“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

[Anon1234567891]

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

@Anon1234567891 we are on the 20th page of your post and many of us will want to support you going forwards. Will you be able to let us know when you create a link to your new thread?
Have a good Monday, I hope the therapy is going well .. one foot in front of the other. You can see he bullshit and his behaviour patterns now , the rest will follow when you are ready x

You have two options.
you can leave and be happy or stay and be sad.

OP I read a good article yesterday about living in hope that things will stay ‘normal’ once he’s being nice to you, here’s a paragraph that might resonate with you:

“Tim Keller warns that "love without truth is sentimentality"—it keeps us comfortable but in denial about our problems . To cope, many of us adopt a survival tactic called "Pretend Normal." This form of denial temporarily shields our sanity from a reality we aren't yet equipped to handle. But over time, that shield becomes a trap that prevents healing.
Facing the truth—no matter how painful—is the only way to move from surviving to truly recovering.”

If nothing changes, you will be trying to keep your head above water and surviving, not getting past his betrayal and moving on, fully recovered. If he won’t change the dynamic in order for your marriage to move forward, by apologising, accepting full responsibility for what he’s doing, stopping what he’s doing and putting you first, then you need to change the dynamic yourself to make things better for you.
You change the dynamic by setting a firm, non-negotiable boundary around what you will and will not tolerate and following through, however scary and painful that is at first.
When he’s nice to you it’s a relief and easier to cling to than staring at the truth of what being nice to you really means. On the surface it looks and feels good, but you know what lies beneath and it won’t ever go away.
I’m sorry he’s being like this, you have tried to tell him how he is making you feel but he is not listening. He doesn’t want to change his behaviour.
Now your suffering has become a choice, do you accept your pretend normal or live authentically with peace of mind, free from the shifting sands of this false reality? I said this once on another thread, when we wake up in the morning, if things are really ok, the first thing we should be thinking about is whether to have tea or coffee, cereal or toast. If we’re wondering daily if our partner is going to treat us well today or is invested somewhere else, then we have stuff we need to do.
Imagine waking up and the only thing that pops into your head is pretty much “Blimey, I’m gasping for a cuppa.”
That’s what peace of mind looks like OP. It’s what’s on the other side of all this hard, scary stuff. And it’s wonderful.

Hi op even if he’s being nice he’s still very disrespectful to you he is choosing the cinema with her over you. Yes friends go together if there partner doesn’t want to go but he definitely does fancy her his banter is trying it on for her reaction plus I would feel really weird going the pictures with someone else’s partner it’s all very strange op he has feelings for her definitely. Men are using the controlling card more now a days as there defence you can’t stop me seeing her it’s controlling but he’s not thinking oh no this is me overstepping boundaries you only want him to stop because you know it’s more than friends.

Excellent post @Thewookiemustgo and I do so hope that OP reads it, and then reads it again, devouring every word, and hopefully she will put the next steps to her new future in place and finally start living instead of existing.

Just leave him already. Stop torturing yourself. It's no way spend your one and only life!