Friend crossing boundary with husband?

[xxCharlottexx]

I’m looking for opinions and advice please xx

So I’ve recently got back in touch with an old friend after falling out for 7/8 years, Literaly not speaking at all. She’s recently split from her husband and is living back at home with their 4 children. She’s the 1 who reached out.

She’s been round the house a fair few times recently and she seemed to hit it off with my husband quite well. They’re both ‘gym goers’ so that seems to be their common interest.

Anyway, now it seems like she’s messaging him a lot privately on social media. It was just memes to start with, but now she’s constantly asking for ‘gym advice’, ‘what to eat, what exercises to do’ etc.

I’ve seen the messages and they are quite flirty, little love heart emojis, kisses etc. It seems fine from my husbands end as his messages are quite blunt, and sometimes even ignores them when she’s trying to carry on the conversation. She likes every post / story he puts up and comments privately on them.

I feel it’s a little bit much, but I don’t know whether I’m just being paranoid or not? My husband says he’s just being polite by messaging back.

We recently had a night out in town where my husband a few friends met us later in the night. She was taking loads of photos of them both together ( we both agreed it was a bit weird ) and then sent like 10 photos to him privately the next day. It Literaly looked like they were a couple as she had her arm round him with the biggest smile on her face.

I haven’t seen her in person since then and I’ve deliberately said I’ve been busy to avoid meeting her. But i obviously can’t ignore her forever. Should I just tell her that I feel it’s crossing my boundary as a friend? Or maybe just go for the cowards way out and get my husband to block her, then pretend he deleted his account. I really don’t like confrontation but feel I should say something.

Take her to fuck off and get back out of touch.

Tell you your dh to talk gym with dave and John.

What a weirdo!

Tbh if I was in this situation I wouldn’t want to message her and appear like I’m ‘fighting’ over him. I’d probably get my husband to be more harsh with her and ignore her. Hopefully he will oblige if he’s been blunt with her already and finds it weird

Yeah he showed me and promised there wasn’t any more.

Seems like she’s way too much drama and you survived quite happily without her in your life. You clearly don’t trust her. I would pull back. Don’t make it a big deal but ‘forget’ to respond to invites and messages and get your DH to only respond occasionally with very blunt messages. She’ll get the picture she’s not important to either of you and hopefully stop embarrassing herself.

Quite a few things. She would always cancel on plans last minute, even when I’d taken a day off work, or dropped the kids off with my mum to meet her. Also I feel she kind of dropped me for her other ‘mum friends’ until I had some myself. So nothing massive, but just lots of things that annoyed me.

I wouldn’t do boundaries talk with her, it’s useless.
Is she going to the same gym as your DH ?

Has she got any other connection to your circle apart from you?

Agreed. Better to just drop her as fast as you can

I'm not surprised you fell out and lost touch before, she sounds like a predatory nightmare. She's not your friend, friends do not make a beeline for your husband . Tell her straight to leave him alone and that you want nothing more to do with her.

No they go to separate gyms, but she asked him to start going to her gym to ‘help her’.

She’s actively disrespecting you and your marriage by hitting on your husband. I wouldn’t keep her as a friend. You don’t owe her an explanation, just stop hanging out with her and have your husband block her on everything.

He needs to stop responding and stop helping. Simple as that

Your husband needs to stop being 'polite'.

He should care more about how you feel than how she does.

If your not happy than you need to cut her out first and your husband can then block her. He didn't bring her into your life and it is difficult to ignore a person on SM who is nominally a "friend". Chances are she just wants drama so you may as well give it to her.

She know's she's crossing boundaries - and probably enjoys drama.

I'd block her - get your husband to do the same (and I'd watch his reaction to your request to do so as well)

If you both block her on everything that'll be the end of it - you went NC before so should be easy to do again.

Your DH should message her himself one last time saying that she should stop messaging him.
You should stop inviting her, contacting her etc and remove her from your FB friends.

If she would message you or your DH after that with sort of an apology I would answer her politely that it seems your friendship run out its course and it’s better if you’d go separate ways.
If she would do aggressive messages I would consider involving police.

She sounds awful. You need to ditch her as a friend and get your husband to block her. It’s a lot more difficult for him to tell her to leave him alone if she’s your friend, because it’s awkward saying ‘Fuck off, you loon’ to someone your partner wants to maintain a friendship with. He’s already being curt with her, and that’s not working.

You've got something she wants, and she isn't exactly going about getting what she wants surreptitiously, is she?

Your DH needs to stop responding to her messages altogether, and if she carries on trying to contact either of you, then maybe you will have to 'have words'.

I would not be friends with someone like that. Completely inappropriate behaviour. Cut her out and get your husband to block her too. He should have told her a long time ago to stop messaging him.

As you are both uncomfortable with her behaviour this is really easy to fix.

Your DH needs to say a straightforward “no” to inappropriate requests like going her gym.

He should block her from private messaging him.

You should no longer invite her to your home, or let her drop in.

Personally I’d stop seeing her at all, but at the very least you should limit it to nights out your DH isn’t on.

She appears to be either deliberately trying to cause trouble or have no idea about appropriate and respectful boundaries - so not someone I’d want to spend time with.

However you both need to grow a backbone:

1)Why on earth did he allow her to take some many selfies with her arm round him - he could have shut that down after the first one.

2. You need to learn how to deal with conflict. It’s a basic adult skill and you need to acquire it so that you can model good conflict resolution skills to your children. Not liking conflict isn’t the mark of a “nice person”, it’s the mark of a doormat.

Personally I would not want an old friend, who in fact has not been a friend for 7/8 years because of a falling out, making contact but concentrating on my husband. Why would she do this? Even if lonely you don't target other people's husbands for private conversations about the gym or anything else. A man's female 'mate' who he's known for years, maybe through a hobby or work is one thing ...and even that can end up causing problems .. but to suddenly pop up when single after 7/8 years of silence and concentrate communication on your husband is something else. How are you supposed to know what her actual motivation is. Are you sure that she really does want a friendship with you now or could she be a 'frenemy' still holding grudges, lonely, with time on her hands, wanting to disrupt your relationship out of jealousy/revenge or even boredom with her own life. The point is, after 7/8 years of silence you have no way of knowing and she is concentrating on your husband not you. I would be quietly, with as little fuss as possible, distancing both of you from this friend or 'friend' . I don't know which it is and I don't know how you could tell either. I don't think either you or your DH need this woman in your lives 💐

Urgh very similar has happened to me before

These types of women have no boundaries and no shame. You both need to cut her off like a diseased limb and never have contact again. She's getting far too familiar and I know what her goal is.