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Original poster

My husband has no sex drive

194 replies

BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 10:54

I've been feeling down about this for a while so I'd like to ask for advice.

My husband is in his early 30s and I'm in my late 20s. My husband is a good man and I am happy to be with him. We have a good life and I'm a SAHM with a toddler. My husband works full time.

My husband struggles with a few sexual problems:

  • He has a very low sex drive. He rarely thinks about sex (he said every few weeks but I think less). He does not initiate sex unless he thinks I'm ovulating and he thinks I would want to be sexual. He does not watch porn as well and hasn't for almost a decade. He can go months without sex and said he's just not that interested in it.
  • He has never EVER had an orgasm during sex. This part makes me sad as I don't feel desired. He said he's just not able to. We used at home IUI to conceive.
  • He will only orgasm when giving me oral. He also said this was the only porn he ever watched.
  • He has erectile dysfunction. He has been using viagra since we were in our 20s. He said he's been like this even when he was in his late teens. This also makes me feel undesirable. He's stopped using it as much and it affects sex a lot.

Any advice about why he could be like this?

Before anyone asks - We are both Christian and whilst dating I didn't prioritise sex and thought things could get better. Obviously it's not better.
My husband wants another child but because of this marriage issue I don't feel comfortable.

Also - about me, I take good care of myself, I'm a healthy weight and hygienic. I've had sex with other men before marriage and I've never experienced anything like this before.

OP posts:
MrsDoubtingMyself · 31/12/2025 16:51

BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 14:51

I guess you're right...

He would blush so much and look so happy during the calls, his body would sway... it's hard to describe.

Why does he keep saying he's not interested in men?

Show quote history

I assume because he feels guilty?

I think he's gay. I think he has a lot of guilt about his feelings and has buried them.

For me it's a massive red flag that he won't do anything to help him provide you with great sex. Is this because he doesn't love/care for you? Or is it because he can't provide you with great sex because he doesn't fancy women?

BellissimoGecko · 31/12/2025 17:15

It sounds to me like he feels ashamed about feeling sexual desire - perhaps due to his religion?

Some counselling might help - if he was willing to go, and really work at it.

What do you want to happen?

Bloozie · 31/12/2025 17:43

Honestly he sounds seven shades of fucked up and without therapy I’m not sure meaningful answers can be found…

…but a sticking plaster solution would be to take it in turns being submissive and dominant. He can lick you into submission, you can… whatever him. You might not come every time if you’re not loving dominance, but it might kickstart his sex drive into a place he feels comfortable seeking further help
from.

However my default position would be, I couldn’t live like this. You’re you though. See if he’ll lick your feet tonight…

Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 18:34

I had a chat with him about this topic again.

He got very defensive.

He said he is not gay, not asexual, not into submissive stuff etc. I mentioned porn again and he reacted very defensively (he is very against porn). After this he was visibly annoyed.

He said he is open to getting his hormones checked if I want him to, I said sure he can get it checked.

OP posts:
MrsDoubtingMyself · 31/12/2025 18:47

BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 18:34

I had a chat with him about this topic again.

He got very defensive.

He said he is not gay, not asexual, not into submissive stuff etc. I mentioned porn again and he reacted very defensively (he is very against porn). After this he was visibly annoyed.

He said he is open to getting his hormones checked if I want him to, I said sure he can get it checked.

Wow. He's really a problem for you

TeaRoseTallulah · 31/12/2025 19:54

Don't make the appt for him,see if he is willing to do it himself OP.

TeaRoseTallulah · 31/12/2025 19:55

Interesting he got defensive,if I'd asked my dh those questions he'd have laughed .

Gloriia · 31/12/2025 20:09

40andlovelife · 31/12/2025 13:37

I have a gay male friend who watches straight porn. I was shocked and he said it’s a thing. I don’t think you can discount him being gay because he goes down on you. He could be imagining it’s something else if you get what I mean.

Show quote history

Exactly he's maybe fantasising about watching another man do it.

Op, sadly I would guess he is absolutely watching porn and masturbating and has kinks he won't share with you probably bdsm or gay. At this stage it doesn't matter, he is lying to you and keeping his sexual desires secret. You are too young to live like this, you are sexually incompatible so either split or stay and live with occasional oral sex Flowers.

Gloriia · 31/12/2025 20:10

The giggling and flirting with a man is a red flag. I've never known any man do this unless gay.

NowStartingOver · 31/12/2025 20:22

I can see how the MN advice is making matters worse, you're basically just repeating every weird theory to him. (And I'll be a hypocrite by weighing in some more).

It amazes me no one has picked up on how the first child was conceived. If he wants a second child then say it's got to be done naturally and he'll have to sort himself out for that to be the case.

Asking him if he's into foot fetish or BDSM is not going to work.

Gloriia · 31/12/2025 20:51

NowStartingOver · 31/12/2025 20:22

I can see how the MN advice is making matters worse, you're basically just repeating every weird theory to him. (And I'll be a hypocrite by weighing in some more).

It amazes me no one has picked up on how the first child was conceived. If he wants a second child then say it's got to be done naturally and he'll have to sort himself out for that to be the case.

Asking him if he's into foot fetish or BDSM is not going to work.

Well telling him 'it's got to be done naturally and he'll have to sort it' isn't overly helpful either.
For any progress to be made he has to be able to share what his turn ons are. Whether that is bdsm or other men or something else. If he's been brought up in a strict religious household he may well have issues sharing.

saltandlineker · 31/12/2025 21:15

He’s addicted to porn. I’d bet my house on it.

