“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

[Anon1234567891]

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

I’m so sorry OP, but that reads to me like something physical has already happened and now they’re going out on a “first date” after the fact. I have male friends at work, I go to the pub with them sometimes one on one and I can promise you no jokes about “dates” or underwear have very been made. Sometimes we talk about relationships and deeper parts of our lives but it never veers into anything close to flirting. That kind of comment would make me end the friendship immediately, and I’m sure they would cut ties with me pretty quickly too if I made sleazy comments. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the best with it

She means it's never men they are having to defend a friendship with because they are being inappropriate, which is entirely true.

Erm no the fuck it's not! This is clearly flirting with intention.

This is not okay and don't be gaslit into thinking it's 'banter' or that you're at fault for snooping. If they're flirting like this, it's more than friends, and if they've not yet crossed the line physically (maybe because she's not as into him) then they still should absolutely not be going to movies together because they're way out of the platonic zone and it needs dealing with. If he makes out it's all okay and you're being OTT, then he's too far gone already. What a sleazy shit he is. Sorry.

Having read through your other threads, it's decision time. Do you want this relationship? If so you need to come clean and ask him if anything has happened and if he wants you. If you both decide that you do, he ditches her and you start to rebuild things. Which includes going on 'dates'. Given how critical and grumpy he is, as well as not considering you, as a person who has needs, I think it should have ended a year ago.

As a comparison - I was concerned I was entering dangerous "emotional affair" territory when I messaged a colleague asking where he got his cardigan from because I thought my DH would like it..... I put a stop to our work one on one catch ups for a few months to cool my feelings and create some distance. Your husband is so far from the realms of ok and normal. He is engaging in sexual chat with another woman and literally calling a meet up a date. Just tell him now you've seen the messages and you are leaving him. You can't keep going.

Oh OP this is awful for you.
I do understand why you don't want to throw your DC under the bus just before Christmas, but your husband is clearly sleeping with this ghastly woman.
You'll have to deal with this in the new year though.
I'm so sorry.

You're not mad, this is not cool and it's making YOU the mother of his children feel bad. He has to stop speaking with her outside of work, end of.

Talking about dates and her potential lack of underwear can only mean one thing. It's obvious they're flirting pretty explicitly.

You would not, under any circumstances, say things like that to a platonic friend. Especially not one from work.

That is a line crossed in my view.

How would he feel about you suggesting lying in a double bed with your colleague and sounding hopeful he would forgo his boxer shorts?!

I do agree with you that this is a red line. It would be for me.

I was more addressing @Anon1234567891 - she’s clearly not convinced that the work messages are enough

The ‘You’re amazing’ comments are fine.

The sofabed and underwear comments are not fine. Make sure you screenshot them so you have evidence.

Can you ask to borrow his phone, ‘to check the weather/what’s on Netflix …’ etc (as your phone is charging etc) and have a quick snoop. If he’s secretive/cagey then he’s something to hide.

I would class this as an affair and from those messages I’d presume they have had some sexual contact - in this case a handjob on the cinema or something equally gross.

My best friend is a man and in no way shape or form have we ever had “banter” like this.

Are you the husband? 😂

It is not banter- it’s a couple who either have a joint emotional affair going on or possibly more than that . Completely unacceptable- thing is OP even if you played merry hell and it stopped right now you know now he’s capable of this kind of disloyalty and I don’t think you will feel the same about him- personally I would be getting ducks in a row, thinking about the financials and practicalities and making plans to split in the new year .im so sorry , you sound lovely, he’s a twat and so is she. I think it’s a huge fun ego boost for him and he probably has no intention of it being more than that - but fails to understand that most women won’t accept any sniff of this kind of behaviour these days when they often have more choices

And if this is one sided he is in danger of being seen as a sex pest and could find himself accused of misconduct.

And @Mumofoneandone ….

me and my ex both worked for the same company and he did this to me…

when I got wind of it and booted off with them, they denied and I got fired 🤷‍♀️

they figured it was easier to replace one than 2. I bumped into two former colleagues some time later and they both apologised profousely as although not the sacking managers none of my colleagues believed me and thought I was crazy. Scummy ex and his scummy slag totally gaslit them all until I was out the door and then announced they were a couple

Funnily enough it was the second time he’d done it, the previous time when we both worked at a previous organisation. My prior boss was supportive though I didn’t read the warning signs and forgave him the first time.

If I found messages about wearing knickers on my husbands phone, he would be gone the same day .
I'm no body's mug ,and nor will I be treated like one

I had thought about turning up with a load of his stuff at his work and dumping it outside then telling him what I know but I’m not normally one to make a scene.

The trouble with trying to carry on as normal for the kids is if I’m moody or unhappy they just think I’m the one who’s miserable because they don’t know why.

How could anyone class this as "friendly banter!?" GRIM. It'd be unacceptable to me.

I'm so sorry OP, there are some great threads on here about getting yourself set-up to leave. You deserve more.

I suppose it depends on if you want to save your marriage..or if you don't .
In your shoes ....For me to save mine he would have to stop seeing her outside of work ,stop texting her and look for a new job .
If he is serious about saving his marriage,he will agree

It's not banter. It's very flirting and sexual innuendo. I definitely wouldn't put up with that.

Take control and be assertive not apologetic. He's the one in the wrong. Tell him you've seen the Teams messages and you don't need to see any more to work out that they're either having an affair already, or will be any day now. So he can stay over Christmas and be pleasant for the kids but in January you want him to go. If he's so entranced by this woman she can have him. Let him chew on that over Christmas and realise what he's put on the line.

As the second post says only you know your DH and you and he need to understand red lines.

Couple of anecdotes.

I had a close friendship with a female colleague in a previous job. Started when we were on the same shifts in a small team and continued during and after lockdown when we were both WFH. We were both supportive of each other when lockdown got us down and probably got into amazing territory with odd comment.

Underwear comments would have been a bridge too far there.

Twenty plus plus years ago, mid thirties age wise, when sauce and bantz even when actually offensive got by, a slightly younger female colleague teased me about red boxers on a Red Nose Day thing. Was fine.

Oh come on!