My husband has no sex drive

[BeGreenSwan]

I've been feeling down about this for a while so I'd like to ask for advice.

My husband is in his early 30s and I'm in my late 20s. My husband is a good man and I am happy to be with him. We have a good life and I'm a SAHM with a toddler. My husband works full time.

My husband struggles with a few sexual problems:

• He has a very low sex drive. He rarely thinks about sex (he said every few weeks but I think less). He does not initiate sex unless he thinks I'm ovulating and he thinks I would want to be sexual. He does not watch porn as well and hasn't for almost a decade. He can go months without sex and said he's just not that interested in it.
• He has never EVER had an orgasm during sex. This part makes me sad as I don't feel desired. He said he's just not able to. We used at home IUI to conceive.
• He will only orgasm when giving me oral. He also said this was the only porn he ever watched.
• He has erectile dysfunction. He has been using viagra since we were in our 20s. He said he's been like this even when he was in his late teens. This also makes me feel undesirable. He's stopped using it as much and it affects sex a lot.

Any advice about why he could be like this?

Before anyone asks - We are both Christian and whilst dating I didn't prioritise sex and thought things could get better. Obviously it's not better.
My husband wants another child but because of this marriage issue I don't feel comfortable.

Also - about me, I take good care of myself, I'm a healthy weight and hygienic. I've had sex with other men before marriage and I've never experienced anything like this before.

Also this might change the tone slightly but I’d love it if my husband did oral all the time! She comes first and all that. I suppose there’s a slight positive but I do understand your frustration as well

Religion is just a buffer to protect yourself from fear.

Your life force is getting sucked out of you with this (the proof is posting on here in the first place 🚩 your H's lasting friendship with his so called sex attacker and you doing your best to believe it isn't true).
Christian-like? No, I do not think so at least. Protecting your heart and your DC's is what Jesus would advise over sacrificing your one and only life to your H over this shitshow.

He wasn't religious as a teenager even though his parents were

He said he didn't mean to lie and he thought things would get better during marriage and we would be able to have normal sex. He's been very apologetic the past few days and wants things to get better.

He has used sex workers in the past (I'm the first non sex worker he has been with) but he is now against it and knows it's wrong. He wasn't a Christian when he did that.

Wow, that's so similar to my situation! I'll have a look at your posts later and possibly ask more questions.

You are so right about how they aren't like other men, the problem is I don't find the submissive stuff attractive and prefer how normal men are sexually. I actually want to be desired.

Oh wow. I didn't think of it that way!!

I labelled it sexual assault. He just described it as a sexual act that his friend did to him and he seemed unbothered about it.

Thank you, we will pray together,

I don't believe in divorce unless there's serious abuse. I don't want a divorce.

It's not that great if that's the only way he gets pleasure and he never initiates sex as he does not even like to have sex with women.

What do you mean by the bit about the friendship? I always thought men don't talk about sexual assault much so he didn't know he was assualted. Do you think there's more?

I think if he only wants to do while ovulating that is very wrong, once you have finished having children, is sex over for you?

Something is radically wrong, it’s not your fault, and if he refuses to do anything about it, then that’s a big deal.

Frankly, that is pathetic. A blood test is nothing. I mean nobody "likes" them, but it's not a big deal. Whereas having a sexless marriage (unless it's what you both want) is.

Also keeping major information from you and gaslighting you and also lying. They are huge deals too.

I mean, it's not just a friendship. You just have no idea how much and what exactly he is covering up. Also, the homophobia from his parents. I would say your marriage is just a ruse to keep his parents and church happy and unquestioning. It is obvious your H is not hetrosexual.

I think because his sex drive is so low he does not see the point of sex outside of ovulation as that's when my drive is highest.

That's true.

It's been now days since I've had serious talks with him about our sex life and still no mention of him getting a blood test even though I've been mentioning it for months. I guess he's happy with his sex drive.

Yes, I'm starting to believe there's more to it when it comes to that friendship.

He's apologised to me yesterday for telling lies snd said he wants to improve our sex life. He seems very apologetic. He even mentioned I won't have to engage in any submissive stuff that he's into.

I'm willing to make it work, if he is. I struggle to believe he is gay though..

Or he knows there’s nothing wrong with it really.

sorry OP that you’re going through this. I would ask first if he was the same when you married him? Has he changed? Or always been this way?

Well, that’s putting a completely different complexion on things isn’t it. A sexual act he didn’t initiate so if he labels it as assault he doesn’t have to admit to himself he enjoyed it. No one stays friends with someone who genuinely sexually assaulted them.

An annulment is different to a divorce it means the marriage was never valid according to the Church, one of the ways to get an annulment is if the marriage was never “consummated”, which may or may not apply to you?

I couldn't be comfortable in the long term with this arrangement, it wouldn't go away. Each to their own, I guess. As long as you feel content in yourself and your own life, that's the main thing. I wish you well.

He has used prostitute previously?

The more details that come out, the worse that this gets. First he just wasn't interested in sex, and then he uses female domination porn (or whatever it's called) and now he's used prostitutes.

I assume that they are female (if so dispelling the obsession with his presumed homosexuality).

If he has this submissive qualities I suppose the male friend picked up on it as then assaulted him. Perhaps he sees being dominated by a man as another part of his submissive nature?

One thing is becoming clear, he doesn't respect you.

It sounds like he has been living a long way away from his real sexuality, in shame. It might not be that he is straightforwardly gay— he might be somewhere in between it all. It sounds like he needs to discover what his true self is, or admit it to himself, and be honest with you. In your situation I’d be saying that you wanted to establish honesty between you— true honesty, in which he is forthcoming. He should be able to tell you some of his deep thoughts and turn ons and open up. If he can’t do this in my opinion he is not keeping to his marriage promises.

He's used prostitutes before you and uses porn? Why are you even with him? I would find that utterly revolting.