Husband doesn't want my baby

[Mumoftwo2020]

Hi all. I've been with my partner 6 years. He is 12yrs older than me. I have 2 teen kids (I was married 16yrs to ex husband) and he has 3 adult kids from his previous 25yr marriage.
Wanting more kids has never been something I had even considered until a year or so ago so we had never discussed it, as I suppose we both thought we were 'done'. I'm now 40 and I am really craving a 3rd child....to the point I struggle seeing pregnant women out in the street. I have had fertility struggles (9 miscarriages to get my 2 existing children) and when they were small it was literally the happiest period of my life - I loved it. They are now independent and loving life but as I had them so young compared to my friends, amd they are now older and dont need me in the same way as quite rightly want to be out with their mates, I feel a little lost and want to do it all over again. Lots of my friends are pregnant with the final baby or have very young kids. My husband is absolutely adamant he does not want more and whilst I respect that, it does make me feel sad. He feels, at 52, that he is far too old. I don't really have a relationship with his kids and his ex wife has been problematic. I don't blame him as I respect his right to choose, but I'm a little resentful that he had 3 with his ex (she was also 40 with their youngest and wanted 1 more before menopause) and I won't get that chance. I have done a lot for my husband over the years and it hasn't always been easy (I support us financially- I own our house and pay the mortgage, pay for all our holidays and food and work very hard in a senior job i have to support my kids and him - he earns much less and a big chunk of his money goes in maintenence to his ex) so I crave something just for me.
I guess I'm not looking for confirmation that he is in the right or wrong as it is what it is, just wondered if anyone else had been in this place and managed to switch the broodiness off? I just want to be able to move forward without this craving as its so hard.

I’m going to second the fact that this is possibly perimenopausal. It can be hard to let go of a stage in your life, knowing that that door is closed.
Is there anything else you want to do that’s just for you? Something creative?
Would you consider counselling to explore these feelings of wanting another child?

The bit that sticks out for me is you feeling lost because they don’t need you as much anymore. Ow they’re older (which isn’t true anyway!). I think you need to work on creating a more fulfilling life for yourself outside of your kids to regain some identity and self-worth.

Such a selfish attitude, we are talking about a life that needs nuturing for years on end, not buying a different brand of coffee.

Would foster caring be an option? Or volunteering with babies once a week?

i agree with him, 52 is too old for a baby.

what does he bring to the table though op? You pay for everything, he’s too old for the baby you want.

Get a cat, a dog, a hobby, or volunteer somewhere. Fulfillment exists beyond parenthood.

You crave something just for you. Oh dear god. Yet people without children are called selfish…

His sperm will be useless now anyway, get a cat, cats are great.

With the pp who are saying it's hormones.

Give it another 12-24 months and you'll be super relieved that you haven't.

If hormonal contraception suits you, that might damp it down a bit.
Might not though - I was on the pill and still was horribly broody for a couple of years, and I've never wanted kids, so it was absolutely just the hormones talking.

My dc are 21 and 19 now. I found they needed me the most when they were at sixth form. It’s such a monumental 2 years for young people. Navigating the end of school and what the next steps are, dealing with hormones and all that entails.
I am 54 and have a friend who had a baby at 43. I honestly am so thankful I’m not in her position. Parenting a young child at our age is exhausting. I’m now living my best life. Enjoying the lovely relationship I have with my children, as well as looking forward to retirement etc.
You have 2 children already, please just enjoy them.

We had two kids and I wanted more (another 1 or 2) and my other half said no.

I was pretty gutted but, 10 year's on, it was the right call. We couldn't have afforded it and our current two have needs that we didn't really understand at the time.

To satisfy the broodiness, I began working with babies and very young children so I still got to push a pram and get lovely baby and toddler cuddles. I did it for 10 years until it was out of my system.

Look forward to (hopefully) being a young grandparent.

Or, offer to babysit your friends' babies.

Or offer help to a struggling family with a baby.

Or buy one of those life-like reborn dolls.

Get involved with other things to feel fulfilled. Try a new skill or hobby that takes up time.
The feeling will pass.
I think you need to sort out your finances with your DH. Why are you paying for everything? Why is he paying maintenance when his children are adults? This is unfair on you and if you were relieved of some of the financial burden you might be able to take more time for yourself.

