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Original poster

My husband has no sex drive

194 replies

BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 10:54

I've been feeling down about this for a while so I'd like to ask for advice.

My husband is in his early 30s and I'm in my late 20s. My husband is a good man and I am happy to be with him. We have a good life and I'm a SAHM with a toddler. My husband works full time.

My husband struggles with a few sexual problems:

  • He has a very low sex drive. He rarely thinks about sex (he said every few weeks but I think less). He does not initiate sex unless he thinks I'm ovulating and he thinks I would want to be sexual. He does not watch porn as well and hasn't for almost a decade. He can go months without sex and said he's just not that interested in it.
  • He has never EVER had an orgasm during sex. This part makes me sad as I don't feel desired. He said he's just not able to. We used at home IUI to conceive.
  • He will only orgasm when giving me oral. He also said this was the only porn he ever watched.
  • He has erectile dysfunction. He has been using viagra since we were in our 20s. He said he's been like this even when he was in his late teens. This also makes me feel undesirable. He's stopped using it as much and it affects sex a lot.

Any advice about why he could be like this?

Before anyone asks - We are both Christian and whilst dating I didn't prioritise sex and thought things could get better. Obviously it's not better.
My husband wants another child but because of this marriage issue I don't feel comfortable.

Also - about me, I take good care of myself, I'm a healthy weight and hygienic. I've had sex with other men before marriage and I've never experienced anything like this before.

OP posts:
Bloozie · 31/12/2025 10:57

I really feel for you. Living with someone whose sex drive is very different to yours is HARD.

Does your husband see it as a problem? By which I mean, is it something he would like to work on? Because his GP could help, as could a sex therapist, but he has to want to work on it. And I know it can be difficult for men AND women to see something they are not interested in, as something to try and do more of.

Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 10:59

Bloozie · 31/12/2025 10:57

I really feel for you. Living with someone whose sex drive is very different to yours is HARD.

Does your husband see it as a problem? By which I mean, is it something he would like to work on? Because his GP could help, as could a sex therapist, but he has to want to work on it. And I know it can be difficult for men AND women to see something they are not interested in, as something to try and do more of.

Ive been telling him to get a testosterone test, he said he does not like blood tests though. He seems happy with the way he his.

OP posts:
Bloozie · 31/12/2025 11:03

BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 10:59

Ive been telling him to get a testosterone test, he said he does not like blood tests though. He seems happy with the way he his.

Show quote history

Oof. And does he know how important a healthier sex life is to you? Because if he knows that your own sex drive means that the frequency of sex is a problem, and isn’t willing to do anything at all to investigate his own lack of drive or meet your need for intimacy in other ways, that’s a real problem for you.

It would be a deal breaker for me.

Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 11:46

Bloozie · 31/12/2025 11:03

Oof. And does he know how important a healthier sex life is to you? Because if he knows that your own sex drive means that the frequency of sex is a problem, and isn’t willing to do anything at all to investigate his own lack of drive or meet your need for intimacy in other ways, that’s a real problem for you.

It would be a deal breaker for me.

Show quote history

He knows it's important but he just says that's who he is.

OP posts:
whistlesandbells · 31/12/2025 11:58

Without effort on his part - and it must be demonstrative effort from him to show you his commitment - this won’t change. You have the issue of habit, patterns of behaviour, things needing to be untaught and relearned plus complacency that he knows you’ve accepted it so far and probably will continue to do so. Sorry OP, it would be a deal breaker for me (and I left my horrible abusive ex as this was also just another gift of his personality).

Seaoftroubles · 31/12/2025 12:00

If he is low in testosterone that could be your answer. I would urge him to get it checked by his GP as it can lead to many other health problems too. Just do a quick search and see why he should look into it.

Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 12:02

whistlesandbells · 31/12/2025 11:58

Without effort on his part - and it must be demonstrative effort from him to show you his commitment - this won’t change. You have the issue of habit, patterns of behaviour, things needing to be untaught and relearned plus complacency that he knows you’ve accepted it so far and probably will continue to do so. Sorry OP, it would be a deal breaker for me (and I left my horrible abusive ex as this was also just another gift of his personality).

I don't want to leave him as things are great apart from sex.

Also, I'm not sure it would be fair as he's always been like this

OP posts:
sciaticafanatica · 31/12/2025 12:18

He is not taking your needs into account.
im going to throw it out here and ask if he is gay?
if he won’t have blood tests and can’t cum then I would be asking him to do something about it .
you are so young and putting up with this shit for another 40 years is a selfish big ask on his part

LorettaY · 31/12/2025 12:20

This ended my last relationship. He made me feel like a nymphomaniac in the end for having a normal sex drive.

I couldn’t live that way long term OP. There’s nothing worse than having to let go of someone you love but I had to face that this area of compatibility wasnt optional and mattered quite a lot.

40andlovelife · 31/12/2025 12:22

Is he watching a lot of porn without you knowing? If not then there’s something physically not right that needs to be checked out

peacefulpeach · 31/12/2025 12:25

Could he be gay? This is exactly the same story as a friends husband.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 31/12/2025 12:26

What was his relationship and sexual history before you married?

I’d usually be loathe to suggest he’s gay but the Christian thing did raise a few alarm bells.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 31/12/2025 12:28

He's asexual. You're not. This is never going to work out unless you're both willing to consider some alternative arrangements for you to have sex with someone else.

