my husband and I split up the difference is amazing how happy and settled they are - literally a week after they left you’d have thought they were on holiday the way they behaved! 6 months on and although life is harder in one way money wise the happiness and contentment and general all over happiness me and my kids feel is soo much worth all the hassle initially

Dozer · 31/12/2025 18:48

Ditch the counsellor!

WinterSunglasses · 31/12/2025 18:49

DP basically constantly makes me feel like shit. And I really can’t deal with it

It isn't your deficiency that you can't deal with it. Everyone has said that. So stop making yourself think that you ought to be able to deal with it. Trying to do that is the unnatural thing. As @GasperyJacquesRoberts said, look at why you don't want to end it.

Maybe set a timetable to get him out by end of January? It won't be just you. There's some day early in January that's the most common date people file for divorce, I think. Join them and start afresh!

Original poster
Strategies25 · 31/12/2025 18:49

I’m really glad I posted tonight, but really horrified too. As that was literally me recounting the last couple of hours. Whereas if someone asked me I’d say we had a really nice day.
and I’d probably forget how bad I felt.

our relationship was great at the beginning and I guess I keep hoping I can get back there.

everyone loves him and thinks he’s the kindest nicest man ever.

but his son really disrespects me in a way that is embarrassing. And my dc are really angry about it all. My son said how can you date someone who doesn’t even talk to you.

I guess I genuinely thought at the beginning I was showing my dc a good relationship.

but he’s rude about me to his children, and makes himself out to be the hapless victim to his family.

OP posts:
TittyGajillions · 31/12/2025 18:50

Bloody hell, bin the bastard and don't look back.

Twothirds · 31/12/2025 18:51

How wonderful that at the start of this new year you have had the realisation you needed. Partners support and do t flatten - god what an awful man.

Get him out quicker than quick. He can go to family - anywhere - it’s not your problem.

You will remember a year from now and I hope you are fretting about whether you have bought enough booze for your party.

Original poster
Strategies25 · 31/12/2025 18:51

VoltaireMittyDream · 31/12/2025 18:44

This makes it logistically so much easier, OP.

He may be angry and resentful but that’s not your responsibility.

I can’t believe men aren’t embarrassed of themselves when they behave like this. It’s such a shocking lack of basic healthy social shame.

I really do think there should be an elite corps of Mumsnet LTB operatives who could stage interventions to liberate women who have been ground down over years in shitty relationships. Escort the cocklodging / controlling / abusive / cheating / chronically petulant and arsey manchild off the premises and pack his shit up and secure the house and sort the logistics of separation while plying the newly emancipated MNer cups of tea and pep talks and stocking up her fridge and freezer.

I would absolutely donate to a fund to set this service up.

Show quote history

I would love this!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Strategies25 · 31/12/2025 18:55

Twothirds · 31/12/2025 18:51

How wonderful that at the start of this new year you have had the realisation you needed. Partners support and do t flatten - god what an awful man.

Get him out quicker than quick. He can go to family - anywhere - it’s not your problem.

You will remember a year from now and I hope you are fretting about whether you have bought enough booze for your party.

I love this thanks @Twothirdsas I was remembering earlier that when I was a single mum I always used to throw a little New Year’s party with my neighbours and friends.

OP posts:
Bringemout · 31/12/2025 18:59

Honestly people don’t think he’s kind, they think he’s a wanker to you but don’t want to say anything. Once you’ve chucked him out I guarantee everyone will breathe a sigh of relief.

Parsleyforme · 31/12/2025 18:59

Until you are willing or able to end things I would plan nice days for myself/the kids and have no expectation for him to come. It sounds like he makes everything miserable anyway so there’s just no point. You won’t have the constant disappointment/resentment/embarrassment, get to do what you want and it will make it all easier after the split as you’ll basically be living a single life. Does he have somewhere to go, do you think he’d refuse to leave?

SeaToSki · 31/12/2025 19:01

Can you ask your brother to come over and then tell him that you want to separate and that you want him to pack a bag right now and go and stay with his family/parents/travel lodge tonight. Then he can come back and get the rest of his stuff in a couple of days (and have your brother there that time as well). The only thing I would change is the timing as I would do it on a day when his ds is not there, and potentially your dc are away too

Dozer · 31/12/2025 19:03

It may have been good at first, but it’s been shit for at least 3 years, you say.

’everyone loves him and thinks he’s the kindest nicest man ever.’ No, they don’t, and even if they do, your DS’ opinion is more important and he ‘sees’ this dickhead, and ‘everyone’ hasn’t been privy to the behaviour that you and your DC have.

Start to prioritise your DC!

StopBothering · 31/12/2025 19:04

OP, we are all behind you.

