Husband doesn't want my baby

[Mumoftwo2020]

Hi all. I've been with my partner 6 years. He is 12yrs older than me. I have 2 teen kids (I was married 16yrs to ex husband) and he has 3 adult kids from his previous 25yr marriage.
Wanting more kids has never been something I had even considered until a year or so ago so we had never discussed it, as I suppose we both thought we were 'done'. I'm now 40 and I am really craving a 3rd child....to the point I struggle seeing pregnant women out in the street. I have had fertility struggles (9 miscarriages to get my 2 existing children) and when they were small it was literally the happiest period of my life - I loved it. They are now independent and loving life but as I had them so young compared to my friends, amd they are now older and dont need me in the same way as quite rightly want to be out with their mates, I feel a little lost and want to do it all over again. Lots of my friends are pregnant with the final baby or have very young kids. My husband is absolutely adamant he does not want more and whilst I respect that, it does make me feel sad. He feels, at 52, that he is far too old. I don't really have a relationship with his kids and his ex wife has been problematic. I don't blame him as I respect his right to choose, but I'm a little resentful that he had 3 with his ex (she was also 40 with their youngest and wanted 1 more before menopause) and I won't get that chance. I have done a lot for my husband over the years and it hasn't always been easy (I support us financially- I own our house and pay the mortgage, pay for all our holidays and food and work very hard in a senior job i have to support my kids and him - he earns much less and a big chunk of his money goes in maintenence to his ex) so I crave something just for me.
I guess I'm not looking for confirmation that he is in the right or wrong as it is what it is, just wondered if anyone else had been in this place and managed to switch the broodiness off? I just want to be able to move forward without this craving as its so hard.

A lot of us are thinking about the age of her husband rather than her

Nobody should ever force their partner to have a child they don’t want.

If you can’t agree then you need to separate to have a baby.

I don’t blame him for not wanting a baby at 52.

Yes and there’s also research showing greater incidence of gifted and talented children

If you’re financially stable you can have a baby with a sperm donor just for you

She’ll only be 60 61 and he’ll only be 72 at graduation what are you talking about!

My lived experience. "Only 72 at graduation" is not young. My dad had suffered a major stroke by then and needed constant care. Sorry if it's blunt, but I've lived through exactly this.

Also your maths is slightly off, even if she's extremely fertile at 40 the child won't be graduating at 20. Him being 75 is more realistic.

I might be able to put you off OP!
I had my first DD at almost 39 (stillborn due to placental abruption) and a second at 42 who is severely disabled- I mean she’s absolutely wonderful and brilliant to be with… but she’s nonverbal, doubly incontinent, a wheelchair user as can’t stand or walk. Those things are somewhat surmountable but the fact she still doesn’t fucking SLEEP!! That’s a killer- I’m 50. My DH is 44.

I currently can’t handle getting up to tend to her in the night (when she just needs stuff put on her iPad to watch (she can’t do it herself) at 2am…

I’ll be up like a shot if she needs to be suction med or if she’s ill but I’m just too exhausted.

And perimenopause has started (late - as I was 50 before I had symptoms). I sometimes struggle to drive to work I’m so exhausted.

I had to give up my career and my personal life (she’s attached to me 80 percent of the time she’s not at school).

We can’t take holidays abroad and constantly worry about dying before her.

Take any one of those things and really imagine living with that for every second of the rest of your life. I think that’ll put the brakes on..

He is 52 now. If they agree now to have a baby it is unlikely, based on what op has said, that they would conceive instantly. So let’s say he will be 54 at the youngest when the baby is born.

say the child does a 3 year degree - the dad would be 75 when she/he graduates.

My aunts and uncles and parents are mid to late seventies. Experience and statistics show health declines considerably in our seventies.

I despair at some of the responses, honestly its no wonder the birth rates are plummeting.
It's completely normal for women of this age and stability to think about having a child. The OP is 40 not 60! And as you don't mention your health, OP I'd assume it's fairly good.
I'm not surprised the husband doesn't want a baby though, he's already got three of his own, which it sounds like you have hugely subsidised despite the fact you don't have a close relationship OP - and him too! - and he is much older than you, also.
The way you are describing this relationship - just the bare bones - my first priority would be getting out of it asap. And a big part of that would be me being concerned about being stung for maintenance. The money you are making could be put aside for your own children's future. (Might be different supporting him so much if he was your kid's father, but he's not!) And if you are able to support your children financially instead of him and his ex and kids, they may be in a better position to make you a grandma sooner rather than later!
I'm sorry OP but the fact you are financially supporting everything jumps out at me the most as the issue, rather than you wanting the third baby. I hope is is amazing in every other way because from what you write here I would be super resentful.

and don't adopt unless you are both sure you want a pet. None of this "baby substitute" crap

No wonder the birth rate has fallen below maintenance level - some of the attitudes on this thread belong in the 1920s not 2020s.
Forty is certainly not too old to have a baby, especially if it’s not your first. As someone else said, in many ways it’s easier because you have more disposable income and more life experience. It’s fashionable to blame everything on peri-menopause but for most people 40 is far too young for that.

