Husband doesn't want my baby

[Mumoftwo2020]

Hi all. I've been with my partner 6 years. He is 12yrs older than me. I have 2 teen kids (I was married 16yrs to ex husband) and he has 3 adult kids from his previous 25yr marriage.
Wanting more kids has never been something I had even considered until a year or so ago so we had never discussed it, as I suppose we both thought we were 'done'. I'm now 40 and I am really craving a 3rd child....to the point I struggle seeing pregnant women out in the street. I have had fertility struggles (9 miscarriages to get my 2 existing children) and when they were small it was literally the happiest period of my life - I loved it. They are now independent and loving life but as I had them so young compared to my friends, amd they are now older and dont need me in the same way as quite rightly want to be out with their mates, I feel a little lost and want to do it all over again. Lots of my friends are pregnant with the final baby or have very young kids. My husband is absolutely adamant he does not want more and whilst I respect that, it does make me feel sad. He feels, at 52, that he is far too old. I don't really have a relationship with his kids and his ex wife has been problematic. I don't blame him as I respect his right to choose, but I'm a little resentful that he had 3 with his ex (she was also 40 with their youngest and wanted 1 more before menopause) and I won't get that chance. I have done a lot for my husband over the years and it hasn't always been easy (I support us financially- I own our house and pay the mortgage, pay for all our holidays and food and work very hard in a senior job i have to support my kids and him - he earns much less and a big chunk of his money goes in maintenence to his ex) so I crave something just for me.
I guess I'm not looking for confirmation that he is in the right or wrong as it is what it is, just wondered if anyone else had been in this place and managed to switch the broodiness off? I just want to be able to move forward without this craving as its so hard.

ADOPT DON’T SHOP FOR PUPPIES & KITTENS

I really wanted a third, and still do, but I had complications with both pregnancies that especially now I’m 40 would put mine and future babies life at risk, so decision was out of my hands. I think coming to terms with it is just understanding that your head has made the right decision, even if your heart feels otherwise. I’ve been blessed with 2 lovely children, and I know people who have not been as fortunate.

I would suggest speaking to a therapist to help you frame your thinking. A puppy/rehome dog might also help fill that void of being needed and loved unconditionally.

But you wouldn’t necessarily personally see it? You do understand probability don’t you?

there are medical studies to support the ascertaining. Thankfully you are within the majority who this hasn’t impacted. But certainly a quick google demonstrates there is a link. I am always amazed when people find evidence and science offensive.

Agreed but mumsnetters are often anti-older mum (which I can understand but we don’t always plan perfect lives)

This! I’d be resentful if I was paying all the bills while he paid maintenance to his adult children. What’s that all about?

My Dad had a child in his 50s after being pressured by his young wife. He died when my half-brother was 12.

Not the same I know but I got a dog .

Much more fun than a baby and doesn't need constant attention , nursery fees etc.

Feeling a bit sad isn't a strong enough reason to bring yet another child into the world. Be glad for the two you have. It could drive a wedge between you and your DH and spoil a good marriage for no reason.

In a marriage having a child should be between two consenting adults, not one side arbitrarily deciding they will break trust by getting pg anyway (like a pp suggested). That's deceitful and unethical.

I do think it’s quite common to feel broody as your kids grow up as well. For me - when I’m missing the baby and toddler years - I remember that one day I might experience the joy of being a grandmother and getting to be a (much smaller, obviously) part of raising other little family members.

The more I can focus on really being present for my children and maintaining the lovely bond that we already have by placing them first and foremost in my priorities, the more likely it is that I’ll have a close relationship with these hypothetical grandchildren.

I want to make it very clear that even if I knew now that would never happen, my children and how I can support them to be the best people they can be would still be my priority- Just thinking it might help the op to think of the possibility of more little family members whose life she can be a part of - while continuing to be completely present for the children she already has.

I also stand by my previous post that at the moment you should focus on doing more things that are just about you though - it seems from your opening post that you haven’t had much time to experience yourself outside of being a wife and mother. I’m also very sorry for your losses during previous pregnancies, I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.

There is research showing greater incidence of autism, schizophrenia etc with older parents

So why does anyone get a dog then? Companionship and wanting to care for another creature isn’t a valid reason apparently.

