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Original poster

“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

981 replies

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:47

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

OP posts:
didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

Imbrocator · 15/12/2025 09:56

These aren’t normal workplace-appropriate messages. The fact that he wouldn’t let you see his messages strikes me as quite suspicious. I know some people are funny about that sort of thing, but if you’ve got nothing to hide then not showing them when your partner asks is only going to inflame suspicion.

I’m sorry OP, it sounds like you were right to be worried. I’d be inclined to photograph the messages so that you have proof, and to have a discrete look at his personal phone. This wouldn’t have been my first suggestion but given that you’ve already asked to see them and he’s refused, I’d worry that confronting him without looking first would mean he just deletes them.

Regardless of whether there’s anything else to find, these are already deeply inappropriate and it’s time for a serious conversation soon. At the very least, he needs to stop spending time with this woman, and preferably you need to see him send a message to her explaining exactly how inappropriate it is.

Really sorry this has happened to you. Such a horrible feeling. Hope you have family and friends you can speak with too.

skippy67 · 15/12/2025 09:57

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

Ask him. But I think you already know. Do not put up with this. They're both massively disrespectful of you. If it was me I would tell him to block delete and have no further contact with her outside of work, or I'm gone.

skippy67 · 15/12/2025 09:58

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

🤔

MeAndMyGhost · 15/12/2025 09:58

I'm thinking about the office full of men I work with (15 to 2 women, one of whom is me) and there's no way I would send those messages to any of them and I would consider all of them just friends.

Not on OP, what are you going to do/want to do?

Sorry this is happening.

Original poster
Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:59

Is joking about a first date, talking about someone’s lack of underwear and 😍 banter when he doesn’t do it with anyone else? To me it’s not. Would he have been happy for me to see these messages?

OP posts:
FartSock5000 · 15/12/2025 09:59

@Anon1234567891 emotional affair that will be heading to a physical one as they push boundaries.

Friends who are just hanging out after work don't joke about wearing panties or hide the messages from their spouses.

He's got a massive crush on her and now he knows you are aware, he will fight to keep her.

It will be up to you if you want to tolerate this. Sometimes, the pain and effort of a split is too much.

I've been where you are now and I made him choose. He chose me but not before he sent her a "my meanie wife says I can't be your pal anymore" message that I have never forgotten.

Scottishskifun · 15/12/2025 10:00

I have male friends and work colleagues I get on with really well. Definitely a huge over step not banter!

I do think men and women can be friends without another motive but this is a huge over step!

HereForTheFreeLunch · 15/12/2025 10:01

No it's not friend zone behaviour. It's crush zone even if nothing has happened - yet.

Newbutoldfather · 15/12/2025 10:01

Seriously, there is literally no way this is normal workplace ‘banter’.

They are already in full emotional affairs territory and, if it hasn’t already turned physical, it soon will!

You have to decide what you want to do about it, which is incredibly difficult when the OW works with your husband, as you can’t tell him not to see her.

But I certainly wouldn’t allow him to hide in plain sight. Tell him no way is he seeing her in the evenings after that. However, that doesn’t stop him lying or just being back ‘late’ from work.

The alternative is just to go for a divorce and say he has broken your trust. But that sounds quite extreme. But, whatever you decide, don’t be a doormat. It will kill your self-respect.

Mooninjune · 15/12/2025 10:02

I posted on your other thread OP.
And my opinion was he was going on a date with this woman and it was not appropriate and you were right to be upset and worried.
And these messages, and his reaction to you asking to see them, confirms he is cheating on you.
I'm really sorry this is happening OP but now at least you know for certain.

Gettoachiro · 15/12/2025 10:02

Completely out of order. Even if he actually hasn't done anything these sort of messages are enough to make me want to go nuclear on him.

The fact he wouldn't show you the messages says it all. If he had nothing to hide (which he clearly did) then he'd have shown you.

rainbowstardrops · 15/12/2025 10:03

Oh that doesn’t look good does it? I mean, it could just be banter but it’s pretty inappropriate and disrespectful to you.
I’d be doing my best to look through his private phone as he refused to show you.
What were the other things that you said you’ve found out?

TokyoSushi · 15/12/2025 10:04

Not normal. Not appropriate. And a bit grim. You're right to be suspicious here OP.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 15/12/2025 10:04

Sorry op, he is on a path. The ball is in your court!

Untailored · 15/12/2025 10:05

I don’t think they’re necessarily having an affair (yet) but the tone of their interactions is all wrong. I have male friends and we ‘banter’ but it would never be anything like this. Everyone knows and respects that there is a line. This is over it IMO.

How would he feel if you were talking like that to a male colleague?

Mooninjune · 15/12/2025 10:05

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

Banter is just another word for inappropriate talk.

Why would a married man, or one in relationship, ever think this was a way to talk to a friend? Unless their relationship was a lot more intimate and on a different level than friendship.

Sadcafe · 15/12/2025 10:07

It really sounds more than banter, even if some of it was potentially a joke and the fact that he is so defensive about his messages , if he was totally convinced it was all just office banter, he wouldn’t be bothered about you seeing, even if everyone is entitled to say what they like to whoever they want to

Newbutoldfather · 15/12/2025 10:09

I think it is hilarious that this is even up for discussion!

They are going on a date. He literally referred to it as that and knew that she would be ok with it. And no one talks to (just a) colleague about their underwear without knowing that they won’t get reported for harassment.

Wishimaywishimight · 15/12/2025 10:09

Oh come on, he's talking about his "first date" with another woman and her wearing (or not wearing) underwear. It's hideous for you OP but he may as well be parading around with "I'm having an affair" tattooed on his forehead.

Do not allow him to make a fool of you.

Chersfrozenface · 15/12/2025 10:10

"first date"?!?!?

Nobody has 'first dates' with new friends. They have them with new potential romantic/sexual partners.

ldnmusic87 · 15/12/2025 10:11

This is not right at all OP, sexual jokes with a colleague that he hides on whats app!?

Epidote · 15/12/2025 10:12

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

If a male colleague make a remark about my underwear I will make sure that is the one and only time he does that. Saying that I don't go to sofa bed cinemas with any of them.

Cadenza12 · 15/12/2025 10:15

Your husband is actually dating someone else. Personally I would stop it dead, one way or another.

Elefant1 · 15/12/2025 10:20

Those messages are definitely not appropriate. I think it would be best not admit that you have seen any messages or he will make sure you can't look again.
I would talk to him calmly and say that you are concerned about their friendship and would like him to consider whether he would be happy for you to be doing what he is doing and ask him to look at any messages between them and think about if he would be okay with seeing the same messages between you and a work colleague.
If it is still in the early stages and he is telling himself there is nothing wrong as they haven't done anything physical this may be enough to make him see how wrong this is. It might be that he is in too deep but could be worth a try.