Husband doesn't want my baby

[Mumoftwo2020]

Hi all. I've been with my partner 6 years. He is 12yrs older than me. I have 2 teen kids (I was married 16yrs to ex husband) and he has 3 adult kids from his previous 25yr marriage.
Wanting more kids has never been something I had even considered until a year or so ago so we had never discussed it, as I suppose we both thought we were 'done'. I'm now 40 and I am really craving a 3rd child....to the point I struggle seeing pregnant women out in the street. I have had fertility struggles (9 miscarriages to get my 2 existing children) and when they were small it was literally the happiest period of my life - I loved it. They are now independent and loving life but as I had them so young compared to my friends, amd they are now older and dont need me in the same way as quite rightly want to be out with their mates, I feel a little lost and want to do it all over again. Lots of my friends are pregnant with the final baby or have very young kids. My husband is absolutely adamant he does not want more and whilst I respect that, it does make me feel sad. He feels, at 52, that he is far too old. I don't really have a relationship with his kids and his ex wife has been problematic. I don't blame him as I respect his right to choose, but I'm a little resentful that he had 3 with his ex (she was also 40 with their youngest and wanted 1 more before menopause) and I won't get that chance. I have done a lot for my husband over the years and it hasn't always been easy (I support us financially- I own our house and pay the mortgage, pay for all our holidays and food and work very hard in a senior job i have to support my kids and him - he earns much less and a big chunk of his money goes in maintenence to his ex) so I crave something just for me.
I guess I'm not looking for confirmation that he is in the right or wrong as it is what it is, just wondered if anyone else had been in this place and managed to switch the broodiness off? I just want to be able to move forward without this craving as its so hard.

29. She had my wee brother at 29 and me at 19

I had my second at 40 after 3 mcs, but DH is the same age and there is no way I would have had a third at that age. It is highly likely that you would have more mcs before you were successful - could you cope with that?

I think you need to tell yourself firmly that you were lucky to have your two, and enjoy the stage of life you’re in now.

I'm 42 and DD has just turned 18. She's heading off to uni this year.

And I'm not going to lie, I can't fucking wait. Mostly for her, because I think it'll be the absolute making of her, but also because it means I get to discover who I am again, and who me and DP are as a couple again. We've done the difficult bit (hopefully) and now we get to rediscover us again. I can't imagine wanting to start all over again, because there's all these parts of me that have been suppressed, that I want to let go. If you're not feeling the same, then why not? Why is your identity so tied up in being a parent, that you can't see yourself outside of that?

Because people aren't robots and don't have the same feelings about everything in life?

Never said they did. But OP can either feel like shit about the hand life has dealt her, or deal with it and enjoy the life she actually has.

Help in a nursery for a few weeks! That is a good way of taking off the rose tinted glasses about little ones.

More seriously, being broody is hard to deal with but realistically starting from scratch would be very hard work. It isn’t just the baby phase you get but a teenager when you are mid 50’s and a young adult when you are 60. I’m 50 this year and feel so different to when I was 40 and very much looking forward to having my 16 yo independent so I can do what I want when I want again.

@Mumoftwo2020
I think many of is can relate to the feeling. It's the nature's way of last years of fertility. It's an urge that many feel - I did. I was in a bad marriage, and I still felt it and even sort of tried. As in - sort of tried to have sex around fertile days.
Reality is - by 40 - fertility is quite low anyway. And with your history of multiple miscarriages at a younger age - there isn't a whole lot hope for you to be able to get pregnant now.
And I get that at 52, and with 3 grown children - he is done.

When his exW had their last baby - he must have been much younger (younger than his wife?), and on his 1st marriage. It is a different situation. It is not about him somehow giving her something he is not willing to give you. He was a man in his 30s - with years of working ahead of him and energy of a young man.

At this point - he is in his 50s and barely able to support himself. He relies on his gf for housing and living expenses. And simply - on a physical level - he is not a young man anymore.
On that note - why on earth is he still paying maintenance to his long ago wife if kids are grown???? And why are you supporting them both, essentially....

If you really want to try for another baby - I'd ditch supporting the bf and have an a round of private IVF. He can stick around if he wants. Or leave. But given that he can't afford to pay for his own housing - I am guessing - he'll stay.

Please don't marry him. It'd be a really unwise financial decision.

