My husband has no sex drive

[BeGreenSwan]

I've been feeling down about this for a while so I'd like to ask for advice.

My husband is in his early 30s and I'm in my late 20s. My husband is a good man and I am happy to be with him. We have a good life and I'm a SAHM with a toddler. My husband works full time.

My husband struggles with a few sexual problems:

• He has a very low sex drive. He rarely thinks about sex (he said every few weeks but I think less). He does not initiate sex unless he thinks I'm ovulating and he thinks I would want to be sexual. He does not watch porn as well and hasn't for almost a decade. He can go months without sex and said he's just not that interested in it.
• He has never EVER had an orgasm during sex. This part makes me sad as I don't feel desired. He said he's just not able to. We used at home IUI to conceive.
• He will only orgasm when giving me oral. He also said this was the only porn he ever watched.
• He has erectile dysfunction. He has been using viagra since we were in our 20s. He said he's been like this even when he was in his late teens. This also makes me feel undesirable. He's stopped using it as much and it affects sex a lot.

Any advice about why he could be like this?

Before anyone asks - We are both Christian and whilst dating I didn't prioritise sex and thought things could get better. Obviously it's not better.
My husband wants another child but because of this marriage issue I don't feel comfortable.

Also - about me, I take good care of myself, I'm a healthy weight and hygienic. I've had sex with other men before marriage and I've never experienced anything like this before.

Same. And the fact he gets angry when she says it too. No one gets angrier than a man accused of something he actually did

Thank, I don't want a divorce or to leave him. I think i'll have to just accept this as my sex life.

He wants another child a lot but I don't feel like it would be a good idea. He said we can discuss it again at the end of this year. However, I just feel strange... conceiving another child with someone who does not desire me. Most women are with men that are attracted to them sexually and not having that in my marriage feels bad.

Yes, that was the red flag for me.. he gets so angry when I ask about porn. I think there is a chance he is addicted.

It just seems unsual that a man not watching porn would have such a strong fetish

Usually when someone is hiding something that's the thing they become defensive about.

Might be worth listening to the podcast pbse together or separately see if that registers anything with him or you. There is a potential ofcourse he is gay but also that years or pornography use he has altered his sexual palate. Which if its the latter he can absolutely redefine again should he want to.

Either way him joining a men's group would be hugely beneficial for him to work on shame.
This all however hinges on him wanting to change.

What do YOU want for you life? I'd reccomend helping couples heal podcast not all will apply to you but might help some feelings of betrayal. Either way he hasn't been upfront and honest with you. Finding a betrayal informed therapist would be really beneficial for you.

Fetishes existed long before pornography. You said he had been sexually assaulted when he was younger.

Thanks, I'll listen to this.

Those podcasts sound great.

I want to be happy about my marriage again - I do feel betrayed and lied to so a therapist would help a lot

That's true.

He was sexually abused by a male friend. He downplays it a lot though because they were both drunk. He does not show any repulsion about the sexual abuse (which was gay of course) and he is even friends with this guy today. He just does not care about it.

This can be a very typical trauma response to almost pretend it didn't happen. He would need to explore this with a trained therapist. I'd really reccomend Chris jones therapy. He is minwhalla trained. Please check out secret sexual basement omar minwhalla. It may really shed some light for you on what can feel like such a hopeless place. Its not a easy road by any means but its very possible to heal from this together or apart.

If he does feel this is all relevant and wants to join a 12 step group. I would just add caution to do it in a way that suits you. Many 12 steps will encourage not to tell the partner or spouse everything. Personally I don't believe anything but transparency will heal trust.

Love after porn on reddit can also be a wonderful place for resources and community for you aswell. The naked truth project is great and can direct you in finding a wonderful therapist for yourself. Cat etherington is great.

Being told he's submissive probably doesn't get you that far. It provides some kind of excuse for not initiating, but at the end of the day it won't help you going forward to feel desired. There are ways you could meet that set of submissive desires of his, but if you're not naturally dominant that would quickly get fairly tedious. And be all about his desires, not yours.

Sorry not to sound more positive!

Make a plan to leave OP. Doesn't have to be straight away but this won't get any better. Don't leave just because of the sex,leave because he's lied to you all your married life. This doesn't bode well for the future. Do NOT have another baby with him.

I also think he is gay. As a Christian he’ll have been indoctrinated into believing it’s a sin and may fear rejection from God and also his family and church family.

Not all Christians share this view (that it’s a sin) but he doesn’t know that - he might have massively homophobic friends and/or Pastor/vicar/family. If he is it’s all sad that you’re both living a lie and you'd both be happier being in this into the light and living the truth.

As a Christian I have seen this with friends who’ve been fearful of coming out. I’d like to make it VERY clear that whilst some churches still say it’s ‘a sin’ and people who are gay should be celebate, this IS NOT a view shared by me, my friends or my church, nor one I’ve encountered in the wider Christian community, but I know the homophobia and judgment exists, sadly.

If he is gay, the truth will set him (and you) free. Having low testosterone but not wanting treatment suggests he knows he has an excuse to avoid sex, but if it was treated, that excuse would disappear - it’s convenient for him to hide behind this.

Thanks for all these resources, I'vehad a look at a few today.

We actually had a chat today and he confessed that penetrative sex is not a turn on for him, it's not something he watched in porn and would skip that and only watched oral sex on the woman. This makes sense, it's why he does not orgasm or want sex. He also never wanted oral on himself. I'm now in shock, I've married a man that just does not like sex that much!! He said he wants our sex life to improve but I'm not sure. How can a man go from not finding normal sex desirable or attractive to wanting that in his 30s.

