Struggling with how to respond to DP

[Strategies25]

I’m kind of hesitant to post this as I know everyone will just say ltb.

but I’m really struggling so feel like I’ve got to share my feelings.

DP basically constantly makes me feel like shit. And I really can’t deal with it.

we are a step family which is a nightmare in itself. But we’ve got all our kids tonight and I said we should do something to make it feel special. He said there’s no point as him and his son will go to bed early as they’re doing parkrun tomorrow.

so tonight is basically a normal night with me doing house work and everybody on a device in a different room. I doubt we’ll even say happy new year today or tomorrow.

we never do anything socially together although we do have separate friends. No one ever comes to the house. I said we should invite our next door neighbours round for a drink over Christmas. He said it would be fcking boring and he didn’t want to talk fcking shit to them.

today I’d suggested a family day out to a country park with a great play area the children love. He was silent when I suggested it a few days ago. I invited my brother to come as he is available over Christmas. DP likes my brother but I knew he would somehow take offence that he was coming.

when I said he was coming he said pointedly ‘I’m sure you’ll have a great time.’ Im trying really hard to have direct communication, as I would have normally said: ‘does that mean you’re not coming?’ Instead I said: ‘Are you going to come?’ He didn’t answer me for about 20mins. He was just silent.
he finally said his son would like it so he’d come.

then I was making packed lunches for everyone and he said him and his son wouldn’t have one. I said something about it being a day out. He said in that case I’d have to take a separate car, as he was leaving after an hour.

at this point I had a go at him, as I always try to plan‘family days’ and he always undermines me, and he started mocking me for being ridiculous for getting worked up over a sandwich.

anyway, I could handle all of that, but what was really humiliating was how he completely ignored me all day in front of my brother. I was just so upset and humiliated.

we were doing an assault course, DP managed to do a hard one and landed right in front of me and my brother. I said well done, he didn’t even look at me or acknowledge that I’d spoken.

then when I did one he walked off half way through with the children, and didn’t even wait to watch me finish. My brother stood and waited for me with a really pained embarrassed look on his face.

at one point I helped DP’s son with his coat and ended up carrying it for a bit. DP came up to me to get it, and I gave him both coats - his son’s and my son’s. Then at the next obstacle he put them both on the ground. DP’s son got his, and DP just walked off leaving my son’s coat in the ditch.

once again my brother was really embarrassed and went back to get it.

and all of that has literally been in the last few hours. But that is daily life for me.

Tell him to move out with your brother present, and when the kids are elsewhere. Then brace yourself for the threats, undermining, gaslighting, and even love bombing when he realizes that his days as a cocklodger are over.
Be strong for your children and for yourself.
Just think of the lovely days you will have together, being the nice little family you were before he came along: days out, visitors to your home, little celebrations and so on. And the lovely blissful peace of not being perpetually shamed, belittled and treated like shit.
You deserve so very much better.

Demanding more respect from someone that is incapable of giving it to you would be a waste of energy. Instead focus on the huge lack of respect you have for yourself by allowing this man to continue to treat you so badly. He’s shown you who he is, believe him and kick him out.
Not only is he treating you terribly, he’s teaching his own child to and it won’t be long before your own kids start to lose respect for you too and your own relationship with your kids break down.
You need to get rid of him and just focus on building your self esteem again. Life is too short to live in a miserable existence with someone that doesn’t actually love you. His behaviour is the opposite of love…

There was a Christmas some years ago where the totality of what had gone on with my then-DP over the years leading to that point, and the utter shit-show that had happened over that Christmas in particular, made me really sit down and think about what had happened, why it escalated the way it did, and what I wanted for the future.

The conclusion I came to was this - whatever happens, there was no way I was going to put myself and my children through that bullshit again. Things were going to be different. I had already told my then-DP over and over again what I was unhappy about and what needed to change. It had all been ignored and I'd been too worried to push it. But I realised that if I wanted to see something change then I had to be the one to instigate it because, otherwise, the next Christmas and the next one and every Christmas after that was going to be just as shitty and I could no longer face that.

Christmas the following year with just me and my DCs was fantastic. None of us were walking on eggshells. None of us were having to watch what we said or how we said it. Instead we played games, we saw friends and family, we laughed, we watched cheesy Christmas movies, and our home felt safe, warm and happy.

2026 is just around the corner. Your Christmas 2026 could be so different to your Christmas 2025. When you're in an abusive relationship it's so easy to forget that the cage you find yourself in has an open door - you just have to decide to walk through it. You can do this.

The shame and embarrassment isn’t yours, it’s his for being such a pig that you can’t continue the relationship. Could your brother or another relative stay at the weekend to support you?

Does your stbx have family or friends he can stay with? If so, you can ask him to leave immediately when the children aren’t there. Change the locks in case he tries to return.

He can think / say that about you: so what? You can still proceed with separation and he must move out.

If you fear a worse reaction from him, seek help in planning the break up, for your and DCs’ safety.

As a pp suggested, get your brother round this weekend & tell him to pack up & leave. You would be "f ing mental" to let this nasty little man to continue treating you like this. Find your anger & self respect & get him gone. Arrange to change the locks next week & get additional dead bolts added.
His child is showing the utmost disrespect to you IN YOUR OWN HOME, because his dad does. The pair of them need to leave. Now.

