Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has no sex drive

194 replies

BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 10:54

I've been feeling down about this for a while so I'd like to ask for advice.

My husband is in his early 30s and I'm in my late 20s. My husband is a good man and I am happy to be with him. We have a good life and I'm a SAHM with a toddler. My husband works full time.

My husband struggles with a few sexual problems:

  • He has a very low sex drive. He rarely thinks about sex (he said every few weeks but I think less). He does not initiate sex unless he thinks I'm ovulating and he thinks I would want to be sexual. He does not watch porn as well and hasn't for almost a decade. He can go months without sex and said he's just not that interested in it.
  • He has never EVER had an orgasm during sex. This part makes me sad as I don't feel desired. He said he's just not able to. We used at home IUI to conceive.
  • He will only orgasm when giving me oral. He also said this was the only porn he ever watched.
  • He has erectile dysfunction. He has been using viagra since we were in our 20s. He said he's been like this even when he was in his late teens. This also makes me feel undesirable. He's stopped using it as much and it affects sex a lot.

Any advice about why he could be like this?

Before anyone asks - We are both Christian and whilst dating I didn't prioritise sex and thought things could get better. Obviously it's not better.
My husband wants another child but because of this marriage issue I don't feel comfortable.

Also - about me, I take good care of myself, I'm a healthy weight and hygienic. I've had sex with other men before marriage and I've never experienced anything like this before.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 06/01/2026 17:33

NumbersGuy · 06/01/2026 06:52

OP after reading your comments, he mirrors the pathway of my brother, as well as others I've worked with, who are ASD because again, they are just simply wired differently. I had numerous questions about sex from my brother, as well as others on the Spectrum, and it definitely is a pattern which is everything you mentioned. If he's willing to discuss the possibility of being tested, make sure you find a clinician that works with adult diagnoses. The link below is something I found and a very easy read and not from a clinical aspect. If he falls into this category, it's a matter of retraining how you interact with him. I wish you the best of luck, and please don't take any hard feelings about this because he's doing the best he can.

Autism and Sex: What Nobody Tells You About Relationships

Thanks for the message, I did suspect he had ASD a while a go. What in particular makes you think he has it?

OP posts:
Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 06/01/2026 17:35

andthat · 05/01/2026 23:15

Even if he’s gay?

Show quote history

He hasn't said he is gay. Therefore, I guess I should believe that until otherwise

OP posts:
Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 06/01/2026 17:35

Interpink · 05/01/2026 23:39

No divorce unless there’s serious abuse? He’s kept his sexuality a secret. If his parents weren’t homophobes he’d be well away with Dorothy.

As for the “wanted to be sure” incident, did he finish then? It certainly made an impression on him for him to have even brought it up.

And re consummation/annulment - if you haven’t had penetrative sex and ejacualtion, and presumably had to resort to the turkey baster, then that’s non consummation. But the fact that you have a child will mean some very awkward conversations if you go for annulment.

OP if you DID get divorced, it would be ok. And you would both be free to love and live how you want to.

He said he did not finish or enjoy it. Good point, I wonder why he told me in the first place. For years I thought he was assaulted until literally a few days ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 06/01/2026 17:37

Raisondeetre · 06/01/2026 03:59

Honestly OP I think you have some very strange attitudes. He’s used prostitutes before you and had an encounter with a man which he labelled as abuse but he’s still friends with the person. He’s wondered himself if he may be attracted to men. He doesn’t find sex with a woman fulfilling . He’s lied to you, he’s in denial and you conceived your child with DIY artificial insemination. Yet you want to continue in this sham of a marriage. I assume because of religious principles? Please at least get some counselling for yourself.