If she’s prepared to research and plan she can absolutely get a dog. Stop gatekeeping.

It is the way it is unrelentingly put as a statistic to support a PROBABILITY rather than a POSSIBILITY. I think the OP would be ill-advised to have a baby because her partner doesn’t want one, and 40 is a bit old if she already has kids why go through it? But there’s no need to have a potshot at older mums (although depressingly common on MN)

I didn't dare say get a dog as I thought I'd be completely flamed. but thankfully youve come along to share your RW experience of doing just that, to continue the ability to care for and nurture, which seems to be what the OP is craving,

If you feel that strongly, why not foster or volunteer with children?

I’m late 30s and every time I start thinking I’d love a cute baby for myself I just think about the reality long term and any will vanishes immediately. No way I’d want to be working myself to retirement still raising another children when I’m so close to being an empty nester. I want freedom.

That being said, no way in hell I’d be supporting a full grown man either.

I actually don't have kids. I just don't like women at 40 being told they are too old to have them

Agreed, but it’s slight: 1-3% increase in risk. Some studies show an even greater risk for young mums (under 24). I don’t think that is the key factor: her partner not wanting a baby is surely key.

Some weird answers and ageism here. It's not "immature" to want another baby aged 40, and there's nothing weird or terrible about having teenagers in your 50s. I do and so do many of my friends. We all seem to be coping with it , in fact I find it easier to handle the ups and downs now I'm older and wiser.

I think broody feelings at your age are very common and IME they disappear after a little while. I had my last at 39 and briefly contemplated another. Now 5 years later I am very glad I resisted.

Also that would have been with my partner so my kids would have had the same dad- no judgment at all here- but everything I have read on here about blended families indicates that in most cases they are an utter disaster, especially if you start having joint kids too. The older ones feel pushed out, houses are too small, everyone feels that the joint kids are preferred. If your husband is already not keen as well as all
of this it just sounds like a disaster, sorry.

But the poster said a higher probability? I still think you have misunderstood the meaning of this term. No one said it is a certainty - which you implied when you said you haven’t / can’t see the link so it mustn’t be true.

and pointing out health statistics isn’t having a pop.

it’s like the people who know a 30 year old father who died, therefore anyone can die so a 55 year old should go ahead and have a baby. Completely ignoring the reality of aging and mortality rates.

One day Mum sat me down. She was frantic. She thought she was pregnant. She was absolutely horrified. What would the neighbours say? (Uh, probably nothing, Mum.)
She was FREAKING OUT.
She was 50 and a teacher and she was worried about what my grandparents would say and what the school would think.
I thought it was great. I was ready to pitch in and help and do whatever I could to make life easier.
I told her that this was GREAT NEWS and not anything to be embarrassed or ashamed about.
Well, it turned out to be menopause.
Her words said she was relieved.
Her eyes said she was heartbroken.
We never told anybody.
I think about that every now and then.

If you want a baby then leave him and have a baby with a donor. No one can tell you you cannot have a baby, you’re 40 not 60 you should still be able to have a baby, and you can afford another child.
You just won’t be having one with him.

And why does a large chunk of his money go on supporting adults? Hopefully you have some legal documents in place because even though you say you own your house, if you’re married the name on the deeds doesn’t matter.

It's your hormones, fear of a next stage of life maybe I felt a wobble at that age now I'm 44 couldn't think of anything worse than starting again. I bet your friends who are pg now have much younger families.
I don't blame your oh you have 5 kids between you as it is.

A gift to you maybe, a burden to the child that grows up with old parents and has to manage their care/funerals during university, and whose children grow up without grandparents

The one who doesn't always trumps the one who does OP. I'm sorry man.

The only choices you have is come to terms with it or split and find someone who can satisfy that craving.

I'm 50 and would rather grate my face off than have another one. So I get where your husband is coming from.

With respect, are you doing this parenting after being married from the age of maximum 18 years old and already having teenage children, and your partner has adult children of his own? also from the time line it seems little to no gap between the two relationships?
I do think that is what is influencing the replies, rather than a general criticism of having kids post the age of 40.

I can tell you from personal experience it is horrible having an older dad and especially if he really did not want more family .