He's right. It's too old to start over again. Not fair on the child.

I wanted more DCs, DH didn't so he got a vasectomy. I struggled with it for a few years, but now I can see it was the right decision. It is difficult feeling so broody and not being able to have what your heart desperately wants, but in your circumstances it sounds like an awful idea. We got a dog instead and funnily enough after going through sleepless nights and toilet training with a puppy, I no longer feel broody!

I was in a very similar situation when I was in my early forties - I was awash with pre-menopause hormones, my children mostly grown, grieving the loss of my role as a mum of little ones, yearning to be the mum of a baby again. But it did pass and now I am very relieved it didn't happen. I got over the grief and the change and a whole new child-free chapter opened with many new adventures and challenges which would have been impossible if I'd had a baby. I do sympathise and remember what it was like to be where you are now, but I am glad, for me, it worked out as it did.

This desire of yours sounds very selfish.
The risk to a potential baby at your ages is high.
You might be very close to perimenopause.
Get a puppy instead.

I think it's probably more that he doesn't want a baby at 52+ years old, than that he doesn't want your baby. He also isn't in a financial position to be much financial support a potential fourth (for him) child by the sound of it.

I haven't been in your position but would at one point have liked more children than I have - what helped me get over that was knowing the risks (in my case another pregnancy would have been very high risk and it would have been objectively irresponsible considering the existing children).

Could you look into the cold, hard facts of all the risks of an over 40 year old mother with a history of recurring miscarriage, and over 50 year old father and try to balance your broodiness with the fact that you are making the right choice for the children you have and likely for yourself, long term, in not trying to conceive again?

Your body wouldn't bounce back as well as in your 20s from repeated miscarriage, the odds of you suffering lifelong as a result of pregnancy complications and birth injury and traumatic birth are higher now, and your husband's age is a risk factor for chromosomal disorders as is your own, and the risk of a twin or triplets pregnancy increases with age, and both age and multiple births increase the risk of extreme prematurity - depending upon how late your previous miscarriages were, you may be at very elevated risk due to the number of pregnancies you've had too - your existing children might struggle with the expectation they'll be guardians to a medically complex sibling/ sibling with additional needs after you're no longer able to take care of them.

It doesnt sound as if you have a very good relationship with this man. Both of you had children with exes who subsequently were not ideal matches; and therefore it is "interesting" that he is so adamant that another child will spoil your relationship perhaps he links babies with bad relationships.

Whether he thinks this way or not, you are wired entirely differently and it is shocking that he has so little regard for your hopes and dreams especially in light of you being the pillar of the household finances.

I don't think you should stay with this man. I think it will get worse, the resentment you feel and his detachment. Forty is not old to have a baby. I thought that after three dcs by IVF (it would have needed expensive fertility treatment to do number 4) , by 45 I was so cross I had wasted that last window and by 50 I used to Google natural birth statistics in 50year olds!!!. We often fear change but I think subconsciously you are trying to find a reason to end it with this man

I don't think that it's 'your' baby, it's that he doesn't want to be 76 on their 21st, which I think anyone would completely understand. I think you need to look at the nitty gritty of this which goes beyond hormones.

Get a puppy instead.

This is what comes with being with someone a lot older and past the baby age. I agree with him, he’s too old. When baby is 18 he will be 70, will he still be having to work to put through university? 70 is grandparent age and winding down, past retirement age, not having a teenager.

I’ll put my amateur psychologist (psychiatrist?) hat on:

You struggled to have children because of your fertility issues, so when you succeeded you were over the moon. You now look back on these years as the happiest of your life.

Now you describe yourself as feeling “a little lost” so you’re thinking you want to replicate that time.

But it won’t be the same this time around.

Find something else to occupy your aimlessness. My recommendation is throw yourself into your career.

What evidence do you have for babies being born to “older” parents having mental health issues? Plenty of parents in their 40’s have perfectly healthy babies.

I'm confused, I thought you wrote that he has three adult children, what is he paying maintenance?