This bloke is horrendous.

He treats you with utter contempt, and he’s clearly got no respect for your DC or your DB either.

Thank god it’s your house.

You know the answer.

This nails it.

This man despises you and can no longer hide it.

Off he fucks.

He's a nasty bastard.

Take strength in getting out, knowing that both your brother and son think he's horrible too.

Please take courage and get rid of the scumbag for you and your son's future happiness.

This man doesn’t even like you @Strategies25 let alone love you.

Life is far too short to live like this.

It doesn’t matter if he says you’re being ridiculous.

This is your life and you get to make the decisions about what you want.

Don’t give him until the end of the month. Make him pack a bag that day and tell him to leave. You can have the rest of his stuff bagged or boxed up ready to be collected at another time.

Change the locks and get yourself a ring doorbell if you don’t have one. If you do and he has access to it, remove him. Also change your WiFi password and anything else he may have access to. Online banking etc.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this ass clown of a human. It's at best passive aggressive and shows you no respect. A relationship should be nurturing - this sounds horrible and that he doesn't even like you very much. Run as fast as you can

If you booted him out on Monday, if he has sole care of his son, he'd be eligible for support/housing from the local authority. And if he doesn't, the boy will be able to go home to his mother, so it wouldn't be your problem - so he can fuck off tomorrow morning and find somewhere else to stay by himself.

Maybe your brother would be happy (probably over the moon) to be present as backup when you tell him to fuck off - he doesn't need a notice period, he's an abusive arsehole who makes a point of leaving your child's things in the mud to show how much contempt he has for both of you. You don't mention how he is to your other child/ren, but it's likely to be as abusive in any case.

Give yourself and your kids a new year gift by getting this parasite out.

Pick the earliest possible day to ask him to leave and have your brother waiting round the corner if you don’t want him there. Don’t give this weasel any notice - he doesn’t deserve it. And give your ds a big hug for recognising this is not how people behave. Then give yourself the biggest pat on the back and focus on you in 2026.

If my DP left my son's coat in a ditch on purpose, I'd push him in the ditch with it

If my DP left my son's coat in a ditch on purpose, I'd push him in the ditch with it

His extreme lack of care and ignoring you is emotional abuse. He's trained you to disregard yourself like he disregards you.

You need to boot him out. What he says means nothing. What matters is what you are teaching your son what relationships look like and this looks like you give and he takes and he doesn't even like you, much less love you. Do you want your son to think this is what a relationship should be like? He can't be bothered to carry your son's coat and left it on the ground. That's some blatant dislike right there.

He will not change. He can't be bothered with you. You're a convenience because you provide him with food and shelter and he still treats you like shit. You get what you tolerate and you need to stop tolerating this kind of treatment.

Have your bro over and tell your live in it's time to leave. He has x amount of time to pack his shit and leave.

You know you don't have to give a reason for ending it, don't you? So don't worry about him saying it's ridiculous or a non issue. Just say 'it's not working, it's over, you need to move out'. Don't even try to formulate a 'why'. You don't need one.

Gisele Pelicot, hero for every woman alive, said 'Shame must change sides'. She did it and you can too.

Part of me would want to ask men like this "if I'm fucking mental, if you think so badly of me, why would you want to be in a relationship with me?" It would probably be a bullshit response but the real reason would be a) they want to have someone to cocklodge off b) they need to be in a relationship with someone and torment them and make them feel terrible to distract from how they feel about themselves. That's how they can feel good.

Of course he’ll be horrible about it, he is horrible! Stop thinking he’s different. And everyone doesn’t think he’s great.

Oh get this MF out of your house! If you can’t do it I’ll bloody come round and put him out.

You really don't have to give him a month's notice. But you do need to keep yourself safe.

Ask your brother to come to the house to support you, tell Partner he needs to leave,, and that brother will stay until he goes. If he can't take all his stuff at once give him a date and time when brother can be with you while he collects it all. It's not your responsibility to house him for a moment longer. Start 2026 as you mean to go on.

I’m so pleased you posted and are clearly thinking about what this man brings to your life. The answer seems to be ‘not much’! You are going to start 2026 with a clear focus of getting this man out of your life which is brilliant. Your partner should be building you up, not tearing you down. And he certainly shouldn’t be acting like he’s under 10. You are worth so much more than this. You have the power to make your life better by getting rid. Maybe start by telling your brother who I suspect will be relieved to hear you say you want your DP out of your life. Start thinking about practical steps. Do you feel you’d be safe with him if you asked him to leave? He seems to think he holds all the cards but he really doesn’t. Wishing you all the best x

I'd love to tell you something you want to hear but honestly, what you've described here is abuse. He is abusive and you shouldn't put up with it one day longer.

He is treating you in a way that shows his utter contempt for you - how dare he live in your house and treat you this way! Your children seeing this is damaging - you need to show them that you can take charge of your life and deserve to be treated with respect.

I would ask your brother to be there when you tell him to leave. Don't give him until the end of January - tell him to pack his stuff and get out. Don't allow yourself to be drawn into any discussions or arguments, repeat yourself if necessary 'This relationship is over and I want you to leave now' if he refuses, call the police and have him removed.

You need to find your strength and resolve and get this done. You will feel so much lighter when you have.