Husband doesn't want my baby

[Mumoftwo2020]

Hi all. I've been with my partner 6 years. He is 12yrs older than me. I have 2 teen kids (I was married 16yrs to ex husband) and he has 3 adult kids from his previous 25yr marriage.
Wanting more kids has never been something I had even considered until a year or so ago so we had never discussed it, as I suppose we both thought we were 'done'. I'm now 40 and I am really craving a 3rd child....to the point I struggle seeing pregnant women out in the street. I have had fertility struggles (9 miscarriages to get my 2 existing children) and when they were small it was literally the happiest period of my life - I loved it. They are now independent and loving life but as I had them so young compared to my friends, amd they are now older and dont need me in the same way as quite rightly want to be out with their mates, I feel a little lost and want to do it all over again. Lots of my friends are pregnant with the final baby or have very young kids. My husband is absolutely adamant he does not want more and whilst I respect that, it does make me feel sad. He feels, at 52, that he is far too old. I don't really have a relationship with his kids and his ex wife has been problematic. I don't blame him as I respect his right to choose, but I'm a little resentful that he had 3 with his ex (she was also 40 with their youngest and wanted 1 more before menopause) and I won't get that chance. I have done a lot for my husband over the years and it hasn't always been easy (I support us financially- I own our house and pay the mortgage, pay for all our holidays and food and work very hard in a senior job i have to support my kids and him - he earns much less and a big chunk of his money goes in maintenence to his ex) so I crave something just for me.
I guess I'm not looking for confirmation that he is in the right or wrong as it is what it is, just wondered if anyone else had been in this place and managed to switch the broodiness off? I just want to be able to move forward without this craving as its so hard.

What does "living on a council estate" have to do with it. Pure snobbery here. And just because you seem to know more mothers of a certain age doesn't take away from the fact that 40 plus is middle aged whether you like it or not! ...and you obviously are in denial.

Broodiness can go with turning 40 however many children you have. Its a strong feeling but can be endured until it fades and disappears. Just hang on in there and maybe take up some new nurturing role by looking after a plant or animal or helping out a person who needs care.
That is my experience.

I think a lot of this is down to fears of being 40 and as women we are aware of biological age, clock ticking etc
I had it at 39+, was never bothered about children before, been single from late 20s, no kids and solid career fully invested in and just never met someone I wanted to settle down with/loved.
At 39, mortgage free and financially secure, I'd had dreams of having 2 daughters a few months before I went to GP for a health issue and asked about fertility treatment referral, I'd researched it for a few months beforehand, thought more into it, before I parted with 1+ grand just to get started privately, I realised I wouldn't be able to do it alone, esp with a full time career and no support and didn't want to do it alone either.
Anyway, those strong emotions/desires have long since settled many years ago and I've literally just turned 44, still single. I figured I'd adopt if I was so desperate when I was older and went part time at work.
I'm sure it's all to do with the big 40s mid life crisis. I do still see friends with young kids and lots of babies that i do think are adorable but I'm at peace with it just wasn't meant for me.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a baby over 40 despite what some of the ageist attitudes of people here , my own mum had me at almost 39. However in this particular situation with older kids involved and a new partner it just sounds like a terrible idea in my opinion.

Turning off the broody feeling is best for your other children.
Focus on them while they are still young.

Ideas ..

Make up photo books for each of your children, as their gift of childhood memories when they leave home.

Store special items for each of your children; ready for when they have children.

Make the most of your time to explore, travel, ski, garden, have a dog etc in this in-between time before you have grand children.

Volunteer for a children's charity or at a Sunday School.
Hospitals often relish people who will play and read stories etc.

Take on a hobby like Riding For The Disabled or crafting/knitting and teach children to sew, knit, ride etc.

Join the local community garden. Enjoy planting veggies with young children.

Be available as a foster mother for young babies and small children (one at a time) for emergency weekends.

The time will fly and in fifteen years you will love being a grandmother.

Do you really want to go back and start all over again? Am your DH age and way too old. That phase of life is over don’t give a stuff what pervy old celebrities do (who all have 32 year old wives by the way)

Your hormones are all over the place and that is nature's way of telling you that (if your situation were different) time is running out.

You get upset seeing other pregnant women? This seems quite extreme really. You have been there and done that already.

Put your focus onto other things. Plan some trips away, get a dog, there are so many other things you can do.
You are hyper focused on being pregnant.

I am the same age as your DH and could think of nothing worse than having a baby at this stage of life. It's time to start winding down now, not adding a newborn into the mix.

Essentially it sounds like get pregnant and your marriage ends. Or focus on other things and hang on to your marriage.

