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Original poster

My husband has no sex drive

194 replies

BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 10:54

I've been feeling down about this for a while so I'd like to ask for advice.

My husband is in his early 30s and I'm in my late 20s. My husband is a good man and I am happy to be with him. We have a good life and I'm a SAHM with a toddler. My husband works full time.

My husband struggles with a few sexual problems:

  • He has a very low sex drive. He rarely thinks about sex (he said every few weeks but I think less). He does not initiate sex unless he thinks I'm ovulating and he thinks I would want to be sexual. He does not watch porn as well and hasn't for almost a decade. He can go months without sex and said he's just not that interested in it.
  • He has never EVER had an orgasm during sex. This part makes me sad as I don't feel desired. He said he's just not able to. We used at home IUI to conceive.
  • He will only orgasm when giving me oral. He also said this was the only porn he ever watched.
  • He has erectile dysfunction. He has been using viagra since we were in our 20s. He said he's been like this even when he was in his late teens. This also makes me feel undesirable. He's stopped using it as much and it affects sex a lot.

Any advice about why he could be like this?

Before anyone asks - We are both Christian and whilst dating I didn't prioritise sex and thought things could get better. Obviously it's not better.
My husband wants another child but because of this marriage issue I don't feel comfortable.

Also - about me, I take good care of myself, I'm a healthy weight and hygienic. I've had sex with other men before marriage and I've never experienced anything like this before.

OP posts:
NowStartingOver · 31/12/2025 13:38

Wouldn't be MN if one of the first ten responses didn't ask "Is he gay?".

blankcanvas3 · 31/12/2025 13:38

40andlovelife · 31/12/2025 13:37

I have a gay male friend who watches straight porn. I was shocked and he said it’s a thing. I don’t think you can discount him being gay because he goes down on you. He could be imagining it’s something else if you get what I mean.

Show quote history

I know a lot of lesbians who watch gay porn too

Raisondeetre · 31/12/2025 13:49

BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 12:37

Ive asked him several times if he's gay and he says no.

However... he has a male friend and they used to have weekly calls and check ins before this guy got married. That's fine. However, I remember my husband being very giggly during the calls and acting 'coy' and 'shy'. The content of the calls would be just work stuff but the way my husband would be so happy and giggly and blushy during the calls surprised me

Show quote history

He’s gay.

Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 13:50

TeaRoseTallulah · 31/12/2025 13:32

I think this is your answer OP. Absolutely do not have another child until this is sorted .

Show quote history

I guess I;m struggling to believe he is gay when he keeps saying he's not. Another thing I remember is that a male friend sexually assaulted him as a teen and he does not seem to care as they were drunk... but i'd be upset if someone did that to me.

He really wants more kids... however, I don't want to as I don't feel desired

OP posts:
Raisondeetre · 31/12/2025 13:53

He’s may not realise he’s gay. It doesn’t sound like he’s had any actual
sexual experience with men.

NowStartingOver · 31/12/2025 13:53

Can't see how you're going to help matters with constantly asking him if he's gay. If anything it's going to give him performance anxiety.

You're best doing something platonic together, take away the pressure of sex and see where it leads.

Interpink · 31/12/2025 14:01

NowStartingOver · 31/12/2025 13:53

Can't see how you're going to help matters with constantly asking him if he's gay. If anything it's going to give him performance anxiety.

You're best doing something platonic together, take away the pressure of sex and see where it leads.

Clearly it leads to no sex! Thats the issue!

Jellybunny56 · 31/12/2025 14:25

It sounds to me like if nothing else the two of you are just incompatible sexually, whether that is because he is gay or because you both prefer to be a submissive sexual partner, it doesn’t change the fact that ultimately you don’t align here.

Only the two of you can decide how much the impacts your relationship. If both of you are happy with that, content to essentially not really have a sexual relationship, that’s fine. If you want more though then it’s up to you to decide whether you’re prepared to end your marriage over this.

EarthSight · 31/12/2025 14:26

He said even his his testosterone is low he would not take testosterone

I find that very strange.

It's my belief that if men have a fantasy about being dominated by women, it doesn't mean they're actually sexually attracted to them, and it doesn't mean they're not gay.

It may sound strange, but they have this fantasy because they like being submissive and being humiliated, and for some, there's nothing more humiliating than being dominated by a woman (due to socialised misogyny). It's not because they're attracted to the female form.

Newbutoldfather · 31/12/2025 14:43

Seriously, how many straight guys do any of you know who blush and giggle on a work call with a male colleague?!

I agree it is a MN trope when men have sexual issue to ask whether they are gay, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t occasionally true! Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 14:47

EarthSight · 31/12/2025 14:26

He said even his his testosterone is low he would not take testosterone

I find that very strange.

It's my belief that if men have a fantasy about being dominated by women, it doesn't mean they're actually sexually attracted to them, and it doesn't mean they're not gay.

It may sound strange, but they have this fantasy because they like being submissive and being humiliated, and for some, there's nothing more humiliating than being dominated by a woman (due to socialised misogyny). It's not because they're attracted to the female form.

