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Original poster

My husband has no sex drive

194 replies

BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 10:54

I've been feeling down about this for a while so I'd like to ask for advice.

My husband is in his early 30s and I'm in my late 20s. My husband is a good man and I am happy to be with him. We have a good life and I'm a SAHM with a toddler. My husband works full time.

My husband struggles with a few sexual problems:

  • He has a very low sex drive. He rarely thinks about sex (he said every few weeks but I think less). He does not initiate sex unless he thinks I'm ovulating and he thinks I would want to be sexual. He does not watch porn as well and hasn't for almost a decade. He can go months without sex and said he's just not that interested in it.
  • He has never EVER had an orgasm during sex. This part makes me sad as I don't feel desired. He said he's just not able to. We used at home IUI to conceive.
  • He will only orgasm when giving me oral. He also said this was the only porn he ever watched.
  • He has erectile dysfunction. He has been using viagra since we were in our 20s. He said he's been like this even when he was in his late teens. This also makes me feel undesirable. He's stopped using it as much and it affects sex a lot.

Any advice about why he could be like this?

Before anyone asks - We are both Christian and whilst dating I didn't prioritise sex and thought things could get better. Obviously it's not better.
My husband wants another child but because of this marriage issue I don't feel comfortable.

Also - about me, I take good care of myself, I'm a healthy weight and hygienic. I've had sex with other men before marriage and I've never experienced anything like this before.

OP posts:
InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 31/12/2025 12:54

He orgasms through giving you oral, so I’m not sure I agree with posters saying they think he’s gay. Surely giving oral sex to women wouldn’t be a turn on for gay men? Why would he watch that type of porn if he was gay? Happy for others to explain this to me as I may be missing something.

I would want to explore his porn/masturbation habits further. Has he been watching porn from a young age and solo sex is the only way he knows how to orgasm? Does he have a death grip which means that normal sex doesn’t feel good enough to him ad he’s lost sensitivity? Perhaps these are things he could work through with a sex therapist if he wanted to save his marriage.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 31/12/2025 12:57

Sex is not important to him, he may even be asexual. PPs are pathologising that and saying that's selfish, but tbh to suggest that to him is verging on sexual coercion.

It's simply a fundamental incompatibility.

You have a choice: either you decide to live with your sex life as it stands, or you decide you can't and you divorce.

If you choose the latter, it sounds like he would be a good co-parent and an excellent friend.

SaveYourMoneyAndStopMakingMeCry · 31/12/2025 13:01

OP you need to realise here that he is incredibly selfish. He is aware of your concerns, wants and needs and is repeatedly putting his feelings first. That is not a 'good marriage' no matter how kind he is. Low testosterone is a medical issue. He doesn't care about himself enough to even get checked.

life is so fucking short to be spent with a stubborn guy who won't please you (or him) in the bedroom. You deserve more. He's probably more devoted to his church and the feelings of his god than he is the feelings of his wife! You are feeling undesired.. do you think you deserve that OP?

I know you said you don't want to leave. I didn't want to leave either. I had 1 child too. I left, discovered he had a porn addiction that he hid for best part of 10 years which is why EXH didn't want to go to the GP. I'm not saying that this is your husband but it is very unusual for a straight, young, healthy bloke that doesn't watch porn to not want sex and to rely on viagra.

I have a healthy sex life now, I am incredibly happy and I wish somebody would have said this sooner to me.

oh, my EXH was also sexting another bloke at work. Always denied he's gay, I don't care as it's not my problem anymore.

Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 13:02

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 31/12/2025 12:54

He orgasms through giving you oral, so I’m not sure I agree with posters saying they think he’s gay. Surely giving oral sex to women wouldn’t be a turn on for gay men? Why would he watch that type of porn if he was gay? Happy for others to explain this to me as I may be missing something.

I would want to explore his porn/masturbation habits further. Has he been watching porn from a young age and solo sex is the only way he knows how to orgasm? Does he have a death grip which means that normal sex doesn’t feel good enough to him ad he’s lost sensitivity? Perhaps these are things he could work through with a sex therapist if he wanted to save his marriage.

Edited

Yeah I agree. I don't think he would be so into oral if he was gay.

He does not masturbate or watch porn. He has not done so for almost a decade. Maybe once or twice but not until orgasm. From what he's told me.

