Husband doesn't want my baby

[Mumoftwo2020]

Hi all. I've been with my partner 6 years. He is 12yrs older than me. I have 2 teen kids (I was married 16yrs to ex husband) and he has 3 adult kids from his previous 25yr marriage.
Wanting more kids has never been something I had even considered until a year or so ago so we had never discussed it, as I suppose we both thought we were 'done'. I'm now 40 and I am really craving a 3rd child....to the point I struggle seeing pregnant women out in the street. I have had fertility struggles (9 miscarriages to get my 2 existing children) and when they were small it was literally the happiest period of my life - I loved it. They are now independent and loving life but as I had them so young compared to my friends, amd they are now older and dont need me in the same way as quite rightly want to be out with their mates, I feel a little lost and want to do it all over again. Lots of my friends are pregnant with the final baby or have very young kids. My husband is absolutely adamant he does not want more and whilst I respect that, it does make me feel sad. He feels, at 52, that he is far too old. I don't really have a relationship with his kids and his ex wife has been problematic. I don't blame him as I respect his right to choose, but I'm a little resentful that he had 3 with his ex (she was also 40 with their youngest and wanted 1 more before menopause) and I won't get that chance. I have done a lot for my husband over the years and it hasn't always been easy (I support us financially- I own our house and pay the mortgage, pay for all our holidays and food and work very hard in a senior job i have to support my kids and him - he earns much less and a big chunk of his money goes in maintenence to his ex) so I crave something just for me.
I guess I'm not looking for confirmation that he is in the right or wrong as it is what it is, just wondered if anyone else had been in this place and managed to switch the broodiness off? I just want to be able to move forward without this craving as its so hard.

As you're the main earner and his income is (for some reason) mainly allocated to his adult children you'd be risking quite a significant change for the worse in lifestyle and security for your older children too, should you, for example, deliver premature twins with medical needs and be unable to return to work...

It's quite a different situation to one in which a 40 year old woman might be longing for a first child, simply because what you do has huge reprocussions for your already existing children.

I am not sure what you want from this @Mumoftwo2020

You would like another DC.
Your DH doesn't - can't say I blame him and it sounds like he will not change his mind

You need to work out whether your wish to have another baby is more important than your marriage. If you want to leave and find another relationship you will need to do this quickly.

If all your DC are grown up, could you be getting GC soon?

I kind of get what you're feeling, I am also 40 and my 2 are now 20&21, I even keep dreaming I am pregnant..
However I think it's just hormones, and whilst I think another baby would be lovely, my DM had my DS at 43, and she's 61 with an 18yo and struggling, having been through them years with my 2 it was hard enough at my age without parenting a teenager in my sixties.

@Mumoftwo2020you said “I crave something just for me.“….thats a terrible reason to have a baby! as others have said, it’s a really common “ last gasp” biological push from your hormones that are driving you to reproduce …..it’s a part of midlife that you need to acknowledge and move past and remember that there are still many many good years ahead of you…enjoy being with your teens whilst they are still at home ,then you and your OH get to hopefully have “you time” before the grandkids come along.

I was really broody for a third and brought it up with my husband over a couple of years but he was certain he didn’t want any more. I finally accepted it and began to be glad that as my 2 were getting more self sufficient I had more time for myself. I then unexpectedly fell pregnant 🫣 husband was delighted and took it in his stride and whilst I wouldn’t change a thing, it took me ages to get my head around it😊.

I can't believe how cold hearted these responses are. Why does anyone want children? Why are biological urges treated with such disdain? Children arent necessary whether you are 20 30 or 40 and OP is well aware they aren't playthings. Something is definitely missing in her communication with her DH and that is worth exploring but it isn't going to be solved by dismissing her as deluded and selfish.

My late FIL had a baby at 50 with his new wife. He died when his son was 12.

you say you want something just for you - a baby isn’t it because that wouldn’t be just for you, it would be his too. Find something that is just for you - and let go of any resentment. him having 3 with his ex is totally beside the point.

He is to old to start having babies. At 52 the last thing anyone should be doing is bringing a baby into the world that he may not live to see graduate. I am with ypur husband on this. My husband just turned 53 and our youngest is nearly 7. I am nearly 9 years younger and we do have older children (teenager etc) even having our youngest has been tiring for him. I cant imagine starting again or expecting him to

He is right - 52 is too old - and he would be 53/54 when an actual baby was born. He would be in his seventies with a teenager. It’s not fair on him or the child.