What? Deceiving someone is terrible advice.

Your husband would be 62 when your child is 10, if you were to proceed to have a baby now. I can’t tell you how much your body changes in your 40’s and you would no longer be a young mum. Small kids are exhausting, esp as you age. I’m 48 and and teens and a partner isn’t their father. When I’m child free I really look forward to travelling and going on date nights and doing all the stuff I couldn’t do when they were little. I think you need to be aware that pregnancy and / or terminations in your 40,s are far more complicated and risky.

Also late 40s your hormones change and you can’t be arsed caring for others as much I would have hated to have had to do full on parenting of an 8 year old then whilst pre 45 was happy to do so.

It's biological (the broodiness) and it will pass soon. It is your body's last hurrah so to speak. Don't give in to it. You will thank me in a couple of years!

We were woken by late teens getting back from clubbing at 4am. Annoying at 50 your DH would be pushing 70 dealing with teens! Sorry but it’s an absolutely terrible idea.

Yes, let’s throw teenage mothers under the bus. That definitely invokes sympathy in you as an older mother.

Why is it so hard to accept any realities of being an older parent? It was all perfect sunshine and rainbows, I bet you had more energy than at 28? Etc. etc.

Having spent Christmas with my dad and uncles all in their seventies it doubles down on my view that men shouldn’t be fathers of teens or young children at that age.

In my family these men are grandfathers of children in that age range. They muttered to each other that parenting is a young man’s game. They moved out of rooms where their grandchildren were noisy. They tried but failed to make conversations with their teen grandsons and they were completely overwhelmed by the challenges presented by the SEN child.

my uncles told me that at 76 he can’t cope with his teenage grandson who has Downs. He was very sad about it - but he says he just isn’t strong enough to stop him hurting himself or other people. He can’t move fast enough, can’t get him changed and gets very anxious when left alone with him.

i know that is just one example and some men in their late seventies would cope better, but parenting can be physical and exhausting. Men taking it on much later in life should really think though what this will look like. Just because they cycle and go to the gym in their late fifties doesn’t mean they are 35.

it your hormones speaking to you. Ignore those noises. You don’t need a baby

Just no. You already have 5 kids. He’s too old to be a Dad now and you don’t get to demand to have one. It sounds like you’re prioritising a baby over your relationship.

Also think it's v unhelpful to phrase it as 'my baby'. Makes it sound like it already exists and makes you way more attached to the idea which isn't healthy or accurate. There is no baby and it's not this personal thing that DH doesn't want 'your baby' - he doesn't want any baby. Given your struggles to have your first two long ago, I'd not personify a third in this situation if you genuinely want to deal with your broodiness. First step would be to ditch the 'my' for 'a' and follow that through in all your thinking, letting go of the fantasy and being real about your situation - married to a 52yo with 5 DC and not in the baby phase of life.

Oh god this is so true. At 50 my every other thought is "I can't be bothered..." to do things that I'd have been fine to do 10 years ago. That feelings is just as strong if not stronger than any broodiness. So glad the era of soft plays etc is over and the DC are old enough to entertain themselves now.

He’s right.

You will get over it. Many people have a broody phase towards the end of their natural fertility and just wait it out. It will pass

Wow, my kids have never been embarrassed about me, their friends are around all the time and always have been, I am the Mum who will allow son's friends to crash out at our home rather than being stuck or paying £££for taxis. We all have an excellent relationship with each other and enjoy each other's company, possibly because I have endless patience, don't stress about daft things and put them first as I have always known that being a good mum is incredibly important.

Exactly. I don't even have kids but the notion of someone being too old to have a baby at 40 is a nonsense. Nicola Roberts from Girls Aloud has just announced that she's pregnant with her first child at 40. Sienna Miller is pregnant again and she's 43.

Some people have issues conceiving and may have lost babies along the way. I didn't see a single person saying to Nicola when she announced her pregnancy - you're too old

It's always women that are told they are too young or too old. My mum had me at 19 and my brother at 29 and people were telling her she was too young to have me and too old to have him

I graduated in October - my mum is 76 and was at my graduation - I'm not 20 btw. She's also doing a degree herself just now and hopefully I'll be at hers

As I say I have personal experience of this. Suppose maybe some are not wow

It's bizarre that you would marry/get into a LTR in your mid 30s without discussing this. Has it really never come up before?

He really, really doesn't want more kids. I'm a similar age to him and I really, really wouldn't either and no arguments about who pays the bills and who already has more kids would sway me I'm afraid (and wanting to 'equalise' the number of children you have is a pretty strange argument TBH). He is not BU.

People told your mum 20 was too old be have a baby? She must have encountered some very very odd people!