Please contact Women's Aid. Abuse comes in various forms. They will be able to advise you with your housing situation - I know you said he is in your property, and it sounds like you are (very understandably) apprehensive to start what I imagine feels like a monumental challenge to get him to leave. You may feel empowered and stronger once speaking to them and getting armed with the facts about your rights in your own home and how to best go about getting him removed.

WinterSunglasses · 31/12/2025 19:05

everyone loves him and thinks he’s the kindest nicest man ever

I bet they don't. You will find if you end it that people will then show you they had their doubts. They just don't feel they can say it while you're together.

That said, he could be a literal saint and still not be the right person for you. It really doesn't matter what external people think. Many of us here are familiar with the idea that things can be very different behind closed doors. And that's what you can tell any muppet who says 'oh, but he was such a nice man'.

NNforthispost · 31/12/2025 19:05

He sounds like a horrible little man. He’s disparaging in front of anyone and everyone. Most would put on a front if they’d fallen out in front of your kids and brother. He doesn’t give a shit.

Agree it’s time to get rid, ask your brother for help and support - he’s seen it first hand. And his son is being rude to you because he’s seen his dad do it and thinks that’s what a normal relationship is. His son is not your problem - you need to put yourself and your kids first.

Chasbots · 31/12/2025 19:05

If it's your house, quietly pack his stuff up whilst he's ignoring you and put it outside. Change your locks. Call the police if he complains.

It's in HIS best interests to be nice to you if you provide his housing. If he can't even do that, then he is the master of his own downfall and you can't be held responsible for his future needs.

If you are either physically scared or so ground down, you can't face this, contact your local DV people and see what they say and follow their advice.

Anyahyacinth · 31/12/2025 19:06

Strategies25 · 31/12/2025 18:34

That’s what it is - but it completely floors me- rather than make me rise up against it I just feel flattened.

Show quote history

Totally...that's coercive control...making you try to be smaller and smaller so he doesn't take offence.

Its not you OP ...you sound kind and caring person...the flattening is a normal reaction to cruelty 💐💐💐

Original poster
Strategies25 · 31/12/2025 19:06

We don’t have our dc this weekend so I could do it then and say move out by end of Jan.

I’m worried he’ll say I’m being ridiculous- or as he’s said in the past f*cking mental to have an issue over nothing.

I’m really dreading him being horrible to me but I couldn’t face the shame of saying it in front of anyone. I’d rather they see I’ve got it all worked out for myself

OP posts:
Lineofdutytoofar · 31/12/2025 19:07

VoltaireMittyDream · 31/12/2025 18:44

This makes it logistically so much easier, OP.

He may be angry and resentful but that’s not your responsibility.

I can’t believe men aren’t embarrassed of themselves when they behave like this. It’s such a shocking lack of basic healthy social shame.

I really do think there should be an elite corps of Mumsnet LTB operatives who could stage interventions to liberate women who have been ground down over years in shitty relationships. Escort the cocklodging / controlling / abusive / cheating / chronically petulant and arsey manchild off the premises and pack his shit up and secure the house and sort the logistics of separation while plying the newly emancipated MNer cups of tea and pep talks and stocking up her fridge and freezer.

I would absolutely donate to a fund to set this service up.

Show quote history

Donate? I would do it myself! I so wish we could set something like this up, but I’m sure we’d be arrested!

Honestly op, for whatever reason you’ve got yourself saddled with a whiny, sulky, petulant manchild. How very unattractive of him.
The excellent news is that it’s your house so you are perfectly within your rights (and perfectly capable of) saying this isn’t working for you. So he needs to leave by X date.
Do that op. Stop tying yourself in knots trying to please a man who will never, ever be pleased.

Chasbots · 31/12/2025 19:09

It's a safety response, I think, not to incur further abuse.

Do you want to be living with him after giving him notice? Definitely take advice.

Left · 31/12/2025 19:09

VoltaireMittyDream · 31/12/2025 18:44

This makes it logistically so much easier, OP.

He may be angry and resentful but that’s not your responsibility.

I can’t believe men aren’t embarrassed of themselves when they behave like this. It’s such a shocking lack of basic healthy social shame.

I really do think there should be an elite corps of Mumsnet LTB operatives who could stage interventions to liberate women who have been ground down over years in shitty relationships. Escort the cocklodging / controlling / abusive / cheating / chronically petulant and arsey manchild off the premises and pack his shit up and secure the house and sort the logistics of separation while plying the newly emancipated MNer cups of tea and pep talks and stocking up her fridge and freezer.

I would absolutely donate to a fund to set this service up.

Show quote history

I’d absolutely sign up to be part of the freedom squad!!

Somertime · 31/12/2025 19:09

You have to look after your own DC and get rid of this man asap. Don't ruin their childhood by having a selfish manchild take up your energy, time and money. You deserve better too. Start 2026 fresh

LightUpLavender · 31/12/2025 19:10

From your post it didn’t sound like he likes you at all really. He’s probably waiting for you to end it. So end it. Get him out your house.