He said sex does not feel as good as his hand (when he gives me oral he touches himself and maybe there is death grip).

OP posts:
noidea69 · 31/12/2025 13:03

Adding my voice to the gay comments.

blankcanvas3 · 31/12/2025 13:04

Okay so when he’s giving you oral he’s masturbating? He’s not orgasming without being touched?

He might not be gay or asexual, maybe he has some fantasies you aren’t aware of that get him off. When you’re giving him a hand job, can he cum from that?

Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 13:06

blankcanvas3 · 31/12/2025 13:04

Okay so when he’s giving you oral he’s masturbating? He’s not orgasming without being touched?

He might not be gay or asexual, maybe he has some fantasies you aren’t aware of that get him off. When you’re giving him a hand job, can he cum from that?

Yes.

Only if he is giving me oral, then yes he would orgasm from a hand job.

OP posts:
Luckyingame · 31/12/2025 13:07

Sorry, OP, no advice.
I have been like your husband all my life (woman, 46).
I married a man three decades older for security and also, to be left alone at this age.
All good.
Could your husband be perhaps asexual?
When I was growing up, it was never talked about/unknown.

Newbutoldfather · 31/12/2025 13:08

I don’t think he has no sex drive, he sounds like a repressed gay to me. Men aren’t giggly and don’t blush when they talk to a work colleague unless they are gay!

Because of his religion, he probably won’t admit it to himself even, and that will cause him (and you) all sorts of problems.

But, given your marriage is otherwise good, you should at least explore fixing things before giving up. He needs some serious individual counselling as well as you having couples counselling.

I think your only obligation is making clear to him that he needs to try to address it or your marriage is in danger. And make it clear this isn’t just talk by setting a date by which he has to do it.

Notmyreality · 31/12/2025 13:08

The fact he doesn’t orgasm during sex and only when giving oral indicates to me he has significant fetishes and that he does indeed watch porn and masturbate in secret, probably excessively.
Either that or he is gay.
It would be incredibly incredibly odd if he doesn’t masturbate at all.

blankcanvas3 · 31/12/2025 13:09

BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 13:06

Yes.

Only if he is giving me oral, then yes he would orgasm from a hand job.

Show quote history

I don’t think he’s gay. There’s no way that he would orgasm only when he’s giving you oral if he was gay. I’m going to go a bit left field here and suggest he’s potentially into the act of servitude. Have you tried being a bit more - ahem - dominant?

WarmGreyHare · 31/12/2025 13:10

BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 10:54

I've been feeling down about this for a while so I'd like to ask for advice.

My husband is in his early 30s and I'm in my late 20s. My husband is a good man and I am happy to be with him. We have a good life and I'm a SAHM with a toddler. My husband works full time.

My husband struggles with a few sexual problems:

  • He has a very low sex drive. He rarely thinks about sex (he said every few weeks but I think less). He does not initiate sex unless he thinks I'm ovulating and he thinks I would want to be sexual. He does not watch porn as well and hasn't for almost a decade. He can go months without sex and said he's just not that interested in it.
  • He has never EVER had an orgasm during sex. This part makes me sad as I don't feel desired. He said he's just not able to. We used at home IUI to conceive.
  • He will only orgasm when giving me oral. He also said this was the only porn he ever watched.
  • He has erectile dysfunction. He has been using viagra since we were in our 20s. He said he's been like this even when he was in his late teens. This also makes me feel undesirable. He's stopped using it as much and it affects sex a lot.

Any advice about why he could be like this?

Before anyone asks - We are both Christian and whilst dating I didn't prioritise sex and thought things could get better. Obviously it's not better.
My husband wants another child but because of this marriage issue I don't feel comfortable.

Also - about me, I take good care of myself, I'm a healthy weight and hygienic. I've had sex with other men before marriage and I've never experienced anything like this before.

Sounds like he might be somewhere on the asexual spectrum? Not everyone wants sex, thats not about you or how desirable you are, but how they are.

sciaticafanatica · 31/12/2025 13:10

There are actually porn videos on line of gay men giving oral to women.
so maybe this is his kink

Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 13:23

Newbutoldfather · 31/12/2025 13:08

I don’t think he has no sex drive, he sounds like a repressed gay to me. Men aren’t giggly and don’t blush when they talk to a work colleague unless they are gay!

