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Original poster

“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

981 replies

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:47

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

OP posts:

ChersHandbag · 15/12/2025 10:21

I’d be livid if my partner sent those messages to another woman.

Isayitasitis · 15/12/2025 10:26

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

You think talking about underwear and a first date is banter between platonic people?
Give over!

CautiousLurker2 · 15/12/2025 10:27

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:59

Is joking about a first date, talking about someone’s lack of underwear and 😍 banter when he doesn’t do it with anyone else? To me it’s not. Would he have been happy for me to see these messages?

Sorry, but no. These texts are completely out of order. He needs to sever contact or you ask him to leave.

Gall10 · 15/12/2025 10:29

Trust my instincts…..they’re shagging!

vitalityvix · 15/12/2025 10:30

Wildly inappropriate to be sharing those messages with a colleague, especially when married! In the context of them going out together, it’s quite clear that things are not as he had portrayed.

Edenmum2 · 15/12/2025 10:31

It’s sounds like they’re having sex in the cinema no? Sorry OP but if I read that on my DH’s phone then we would be done.

Gingercar · 15/12/2025 10:31

That is nothing like banter! That is serious flirting. He’s a total slime ball. And it’s hidden away from you on his work phone (because he thinks you might look at his other phone). Horrible!

ElfieOnTheShelfie · 15/12/2025 10:37

oh OP I’m sorry, he’s clearly encouraging her and has already crossed a line into outright flirtation.

The comment about knickers alone is absolutely unacceptable. no man should mention a colleague’s knickers on a work Teams chat - he could be sacked for that where I work.

The way I look at it: he wouldn’t send messages like that to any male colleague. It would be more “alright mate, gonna have to suck it up cos I could only book the double bed at the cinema, you’d better keep your hands to yourself and those stinky feet well over on your side!”

If he refuses to see how wrong it is, tell him you’ll forward the messages to his mum, his boss and post them on your FB account. Then I expect he’ll react - realising it puts him in a bad light.

ChristmasinBrighton · 15/12/2025 10:45

This is clearly over the line.

SamVan · 15/12/2025 10:48

"you are amazing" and "you are always welcome" and the heart eyes emojis are finem and normal between colleagues but the other comments definitely cross the line. It sounds like either they are having an affair or close to having one.

DemelzaandRoss · 15/12/2025 10:48

Sorry you have to deal with this in the Festive season.
To an outsider, there is no doubt whatsoever that your partner is cheating.
Your choice now.
Not to rock the boat yet, or seek legal advice with a view to separating.
He is a liar & will deny the relationship.
Get yourself prepared.

CabernetAndCocoMelon · 15/12/2025 10:48

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

It’s not friendly banter obviously he’s at the very least having an emotional affair

Lurkingandlearning · 15/12/2025 10:49

He said it was a first date. Friends don’t say that.

He knew she didn’t have knickers on. How did he know that? Women sometimes go pantless because they are wearing something fancy and don’t want a line or something skimpy that wouldn’t cover their pants. That’s not the sort of clothes for a cinema.

Those are the two most blatant things. You know where this is headed. Stop torturing yourself and pull the plaster off. The sooner you confront and start dealing with it, the sooner you’ll start healing.

Starlight1984 · 15/12/2025 10:50

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

"we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date”

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!”

Friendly banter?!?!?!?!

Starlight1984 · 15/12/2025 10:54

ChersHandbag · 15/12/2025 10:21

I’d be livid if my partner sent those messages to another woman.

I'd be more than livid. He'd be out of the door.

Original poster

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 10:55

I can’t look at his personal phone as I don’t know his PIN. In some ways it does seem to be coming more from him than her apart from some laughing emoji’s but there must have been some point where she said about not having underwear on for those comments. And she doesn’t seem to have shut it down. And on the odd occasion I have been out with them on works nights out including recently and she knows this is going on behind my back. I work with a lot of men and we chat and go on occasional works nights but nothing like this.

What makes me so angry is in the last few weeks he keeps saying he loves me, doesn’t want anyone else but also making out I’m the one being unreasonable.

I didn’t really want to confront him before Christmas as he will know I’ve looked at his phone and probably go mad and I didn’t want it being spoiled for the kids. But it’s being spoiled for me having it hanging over me.
I did think maybe it could be an ego boost, just a bit of fun but the fact he says nothing inappropriate has gone on is obviously a lie!

OP posts:

RenoDakota · 15/12/2025 10:56

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

This is the most priceless of 'cool' comments.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 15/12/2025 10:57

@Anon1234567891
You need to think ahead and decide where your line in the sand will be.
What will it take for you to dump him? This is not a rhetorical question. You need to decide at what point you will end it.

You posted a couple of months ago, so this is not a new situation.
Many, many women would have already ended this farcical marriage.

Are you waiting to have actual proof that they have had sex?
If they haven't had sex (yet), are you happy that this marriage is salvageable and you will carry on as normal, hoping things will get better?

Get practical, and look at your situation: do you have young children? Do you rent or have a mortgage? Do you work? Could you afford to keep your current home if he moved out?
Do you have enough savings to just move out yourself (rental deposit and rent in advance)?

TidyCyan · 15/12/2025 11:01

EuclidianGeometryFan · 15/12/2025 10:57

You posted a couple of months ago, so this is not a new situation.
Many, many women would have already ended this farcical marriage.

I agree with all of this. There is no way for this situation to be undone and for them to have never exchanged these messages so it has to be faced. I think some men think that as long as there's no below the waist nudity then they haven't "fully cheated" but he is getting his romantic and flirting kicks somewhere else. Which is enough for me to end it.

AmberFawn · 15/12/2025 11:01

i would class this as already an affair. I’m sorry OP

RudolphTheReindeer · 15/12/2025 11:02

He's quite the gaslighter isn't he. This is not banter (I'm amazed anyone thinks it could be). It screams emotional affair and probably physical judging by the no knickers comments. Grim.

Piknik · 15/12/2025 11:03

To all those saying this might just be banter, do fuck off.

OP - you do not have to be 'cool' with your DH flirting with someone to the point of discussing not wearing underwear. You do not have to be ok about them going on a 'date' to the cinema. He is literally dating someone else in plain sight.

I am not uptight. Have lots of male friends and happy for DH to maintain his female friendships - I actually welcome the fact that he gets a female perspective on things and isn't some neanderthal who only surrounds himself with testosterone - but COME ON!

Take screenshots
Sit with this for a few days and decide what you want to do. But do not approach it with any doubt. You know what it is - physical or not, he has crossed a line - so approach it just as you would any other sort of betrayal.

sweetpickle2 · 15/12/2025 11:03

I'm pretty relaxed and would be branded a 'cool wife' by most mumsnetters but this is not okay.

He's having an affair OP, nobody sends messages like that if they're not sleeping together or at least are trying to.

'Banter' my arse.

Tryingatleast · 15/12/2025 11:04

They’re not banter or workplace appropriate but they could be inappropriate friend jokes at a push (from a woman who has female friends that make inappropriate jokes and a dh who has male friends that do the same(!)) . Saying that just have it out with him, ask him to imagine it were you and someone else. And hugs op but see if you want to keep the relationship going. There’s a chance he wouldn’t show you the messages as he’s thinking he can’t believe you wouldn’t trust him or it could be something else. Nobody here really knows

pastaandpesto · 15/12/2025 11:06

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

WTAF??!

I cannot conceive any circumstance whatsoever in which this could be considered innocent, friendly banter between two colleagues who just happen to be the opposite sex.

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