Show quote history

You're right, after all of this I will need counselling. It's been a shock to me after all these years. I guess I'm finding it hard to accept that this is my marriage - I just wanted a normal marriage and now I've realised it's not.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 06/01/2026 17:40

G365 · 06/01/2026 05:44

"He wasnt sure he was fully straight as his parents are homophobic" that sentance doesn't make any sense at all. He is desperate not to be gay because of the ramifications. But he is.
I think you know he is because your gut is telling you he is and you keep returning to the subject.
It seems like it is finally dawning on him that you are also part of the marriage and he needs to start considering you and not just himself and you might be considering ending the marriage.
Why does he want another child ? Is it as a sibling for his first child ? have you expressed a desire for a second child ? Or is it because he thinks it will make the marriage appear even more ""normal" to the outside world/ his parents.
Speaking of which, Christians who are deeply homophobic.... that's a whole new thread.

Edited
Show quote history

We both enjoy being parents and he is a very good dad. He said whenever I would like another child/choose to - he would also like another child.

If I have another child it won't be right now as I don't really want to because of this marital problem. He has also recently accepted this.

OP posts:
PrincessofWells · 06/01/2026 17:43

BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 10:59

Ive been telling him to get a testosterone test, he said he does not like blood tests though. He seems happy with the way he his.

Show quote history

But you are not. Only you could decide whether this is a deal breaker for you. (You will come to resent it so much - you should split now and save the hassle).

NowStartingOver · 06/01/2026 17:51

But of an obsession over labels here. Annulment or divorce? Well it means the end of the marriage and the relationship. ASD or not? His behaviour is still the same.

It is possible that people sexually experiment when they're young. Fetishes develop during childhood, so something in his life caused the sexual submissiveness. It's probably him then questioning if he is gay because he doesn't enjoy PiV penetration, tried it with a male friend and then didn't bother again.

WednesdayAllTheWay · 06/01/2026 18:10

Oh OP this is bad. Just RTFT and there's quite a drip feed going on which may be because you are in denial. When you add it all up, it's bad.
The posts by @interpinkare spot on.

Regardless of why he is like this (FWIW i think he's gay too) are you really willing to sacrifice your sex life and the chance to have a second child for the rest of your life? Thats a very long time to be unhappy and unfulfilled (and later most likely resentful, angry, and possibly alone if he eventually comes out and leaves you).

I'm not Christian but doesnt the Church believe sex is an important part of marriage? Do you really believe God intends your marriage to be like this?

Newgirls · 06/01/2026 19:27

You can enjoy being parents together.

you can enjoy living together and being best friends

however the sex life you want isn’t going to happen

so do you discuss how you make it work? You both have other partners? Come to an arrangement? If you both agree then it’s fine. You suit yourselves. But if you want something he can’t provide it’s ok to move on.

PinotPony · 07/01/2026 08:16

Based on the new information from you, I think he’s gay. There’s simply too many signs too ignore.

  1. He experimented with a male friend when younger - which suggests he found men attractive.
  2. He is silly and giggly with his male colleague.
  3. He has homophobic parents which would almost certainly cause him to feel some shame.
  4. He cannot orgasm from PIV but can from a hand job. The problem isn’t his penis, it’s the vagina which he doesn’t want.
  5. He’s giving you oral as a means to satisfy you, whilst his mind is elsewhere . I highly doubt he’s sexually aroused by it.
  6. His submissive nature is a red herring. I bet if you tried to dominate him sexually, he wouldn’t be turned on. I think he wants to be submissive to a man.

I really think you need to wake up and smell the coffee OP. You’re being very naive if you think this is a marriage which will stand the test of time.

Original poster
BeGreenSwan · 07/01/2026 19:59

Thank you all for your input in this thread. I appreciate all the advice and support. I will take a break from this thread unless I feel necessary to update.

This marital issue is very difficult for me and I'll have to think about everything carefully over time.

My husband is starting therapy. He would really like to improve our marriage and promises me that we will have a normal sex life one day. Yesterday, he thought I was distancing from him and was in tears so I would really like to support him.

I feel hopeful, however as recommended I will need to talk to a therapist. I'm finding it hard to process everything my husband has told me these past few days.