Because of his religion, he probably won’t admit it to himself even, and that will cause him (and you) all sorts of problems.

But, given your marriage is otherwise good, you should at least explore fixing things before giving up. He needs some serious individual counselling as well as you having couples counselling.

I think your only obligation is making clear to him that he needs to try to address it or your marriage is in danger. And make it clear this isn’t just talk by setting a date by which he has to do it.

Yeah, I found it so strange how giggle he was. It reminded me of when he went giggly and shy with me when we started dating.

I guess as other posters mentioned, why is he so into oral?

Anyway, yes I'll discuss it with him more

OP posts:
Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 13:24

Notmyreality · 31/12/2025 13:08

The fact he doesn’t orgasm during sex and only when giving oral indicates to me he has significant fetishes and that he does indeed watch porn and masturbate in secret, probably excessively.
Either that or he is gay.
It would be incredibly incredibly odd if he doesn’t masturbate at all.

I once asked him if he watched porn. Most times he says no casually. This time I asked a different question - if he's ever watched it since we have been dating. He went really shaky and his eye twitched when he said no. He looked so uncomfortable. However, I know maybe he was honest.

OP posts:
Bebetterbetty · 31/12/2025 13:25

People here can speculate to the end of time about why he is as he is. It doesn’t really matter. He is like this and he’s clear he does not want to change.

You either stay with him and continue like this or you leave.

Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 13:25

blankcanvas3 · 31/12/2025 13:09

I don’t think he’s gay. There’s no way that he would orgasm only when he’s giving you oral if he was gay. I’m going to go a bit left field here and suggest he’s potentially into the act of servitude. Have you tried being a bit more - ahem - dominant?

Show quote history

Ive talked to him about the submissive thing and he agreed it's what he likes. However, he feels shame about it so we don't do it anymore. Also, I don't feel comfortable being dominant. I have enjoyed when my previous partners took the lead and orgasmed in minutes...

OP posts:
Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 13:25

sciaticafanatica · 31/12/2025 13:10

There are actually porn videos on line of gay men giving oral to women.
so maybe this is his kink

Wow, why would a gay man be into that? I had no idea

OP posts:
TeaRoseTallulah · 31/12/2025 13:29

40andlovelife · 31/12/2025 12:22

Is he watching a lot of porn without you knowing? If not then there’s something physically not right that needs to be checked out

I think this is possibly it. So he used to watch porn and so much so that it's conditioned him to only orgasm when giving oral and now he's stopped ? Not sure I quite believe that along with his reluctance to see a GP.

blankcanvas3 · 31/12/2025 13:30

BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 13:25

Ive talked to him about the submissive thing and he agreed it's what he likes. However, he feels shame about it so we don't do it anymore. Also, I don't feel comfortable being dominant. I have enjoyed when my previous partners took the lead and orgasmed in minutes...

Show quote history

Ah, there’s your problem. I think sadly you’re sexually incompatible

Interpink · 31/12/2025 13:31

Thing is though, I’m sorry to say that if things are THIS far off track, you’re all over now bar the shouting.

OP whilst relations are still cordial, get out and stay out.

TeaRoseTallulah · 31/12/2025 13:32

BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 12:37

Ive asked him several times if he's gay and he says no.

However... he has a male friend and they used to have weekly calls and check ins before this guy got married. That's fine. However, I remember my husband being very giggly during the calls and acting 'coy' and 'shy'. The content of the calls would be just work stuff but the way my husband would be so happy and giggly and blushy during the calls surprised me

Show quote history

I think this is your answer OP. Absolutely do not have another child until this is sorted .

Interpink · 31/12/2025 13:32

Also, ugh ugh to the stuff about when you’re ovulating!!! You’re not his breeder!

TeaRoseTallulah · 31/12/2025 13:34

Also you don't know 100%that he doesn't watch porn because you simply can't know for certain.

40andlovelife · 31/12/2025 13:37

BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 13:25

Wow, why would a gay man be into that? I had no idea

Show quote history

I have a gay male friend who watches straight porn. I was shocked and he said it’s a thing. I don’t think you can discount him being gay because he goes down on you. He could be imagining it’s something else if you get what I mean.