My husband has no sex drive

[BeGreenSwan]

I've been feeling down about this for a while so I'd like to ask for advice.

My husband is in his early 30s and I'm in my late 20s. My husband is a good man and I am happy to be with him. We have a good life and I'm a SAHM with a toddler. My husband works full time.

My husband struggles with a few sexual problems:

• He has a very low sex drive. He rarely thinks about sex (he said every few weeks but I think less). He does not initiate sex unless he thinks I'm ovulating and he thinks I would want to be sexual. He does not watch porn as well and hasn't for almost a decade. He can go months without sex and said he's just not that interested in it.
• He has never EVER had an orgasm during sex. This part makes me sad as I don't feel desired. He said he's just not able to. We used at home IUI to conceive.
• He will only orgasm when giving me oral. He also said this was the only porn he ever watched.
• He has erectile dysfunction. He has been using viagra since we were in our 20s. He said he's been like this even when he was in his late teens. This also makes me feel undesirable. He's stopped using it as much and it affects sex a lot.

Any advice about why he could be like this?

Before anyone asks - We are both Christian and whilst dating I didn't prioritise sex and thought things could get better. Obviously it's not better.
My husband wants another child but because of this marriage issue I don't feel comfortable.

Also - about me, I take good care of myself, I'm a healthy weight and hygienic. I've had sex with other men before marriage and I've never experienced anything like this before.

Because he can masturbate and give himself an orgasm at the same time?

This is NUTS.

OP I thought initially the main issue was that your husband is gay and in denial about it. And then you drop in to a post that the male friend he was giggly with on the phone, he also had a sexual encounter with, which YOU referred to as “sexual assault”!!! Woman, you’re further in denial than he is, if you’re rewriting/framing this as assault! When someone shows you who they are, believe them. This man has sexual contact with men, doesn’t fancy women, and has used prostitutes - and I would bet my life that they were male too. Cos if you’re going to pay for it, you might as well buy what you like, eh?

Please, open your eyes and SEE!

And then call in the lawyers. This one isn’t getting fixed ever.

I don’t see the point in forcing sex if he is really not into it. If you have a good relationship outside of sex , I don’t see why you can’t just continue with mutual interests …. If you are Christian and have a full life away from the bedroom, that is.

If you are dead set against getting divorced, then you just need to get on with it and work with what you have. If he’s good in other ways and you have an otherwise good marriage, it can work because sex is a want and not a need. If the genders were reversed all this talk of blood tests, hormones, etc would be rightly poo pooed. You can have a good healthy marriage without sex if you are willing to have one.

Sorry op but you and your husband are heavily in denial.
Your husband is gay.

He was the same when we got married. However, he never told me about the submission fetish so I thought the low sex drive and not finishing during sex could be due to something else.

I believe the marriage was consummated but I guess I'll have to do research.

@NowStartingOver
@Raisondeetre
@Interpink

I thought I'd address the prostitution thing here:

I know it's shocking. I was absolutely horrified when I found out. I found out months into the relationship after we fell in love, had been intimate and already talked about marriage.

I was already in love so I didn't want to judge him for it. He was in his early 20s when this happened. He said he was shy around women so he decided to pay. He now knows how wrong this is.

I’m not sure what you mean. Did you have sex or not?

this would make me either leave the marriage or depending on the age of DC go elsewhere
i couldn’t live a life of celibacy or having to be constantly given oral; sometimes good old fashioned penetration is what we want!

Yes we have had sex but he has never finished during sex

Update:

Forgot to mention this.

After long discussions, he mentioned that the incident with his friend was not an assault but he was just very drunk and curious about if he was fully straight so he didn't stop it. He wasn't sure he was fully straight as his parents are very homophobic. He said he did not enjoy what his friend did and that he is definitely straight.

My husband has been very open the past few days about this and really wants to make our marriage work.

I'm a straight woman.

I've never had to try out sex with a woman to "make sure".

Has anyone else?

He is lying and minimising, OP. It's what men do when they don't want to get caught or face up to their reality.

He may well want the relationship to work because it sounds like being a straight man would make his life so much easier. And no doubt you do matter to him. Sexual attraction is never a choice though.

I'm sorry you're having to negotiate this in your mind, it must be incredibly upsetting and confusing.

my understanding is if he's never finished inside you then the marriage has not been consummated so you could have it annulled.

Even if he’s gay?

I’d love to see a source for where this is decreed.

No divorce unless there’s serious abuse? He’s kept his sexuality a secret. If his parents weren’t homophobes he’d be well away with Dorothy.

As for the “wanted to be sure” incident, did he finish then? It certainly made an impression on him for him to have even brought it up.

And re consummation/annulment - if you haven’t had penetrative sex and ejacualtion, and presumably had to resort to the turkey baster, then that’s non consummation. But the fact that you have a child will mean some very awkward conversations if you go for annulment.

OP if you DID get divorced, it would be ok. And you would both be free to love and live how you want to.

Honestly OP I think you have some very strange attitudes. He’s used prostitutes before you and had an encounter with a man which he labelled as abuse but he’s still friends with the person. He’s wondered himself if he may be attracted to men. He doesn’t find sex with a woman fulfilling . He’s lied to you, he’s in denial and you conceived your child with DIY artificial insemination. Yet you want to continue in this sham of a marriage. I assume because of religious principles? Please at least get some counselling for yourself.

"He wasnt sure he was fully straight as his parents are homophobic" that sentance doesn't make any sense at all. He is desperate not to be gay because of the ramifications. But he is.
I think you know he is because your gut is telling you he is and you keep returning to the subject.
It seems like it is finally dawning on him that you are also part of the marriage and he needs to start considering you and not just himself and you might be considering ending the marriage.
Why does he want another child ? Is it as a sibling for his first child ? have you expressed a desire for a second child ? Or is it because he thinks it will make the marriage appear even more ""normal" to the outside world/ his parents.
Speaking of which, Christians who are deeply homophobic.... that's a whole new thread.

OP after reading your comments, he mirrors the pathway of my brother, as well as others I've worked with, who are ASD because again, they are just simply wired differently. I had numerous questions about sex from my brother, as well as others on the Spectrum, and it definitely is a pattern which is everything you mentioned. If he's willing to discuss the possibility of being tested, make sure you find a clinician that works with adult diagnoses. The link below is something I found and a very easy read and not from a clinical aspect. If he falls into this category, it's a matter of retraining how you interact with him. I wish you the best of luck, and please don't take any hard feelings about this because he's doing the best he can.

Autism and Sex: What Nobody Tells You About Relationships

This is a very mixed up man. Sorry for him but even more sorry for you and your child. You need to think about this and put yourself first.

He definitely sounds like he has issues around what sex is and about his real feelings. Maybe stemming from his parents’ homophobia in that he can’t admit he has sexual desire for men. You have to think about yourself now, you are both so young and deserve to be happy. It will not improve because he has no desire for it to improve . I’m sorry.

Plenty out there if you look for a definition of consummating a marriage!

Yet you can’t give one?

A lazy search on my part (Wikipedia) suggests the opposite.

”it is neither procreation (the act need not end in pregnancy, and neither is there a need of the possibility of it, given the fact the consummation is legally valid even if one or both parties is sterile)”

Consummation of marriage appears to be defined as ' ordinary and complete vaginal intercourse'. Non consummation only applies to opposite sex marriage.
That's the definition apparently.