OP posts:
BuckChuckets · 07/01/2026 20:52

This is such a heartbreaking example of religious indoctrination. The poor man is in tears because he feels shame about who he is so intensely.

TheGander · 07/01/2026 21:27

Good luck OP, this can’t be easy , I’m sure everyone on here wishes you well whatever decision you make.

LucyLoo1972 · 06/02/2026 00:47

BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 10:59

Ive been telling him to get a testosterone test, he said he does not like blood tests though. He seems happy with the way he his.

Show quote history

I dont like blood tests btu I have so many health problems now I have to have them a lt and its fine

LucyLoo1972 · 06/02/2026 00:48

BuckChuckets · 07/01/2026 20:52

This is such a heartbreaking example of religious indoctrination. The poor man is in tears because he feels shame about who he is so intensely.

I think the may be the same for my husband and I don t think he can cope with me bing a sexual being

LucyLoo1972 · 06/02/2026 00:52

WednesdayAllTheWay · 06/01/2026 18:10

Oh OP this is bad. Just RTFT and there's quite a drip feed going on which may be because you are in denial. When you add it all up, it's bad.
The posts by @interpinkare spot on.

Regardless of why he is like this (FWIW i think he's gay too) are you really willing to sacrifice your sex life and the chance to have a second child for the rest of your life? Thats a very long time to be unhappy and unfulfilled (and later most likely resentful, angry, and possibly alone if he eventually comes out and leaves you).

I'm not Christian but doesnt the Church believe sex is an important part of marriage? Do you really believe God intends your marriage to be like this?

we had sexual problems in our marriage - we are both Christian too. my husabnd just would not engage with them or talk about it or do anythign to help resolve it. from this and other stress I went into psychosis which destroyed our lives be cause the consequences were so far reaching. childhood trauma was a factor too.

but the argument I always used with him is that for Christians Sex is central to a marriage - it kind if is the act of getting married - two become one flesh. and the Bible wants clearly that neither man or a woman should withhold sex for prolonged periods of time

AzureRose · 06/02/2026 00:53

BeGreenSwan · 31/12/2025 10:59

Ive been telling him to get a testosterone test, he said he does not like blood tests though. He seems happy with the way he his.

Show quote history

EditI didn't notice someone had dragged up an old thread.

LucyLoo1972 · 06/02/2026 01:42

beAsensible1 · 31/12/2025 12:40

would he take supplements to help with sex drive and testosterone that don’t require a blood test.

maca root supplements do work if you take them regularly.

i do think you being averse to him using viagra isn’t helpful if you want sex and for him to be able to perform with ED.

if he won’t go to the gp there isn’t much you can do. But if you are unhappy and this effects your future do not have a baby. He shouldn’t only make an effort with sex to get you pregnant. That is extremely rude

Edited
Show quote history

he really needs to grow up and get blood tests. its not that bad

moderate · 06/02/2026 01:53

BeGreenSwan · 07/01/2026 19:59

Thank you all for your input in this thread. I appreciate all the advice and support. I will take a break from this thread unless I feel necessary to update.

This marital issue is very difficult for me and I'll have to think about everything carefully over time.

My husband is starting therapy. He would really like to improve our marriage and promises me that we will have a normal sex life one day. Yesterday, he thought I was distancing from him and was in tears so I would really like to support him.

I feel hopeful, however as recommended I will need to talk to a therapist. I'm finding it hard to process everything my husband has told me these past few days.

Edited

Sounds like you're doing all you can to try to work through this.

Don't completely discount that he's gay just because he says he's not. It's sounds like religion looms large for you both.

If he is gay, you'll both be happier separated, but if you don't want to put him through the stigma of that, I think you could agree between yourselves that your marriage was never consummated and is therefore morally annulled even if not legally so. In which case you could both pursue other relationships without breaking your religious moral codes.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page