Edited

He does not like taking medicine or supplements.

I guess what you're saying makes sense!

OP posts:
Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 14:47

Newbutoldfather · 31/12/2025 14:43

Seriously, how many straight guys do any of you know who blush and giggle on a work call with a male colleague?!

I agree it is a MN trope when men have sexual issue to ask whether they are gay, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t occasionally true! Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Are you a guy?

Is it possible he could just admire this guy? He was a bit older and has similar interests to my husband

OP posts:
Newbutoldfather · 31/12/2025 14:48

@BeGreenSwan ,

Yes, I am a guy.

And I have never (and nor have I seen any other guy) act like that on a work call, even with the most brilliant and charismatic colleague.

Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 14:51

Newbutoldfather · 31/12/2025 14:48

@BeGreenSwan ,

Yes, I am a guy.

And I have never (and nor have I seen any other guy) act like that on a work call, even with the most brilliant and charismatic colleague.

I guess you're right...

He would blush so much and look so happy during the calls, his body would sway... it's hard to describe.

Why does he keep saying he's not interested in men?

OP posts:
TeaRoseTallulah · 31/12/2025 14:56

BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 14:51

I guess you're right...

He would blush so much and look so happy during the calls, his body would sway... it's hard to describe.

Why does he keep saying he's not interested in men?

Show quote history

Probably because you are unlikely to say " ah ok dear,no problem ,what are we having for dinner?" and more along the lines of you're leaving him.

TestTubeTina · 31/12/2025 15:14

He probably doesn't want to admit it to himself. I have a friend whose husband turned out to be gay. They were very religious and he suppressed his sexuality for years - enough for them to have 2 children and adopt a third before he broke down, came out, and left her for a man he'd met at work.

loislovesstewie · 31/12/2025 15:17

There could be lots of reasons why he won't admit to being gay. I don't know what church you belong to but some still think actively being gay is wrong, or it could be parental pressure to conform. Or he might just have wanted to have children. To appear to the world as a perfectly ordinary person.
Whatever it is I just think you need to decide if what you have is enough. If it's not then separate because you really will be wasting your time staying.

AltitudeCheck · 31/12/2025 15:21

a male friend sexually assaulted him as a teen

I think this might matter more than you realise. If a woman had a history of sexual assault and subsequently wasn't all that into sex we would certainly make the connection and have sympathy. Just because this happened to him with a male/ as a teen it doesn't mean he isn't hiding some significant shame or trauma that is subconsciously impacting him.

Add some religion, a bit of internalised homophobia and a lack of experience/ confidence in relationships and that's a whole lot of baggage going on!

arcticpandas · 31/12/2025 15:23

I understand your dh. Zero sex drive. I'm on antidepressants though. Is he on medication?

PinotPony · 31/12/2025 15:25

So, you know it’s not a physical issue because he is able to achieve orgasm by hand whilst giving you oral. That means it’s a psychological issue.

His mental block could be because he’s gay, or because he’s inexperienced, or because his religion causes him to feel shame, or because he was sexually assaulted, or because he’s secretly watching porn, or because he just doesn’t fancy you. But, if he’s unwilling to open up to you or a therapist, you’re never going to resolve the problem.

In your shoes, I’d be making it very clear that this was a deal breaker. If he refused to engage in counselling, the marriage would be over.

I know he’s a nice man and you love him but you’re both still young. Take it from those of us who have endured decades in a sexless marriage - the resentment just gets worse if you don’t address this early on.

arcticpandas · 31/12/2025 15:25

BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 14:51

I guess you're right...

He would blush so much and look so happy during the calls, his body would sway... it's hard to describe.

Why does he keep saying he's not interested in men?

Show quote history

Oh sorry read your update. Yes, he's gay as they come. But as he's Christian he doesn't dare to admit it to himself. Set him free and tell him that you know. You need to be with someone who is in to women, not in to hiding his homosexuality in a marriage.

AltitudeCheck · 31/12/2025 15:36

a male friend sexually assaulted him as a teen

I think this might matter more than you realise. If a woman had a history of sexual assault and subsequently wasn't all that into sex we would certainly make the connection and have sympathy. Just because this happened to him with a male/ as a teen it doesn't mean he isn't hiding some significant shame or trauma that is subconsciously impacting him.

Add some religion, a bit of internalised homophobia and a lack of experience/ confidence in relationships and that's a whole lot of baggage going on!

Newgirls · 31/12/2025 15:37

He sounds like he’s gay but hasn’t been able to explore that due to religion and internalised homophobia

he might also really love you and want a traditional relationship

I know a gay man in the church who is married to a woman. They get on well and I guess have made it work for them. He’s very open about it. He’s older though - 60s.

ThatGladTiger · 31/12/2025 16:26

There are many theories of why he is like this.

Ultimately you are unhappy and he refuses to engage with anything that will change the outcome.

You are far too young to live like this. Don’t settle! There is a better life out there - even if it’s alone!

You say you knew about this so you should stay. Give your head a wobble! You only have one life!

Hockorydickerydock · 31/12/2025 16:38

i Am wondering if he is gay!