NowStartingOver · 31/12/2025 23:14

Gloriia · 31/12/2025 20:51

Well telling him 'it's got to be done naturally and he'll have to sort it' isn't overly helpful either.
For any progress to be made he has to be able to share what his turn ons are. Whether that is bdsm or other men or something else. If he's been brought up in a strict religious household he may well have issues sharing.

Show quote history

That's why I did say that my post would be hypocritical.

But I find it strange that he's highly religious yet seems fine for a baby to be conceived via artificial insemination. I would've thought that it's very simple to just ask that if he wants another child he's got to have sex to produce it, that would be the incentive for him to to something about it.

Wsiw71 · 31/12/2025 23:44

He is genuinely homosexual and does not want to admit it as it is against his religious beliefs. Until he comes to recognise this he will always be unhappy.

You will never satisfy him or yourself. Leave and find another partner or not. No matter what he says never have another child with him as that is the way to destroy your mental health and your childrens' happiness.

Find your own happy life.either on your own or with another partner.

Tinseltoe · 31/12/2025 23:51

Christians still believe in conversion therapy, which is STILL legal in the UK.

I couldn't stay in a LTR without sex and desiring one another. It's a no from me.

Tinseltoe · 31/12/2025 23:52

I do think he is probably gay.

StopBothering · 01/01/2026 00:13

Occam's Razor.

Him saying he will get his testosterone level checked "if you want him to" is just stalling.

Why doesn't he want to?

He can orgasm whilst giving you oral because at the same time he is wanking. His dick is in his hand. I'd hazard a guess that there is nothing wrong with his testosterone level; rather, PP are correct and he is gay.

The description you have provided regarding his reaction with a male colleague, combined with his inability to ejaculate during regular sex etc, and this having always been the case, and there not being any other known medical issues, combined with his religious beliefs and desire for children (presumably his religious beliefs are incongruent with being openly gay) - it is all pointing to the most obvious reason.

Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 01/01/2026 09:18

Update:

He finally confessed after 4 years that he is sexually submissive. He said he wants to change but I'm not sure if that's possible as he has had this fetish for such a long time.

It makes sense he can't orgasm during penetration as I guess its not submissive enough for him

OP posts:
Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 01/01/2026 09:18

MrsDoubtingMyself · 31/12/2025 18:47

Wow. He's really a problem for you

Show quote history

I just posted an update

OP posts:
Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 01/01/2026 09:19

TeaRoseTallulah · 31/12/2025 19:54

Don't make the appt for him,see if he is willing to do it himself OP.

Yeah I agree, I'd like him to take the initiative

OP posts:
Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 01/01/2026 09:20

TeaRoseTallulah · 31/12/2025 19:55

Interesting he got defensive,if I'd asked my dh those questions he'd have laughed .

He laughs sometimes when I ask if he is gay - but the porn thing really annoys him

OP posts:
Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 01/01/2026 09:21

NowStartingOver · 31/12/2025 23:14

That's why I did say that my post would be hypocritical.

But I find it strange that he's highly religious yet seems fine for a baby to be conceived via artificial insemination. I would've thought that it's very simple to just ask that if he wants another child he's got to have sex to produce it, that would be the incentive for him to to something about it.

Show quote history

We are religious but not homophobic or against IVF/IUI.

He would be happy to have another child the way we did before (he has told me).

OP posts:
Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 01/01/2026 09:22

Wsiw71 · 31/12/2025 23:44

He is genuinely homosexual and does not want to admit it as it is against his religious beliefs. Until he comes to recognise this he will always be unhappy.

You will never satisfy him or yourself. Leave and find another partner or not. No matter what he says never have another child with him as that is the way to destroy your mental health and your childrens' happiness.

Find your own happy life.either on your own or with another partner.

I just don't know if he is gay, I don't want to believe that... (I'm not homophobic , I just want to be with a straight man).

I just posted an update - he told me he is submissive.

I'd love another child but I just don't feel comfortable right now. I wonder if I should though as he is a good dad

OP posts:
Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 01/01/2026 09:24

StopBothering · 01/01/2026 00:13

Occam's Razor.

Him saying he will get his testosterone level checked "if you want him to" is just stalling.

Why doesn't he want to?

He can orgasm whilst giving you oral because at the same time he is wanking. His dick is in his hand. I'd hazard a guess that there is nothing wrong with his testosterone level; rather, PP are correct and he is gay.

The description you have provided regarding his reaction with a male colleague, combined with his inability to ejaculate during regular sex etc, and this having always been the case, and there not being any other known medical issues, combined with his religious beliefs and desire for children (presumably his religious beliefs are incongruent with being openly gay) - it is all pointing to the most obvious reason.

He does not want to as he is happy with his sex drive the way it is.

Good point about why he can orgasm with oral... wow, maybe it has nothing to do with the oral!

As posted in the update, he admitted he is submissive. I'm not surprised but I'm still wondering if he is closeted

OP posts:
loislovesstewie · 01/01/2026 09:49

Honestly, OP, I think you just need to decide if you can carry on like this for the rest of your life. I don't think he will change, I don't think he wants to change. He wants to be submissive, can you tolerate that? If it's not something you can actively go along with I would say it's better to finish it and start over. And please, don't bring another child into your life, it will tie you even more to him.