52 is not too old to be a father either. Look at Hugh Grant - father at 51 and has since had four more. George Clooney - twins at 56. Boris Johnson - has had four kids since he turned 55.

The real issue here is whether both WANT a baby. I suspect OP’s DH is more worried about a baby slowing down his gravy train.

If OP doesn't like the idea of giving up the idea and instead working herself exhausted to maintain her non-contributing DH and his former family then that’s fair enough - LTB and consider a sperm donor.

Very few people have said the mum is too old at forty, but most have said the dad is too old, which he believes himself!

Quoting multi millionaire celebrities as examples of successful fathers seems odd. They will have an army of Nannies, and won’t have to worry about paying university fees when they are retired.

Is Boris Johnston really a role model father?

And I think George Clooney was too old at 56 and Boris was too old at 60. He will be 78 when his youngest child starts university.

Plenty of scientific studies. What is not clear is if the men would have had a “different” baby had they had the opportunity to get someone pregnant when younger, or if mental health conditions have much more of a hereditary factor than we realise and any baby they have would inherit a condition, a condition which meant they didn’t get the opportunity to meet someone and have a baby until later in life.

I agree you're not too old at 40 but 52 is another matter and I think he is sensible to refuse.

I wouldn't underestimate the age gap as you get older. We have a similar one (11 years) and we were 37 and 48 when DD2 was born. The first few years were fine, normal tiredness of parenting two tinies. For a long time DH was fit and healthy and expected to work full time to retirement age and beyond.

DH is now 60, has changed jobs twice in the last 18 months and is between jobs again, struggling with depression and realistically burnt out from his social work career. He is getting help and wants to work, but we don't know if he will ever work ft again. We also both have 80something parents who are increasingly in need of support. Meanwhile, the dd are only 12 and 14 so need our attention and will need financial support for years to come. It's a difficult, exhausting stage of life for us. As pp say, if you are lucky with health, or family support, or have money, these things will be easier.

You are probably feeling the last surge of hormones at this age and this will pass. Try to look ahead to the future of enjoying seeing your dc grow up and more time for yourself and your dh.

Quite, Robert De Niro was the father of a newborn at 79 - something we should all aspire to?!

Also I think quoting rich older fathers is fairly redundant when we know they buy in acres of childcare...

Being similar ages to you both. We have two kids already. I wanted more but DH said he could not cope with it again. He didnt feel he could give much more of himself at his age and also be there for the kids we already have. So we have just decided that we won't. It makes sense. He is ten years oldet than me and doesnt want to be 60 with a primary school aged child and i think thats fair enough.

Agree. I had this - and now a baby (had her at 44).

I have said it feels like your body is just saying ‘Last Orders!’, and it is giving you a chance to choose what you want…. but that bell is ringing loudly. I know.

In 10 years or more you may be a grandma, and you could be the best grandma ever instead.

I wanted a fourth DC for a few years and in the end got a kitten instead, it sounds daft but it more than helped me.

I second fostering - if you loved the years when your kids were little, you could provide the perfect home for children who need exactly that person in their lives.

On the contrary, plenty of people on this thread have said ”you are too old/forty is too old/your fifties are too old for dealing with teenagers”. Which is ridiculously ageist. We are only talking 52 here - not 92 or whatever Bernie Ecclestone was when he had his last child.

The reason I cited those names is that everyone has heard of them and knows they are parents. And broadly speaking they seem very content parents. (Otherwise why would Grant have gone on to have four more?) But I also know non-celebrity people who are these ages or older, who have had kids or who are contemplating having kids, and most of them are very happy with their decision.

OP only has two children of her own (and no relationship with her DH’s much older children). I don’t know why so many people are swooning over the cost - three children is not an unreasonable number to have, especially not if you are a high earner as OP is. And if OP ditched her non contributing husband and his maintenance obligations she would have even more spare cash to spend on her children…

Well we will agree to differ. I clearly don’t know Hugh grant as well as you seem to. I have no idea if he is present dad, if he gets up in the night and if he still feels as energetic as he did when he was 40.

I don’t know his children either - or how his youngest will feel on their 13th birthday when their dad is in his seventies.

i do know some folk who had much older dads - I know they found it tough.

but I personally think when anyone hits 50 their days of baby making should be over - too many people think about what they want and can’t seem to consider it from the child’s perspective.

I had my youngest at 38. I had more patience and never felt like I was missing out like I sometimes did in my late 20's with my first. I really enjoyed their teens, had been there and done it before so it was a doddle. I can't say I found it more tiring either, 40 is not ancient! I now have 4 adult kids who are amazing company and very supportive of both me and each other. I would not change a thing.

No its not ancient but its still an older mother and less energy and let’s face it it’s middle aged. Embarrassing for the kids too as I well know!

nonsense. maybe if you love in an area where all the Moms are teenage parents but first time parents in their late 30s is increasingly common. even iny council estate school plenty of women having kids into their late 30s