OP, he is very old to be having more children and I think you are right to respect that.
But I think you have sold yourself very short being with someone who contributes so little to you whilst you carry it all.
Older sperm is possibly linked to ASD, so worth thinking about.
Starting again after such a gap is not easy.
Also it would be you juggling even more than you do. It sounds like you are his pension plan too?

Sorry that was a typo - I meant 29.

my point stands - she must have run in some very unusual circles if she encountered multiple people who thought 29 was as too old to have a baby? Was it in the UK, was it some strict religious community? Even 100 years ago 29 was a perfectly normal age to have a baby.

She didn't run in unusual circles and no we did not grow up in a strict religious community. My mum isn't religious. I'm Scottish.
Some people are just tactless and say too much when they should not

I think op, your dh is pretty fair in his reasoning to be very honest. And I think maybe hormones etc are driving you more than logic and I'm thinking that's maybe how you move past this by reality checking yourself a bit?

52 is a fair age to be starting again with a newborn and while I understand you're feeling like this was something he did for his ex wife, presumably he was much younger then and was at least early-mid forties which is a big difference in terms of energy levels, longevity and being around for your kid.

One thing that really jumped out at me was when you said you wanted something just for you. A child could never be something just for you because the father child relationship is also extremely important and while I know many mums end up doing the lions share it sounds like this is a case of the grass being greener because you are feeling at a bit of a loose end in life.

I had my ds later in life and my dsis had hers much earlier. She's now out dog hobbies and having nights out with her friends, wants to do loads of travelling etc and I'm not able to do any of those things. But equally I enjoyed my younger years and she envied me those.

I'd question what you're currently doing to fill that lose end feeling. What are your hobbies, what are you doing that is actually just for you that's fun and fulfilling. How often are you out with other people. Are you traveling/ taking classes/volunteering etc. Do you go out for date nights and enjoy your time with dh? We all have a choice to look at it as an opportunity to reclaim some of your freedom back as your kids get older and more independent, or to resent it but I think when it comes to having children you need to consider what's the best circumstances for a child to be born into as opposed to what you want to make your own life more fulfilling if that makes sense?

100% this

OP’s husbands children are all adults now. So he must have been a few younger than his first wife. He had the last baby in his early thirties at the oldest.

with three adult children he is possibly more thinking of the prospect of grandchildren rather than a fourth child for himself.

His kids are adults but a good chunk of his earnings go to his ex-wife still which means he's not contributing his share to your household? Which means you are effectively supporting her out of your earnings? How ridiculous! Are you actually married or do you just call him DH? What does he actually bring to the table? I'd be seriously thinking of binning him off.

That aside, you are likely in peri menopause and your hormones are crazy. It is not uncommon to get a burning, all consuming desire for another baby but please don't act on it with him. Ofc he doesn't want a baby at 52 because he's done the maths and doesn't want to be doing school pickups for a 10 yr old at 62, nor wrestling with a 16 yr old's teen shenanigans at 68.

I would ask you the same question - why was your identity so tied up in being a parent that you had to wait until your DD reached adulthood to start discovering who you are?

I also became broody in my early -mid 40’s and I honestly think it was hormonal. Given that your DP’s firmly against it, I’d push through and ignore the feelings. Mine have faded away and at 51, I think that I made the right decision.

Off-topic, but why is he paying maintenance for adult children? Are they very young adults who are still studying? at

I wouldn't say my identity was tied up in being a parent, but DP and I had DD when we were only 11 months into our relationship, DP didn't even know she was pregnant until she went into labour.

We were in a very casual relationship at the time, both had plans to leave the city we lived in, and both wanted to spend our lives child free.

Needless to say, plans changed. And I wouldn't change the last 18 years for anything. I love my daughter, I love DP, and I love my life.

But it does mean we still live in the same city 18 years later, because I was moved around a lot as a kid, and I didn't want to put DD through the same thing. And it does mean that I've taken the safer job, because it was more secure than the startup I really wanted to work for.

And it does mean that me and DP have never lived together as just us. We didn't move in together until DD was nearly 3 months old. So for the entirety of our serious relationship, we've never had more than the odd weekend away to just be the two of us. To just spontaneously go out without having to consider DDs plans, or to plan a trip away without having to consider "Would DD enjoy this". Or, to lower the tone a bit, have a shag on the sofa without worrying that DD is going to come home early.

We've never gotten to work out whether we work as a couple, rather than as a family, and that's the bit that really excites (and scares) me.