This isn't something he can "fix" or change. It's who he is. Just like his eyes are blue, or brown.

socks1107 · 31/12/2025 12:30

Gosh this sounds so hard, and you’re both so young. Def agree with getting his hormones checked and are you very sure he’s not using porn?

Sarah2891 · 31/12/2025 12:32

Not all guys have a high sex drive. And some are asexual. It doesn't have to mean he's gay.

If he's always been like this then there's not really anything you can do, apart from separate if you are not happy.

PermanentTemporary · 31/12/2025 12:36

There is Christian marriage counselling out there, maybe try that.

This level of sex drive would be an absolute dealbreaker for me but I don’t think you’re wrong to try to find a way to live with it.

Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 12:37

sciaticafanatica · 31/12/2025 12:18

He is not taking your needs into account.
im going to throw it out here and ask if he is gay?
if he won’t have blood tests and can’t cum then I would be asking him to do something about it .
you are so young and putting up with this shit for another 40 years is a selfish big ask on his part

Ive asked him several times if he's gay and he says no.

However... he has a male friend and they used to have weekly calls and check ins before this guy got married. That's fine. However, I remember my husband being very giggly during the calls and acting 'coy' and 'shy'. The content of the calls would be just work stuff but the way my husband would be so happy and giggly and blushy during the calls surprised me

OP posts:
Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 12:38

Sarah2891 · 31/12/2025 12:32

Not all guys have a high sex drive. And some are asexual. It doesn't have to mean he's gay.

If he's always been like this then there's not really anything you can do, apart from separate if you are not happy.

Edited

Yeah, I've mentioned to him it's possible he's romantically into women but asexual when it comes to sex.

He wants more kids but I don't want to as I'm scared the marriage will breakdown if he's asexual, gay or just not attracted to me sexually. id rather be divorced with 1 kid than 2!

OP posts:
Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 12:39

40andlovelife · 31/12/2025 12:22

Is he watching a lot of porn without you knowing? If not then there’s something physically not right that needs to be checked out

He 100% does not watch porn

OP posts:
Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 12:39

peacefulpeach · 31/12/2025 12:25

Could he be gay? This is exactly the same story as a friends husband.

Could you tell me more, how did she find out?

I answered a previous post on whether I think he's gay

OP posts:
Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 12:40

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 31/12/2025 12:26

What was his relationship and sexual history before you married?

I’d usually be loathe to suggest he’s gay but the Christian thing did raise a few alarm bells.

I'm his first relationship. He has not had a lot of sex. Never orgasmed with a woman before during sex.
I answered a previous post about whether he's gay with more details

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 31/12/2025 12:40

BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 12:02

I don't want to leave him as things are great apart from sex.

Also, I'm not sure it would be fair as he's always been like this

Show quote history

would he take supplements to help with sex drive and testosterone that don’t require a blood test.

maca root supplements do work if you take them regularly.

i do think you being averse to him using viagra isn’t helpful if you want sex and for him to be able to perform with ED.

if he won’t go to the gp there isn’t much you can do. But if you are unhappy and this effects your future do not have a baby. He shouldn’t only make an effort with sex to get you pregnant. That is extremely rude

Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 12:43

beAsensible1 · 31/12/2025 12:40

would he take supplements to help with sex drive and testosterone that don’t require a blood test.

maca root supplements do work if you take them regularly.

i do think you being averse to him using viagra isn’t helpful if you want sex and for him to be able to perform with ED.

if he won’t go to the gp there isn’t much you can do. But if you are unhappy and this effects your future do not have a baby. He shouldn’t only make an effort with sex to get you pregnant. That is extremely rude

Edited
Show quote history

He said even his his testosterone is low he would not take testosterone.

Yeah, I know... I'm fine with the viagra I guess but I still feel sadness he does not orgasm. Sex feels like he's just doing it for me.

OP posts:
SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 31/12/2025 12:49

Does he understand that the marriage is in jeopardy because of this issue? I know you have said you don’t want to leave him but you have also said that you don’t want another baby due to the possibility of divorce. He deserves and needs to know that this is a potentially marriage-ending issue.
How does his faith impact his view of divorce? It seems as though his faith might be sufficiently strong that he is unwilling to consider that he might be gay. His refusal to get a simple blood test is selfish to the point of being unacceptable and it is not consistent with wanting his marriage to work.
I’m afraid I’m doubtful that this can be resolved and I think you are far too young to resign yourself to a sexless life with someone who won’t take even the most basic medical test. But I suspect your sexless life is because your husband is gay and that simply cannot be fixed by either of you.

peacefulpeach · 31/12/2025 12:50

BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 12:39

Could you tell me more, how did she find out?

I answered a previous post on whether I think he's gay

Show quote history

Sorry I’d missed that - it does seem questionable, from what you say about the way he is with his friend etc. I’m sorry.

How did my friend find out? 2 children into the marriage it became clearer something wasn’t right. Eventually he told her the truth (I think he’d been lying to himself too). He’s from a strict catholic family with 3 brothers. She wasn’t angry just sad, and relieved. It’s worked out ok now. They’re both with other people and I think (hope) the kids seem unscathed. They still live near each other which helps with the kids.