We had another chat today - look at my most recent post to another user. I'm in complete shock, I married a man that just does not like sex.

I told him that I don't feel comfortable having another baby due to this and he accepted it.

I can't leave him, I just can't. He's a good dad and husband, also I do love and care for him.

I'm nervous about what the future holds... I'm scared he could even leave me

Thanks for the post, his parents are very homophobic. However, we are both not homophobic.

What a tragedy that watching porn destroys men’s normal sexual desires in this way. I’m surprised he watched it if he is a Christian. I was brought up in a very strict religion and that would not have been considered acceptable in any way.

Op there are many lavender marriages out there (if you think he might be gay in any way) and if that works for you both then great. However it sounds like he wasn’t entirely honest with you when you married so you need to have time to process that for yourself

He has lied and deceived you, before and after marriage. That is a far greater sin in many faiths, not just Christianity, than homosexuality. You have a duty to teach your child truth and compassion. Your child will hold you and your husband to account when they find out your parenting relationship is a sham.

Divorce is not a punishment, it is recognition that something is wrong in the relationship that cannot continue. Surely you would like to have a more normal loving sexual partnership in the future.

I think the sexually submissive thing is a red herring. If he was that way inclined but enjoyed heterosexual sex , surely he’d be initiating role play with you. There are several things that indicate he is/ could be gay. The flirty exchanges with his male friend. The lack of interest in penetrative sex with you . His very homophobic parents will have inculcated a shame about his sexuality. Of course this is very painful to contemplate ( for both of you) . But you are still young. Leaving him and eventually having a sexual relationship with someone who really desires you ( and I wish this for you) will be worth the upheaval. In the long run, it won’t be that healthy for your child to stay in this relationship. Kids pick up on stuff without us even knowing. I wish you all the best whatever you decide.

He may not realise himself if he is gay. He may genuinely be confused or in denial. There is no reason why a child should ever know the details of their parents sexual life. That is private .

I really feel for you, OP. You're basically just a close friend of his who you co-habitat with, and a future human incubator and co-parent. Do you see this man as a life partner? I would be grossed out by this. Maybe spending a week or two away from him and your home may offer some clarity? A few therapy sessions? A couple nights out with your friends - I'm pretty sure you're desirable and deserving of passionate intimacy.

He’s likely to be a shame avoidant (aren’t we all, but obviously there’s a scale from normal to extreme).

The fact that he’s still friends with the man who sexually abused him does raise questions for me. As a SA-survivor I cannot bear to be around men who have even a passing resemblance to my attacker, I certainly couldn’t be friends with the attacker themselves.

That said, SA-survivors all cope differently and his friendship with this man may, again, be part of his shame avoidance (by remaining friends with the man who assaulted him, it lessens the gravity of it in his mind, therefore the shame that he as a victim feels).

But the fact that his parents are homophobic and have strong ideas about the “right” way to have sex 🙄, indicates that there would be a huge amount of shame attached to him coming out. Combine that with him not finding penetrative sex with a woman a turn on, and having a flirtatious relationship with a man, does suggest that he may have suppressed his gay/bisexual/asexual tendencies to such an extent that even he can’t admit them to himself.

I’d be concerned that he might start paying to indulge his submissive fetish.

Don't want to go into it right now but you're welcome to read my thread about stuff I found out about my partner earlier this year.

Sissy porn, crossdressing, forced Fem content etc. I later learned that he is sexually submissive and researched the topic to death.

Basically submissive men aren't like other men. Their sexual desires don't come with that 'grr I need you now' type passionate lustful yearning that most men want. What they yearn for is to please a woman, often to be owned by her sexually (look up chastity cages), for her to take the initiative in sex, to order him around, sometimes to be his gf/wife's sex slave, ie used at her convenience, for her pleasure only.

If this causes issues within himself and his ideals of masculinity and he feels he falls short, this can sometimes become a humiliation fetish (cuckold, maids outfits abd other service type roles), though there's nothing to suggest this part with your husband.

Many women reading this might think this would be a dream for a woman, taking sex whenever they want it, husband only taking pleasure in pleasuring her, but it is in fact a nightmare because they just don't seem to desire you in the way you need to be desired. In that lustful, passionate, cannot keep their hands of you, almost aggressive, cannot help myself type way other men do.

Anyway, feel free to ask any questions, I have plenty of personal experience in this realm unfortunately.

I think the sexual assault holds the key here, who labelled it sexual assault? Did he describe a scenario to you and you said that’s assault or did he say it was assault?
If he’s submissive and he’s brushing the encounter off and remains friends with the male, was he assaulted at all or did he take pleasure from being dominated? Did he perhaps tell you about it as an assault in case the other male told you about their encounter and it was actually consensual (in a submissive role play kind of way).
Maybe it was an encounter that was an awakening his body needed but due to his religious views/parents he’s having to repress it. Very slowly he’s starting to let you in, but it’s taking him a long time. I think he needs to see a therapist, he can’t make you happy until he’s fully happy with himself.

Sexual therapy/psychotherapy sounds like a must for him. It will unlock some trauma eg sexual abuse from his past or hidden feelings he’s hiding.
I would not underestimate the power of prayer either. Pray for this together and ask for prayers at church.
A baby would only be on the cards for me if it was convicted the natural way since you know artificial insemination is not necessary in your case, it’s just done to appease him. That’s the easy answer to whether to have another baby or not, if he can’t do it the proper way it’s not happening.
You may be able to get an annulment rather than a divorce due to the sexual problems but it’s not clear cut since you’ve technically consummated the marriage although it’s arguable. Maybe that’s something you could look into? As a Christian I wouldn’t want to recommend a divorce to anyone.