It sounds like a symptom of perimenopause- I was desperate for another baby at that stage. Fast forward a few years and I’m so glad I didn’t have one.

im really looking forward to having a fun time without the relentless grind and stress of looking after young kids. I’d be horrified at the thought of having a 3 year old now - so glad I didn’t have another!

You’re 40, your husband is 52 and you’re thinking about bringing a baby into your lives 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ You’re both getting older it’s just not fair

Also @Mumoftwo2020 you need to change your thread title, because it's not "Husband doesn't want my baby"

It's "husband doesn't want A baby" making it our 6th child and he's aged 52

It's all about you, isn't it. That's why you've such contempt for him in your thread title. Perhaps time to reconsider the whole relationship?

Was his ex wife alot older then him? How could he have all adult kids but had a child with his ex at 40?

Nope. I’m with your husband. And frankly your existing kids probably don’t want a baby sibling, either. The baby you want would be a fully fledged person, not an emotional prop.

This does sound like a midlife crisis, which has probably not been well thought through. Becoming an older Mum is probably not the garden of roses ypi think it will be and becoming an older single mother sounds dreadfully difficult. It also sounds like you have issues with your partner, as he doesn't seem to contribute, even though his children are adult. Why not spend some of your money talking through your issues with a councillor?

I personally think you’re crazy. You have older kids, he has adult kids, you’re 40, he’s older, you’re the main breadwinner. Why would you want to throw a baby into he mix?!

I call perimenopausal-hormones-temporary-insanity. Fast forward a few years and you’ll be SO glad your partner didn’t buy into this.

The thread title is very misleading, as it sounds like you have an actual baby now whom your DH has rejected - rather than that he has made the very sensible and naturally obvious decision that, given his age (and yours) and the 5 children you already have, he doesn't want another theoretical baby.

Or has he actively told you that he wants another woman's baby, but just not one with his DW?

He is 52, same age as my husband. Our kids are YA. If i were to suggest another one now, he would think I had lost my mind, let alone if we already had 5 between us. Your jealousy of his ex-wife for having three is really quite immature. This is not a competition.

Even if you were pregnant now, he would be 70 by the time a child reached adulthood, well past retirement.

interesting...

I think it's hard to come to terms with wanting a baby you can't have.

52 is clearly too old though, you aren't being fair to be resentful about that. Can you try to see the is as a part of the choice you made in having a relationship with an older guy? I find it easier to accept things when I can see I had agency in the decision.

It's okay to feel sad. It's as much a part of life as feeling happy and you can't have one without the other. Get some counselling to work through your feelings. The intense broodiness will pass and you'll be incredibly relieved you didn't go back to nappies at this point. As others have said, you've got 5 kids between you and he's right to draw the line. My DBro got pressured into having DC2 at 52 and all he talks about now is how knackered he is all the time, it's really tedious and making endless problems in his marriage. Fill your life with other things and enjoy the freedom of your kids getting older and having more time for yourself. You've got all the fun of the menopause to come so don't waste these years pining for experiences you've already been through. Seek out new ones and get a different kind of fulfilment in your 40s and 50s and the next phases of your life.

I have a similar age gap but felt broody in my 30s. We had got together on the basis neither of us wanted kids. He had kids but I did not. He always said that although he did not want more he was not actively against it and would not stand in the way if I found later on that I did. When I became unbearably broody later on he was very resistant. We had not quite got to the stage of my insisting based on his promise he would not stand in the way, but then his children had to come and live with us. It became totally impractical to consider having a baby in the house. Broody or not, I simply had to put up with the situation. Now, I was younger than you and figured I had time to wait, but the broodiness went of its own accord. The more you dwell on it the more it will hang around, so I suggest you try to find another interest to divert you. It may need to be something big - like a new job, even, so that it actually diverts you rather than you trying not to think about being broody. Which just makes you think about it more.

Classic MN.

OP: I'm broody for another child, but have accepted that it can't happen, for various very good reasons. Please help me to come to terms with it.

PP: you selfish bitch, how dare you? Here are all the reasons you mustn't have another child.

It’s hormonal - the last “push” to procreate before your ovaries give up completely. It’s like adolescent rage - all you can do is wait it out.

Ways to distract yourself:

1. go to the gym a lot more and get a bitchin’ hot body - you will be the envy of your post-part friends and your menopausal future self will thank you for gaining strength and muscle tone. Plus you will be too exhausted to crave parenthood
2. avoid women with cute babies. Seek out the really unhappy ones with ppd
3. book an adventure holiday - japan or Costa Rica. It will remind you of the things you CAN do with teens that you CANNOT do with a baby in tow